This week I have had the opportunity to lace my tennis shoes each morning and walk along the water. So many revelations surfaced as the water splashed along the shore. Serenity hovered just above the waves and motivation lingered with each stride taken. I had lost myself down there and I was left to filter through the raging emotions begging for interpretation.
Along side the emotional aspect of my experience on the pier, the inspiration for physical activity walked hand in hand. I had suffered a couple of weeks of some depression and a side effect of that was a lack of motivation to follow my exercise regimen. The empowerment and satisfaction of movement in one’s day will bring those natural endorphins which will combat that little demon of darkness.
The above thought process left me taking it one step further. How often do we as humans rattle off the list of problems or issues we have that require attention for change? I know I have been guilty. This list can vary in length and severity of concern from person to person, but the ability to overcome is the same. Finding the root or most significant contribution of one’s problems and focusing on reversing the effects of negativity can begin the climb of reassurance and self-belief. Then the remaining attributes to the list will fall like dominos as the endurance for handling each situation becomes easier with the growing sense of confidence.
As I walked along the pier I ventured out on this path that once connected the states. I turned when I made it back to the shore and peered down the pavement. The distance marked that short, but lengthy jaunt of the past few months. So many accomplishments circulate with the various difficulties. I have overcome so much and as the future holds many more opportunities of growth it also carries the tranquility of that very moment I stepped forward leaving some of my apprehensions behind this morning. The drift of the water, of my soul will send the heartache down river and the current upstream will float a new level of hope and endearment into my heart.
I have a quote today to share with each of you…
“It’s not like somebody else can run a marathon for you. It’s all you out there. Finishing means you can say, ‘There’s not a lot I can’t do.’” ~Kenneth Feld~
This marathon is for my endurance to embark only. No one else can live this for me, take appropriate actions, or make the correct decisions for me. I have had to pace myself and keep the finish line at the forefront. When mile 12 pressures for surrender I will pull back my shoulders and cross 13.1while breaking the tape that marks the end of this darkness of this relationship. Though this emotional marathon brought road blocks, it also supplied pit stops of recovery and reassurance. Soon I will be setting this all behind me with the finalization. I can then undergo the pavement of my eternal marathon…my life.
Walking ambitions…Running goals
~Nina~
July 29, 2010
July 28, 2010
Softness Found…Melody Within
So much has filled my thoughts today. Mulling out the emotions and the various obligations of processing was a task of length. I wanted nothing more than to set it all aside and refocus at a different time or different day, but as always it is a matter with time being of the essence. I will be grateful when this entire process is behind me and the demanding structure of time lines stops swarming my sense of being. Eventually my days will totally belong to me.
Music is a huge part of my daily routine. The different genres I listen to depend on my particular mood or emotion at that very moment. The beauty of having this entire world and vast harmonies to assist with my coping has been a keen tool used daily. I find peace from the acoustic tunes, assurance with inspirational songs, and an avenue to expression through heavier beats. Many of my feelings or realizations will come with validation of a set of lyrics. Some days I search for something new as I cannot quite put my finger on just what my heart is trying to express. Today was one of those days and I just drifted through ocean of the musical world. I stumbled across a song that hit the nail right on the head as far as what my internal emotions were trying to get me to understand.
God of this City
By: Chris Tomlin
[Verse 1]
You're the God of this City
You're the King of these people
You're the Lord of this nation
You are
[Verse 2]
You're the Light in this darkness
You're the Hope to the hopeless
You're the Peace to the restless
You are
There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God
[Chorus]
For greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City
Greater thing have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City
[Verse 1]
You're the God of this City
You're the King of these people
You're the Lord of this nation
You are
[Verse 2]
You're the Light in this darkness
You're the Hope to the hopeless
You're the Peace to the restless
You are
There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God
[Chorus]
For greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done here
There is no one like our god
There is no one like our God
[Chorus]
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done here
The melody is smooth and the beat spoke of my growing courage. It spoke to me as my life being the City and I am the influencing power. As the verses describe the light, the hope, and the peace it was clear that I can break free of the darkness, hopelessness, and restlessness upon my own determination. Devotion to myself brought the capability of this enduring independence. As I connected with this song I fully embraced the chorus: For greater things have yet to come. And greater things are still to be done in this City. This song holds deep significance to my internal flame at this time. The future holds endless opportunities for my life and the best is yet to come.
My life the City…Internal love my God
~Nina~
Music is a huge part of my daily routine. The different genres I listen to depend on my particular mood or emotion at that very moment. The beauty of having this entire world and vast harmonies to assist with my coping has been a keen tool used daily. I find peace from the acoustic tunes, assurance with inspirational songs, and an avenue to expression through heavier beats. Many of my feelings or realizations will come with validation of a set of lyrics. Some days I search for something new as I cannot quite put my finger on just what my heart is trying to express. Today was one of those days and I just drifted through ocean of the musical world. I stumbled across a song that hit the nail right on the head as far as what my internal emotions were trying to get me to understand.
