For this is Farewell…

How do you even begin to say good-bye? I feel like I am in so many pieces and as I try to put them together I feel this urge to give up. I met with someone today that allows me to venture through my emotions. I kept saying, “I don’t know,” over and over without a question being asked of me. I feel so Goddamn lost and just want clarity so bad. I feel like my life was taken away from me and it just continues to trickle until one by one I have few people to turn to. Ones I love so dearly can’t handle seeing me or hearing, even reading what it is that I go through. I know this has effected people, I know it is draining…I live it everyday and carry the weight of pure exhaustion as each day feels like three. I have had moments, days, even a month where I haven’t felt like a prisoner, but now I again feel kidnapped from a life I want so badly to live without pain. As a toddler begins to learn how to walk, we as parents don’t lose hope as the first stumbles appear to be the time our child will take off, but then wait another few weeks, or months before they actually walk. We know they will walk again and forever forward, I feel like people are losing faith in me…maybe it is me losing belief.

At this moment I feel more alone than I thought could actually be possible. Over weeks and conversations I have felt this pull from me. I feel this dying distance that tears at my heart as someone would feel as they would with the loss of their best friend. I surrender my efforts. With doing that I have a river of sorrow pour down my face as I want to call and just explain one last thing, but it won’t bring back what has been taken from me. This has changed everything and I feel nothing but heartbroken as I watch things crumble…my foundation falls at my feet without my being able to stop it.

Hanging up the phone I knew that it was time, at that moment I realized more than I could handle. Maintaining composure for the next 20 minutes…no, I was so numb that my brainstem is what kept me breathing. When the emotions caught up with me I had a flood gate. I felt so sad as I have this feeling of loss. I felt angry as he has affected every relationship I have. I felt solemn as I bowed my head and decided to fade into the surroundings.

These pages have brought me a comfort as I mulled through much despair and hopelessness. This isn’t easy to lay the parting letters into my good-bye. Where I go from here needs to be on my own and without witness. Thank you to everyone who has followed, expressed a fallen tear, or embraced serenity with a growing hope. The months have been here and there, up and down, but at the end of the day they collectively brought me to where I am right now. I know what I need to do….

Good-bye

~Nina~

Flavors Dreamt…Cuisine Lived

Today has been a day of peace. Very busy as I get up with my little ones and it is breakfast, clean-up, dressing, dishes, playing, and by the time we made it just to the morning nap, I was having to get other things done before getting lunch together just in time for the boys to wake up and start over with meals, clean-up, dishes, and more. I didn’t sit down until after bathes. We had then all cuddled up on the couch with a book with the faint sound of a movie playing in the background. The focus of my day was my adventure in the kitchen today.

Cooking is an activity I have always enjoyed. I am pretty mechanical and can follow a recipe with the outcome matching the picture, but I have always wanted to just start grabbing ingredients to bring my own masterpiece alive. As I ventured to the freezer I reached down and picked up a frozen package…instantly my mind started to go wild with the possibilities. I didn’t open a cookbook, I just went on instinct. I wasn’t going for gourmet, but edible and I more than succeeded. As I divided it up for our week I was feeling accomplished as I enjoyed my time just doing something I wanted to do as well as brought a game plan to our suppers. Our weekdays are demanding and the key is to plan ahead.

Other than that, I am at this moment unsure of how I feel. I have this lost haze about my thoughts, with a dash of emptiness. I do pretty good through out the day as I am distracted with diapers, giggles, chores, and more. It is when I turn down the lights, rock them good night, and lay them down for the evening that I become vulnerable. Being alone isn’t something that is easy, but accepted as my normal. Regardless though, I am not sure I will ever harvest a comfort in the solitude…but I will do what I need to do and that is this.

I am proud of myself with my quest in the kitchen the past two days. I have plenty of scrumptious options awaiting for us through out the week. I do think I am going to go with the flow this evening and just allow myself to chill with this mellow, laid back emotion. It has been an overwhelming and very emotional week. I pray that stepping into Monday will bring a better week.

Crossing my fingers…

~Nina~

Remember as Why…Will to Continue

Reading my posts from the previous seven entries, the information gathered is that I have had some recent, intense struggle. Three days ago I wrote I might not come back. The last three days I have done plenty of crying, searching, thinking, and more. Each night I sat down at the computer and stared at a blank page only to feel completely lost with the heavy sense of emptiness. I couldn’t decide if I wanted or should quit completely. My raging emotions left me unable to get a few of the people I want so badly to understand, to hear what I was saying, and grasp the understanding of what I am going through as well as why. I hadn’t eaten a majority of the days this last week while the others had little ingested. As I dwindled both physically and emotionally I realized that I can’t quit writing, it has become the vice of surviving this…addressing my emotions while working through them. I need to remember why I started this, why I have done this, and why I will continue this…

The realization that I will get anyone to fully understand what I have gone through and how it affects me day to day is unlikely. Though my efforts everyday of articulating this emotional journey can help bring insight to what I am going through, this is for my purposes…my journal to surviving more than life itself. Writing each day brings light to my most intimate emotions for that day or an experience. As the visualized feelings become vivid you can almost feel them yourself, but remember as anyone walks this earth…what is presented on the outside doesn’t determine the possible pieces laying everywhere within. You have a sneak peek to my insides, which doesn’t reflect the person everyone sees, works with, or walks by each day.

From the beginning I have sought out resources to help me work through all of these ups and downs as well as to bring understanding within. I had no idea what I would be faced with or how there are involuntary responses to the various aspects of recovering. Again I stood before the blackboard trying to piece together a game plan to work through this sudden swing of emotions…my illuminated fear. I have thought about my journey so far and what has brought me success as well as some things I have avoided. I received another book; while I went to my bookshelf to take off the first book I was handed many months ago. I will be working through both these readings to help me become more knowledgeable. My continued efforts will build from how far I have already come.

I was presented challenge today. The specifics are not important, but the great sense of loss and disappointment cultivated a moment of heavy emotion. Facing the reality of losing something that I was proud of and worked hard for had devastated me as I signed along the line. I looked up through the blurry shield of tears falling. The lady touched my hand and said, “Things will get better. You will rise above.” A complete stranger took a moment to help instill faith for me, that is more than valued…she touched my heart. Frozen, I closed my eyes to replay the words she expressed. I bowed my head, took a deep breath, and lifted my chin. Upon the connection of our eyes I returned with a whisper, “Thank you.”

Part of moving forward is forcing yourself…pushing yourself to keep placing one foot in front of the other. Waking up this morning I realized that I have done it before and I need to do it again. The emotions, the extreme range of emotions have once again suppressed my appetite for days. As I became so distracted by this emotional experience and my duties of each day I didn’t feel hungry and forgot to remind myself to eat. This morning I stopped myself and made breakfast a requirement. That first swallow gagged me, the nutrition is necessary as is the psychological power it brings. I maintained my strength and followed through with an entire day of proper nutrition. As I mustered the focus to myself I needed to do more today than just eat. All day I told myself, “If you can eat, you can write.” Here I am, not giving up on the one thing that has brought me so far. As breakfast was a struggle, so has been this entry. So many times I have wanted to close the screen and many times I have gotten up to walk away, but I focused on the bigger picture. The investment, the energy spent will only pay forward ten fold. I am here for me.

Determination an ember…Motivation an accelerant

~Nina~

Not Tonight

I am not going to be writing to night. I am not sure if I will even write anymore. Today has been more than I need right now. Additional events stacked on top of this vault of already established difficulty from Monday, I just have nothing. I want nothing, I feel lonely and scared, I am truly just lost. I don’t enjoy this and again struggle with not being able to provide understanding to just what it is to go through this and how it affects you. I have this doubt about myself that is worse then before. It has been one of the worse days to date and I feel like I am in a million pieces that don’t fit together.

I found this quote…

“Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something, and has lost something” ~Author Unknown~

There is no right or wrong way to heal. There is not the ability to “just fix” this or flip a switch that allows this pain to dissolve without residual reoccurrences. Everyone’s time line and process to heal is different. Understanding may not be accomplished which leads one to protect themselves from the anticipated reactions that are received repeatedly and leaving the option of shutting down or shutting people out a desired option. Support and love is the only thing necessary

Unsure if I will be back…

~Nina~

Pain so Deep…Lonely no Cure

Last night was a night of great sorrow and a pain I never want to experience again. The reality is that I have before felt this pain and I will again some day. There is no getting away from this. I receive a letter that effected me in a way I didn’t think would. A conversation then followed that didn’t get anything much more accomplished then feeling like I had this black hole inside. I was hurt badly and I don’t know how to recover from this, from last night, or from the future that awaits me.

As I read the words and formed the understanding I couldn’t hold anything back. I sobbed uncontrollably. I could breathe and began to feel my stomach churn. Getting close to people is something I just no longer want to do…because the loss of something I worked for, I cherished has sunken into the shadows leaving me feel unsecure. A set of arms that lifted me have now become different. Laying awake most of the night I pleaded for God to just stop, to stop with the weight and the continued loss.

My conversation left me feeling frustrated as someone I want to understand doesn’t. I want to just quit trying to get people to understand. It is a roller coaster for me, I do great for days, weeks, a month…then within a day or two the weight I am presented with caves me. I am told this is normal by the resources I seek, but those then conflicts with the views of others, of the person I talked to last night. What am I? I feel broken and I already feel like a failure…like a huge let down, hearing the words I did last night only added to my solemn heart.

I would like to say I have never cried as hard as I did last night, but I have. I would like to say I have never lain awake so long, but I have. I would like to say this is the only morning I have not wanted to get out of bed, but it isn’t. I would like to say I have never felt this empty, but I have. I feel lost, so lost I am unsure how or if I can be found. Giving up on love, happiness, and healing is honestly at this moment something that feels desirable. I have considered to stop writing, this doesn’t help anyone…this blog. I have considered just falling off the radar and dissolving into the surroundings until I am unnoticed, just another person walking the streets.

Why keep trying…I seek all the appropriate resources and I have all the strength I can find to pull me out of a hole, I start feeling alive and then things change within one day. If for one second you think I am holding on to this, you are wrong. For some damn reason this hold has latched to my wrist and pulls without warning. Maybe I am not strong….maybe I am not what you believe I am. For that, I apologize.

Moving into my day, I am unsure just what is out there waiting for me. Frankly I don’t want to know, but I refuse to have a lurking depression win. I will go to work, I will be a success. My kids will wake up and see the woman I am as I love them more than they know. I will bring brightness to their day. I will continue to utilize the resources I have and just pray…because I am not the person that will give up or quit regardless of how strong that feeling is.

Wondering hour…Day left of live

~Nina~

Dominos do Fall…Another disheartened Day

Most of my day I thought about what to write or how to find just the right words to articulate how I am feeling and here I am…a mess. The complete whirlwind of emotions from yesterday has left myself and many others confused. I have no expectation that anyone will fully understand this struggle, the internal turmoil of learning how to become resilient to a cycle that has consumed them long enough to present this feeling of irreversible damage. I have worried, been scared, felt lost, and more today. How do I reach the ones I need to…how do I better explain?

There is so much going on and the pressure has built over the last few days, even a week. There is the wonder on my having stepped backwards and just how far I have gone. Last night I just wanted the pain to stop. As I look back, 24 hours ago, I have this vision of myself being frozen and everything swirling out of control as I became dizzy. So many emotions whipped by as well as scenarios and faces. Anticipating disappointment and distance from some has been my greatest fear. Is it fair that I continue to feel ashamed and to accept myself as a failure? Maybe it isn’t, though it is how I feel.

I feel like I am going to be forced to package up something that has meant so much to me. Altered, it has become altered. Reassurance of it being a bump and nothing more hasn’t left me assured at all. I can feel it in my bones; yesterday’s events will plant that seed, the starting point of doubt. Being able to read, understand, and feel mannerisms of another has been this gift that haunts me. It doesn’t take much for me to pick up on just how this will go. Just thinking about this dissolving treasure leaves me heartbroken. The emotions trickle down my face as I become even more alone. This will not be an easy adjustment…I pray it isn’t good-bye.

Day by day leaves this uncertainty that can change things within an hour, a minute, even a second. Right now there is a pain that hurts so deep that it brings more than a numb feeling, it has brought a sense of emptiness. I don’t want to reach out to anyone because I don’t want to again explain the river of emotion that pours with the words. I don’t want to meet anyone new because I don’t want to have to shed light to what I have gone through which has brought me to where I am and why I break down. Is my destiny to be alone? Can I be alone? I don’t want to hurt anyone and this chaos I have been forced to deal with has me trying to protect others making the lonely option the most functional.

As I try and focus I have this awful heaviness in my stomach. I feel sick. I am afraid there just are not enough of the right words to help express how I feel. I tried, tonight the listed above has been my best effort. I feel swallowed and empty. God, if you can hear me, I pray that I can sleep tonight, I pray that tomorrow sheds some sort of light to my darkness, and I pray this pain eases.

Please, I am begging…

~Nina~

Struggles to Comply…Caved to Response

Waking up this morning was difficult. It was as though my subconscious already knew what my day was going to consist of. I opened my eyes, looked at my alarm clock, and then gazed out the window. Every possible question ran through my mind. Have I made the right choices? How did I get here? Why haven’t I written in two days? Can I grow professionally? Will I be successful at raising my children? Will they value hard work and respect others? Is there something more that I can be doing? Is there something more I should be doing? Will I be ok? As there were so many more questions that raced through my mind, I felt a single tear roll down my left cheek. I knew today was going to be a hurricane of emotion…it was.

After dropping off my little ones at daycare this morning, I looked into the rearview mirror and without notice felt this lump lodge in my throat. I wanted to swallow, but I couldn’t. I was fighting the involuntary welling of tears. As I drove to work I was able to mull through the unsuspected emotion and shift my focus to something different.

Going about my day was a distraction, but there lingered that urge to just sit down and cry. Why? Where does this come from? The confusion just swirls around me until I take the time to just confront it. Today I didn’t want to, I just wanted to be left alone.

Having an appointment this afternoon left me feeling a little uneasy as I wasn’t sure how it would go. I had so many questions and just really want to figure the remaining pieces so the process can move forward. As I sat down a list was handed across the table. With each line I read, the room became more hazed. I couldn’t breathe and I could feel the anxiety rise as it took over my body. My heart was racing as this was a piece to explain his frame of mind right now. Shear confusion rushed, I wondered how…why? Instantly I felt this need to curl up, to give in. My ring flashed in the forefront of my mind. All his interpreted rules of his behavior weighed on me like that of a ton of bricks. I could see the people around me talking, but I couldn’t fully take anything in or understand.

I walked out of the building and felt dizzy as the world whipped by. Someone walked me to my car and I was a shell, looking forward, I struggled to just isolate myself from everyone. It is safer for me if I just abide by his invisible hold…if I just cave to the control. Getting into my vehicle I was overwhelmed with sickness. The nausea was captivating and my body shook. Putting the vehicle in drive opened the flood gate. Emotion fell from my eyes, soaking my soul. I needed a few minutes to compose myself, I couldn’t pick my children up with this train-wreck appearance.

Pulling into the parking lot, I had arrived to a place that has become a home away from home. This is where the journey began; this is where the knowledge was presented…where the support began. I didn’t make it far before I ran into the bathroom. Hunched over I heaved so violently that my eyes hurt. Leaning back I flushed only to feel defeated. Crumbled there on the floor I sobbed…I am unsure what to do anymore. Pulling myself together I stood with a timid posture. Finally I made it to my office and as I sat down, yet again another river flowed from my eyes. I pulled at my shirt, I couldn’t breathe. At that time of the day there is no one around and I just felt safe enough to let things go. After a few minutes I had the urgency to go pick up my blessed trio. I needed them; I needed their smiles…their innocence.

Making it home I started with our routine. I maintain composure while in front of my children, I do not want this robbing them of their childhood…I do not want them to worry or be encased with sadness. They need to laugh, play, and live life through a child’s eyes…they do not need to be swarmed with the adult world or adult concepts. Though feeling uneasy inside, I suppressed my emotional needs until they all went to bed. Tucking each of them in I whispered, “I love you. Sweet dreams.” Walking down the stairs I halted at the landing. The silent stream flowed and I at that moment caved.

I paced the house. I was fighting the urge…the need. I pulled my wedding ring out and stared at it. Shaking my head I set it down. I can’t do this, I cannot let him win. Again, the list I was presented with flashed in front of my face, the conversation replayed through my mind. The overwhelming reality of what truly is going through his mind and gaining some insight to his state all became too much. I couldn’t breathe, my head pounded, and I began to shake. Stepping forward I gave in, I put my ring on.

Instantly there was a sense of relief. I cannot describe to anyone how hard it is to maintain strength, to stand my ground. Understanding why women go back…I know why they do, why I would. It is having the ability of knowing where he is, being able to read his behavior, and deciphering his mood. Getting through my days was being able to adjust to his state of mind at that moment. Not knowing, left wondering, having no ability to trust I am left to have no game plan. I am left waiting for him to become unhappy with me, to burn me with his eyes of fury. I wasn’t allowed to stand up to him, to be intolerant of his treatment towards me. When I did I was told that, “I will not meet you to get the kids. The kids only come here if you come here. If you don’t then you can explain to their Grandparents why they didn’t get to see them on Thanksgiving.” Knowing just how I would be treated I didn’t want to, but did on the behalf of my children and their Grandparents as I didn’t want to take time, to take memories from them. If I didn’t control my emotions and had a break down I was scolded and ‘thanked’ for “embarrassing him in front of his family.” Being obedient has allowed me to survive…it kept an escalation at bay. Having this sense of obedience to him has allowed me to once again calm and hope for the avoidance of intensification to his underlying thrive for control.

Avoiding, yes I have avoided people tonight. I didn’t open my blinds, I didn’t respond to messages. As I write this next section the reference ‘you’ is for my audience. I will talk to you each as if it was one on one…

The anticipated disappointment from you is too much for me. I feel ashamed that I broke down and gave in. I feel as though I have let you down. Are you? Do you feel disappointed as you visualize my left hand again decorated with that of my ring? I don’t know how to bring an understanding, I just hope to give you enough that you will try to understand. I don’t even know what I expect other than you looking down upon my fold. It isn’t as easy as just deciding, “Don’t care. Just don’t let it bother you.” Please know that I try everyday and I will keep trying. I am doing the best that I can. I don’t want you to be mad, I don’t want you to leave. Do you know what if feels like to feel so damaged that even if someone did fall in love with me, they wouldn’t stay? He will take that from me too. I know that my choices have been correct and my children deserve to lead a life free from the chaos of domestic abuse. Just the experience of witnessing myself as a target is as damaging as being a target. I do what I do everyday for them. That is why I maintain the safety clause and rest assured I won’t revert entirely. Please, I just need this for a moment…please, keep believing in me.

…I apologize, but know I will keep trying.

As a victim…as a person of surrender, he truly had the control. I didn’t want to disappoint him, to upset him, to hear him yell. I had lost my ability to stand up for myself and I still struggle with that yet today. I pray it doesn’t cost me my entire life. I pray I can get through this with the strength I have conditioned for. I pray to feel whole again.

Emotional surrender…For a moment of calm

~Nina~

Layers will Capture the Detail

Earlier this afternoon I was greeted with another wave of overwhelming emotions. I haven’t been feeling all that great and I didn’t write last night due to physical illness. After receiving another persistent phone call today, I just couldn’t take it anymore. He got what he wanted when he told my lawyer that he was going to make my life miserable. I am swarmed by the creditors on the vehicle he blatantly stopped paying on regardless of his agreement and a court order because he wanted to hurt me. Everyday since I have suffered and more giving him the victory he searched for.

Beyond frustrated I sat down to put some feelings on paper. Then the tears began to stream down my face. I just want to give up. I keep wondering if I have it in me to stick this out without surrender. I feel like a prisoner. Everything…he has just about buried me in every area he can. As the water creeps I struggle to move as the current is strong, then it comes to my jaw line and I fear I will drown. At what point does everything just settle for good. When is this over?

Poetry is a way to express myself. When I sat down the lyrics poured out of my heart and down my face…

It's never enough, it doesn’t quit
Frustrated and sad, only to cry
Being chased daily, no rest to sit
Domino effect, my question why

His reason low, hurtful indeed
A claim of misery, I bring to him
In his mind, his right to plant seed
Misery to me, honestly he does win

Never my behavior, intentions of hurt
Only I loved him, devoted my soul
Pieces taken, with his over assert
Now this moment, empty I with this hole

After writing the verses I just had a surge of mixed emotions. I was frustrated! Never once did I act in a manor to deliberately hurt him. Working hard for everything I have, I brought what I could to the table…to this family, to the marriage. I have been forced into a loss of a foundation I had been building since I was 16 years old. I have been taken to the knees and held down consistently on many emotional levels. Now as I try to stand there is yet another pressing issue or emotions resisting my endeavors. I gave him everything I had!!! Sure, say it like others have, “It won’t be like this forever. You can start over and recover from this.” Well damnit! I have been trying to start over, get a fresh start to life and pull recovery to the many damaged areas of my life…of my person. I have been trying for 9 months, I keep plugging away and putting pieces together only to find them frame this void in the puzzle without riddle for me to locate the missing pieces. Without notice I am kicked in the stomach by the lurking emotions of great weight bringing this roller coaster ride that I no longer want to be on.

Through the night time routine I just brought focus to my sweet children and their needs from me at that moment. The distraction worked, but was temporary as when they closed their eyes I was left alone with this feeling like I was going to explode. My heart raced, my mind a blur. Again, I found myself fighting a river of emotion as my cheeks became wet. Searching for something to ease the pain, the pressing frustration I pulled out the drawer that is home to my painting supplies. After gathering everything I needed, I put a couple pieces out for me to paint.

As I dipped my brush into the paint I could feel my breathing become less labored. Instantly as I guided that first brushstroke along the base of the piece I was starting I could feel my body relax. Soothing, painting has always brought a calming effect to my body, mind, and soul. As I place the base coat I begin to visualize the finished product. I then play with colors within my imagination to determine just how I can go from the base coat of sheer black, to something with life. With each final piece I have painted, I pose expression…I bring a dull sculpture of ceramic to life through various techniques and layers of color. I capture the detail that can’t be seen when you look at the blank slate.

Feeling my entire being relax, I was staring there at my hands working on something that was bigger than the piece I was painting. Life is the process of evolution, the layering of many colors as well as the use of the vast techniques of application. It is a natural approach to everything I do. I can see the final product, vision, or hopes for structure and then I develop my plan or layout. This way of looking at the bigger picture in the future is the way I navigate through the present.

Halting for a moment I realized, I too am a piece of art. I am this blank slate just waiting for the array of colors and brushstrokes to flow my expression…my essence. Each day I can paint my way to where I want to go, to who I want to be. I just have to visualize within my heart and hold onto that picture of peace. The beauty of painting is that it evolves along the way coming together with new techniques, changed tint schemes, but always do present with the breathtaking arrangements of colors that melt into that final display.

This may be a roller coaster and I appear to repeatedly miss the exit as my seatbelt constantly malfunctions, but if I am going to be forced into this ride then I need to find a way to gather my focus and lose that lurched feeling as I plummet into difficult days. I will paint…I will close my eyes and bring the brush to a new color, a brighter hue. I will glide the shade across my heart and allow the new color to cover this day, this darkness. I will again peek at that final vision, the inspiring shades of a warming sunset as I move forward with my canvas.

Palette of many...Endless color schemes

~Nina~

Tough Start…Strong Finish

With a day as difficult as I had yesterday there has been many checking in with me today just to ask, “How are you today?” The surrounding support is more than I could ever ask for. The genuine concern gives me the hope I need to prevail…to maintain focus on the growth I have achieved. The belief that has been expressed in me goes beyond encouragement. I am loved…I am loved for who I am.

The events of my day…how do I express just what my day has brought to me. How about I begin with the first text message of the day…it was 7:28 a.m. “Good morning! How did u sleep?” This person has been a huge presenting security with vast support and availability to me. I appreciate this person more than they know. My morning started early with a meeting and as I got this message later in the morning I had already experience emotions that I didn’t expect to be faced with.

My update…

I want to express a thank you to the individual for checking in with me this morning. As far as sleep, when I went to bed there was this jolt of panic. I couldn’t breathe as my heart had lodged in my throat and I felt like I was going to explode. It has been so long since I have had that sort of anxiety about closing my eyes and becoming vulnerable to my unconscious. A few days before his release I woke up to nightmares, but the fear of going to sleep hasn’t been an issue for quite some time. I honestly made it to a place where I felt I have done the right thing, I have maintained the appropriate strength, and developed a functional life for the kids and me. The ability to verbalize that this wasn’t my fault was an achievement, a moment of pride.

When this person left last night, even before they came…I had started to grasp myself. Between the ability to speak to someone earlier, the distraction of my busy routine at home, and the comfort of their presence, I started to settle. Having them there, just to work through happy memories or express my struggle to again become obedient to him…I needed that and I want to thank them!

A few weeks ago there was an email that came across the entire department from our administrator. It was asking if there was anyone that would be interested in being a representative for our department. Instantly I saw the doorbell that I ring when go seek my support network. As I look up the sign is there on the wall… United Way …I know the importance of funding to something that has brought this opportunity to live, to survive, and without hesitation I responded to our administrator’s email with the response that I would love to. If there is something I can do to give back to something that has given to me, then I will do what I can in my power to do just that.

Today was our first meeting and I was feeling empowered as giving back is very important to me. Since the day I had signed up to volunteer for this project I had the desire to present to people a token of my experience and what it is to have opportunities presented, to foster the reality that overcoming this is possible. The services and programs that have assisted my children and I have been amazing and I just want to pay forward as this is my reason for being apart of the United Way team….to give back to something that has given to me.

As the meeting progressed I had my ideas in the back of my mind while a video was played. The presenting scene was of two people expressing the growing need and underestimated demand within our community has for families in times of difficulty. Then there were some small blocks on the following screen that had logos or programs that have benefited from the funds raised. Then another set popped up and there it was, a block with the logo, a logo on a business card I have hiding in my office. The organization that brought support to our community, to me and my situation, it was there on the screen. As my efforts became validated the block I was staring at began to swell and took up the entire screen. As the white background dissolved I was staring at a person I work closely with, I heard the voice of encouragement that often speaks to me in times of struggle. The flood of emotions became uncontrollable. The reality of my situation, my whirlwind of emotions, my journey all brought difficulty to breathe. After the video clip my mind became a haze…the only racing thought I had was, “I can do this, I can give back to a program of hope so others too can move forward with a healthy life.” Walking out of the room I took a deep breath and held my chin up…I will give great efforts to this.

I don’t have lots to offer, but this entire experience has fueled my aspiration to give a voice to other women and children, to give back to those who have been there for my children and me. There is nothing more warming then arms surrounding you when you feel so alone. Despite my fear and discomfort with needles I began to and now religiously donate blood. Tomorrow will mark my third donation to the Blood Center since entering this journey of recovery. I donate other items instead of throwing them out, I volunteer, I make sure the kids pick up at daycare before leaving, we reach out to those when we can….all I have to offer is the labor of my hands and the passion of my heart. Someday I hope to be more; I hope to carry a position to meet with women, to hold their hands, to come to their home when they need someone….I hope to be affiliated with the local agency that I have been involved with or a similar organization. I hope to share endorsements emotionally through public speaking and financially from the future success I may have. I hope to make a difference!

Yesterday I didn’t feel like I was stronger than I had been in the beginning, I didn’t feel like I was in a better place and it is hard to grasp the reality that I truly am when the raw emotions of that moment, that hour pull with discouragement. My gauge to my efforts within is the recovery time…I indeed had an emotional morning, but I had been able to pull myself together within an hour. I now at this second feel calm…empowered. I recognize that the probability of my breaking down and crying or being scared within the day or tomorrow will happen again, but I am not letting that take this moment…I can have this moment, this minute, this hour…I don’t have to let it consume me as I can control that. Deep breaths…they don’t feel as painful anymore, they feel encouraging.

Again, I want to thank everyone…I appreciate each of you more than you will ever know!

~Nina~

Emotional Turmoil…Paralyzed Soul

Though yesterday was his release day, I wasn’t really affected by it until today. As I unlocked my door and stepped outside this morning I was swarmed by this overwhelming sense of nausea. Yesterday I stayed inside, avoided the reality of what I would be faced with…but today I had to face it. With new restrictions to the court order I feel on edge as he always tries to push the boundaries. I constantly looked over my shoulder, fearing he would be there ready to express his anger. I was doing so well, feeling like the power of his control was gone, and I was able to breath…today I was faced with a whole new whirlwind of emotion.

I pulled out of my driveway and headed off to work. My heart was racing and with the feeling of needing to vomit I realized that I had forgotten my badge for work. My mind already was pacing and causing distraction. When I unlocked the door I walked in, put my badge around my neck, and froze. At that very moment I felt I should place my wedding ring on, make immediate arrangements for him to know my sorrow, and make up to him…I felt I needed to be obedient to him as in his eyes I crossed him dearly. I felt like I was to take what he had for me. I felt swallowed by his control, my fear.

Where does this come from? I have felt strong these days…in control of my own world. I have been proud. It hasn’t hurt to breath, I have felt safe. With the simple knowledge of his ability to roam, I have no piece of mind to his frame of mind, whereabouts, or his intentions. Every vehicle that passed me left me gazing at the driver in wonder. Each unknown face resembled his. There came a point in my day where I couldn’t breath, I wanted…I needed answers.

Nothing is more captivating then the fear I had once again today. I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to hide, to just let him win. I didn’t open my blinds this afternoon when I got home. I again have become a prisoner to mere safety of my own walls. After tucking my sweet children in I was faced with solitude. In attempt to resist my tears I ran on the treadmill. As I looked forward I could see his face, I would turn up the speed with effort to break free from this invisible hold. I ran so hard that I found myself hunched over the toilet. Heaving this despair I am left to feel defeated.

I pray that I can rest tonight. I pray that with time there will be no reason for me to further fear him or his behavior anymore. All I want is to be able breath, smile, open my blinds, play outside, and not wonder if today will be the day he wants to be angry. I pray he can find peace within and too live a healthy life. I just want a balance…I just want to live.

Invisible hold…Reappearing fear

~Nina~

Timid Release…Praying Hope

The time has come and the man I have separated from, the man that is legally my husband was released today. How do I feel? I am not sure. Numbness has kept me calm. Distraction has been my greatest tool. I stayed home as today is the holiday and remained within the house. I also enjoyed some company which brought relief to the lonely and uneasy feeling. Before I knew it the day was over and here I am reflecting on something I have attempted to avoid all day.

Is it possible to evade something enough that it just doesn’t seem real? Of course, I use to do that when I lived with the abuse. I dodged the reality of his behavior for what it was because I was too ashamed to swallow my role as a victim. I thought I was smarter than that to be sucked into a vicious cycle…to surrender all control to another person as he violated my life on many levels. I found ways to take responsibility for his actions towards me, I believed him as I was sentenced to fault. If I changed and became what he wanted then he would change right? No, the two and a half years I have been around this I am left with the harsh reality that it doesn’t change and the only thing I have is hope to evolve with this process of surviving from it all.

As I remember that coping mechanism of prevaricating while living with it as well as when I initially left I am faced with the conclusion that I again have surfaced that ability to numb my essence and totally avoid the reality of today. I just think that I should be waking from a dream where this all has been nothing but a long and drawn out nightmare.

The fact is…this is not an illusion or a bad dream. All I am left to do is take a deep breath and hope…

What I hope for, what I pray for presses the weight through my mind right now. I hope things become uneventful. I hope there is no attempt at contact or violation to the order. I hope things can be set up with visitation in a timely manner. I pray that he has found something inside that will present him with life changing mannerisms. I hope he wakes with out anger and falls asleep with efforts to strive for a quality of better health. I pray I can remain energized and free of extreme emotion as I have come to a place I never thought I would have…tranquility. Most importantly I hope the fear maintains at bay.

Please may the seed of strength flourished deep roots…

~Nina~

Emotions will Cascade…Heart does Flood

A day I have waited for this moment for months, well today was my day. I anxiously ventured through each day and woke up today with my heart racing. The reality of today being emotional was understood, but the actual level of emotion choked me. There was a void that burned and today brought a waterfall of emotion…feelings that validate the love I have.

Driving home the bridge caved. My heart broke and the emotion poured from my heart. Sadness yet appreciation soaked my cheeks. Wiping the moisture only brought hope to my essence. I pray for another day like today.

I cannot express the exact events of my day…but they mean more to me then words can explain. Tonight I can rest my head with the peace I gained from a long awaited embrace. The vision of a smile of purity may trickle this lingered emotion, but tomorrow will be a new day…a day of strength.

Day never forgotten…Necessary time

~Nina~

New Challenges…New Skills Earned

Last night I didn’t make it to the computer as I had fallen asleep next to my sweet daughter while snuggling with her. Waking up around midnight, I tucked her in and ventured downstairs. I stood before the mirror in the bathroom and realized that the serenity I was embraced with at that very moment calmed all possibility to have anything but peace at heart. Life at this time is just what I need…calm.

Today presented me with some challenges I wanted to overcome. I have a hunger that burns deep for knowledge as I am addicted to learning. I won’t allow anything to stand in my way while the words, “I can’t” are not allowed. If there is one thing I have learned is that I don’t stand on the side lines waiting for help…I will find a way to prove myself. There is nothing that I cannot do. My motto remains: if there is a will, there is a way.

My little girl is three years old and only has had one actual hair cut since I brought her into this world. I did cut her bangs a few times myself, but the body and style grew naturally. This summer was the first time I had it trimmed as it was getting a little long. Now having boys is a different story. The up keep is necessary more frequently and not something I was ready for. With that comes double the price tag which is just another blessing of twin bliss. My energy is to meet my children’s needs with the most cost effective way without jeopardizing the integrity of their needs. Funds are not endless here in my motherhood pocket book, which is why if I can find another route to bring ease to the cost of parenthood I will.

With lots of research, reading, and some focus on my belief within I laid out the tools for this new adventure. I wanted to maintain a similar style as their little boy look is beyond adorable. With the use of two guards, a pair of scissors, and a deep breath I managed to present success to a cute hair cut times two. The boys did great sitting patiently and I just trusted myself enough to know that I have always managed to succeed with anything I put my effort into. As I cleaned them up and dressed them they both smiled with great innocence, of that purity of a small child. They are growing so fast and now have those grown up looks to them. My babies are becoming toddlers while I struggle to slow time.

I was filled with pride today. I pulled off a little boy’s haircut that wasn’t a buzz cut. I added to my bank of skills in which can save me not only a trip to the salon, but a debit to my checkbook. Everyday I find new ways to strive at the challenges of raising twins, but more importantly I present great avenues to taking care of my three little ones as a single mother. I have said it many times before, but I cannot say it enough…being a mother is my number one job and my children are my number one priority.

I will shortly head up to bed and finalize my day. I will check on my darlings one last time and run my hand down their backs while whispering, “I love you” one more time. As I reach the doorway to each of their rooms, I will turn and smile as the pride I have glows as I watch my beautiful gifts sleeping. I will place my head upon my pillow and close my eyes with the internal harmony that calms my mind. Drifting into the land of dreams I will pray my appreciation to the life I have…to the gift I truly love.

Lockets of love…Snippets of transition

~Nina~

Internal Burn…Soul does Search

September 2, 2010

Feeling much more rested today, I am up allowing my mind to venture the depths of my imagination after my children have been tucked in. Kissing their foreheads, I swept my index finger gently across their cheeks and traced the line behind their ears. The sensitive response reflected from their innocent smiles validates the emotional connection from something as simple as touch. I not only tell them verbally, but nonverbally I communicate my love for them daily. As I flipped the switch off at the top of the stairs, I turned and smiled as my heart was warm knowing they can rest with visions of sugar plums floating amongst their dreams.

Tonight I ponder the communication of touch between two adult souls. When a man and a woman become romantically involved there is a level of nonverbal language shared, that connection of electricity upon her skin as he slides his hand up her arm or the sensitivity he embraces as she caresses his cheek in her delicate hand. There is nothing more powerful then the words that go unspoken.

Lying on the couch I close my eyes and allow my mind to be taken by my imagination…

Standing before the window she gazes to the stars. The room is filled with the soft glow of candlelight, bringing radiance to her complexion while he watches her from behind. Sensing a presence, she glances over her shoulder to see him in the doorway. Looking back to the window she ever so gracefully flips her hair presenting invitation to his grasp. Gliding across the room, he reaches her only to guide all of her hair around to one shoulder. Exposing the vulnerability of her neck into the arm he stands closest too he develops a need to express his physical desire with a nonverbal interpretation.

The sight of her creamy skin begs him to connect his lips to the top of her shoulder. Instantly a sense of lust flows through her body. Remaining taut, her posture is of composure. The trace of his cologne melts her internal being, but control allows her to keep still. He follows a trail of kisses up her neck, while standing behind her, until he reaches her earlobe. Unable to maintain quite he whispers to her, expressing just how beautiful she is. The warmth of his breath on her necks dissolves her reserve and she becomes malleable to his gestures.

Their eyes connect as the position of their bodies become square with one another. Softness molds them as one while the heat rises between them. Silently she pleads for him to hold her tender, to please hold her strong. The grasp he engages in as he pulls her into him is tender, yet dominant. His left hand cups her jaw line causing her head to tilt back slightly while her posture slouches upon the pliable warmth of their kiss does bring weakness to her knees. Running her fingers through his hair the desire burns within them both.

Mutually the strength of their hold becomes bold. The emotional hunger becomes urgent. Needing, wanting to be close becomes the only focus. Placing her hand on his chest she takes the lead while pushing him back until he is sitting on the edge of the bed. Leaning over him she kisses just behind his ear. The sensation of her hot breath surges an animalistic reaction within his core. She closes her eyes as she whispers how much she wants him at that moment.

…the vision captured me with a vivid hold. Upon opening my eyes I am surrounded with solitude, but the warmth of fantasy.

Taking time to understand and visualize that pure connection of heat leaves me a little timid. Though my imagination carries me through a scene of great passion, a vision most women have at one time or another, it excites my question of just how the true sensation of a touch like this will be received by my skin. A moment, an experience such as this will come with deep trust and respect. A foundational love of safety…a love I will wait forever for if need be.

A verse from my heart…

Resting these eyes this she does see
Begging for safety she does plead
Dancing with desire will set her free
Growth within empowerment seed

Do love her tender feathered aloft
Please hold her do grasp her strong
A touch so delicate so very soft
To be with, to love she does long

I may be alone, but no more am I fearful of the loneliness. Patience is a virtue, a quality necessary to be used through this adventure. I will not force or press the process of romance. I will appreciate the visions I have and understand that someday, somewhere a love of purity awaits me.

Fable for now…Innocent does fantasy

~Nina~

Back to School...Foundational Years

Today was the first day back to school for the students in my community. As I drove to work I saw the sidewalk volunteers awaiting the trickle of little feet to venture in to the adventure of a new year. The warmth that flowed through my veins came from the arrangement of my own school year memories and my future first day as a parent as my daughter will be starting a year from now. The moment the classroom becomes filled marks the transition of summer to fall. A favorite season of mine, the cool, brisk breeze and array of hues the fall leaves will bring is all a scene of harmony.

The shift from one season to another can mimic the shift within one’s ambitions, efforts, and goals. Moving from day to day may cause a rut, but looking in the mirror to reevaluate the circumstances can bring focus within. Today may feel like an imperfection with hopes that tomorrow of great brilliance. Looking over the past months my experiences drifted change just as winter to spring and spring to summer. What will await me from summer to fall I don’t know, but I anxiously wait with anticipation for great things.

For some that don’t know, earlier this summer I suffered a tough injury to my leg causing me to lose out on the rest of my softball season and the half marathon I was training for. I was devastated as it seems that everything I work for gets ripped away from me, but I relaxed with refocus on the fact that I can make new goals, train for a new race, and it could have been worse. Working back into things I am now at a point of transition as I can return to my training regimen. Back to the basics for me…new focus to my running goals.

Tying the laces to my shoes I stepped back into more than the miles of endurance. I again grasp the pavement of strength…of courage. It doesn’t matter what tries to knock me down or stop me from my goals. I keep getting up, dusting off my knees, and searching deep within for that vault of stamina. My destiny is of great things, of radiance. My future, whether it be fitness or my professional goals, is of a rare gem. The luster of my soul shimmers bringing a desired glimmer into this world.

As I move into my new training regimen I am excited for the miles I can cover both physically and emotionally. My dreams are my motivation. My imagination surfaces the routes of effort to reach my goals. My belief carries me like that of an eagle’s wings soaring through the open sky. Tomorrow a day of mystery, but only for a few mores hours, soon it will be a reality of new challenges to strengthen my essence.

Believe, Dream, Imagine

~Nina~

Heel to Toe…Letting you Know

As a child and into my adolescent years I was the exceptionally tall gal with a brut-type build. Never did I ever feel girly nor have a desire to want to embrace feminine qualities. After all, why would I do that…I looked better in football pads than a dress, which is how I felt about my body structure. I wore little to no make-up and owned 2 pairs of dress pants at graduation. I was going to work in the Nursing field which gave me the privilege of wearing the figure concealing scrubs and leaving me comfortable.

Never have I had a shopping fetish or knowledge to piece together anything fashionable. I just accepted my style dismay as mine. Well, let me take you on a stroll of evolution!

Within the last year I have learned that I can appreciate my qualities of strength and ability to get dirty as I change the oil in my vehicle, but also I can put together a vision of a true woman with the soft luminance of beauty. The process has been slow, but my make-up kit involves choices I didn’t know could be possible and my closet holding professional attire of skirts, slacks, and various tops to layer. I do own a curling iron and have the comfort to use it. Each day I try and present the flourished woman that has evolved along this journey. I am now at the phase of accessories and how do I put a necklace with the ensemble…though funds are limited, I just slowly piece things together.

As I look in the mirror I find myself putting my sewing skills to use as I do my own tailor work to my clothing as my figure has slimmed down. I have gained the comfort of clothes that “fit.” I avoid the baggy look and try to step out of my comfort zone to continue to build upon my ever growing self-esteem. Now, one thing that has haunted me is, yes my height! I looked at women walking in nice shoes, elegant heels, and dreamt what it would be like to have that confidence myself. I always just said, “I would break an ankle if I wore something like that or I would faint as I was brought to a new altitude where the air is thin,” but my curiosity never faded. Guess what!!

You guessed it. I took a step, a giant step out of my comfort zone and bought my first pair approximately three months ago. It was awkward at first as I am just about 6 foot without assistance. The angle at which I was walking brought a fatigue in my legs as it felt like I had worked out heavily, but it was just my muscles adhering to this flaunted delicacy heels bring to a woman’s wardrobe. About six weeks ago there was a gal that gifted me around seven pairs of heels and I fell in love! The confidence a set of heels gives is beyond that heaven of a dark chocolate candy bar!!

Each day, regardless of the circumstances I just maintained that mindset of keeping one foot in front of the other. I have tried to keep my chin up and walk tall even when I felt itty bitty through the intimidation I lived. Most days I feel that I am an unnoticed part of society, an undetectable attribute to our society. I was wrong…

Someone stopped me a few days ago as I walked across the lobby. They told me that it was nice to see someone embrace their height and not allow it to stop them from wearing shoes such as mine. They continued to tell me that it made them proud to watch as my shoulders were back, my posture strong, and the grace I had in my step. They said, “You see too many tall women hunched over trying to hide it, but you…you just put it out there and you are beautiful.”

People do notice…even if you feel invisible, there are people watching…be proud.

I am!!!!!

~Nina~

Moonlight Glow…Dreams Live

August 28, 2010

Writing of love, peace, and dreams is my forte. I am connected with emotions and have a deep understanding on what feelings mean what as well as how to express these same feelings for others to understand. I can paint a vivid picture for a mind to visualize while placing the reader in that scene. At one time I felt undeserving to live or experience dreams, but have learned otherwise. As I sit here and carry this particular vision, I invite you to embrace the same emotions of purity…

Taking her by the hand, he leads her down a path in a remote and quiet area. The moon was placed perfectly upon the star-brilliant sky. The water illuminated a reflection of the pure beauty of the nighttime air. The dock awaited them and as they place a footing on the look out her heart began to race as it was all taken right from a movie.

The moon drew her in and she was pulled to the corner. Closing her eyes she drew in a long and calming breath. Just as air kissed her cheek he took her by her elbow and guided her to him. Without notice a melody filled the air and he asked her to dance. The glimmer in her eye as the moonlight cascaded down on them allowed his soul to be touch with tranquility. Her beauty paralyzed his essence and together they embraced the moment. Dancing beneath the stars surfaced a new level to their relationship and moving as one brought unity to their heartbeats.

As she turned she gazed back at him and flashed that look of seduction. Climbing up onto the railing she sat and leaned back as to allow the emotions to brace her. The glow flowed to her forehead and trickled down her neck to shimmer her internal beauty on the outside. As he approached her, he was in awe as she peered over her shoulder. Taking a mental snapshot he never wanted to forget this moment. Adoration filled him as a woman of luminosity connected with his gaze. Moments of virtuousness…treasured time.

As I lay my head to rest this dream plays over and over within my mind. The vivid placement leaves me feeling as though dreamt fantasies can become realities. Grasping my womanhood I can and will play the leading lady some day.

Moments dreamt…Moments embraced

~Nina~

Paper and Pen…All Days Captured

August 27, 2010

The past week I have been surrounded with many tasks and just the exhaustion of daily living. I once felt that I must get to the computer everyday and if I didn’t post that night that I lost that day. Eventually the stress of what I have on my plate as a single parent and my dreams of an inspired author started to make me question whether or not I should write anymore. What I decided to do was forgive myself and let the pressures of life press someone else. On days that I can’t make it to the computer I jot my day, my emotions, and experiences on paper which gives me the opportunity to post it at a time that I can sit down undisturbed. When I started this approach I felt very much relaxed as I was still able to lay my true adventure out to be embraced by all of my followers. I want to thank each of you for your patience and understanding as to why I have been offline lately, but rest assured I am here.

Some days slip between my fingers like delicate white sand. No matter how hard I try to hold on to it my time trickles leaving a path of tasks I wanted, but didn’t get done for the day behind me as I am forced into the next hour…the next day. Learning the effects of stress on a physical level I have done some rerouting on how to handle the emotions of what may feel like an unfinished day to a successful day. I know each day that I give it my all and if the unknown curveballs derail my intended goals for that day, guess what…tomorrow can be tweaked to surface those accomplishments. Since evolving my mentality on leaving things for the next day and relaxing my internal drive to do 1,000 things at one time really has brought a whole new sense of well-being within for me. Now I break those 1,000 things into little batches over various days. Now I don’t feel like a failure anymore if I can’t manage to get every piece of clothing put away or the dishes washed. I have a different sense of self worth as I was able to adapt to my day and still close my eyes knowing that I did give 110% to my children and that is what is the most important to me.

Making myself accountable and still having that drive keeps me in line that I don’t become too relaxed and let things go unattended. It is that balance that I have that has brought me to a healthier approach to life while giving me the ability to fully embrace the beauty of each day. I am more than grateful and to appreciate all that I have I do what I can to give back. Overall I just feel complete and that holistic emotion is a damn good feeling!!

Days may pass…But all is still captured

~Nina~

Bubble Baths to Bachelor’s Degree

August 26, 2010

Each day I have this train of various concerns, ponders, and contemplations drift through my mind to mingle with my current day’s deliberations. My overall mindset or thought process places weight in the bigger picture which in turn effects the little things or choices I make each day. What I do now will impact tomorrow which will then impact exponentially into my future. When I put all the pieces together and complete the puzzle I hope to see the future I once visualized. I have that balance of looking ahead and reevaluating the now while using my insight to maintain that cohesive energy for my specific desired outcome.

Today I had focus yet again on my babies and their futures. In the back of my mind I constantly wonder how I will get my children through elementary school, into middle school, and transition to high school. I wonder how I will guide them through their foundational education years and into their college years. How will I assist them? Will I be able to assist them? I as a parent want to do my homework now for a better outcome for them in the future.

Many things go into play such as keeping their interest in the adventure of learning fueled. Reading, coloring, playing with shapes, colors, and concepts…creating that same hunger for knowledge as their Momma has is a goal that gets daily efforts. Also helping to teach them how balance their responsibilities and healthy recreation will be important. Holding them accountable for their behavior even in these early stages can be challenging but essential for their future years. Fostering their passions and supporting their dreams…I will do what I can to guide them through their voyage of life and education. Their aspirations are my inspirations!

As a mother I hope to be able to financially help dreams become realities, but I must instill responsibility within each of them when it comes to money. I will teach them by my example and together we will reap of the benefits of earned accomplishments without the reward of a particular dollar sign. Funding and assisting them is a goal I will achieve, but the value of what I have done for them will be reflected with their appreciation and responsibility for life. Life isn’t about the wad of cash in your pocket, but the hours of dedication and hard work placed into a project of desire or goal. These are all qualities I hope to inherit to my children. Looking at what we have and not what we could have will root happiness within them and cease the structure today’s society with the search of how to get more with little to no effort. Materials don’t foster that true and innocent joy in life…our values and morals instilled with family do.

As we ventured through our nighttime routine I kept reminding myself that their moments today become tomorrow’s memories. The skills they learn today will be tomorrow’s foundation. While splashing in the tub they giggled as they got Mom all wet, but what they don’t realize is that I was soaked with motivation and energy to be the best I can for them. As I gazed into their bath water the bubbles dissolved into the future and I could see the black cap and gown. Smiling within I know that the warmth I have now with this visual will be a reality within the blink of an eye. Time passes faster than spilled salt and tonight I embraced my here and now.

Toddler years…Foundation Solid

~Nina~

Romantic by Nature…Love’s Response

August 25, 2010

Being a part of a whole new world I have finally grasped my role as a single lady. It is different as I walk around gazing and people watching. The visuals I am presented with as men approach me have left me wondering just how to screen for that quality partner to experience life with. I have learned that I know just what I want and what I need. That man of mystery…a man who wants to grab life and live, he is out there somewhere.

Close your eyes and find that picture of when you first laid eyes on your significant other. Embrace those memories of the early stages when your relationship just started to blossom. Can you see it….the first date, the beginning days, and those initial weeks? Think about how your heart raced as you visualized his face or you first swept her hair behind her ear. Remember that attempt at a balance of your wanting to be accessible, yet playing hard to get. The warming sensation of when you looked inside and realizing that you have fallen in love with this person…precious, priceless moments forever treasured. Young love, old love, new love, long love…as you have journeyed with your partner take a moment to remember one moment that was of great awe--the first kiss.

As I ponder with anticipation, this flutter of emotion surfaces as I visualize this monumental moment. I am a confident woman and not much can make me nervous, but the idea of “a first kiss” has me in a turmoil. I am excited, yet scared. I am anxious, but timid. My heart races, but stops. What will it be when I have the opportunity to share a first kiss?

Closing my eyes I am presented with this visual…

He is sitting in the corner of the couch. His fingers just under his chin as he rests his elbow on the arm of the divan, there is this sense of ponder across his face. She comes into the room, wanting to snuggle as they had for the first time a few days prior, but is still unsure as to where they are going with their relationship. Awkwardly she turns and begins to position herself next to him, but is warmed with relief as he wraps his arms around her pulling her close to him. Leaning into him, resting on his chest her heart begins to race. The scent of his cologne fills her senses and the patter of attraction begins to beat louder.

A flood of emotions does release as they are intertwined. Her desire for him continues to grow as the safety he brings to her encases her entire being. Trailing her fingers down his arm presents her intentions to relay the message of softness she will bring to him. The tenderness as he guides a strand of hair behind her ear…the caressing of his hand down her neck, it is so sensual. The yearning grasp is strong as he just squeezes her and at this moment she draws in a deep, cool breath as she allows the mutual feeling of appetence surround them. His kiss to the top of her head drifts her mind with wonder upon if tonight will be the night…their first kiss.

As the moment grows with an intense apprehension she can feel his body language bounce between yes and no. His energy is eager yet timid. Her inhibitions melt as he holds her. The touch, their embrace for one another is delicate. As he kisses her cheek her insides begin to implode, pleading for him to kiss her. Closing her eyes she just allows her sense of touch to heighten and feel his aura as they slowly meet one another’s lips. The softness, the elegance of their connection sets her free. Arousal burns, but simmers with his affectionate touch. She lets go and loses herself in the moment, a treasured time captured forever.

Love is a tender and viable part of life. I have the desire to share my experiences with someone; I want to give my heart to another as he shares his. I am a romantic by ease as it is a dominate characteristic of my personality. I believe in the power of love and one day, when the time is right, I may have another chance at it.

The first kiss…A tender kiss

~Nina~

Day by Day…Passing my Time

August 24, 2010

The end of August is quickly approaching. As I am about to bundle up all my lessons and days of learning here this month I am proud of where and how far I have come. I remember when I first started this blog, it was the journey of my survival from a life of struggle and overcoming of separating from dismay. My pure intentions are to grab you by the hand and lead you on this adventure of life…a life filled with many trials and tribulations along with unlimited triumphs and precious rewards.

My introduction to myself and this journal is as follows…

I am a woman seeking the survival of love, life, and motherhood. My trials and triumphs have marked my personal character. Follow my journey as I separate from a life of domestic abuse and gather the strength to strive for my aspirations. ~Life is not about finding yourself...it is about creating yourself~

As I separated from a life of domestic abuse I have stepped into the world. Survival for months was to just rise above from the pain and heartache of the days of disarray. As I brainstorm on the direction of my writings each day I will always capture that day’s emotion. Yes, the main weight of this journal included the fear, the sadness, the leaving of my marriage…the idea and struggle of “surviving.” Looking back to my profile information I say, “the survival of love, life, and motherhood,” and that is the purpose of my daily written composure. I am here bringing light to my path and experiences with the hope to inspire others while giving them faith that any tragic event can be worked through and that life is a voyage of unknown certainties, but also a blessed gift all of in itself.

The entries I post now are so enlightening and prevalent with strength. I am proud and these truly were the moments I wanted this to be of, but my current experiences and emotions couldn’t have been captured with out going through all those initial days of roller coastered events. This has been a self-development expedition with many days of learning within.

As I travel back within the last few weeks I see paragraphs saturated with joy, growth, happiness, inspiration…where I am is powerful and honestly a dream come true. Moving forward I will still have the days of sadness or struggle, but not to the level I have. I will maintain my internal efforts as I have and keep my focus on the positive. My experiences, the exposure to my life not only has brought me the benefits of sifting through emotions and the ability to fully express my inside emotion, but it has brought validity to many emotions my various readers have had as well.

As I step into the next era of my life you will venture into the heart of my writings and begin to embrace this gift, a life lived to the fullest. You will experience the raw experience of parenthood as I share the growth and challenge of raising my children. Also you will ride the coat-tails of that great unknown mystery of love. Hand in hand you will gather the balance I seek everyday…

Here’s to Love, Life, and Motherhood

~Nina~

Packaged Dismay…Refocuses Space

August 23, 2010

Over the past four to five weeks I have slowly packed the belongings of my future ex-husband. This was not an easy avenue to venture. Placing items of someone I loved into a box presented struggle as I felt I was giving up that last and final hope. I was faced with the finalizing of my good-bye. I will say this until the day I die…this is not how I wanted our relationship to go. I still have hope for him, but it is now channeled into the faith I have that he can be healthy for himself and our children.

To simplify the process I only approached one room at a time. I started with the least painful with hopes to prepare myself for the most difficult. Over the course of sifting through one room I would then take time to fully embark my emotions and recover from the flood of pain that rushed within my heart. My theory to ease the hurt of the final room only posed 50% accuracy. I struggled as I have finally taken him out of that last room…our bedroom. Emotional I was, but I had support surrounding me on this day bringing ease to the wound in my heart.

Closing that last box symbolizes the heartache and pain being packaged up as it is being removed from my life. As I lifted the enclosed contents of past anguish and fear, I illuminated the strength I have incurred from this entire process. Securing all his belongings, I have respected him as a part of my life. He is the father of my children, a man I worked very hard fore…a man I have loved. I only remove him from my physical space. I have no intentions to attempt to erase him from my memories or heart. As I organize my living space and rearrange my life I will refocus my energy on what was positive and not put weight in the entire negative perspective.

Closing this sachet closes this chapter. My life is waiting to take me by the hand and lead me to the great unknown of my adventure. I can grow and blossom. My heart is that of a rose garden with the similar needs of tender care, abundant sunshine, and protection from the violent turbulence of the winds. With these elements in place the array of colors to bloom will be remarkable. My opportunities are endless!

Rearview mirror…The reflection of what was, not what will be

~Nina~

Weekend Adventure…Memories Treasured

August 22, 2010

The past two days have been amazing. I do struggle to construct the right words to articulate the time of simple moments of priceless value my children and I have experienced, but I will try my best. Sitting down I feel tuckered out, though every effort is more than worth the hearty giggles and memories of happiness for my children.

Activities of our weekend include the making of homemade pizzas, the stirring of homemade ice cream, the rides of a toddler jeep, the roasting of marshmallows, the game of chase mom, and the snuggle of deep love. We also enjoyed some company and shared time giving to others these moments of innocence.

As a parent my goals include raising my children with morals and values beyond the average. I strive to balance discipline to teach respect and surround them with great love to guide a deep sense of compassion within. I hope they have enjoyed their childhoods and treasure all these moments we have shared. I have no expectation of a payout or token of appreciation because my reward each day is the proof of my endearing energy as it reflects upon each of their tiny faces. Pure happiness shines as they smile regardless of the day’s events.

As the years pass and my children age they will never be faced with the reality of our previous home life or what I have gone through. I will shield them from having to imagine the experience and just remain their focus on their own futures as well. This behind-the-scene effort to rise above and the process of survival is for mine to endure only. Their delicate minds will not ever be clouded with the events of the past months or future comings. I refuse to let this steal their childhoods. Being mom, I will worry about the adult things and the process as they will do what kids should…eat, play, and grow.

Weekends like this are moments each one of us all need. I can wrap my arms around them and embrace every phase of development, but tonight I can bottle them up as wee-ones giggling while trying to role away from me or run as they try to catch me. Tonight I will remember them as my babies forever.

Bundles of joy…Lifetime of laughter

~Nina~

Let the Good Times Roll

August 20, 2010

It is Friday night and this gal does have some plans. A good friend of mine is having a birthday party for their spouse’s birthday. I have been friends with the couple for a few years now and time keeps passing by we never fully lose our connection. I cannot wait to catch up and take it from where we left off. It will be a great time.

Upon laying my children down, I smiled as tonight I will get some time as an adult. I devote my every energy and effort to my sweet blessings. Being a mother is my first priority and I whole-heartedly honor my responsibilities. I am proud to be a parent, they are my number one!

Being an adult with a plateful of healthy obligations brings challenge in itself, but the challenge of finding that balance of parenthood and adulthood is important. Being a single mother and with the surrounding circumstances presents even more of a juggle to the world of socialization, but I try my best.

I don’t go out much, but once in a blue moon. I can count on one hand how many times in the last 8 months I have not tucked my children as a result of my going out. I always take care of my children first, after all bedtime is a favorite of mine. I again tonight put my sweet darlings to bed and kissed them good night. As I enjoy the company of a few old friends I will be embraced by the innocence of life…my life!

Balance…all about balance

~Nina~

Day of Routine…Established Appreciation

August 19, 2010

I woke up this morning feeling very refreshed. My ability to sleep has been much better lately and the clear atmosphere of my mind is revitalizing. I was a little sluggish this morning with pulling the covers back as I just wanted to lay there and remain wrapped with the pure serenity of the moment, but did get myself up eventually. I have become accustomed to my morning routine of rising early, getting ready for work, packing a healthy lunch, waking my wee-ones, getting them dressed for daycare, and getting us all loaded up to venture into the day. It may sound like a lot, but in general our mornings are a smooth operation.

Work had been very busy for me today. My mind wandered here and there to ponder my revelations of the day, but was quickly faded as I dove into another task of priority. By lunchtime I did notice that I had this overall sense of stillness within. At first I thought this was my calm before the storm, but decided that this was my life. I smiled as I opened up the salad I had prepared for myself and mingled with my usual lunch partner. I am here, I am normal…I am just living my life.

I punched out and there it was, just part of my day complete. Before walking out, I turned to look at my office. Even my work space as transformed along this journey just as I have inside. I was proud at that very second of all my efforts towards my job with hopes of a future career. My knowledge gained and this yearn within of more will continue to drive me to success.

Walking to my vehicle it hit me; it is just an average day. I was off to gather my three little ones, make supper, bathes, playtime adventures, bedtimes, and household chores…my routine and solid agenda for each day. Today has been that normal day of simplicity and I love it. Climbing into my vehicle I chuckled, I have a common set of wheels with a ding in the bumper as someone had backed into me and the standard mess of three children in transport within. I buckled my seat belt and nodded. Being approved of others means nothing if you do not approve of yourself. At that moment I was more than approving, I was damn proud!

Financially, I don’t have lots of money, heck I hardly have enough money, but all my bills are paid and every one of my children’s needs are met. I work very hard each day and feel totally exhausted most days, but I have earned everything with devotion and determination. I understand who I am. I respect myself as well as others. I have three beautiful children whom all giggle of innocence and smile brighter than the summer sun. At the end of the day I tuck them in, kiss them goodnight, whisper my “I love you’s,” and turn the light off as we each drift to dreamland. To others I may not appear to have much, but I feel like I am the richest woman in all the land.

Life is about the simple pleasures, the moments of relaxed nature without a lavish price tag. The gift I have been given is precious and I appreciate it more with each sunrise. I didn’t find life, it found me!

Facile moments…Treasured forever

~Nina~

Give up or Reconnect

Early in my adventure of separating myself from my soon ex-husband I lost my belief in love and the sacred value of marriage. What I have come to learn is I do still believe in both of these and though I had to step away from this marriage due to safety concerns, I will always have faith as that is who I am. I came across this story and today I hope to help anyone who may have a troubled relationship. Love, the purest level of adoration is remarkable and the foundation to a relationship…embrace it!

Marriage

MARRIAGE When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her! With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now. The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again. In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage. This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully. My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office. On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her. On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore. She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart. That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband.... The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage! If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you. If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up. A CHRIST-CENTERED MARRIAGE IS A MARRIAGE THAT IS SURE TO LAST A LIFETIME. So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate. Matthew 19:

~Author Unknown~

This story sends a very powerful message. I remember my efforts for him and trying to reconnect, to give us a positive to build from. There was a day, the day of being married for six months; I had a song dedicated to him on the radio during his commute home from work. I made arrangements for a sitter as I planned a secret date for us. I picked him up after work and had the address to a nice restaurant punched in the Garmin which guided him as he drove in suspense. There was a poem I wrote for him placed in his menu and I envisioned a very passionate conclusion from the evening. I was so proud of what I brought to him, my devotion to him…but I was met with sarcasm and the repeated comments of my outfit “looking like an afghan.” I remember the waterfall of tears inside as I hoped to spark a new level of romance and appreciation for our relationship only to be faced with his inability to realize what I had truly done for him. He ended up yelling at me that night as I couldn’t perform to his physical desires. I cried after he left for work…I was crushed.

My belief in rekindling a spark and/or that continual fuel to a smolder of deep passion has a great support by me, it is a fundamental to every relationship. As I read this story I felt like that dying wife only wanting to be embraced by that husband of devotion. Maybe he has reached that point of self actualization, but the roses he may hold serve no purpose anymore. I am gone…his past.

Grab your loved one and don’t let go. Love them to the fullest and appreciate all that they do, because deep within they love you too!

Tenderness keeps…Love does thrive

~Nina~

...

Busy Mind…Migraine Dismay

I apologize but I will not be reflecting my day. The evening has been busy and I am trying to treat my migraine. I have been resting and with no result. I am going to head up to bed, turn all the lights off, and place a cold rag over my eyes. I pray I can drift to sleep. God Bless and I hope you all get the rest you need. Stay tuned for tomorrow.

Evening do Rest…Pray for Peace

~Nina~

Mnemonic Flash…Embraced Appreciation

A day of reflection is necessary every now and then. My drive home today was beautiful, peaceful. The road way was leading back to my life and not having that apprehension or fear of my own life has marked an important milestone for myself. I am at a point I didn’t know could exist. My focus is clear and my devotion is centered on my children. At the beginning of this all I would wake from a restless night and wait for the next moment of despair to fall onto my plate. Now I rise well rested and energized with excitement for the adventures of my day. My independence, my freedom…I now can breathe without difficulty.

I have intertwined emotions with words as I describe the summary of my last seven months with a simple poem. Each day gets easier to express the experience for what it was and not what it is. I can present the woman I am and not the woman he stole. My journey covers the pages with past tense and my future holds pleasantry as I step into a new light. Liberty, my wings of emancipation carry me as I soar to a higher level of success.

Path of Recovery…Mine to Survival

The days had been so dark and solemn
Fear of his dominance for me to embark
Slowly and of assurance I tried deep within
Ignite that internal glow to a festered spark

Weeks ventured to months while those to more
I pondered the time lost, my seconds all gone
The demon of power and my urge to crumble
Dissolved into harmony, a determined song

Now a peace, sense of endearment deep inside
Each sunrise independent with pride to embrace
The woman surfaced a persona I had always been
Thrust that heartache fiercely goodbye with mace

Reflection of beauty held within that mirror of me
Belief I wasn’t sure, but found I always had indeed
The journey of pieces trickled and left for me to see
Now complete this puzzle that has forever set me free

~Nina~

Getting here has not been easy by any means. I had my days of hopeless defeat and surrender, but each were necessary to experience as now I have a true appreciation for the happiness and value of my accomplishments. The sky is my limit. Opportunities for my personal growth continue to flourish and the woman I have become marks extreme significance. I am ready…ready for anything.

Encouragement sought…Triumph seized

~Nina~

Hawaiian Ice…Summer Fun

August 14, 2010

Memories are the foundation of every child’s life. The adventures, the laughter…it all brings them to the world of adulthood and sends them off on a voyage of independence. As I child I climbed trees, splashed in puddles, and so much more. Some of my very favorite memories include the days at the county fair. I was in 4-H for many years and participated in the beef shows as well as the auction amongst the other various projects I would take such as photography, baking, and sewing. The atmosphere fostered creativity and marked the summer sun I lived for. Those were the days…

As a parent you look forward to giving your children similar memories and a foundation of imagination. Today I took my children to that very same fair that I was a part of for so many years. The sun was high and the heat was bold, but we were smiling as the summer air kissed our foreheads. As we walked through the barns the boys giggled hysterically at the chickens. Those smiles of pure innocence and joy are footprints within my motherhood heart. My daughter was determined to see the pigs, but enjoyed learning about all of the animals she saw. Her mind was processing the answers to her questions and the visible conclusion of her smirk was that she benefited from her new found knowledge.

Lunch came quick and the treat of fair food was indulged. The meal of hotdogs and cheese burgers touched each of our internal gluttony for a good time. The taste of a funnel cake brought the sweetness to the tongue of adventure. Though surrounded with the duties of feeding, cleaning, and more…my efforts were a whirlwind embracing me as my children expressed great pleasure throughout the day. My personal favorite, the Hawaiian Ice stand, brought me back to my childhood. Ordering my usual I got to share my childhood memory as I generated one with my children.

The day was functionally a success. As I trailed through the sea of people with my children and my Mom I had this overwhelming flood of peace. I try to remember what it was to be the little girl draggling my feet along side my own Mother and concluded that she embraced the same value and appreciation for life at that moment as well. Sharing my moments as a parent with my own, it does surface a greater admiration for her efforts as I can relate on a whole new level. I thank my Mom for the time and energy spent plus more. I thank God for a day without rain as I had the opportunity to take my children out. I thank my children as each reaction trails a deep sense of love while I witness them loving the life they live. Monumental movements, maybe not…but the day was perfect.

Sun kissed…Memories warm

~Nina~

Rearview Mirror…Fading Sorrow

August 13, 2010

Packing the vehicle is always a chore, but the destinations always bring warm smiles to my children making it worth all the effort. This weekend I am taking the kids to an event that I went to for many years of my own childhood…the county fair. Though my heart races for an anticipated fear, I will set things aside and do right for my children. When I dropped off my sweethearts at daycare, I told Chloe that I was going to be taking her somewhere special after I picked them up. Her eyes sparkled with eagerness while her mind raced with curiosity.

As I drove out of town the sun was bright. Setting the cruise I looked in my rearview mirror and there it was, heartache and it didn’t make this trip. The pain faded while my desire to seek my future pressed. Each of my beauties drifted to sleep and I there I was left to venture the depths of my heart, seeking validations to my internal emotions.

The trip home travels that path of certainty. I know just where the pavement is going to take me. As I ponder, my journey began to take autopilot with haze as I looked deeper into a lane that is clearly uncertain to me. Love is more than an emotion; it is a captivating part of life. My dreams are filled with the fantasy of that pure, sensual sentiment and my conscious mind muses the reality of this fancy. At that moment of consideration a song filled the vehicle. The harmony was so beautiful and the lyrics are my hope. The romance of a chunk of the melody “Breathe” by Faith Hill speaks of that distant vision…

I can feel the magic floating in the air
Being with you gets me that way
I watch the sunlight dance across your face
And I've never been this swept away
All my thoughts just seem to settle on the breeze
When I'm lying wrapped up in your arms
The whole world just fades away
The only thing I hear
Is the beating of your heart

…Someday the man of mystery will step from the shadows

No longer am I afraid. I have been through torment, but I am still who I was to begin with…I just needed to find myself again. Standing, I brush the dust of heartache and deep sorrow from my knees. I am feeling stronger with every sunrise.

Placing my blinker on for the last turn, I shifted my focus to the embracing safety of my family. Pulling in the driveway brought me to the comfort of home. As I walked hand in hand with my children to the front door I was warmed with pride. The sparkle in my Mom’s eyes as the four of us trickled in illuminated more than a clear cut diamond. It was great to be home.

Comfort Inn…Grandma’s House

~Nina~