God of this City
By: Chris Tomlin
[Verse 1]
You're the God of this City
You're the King of these people
You're the Lord of this nation
You are
[Verse 2]
You're the Light in this darkness
You're the Hope to the hopeless
You're the Peace to the restless
You are
There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God
[Chorus]
For greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City
Greater thing have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City
[Verse 1]
You're the God of this City
You're the King of these people
You're the Lord of this nation
You are
[Verse 2]
You're the Light in this darkness
You're the Hope to the hopeless
You're the Peace to the restless
You are
There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God
[Chorus]
For greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done here
There is no one like our god
There is no one like our God
[Chorus]
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done here
The melody is smooth and the beat spoke of my growing courage. It spoke to me as my life being the City and I am the influencing power. As the verses describe the light, the hope, and the peace it was clear that I can break free of the darkness, hopelessness, and restlessness upon my own determination. Devotion to myself brought the capability of this enduring independence. As I connected with this song I fully embraced the chorus: For greater things have yet to come. And greater things are still to be done in this City. This song holds deep significance to my internal flame at this time. The future holds endless opportunities for my life and the best is yet to come.
My life the City…Internal love my God
~Nina~
Support Given…Love Embraced
July 27, 2010
This entire experience has brought me to a new level of awareness and a vault of knowledge. Emotions, relationships, and the overall aspect of communication has become a field of study for me with a load of experiences to provide credence to my position. My goal is to give back by helping other women or individuals with similar emotions and provide them with the courage as well as assuring their capabilities to make appropriate decisions for themselves while having them learn within their own empowerments.
There was an expression of help for me to meet with someone whom has some circumstances leaving the person feeling defeated. Without hesitation I stepped up with broad shoulders. This was a time that I could fill a pair of shoes that once had stood by my side with support. Wondering my approach to information or route to engaging openness I remembered just how I had felt during this time of vulnerability. The sympathy and understanding is pure as I have carried many of these very same emotions.
The stream of emotion flowed from this person’s eyes. The exhalation of pain filled the room. Various circumstances were shared and the instant assessment to how I could assist raced through my mind. I offered my insight and what I would do if I was living this situation. The initial step is to gather all of the information and understand it for what it truly means. The truth maybe a difficult thing to swallow, but being honest within will give some clarity to take appropriate actions for what is necessary for oneself. I have dedicated efforts to help this individual with the entire process or any part along the way. Everyone deserves to be loved for who they are and with matched efforts.
Tonight I learned something about myself…something very important. I have more vitality than I give myself credit for. I was able to compose myself and reflect strength for someone in a time of need with similar experiences I have lived. In the beginning of my journey, everyday I tried to survive with taking things minute by minute and doubted the words of encouragement shared with me at that time…the future vision of my current position was a fantasy, but has now become a reality. Now I can strive towards achieving goals I set as my personal outcome from my adventure in this world of darkness. I will utilize the lessons learned, the miles endured, and my compassion to help others to bring higher awareness to the effects of all levels of abuse. I can bring empowerment to many who need it and instill the seed of belief a victim cannot survive without. I will become a positive attribute to the team of Awareness Against Domestic Abuse.
Hope, enlightenment I pray was shone into the corner of dimness tonight. Security and independence is a virtue this individual has deep within. The search can and will be difficult, but the surrounding support is strong.
Love will guide…Devotion will answer
~Nina~
This entire experience has brought me to a new level of awareness and a vault of knowledge. Emotions, relationships, and the overall aspect of communication has become a field of study for me with a load of experiences to provide credence to my position. My goal is to give back by helping other women or individuals with similar emotions and provide them with the courage as well as assuring their capabilities to make appropriate decisions for themselves while having them learn within their own empowerments.
There was an expression of help for me to meet with someone whom has some circumstances leaving the person feeling defeated. Without hesitation I stepped up with broad shoulders. This was a time that I could fill a pair of shoes that once had stood by my side with support. Wondering my approach to information or route to engaging openness I remembered just how I had felt during this time of vulnerability. The sympathy and understanding is pure as I have carried many of these very same emotions.
The stream of emotion flowed from this person’s eyes. The exhalation of pain filled the room. Various circumstances were shared and the instant assessment to how I could assist raced through my mind. I offered my insight and what I would do if I was living this situation. The initial step is to gather all of the information and understand it for what it truly means. The truth maybe a difficult thing to swallow, but being honest within will give some clarity to take appropriate actions for what is necessary for oneself. I have dedicated efforts to help this individual with the entire process or any part along the way. Everyone deserves to be loved for who they are and with matched efforts.
Tonight I learned something about myself…something very important. I have more vitality than I give myself credit for. I was able to compose myself and reflect strength for someone in a time of need with similar experiences I have lived. In the beginning of my journey, everyday I tried to survive with taking things minute by minute and doubted the words of encouragement shared with me at that time…the future vision of my current position was a fantasy, but has now become a reality. Now I can strive towards achieving goals I set as my personal outcome from my adventure in this world of darkness. I will utilize the lessons learned, the miles endured, and my compassion to help others to bring higher awareness to the effects of all levels of abuse. I can bring empowerment to many who need it and instill the seed of belief a victim cannot survive without. I will become a positive attribute to the team of Awareness Against Domestic Abuse.
Hope, enlightenment I pray was shone into the corner of dimness tonight. Security and independence is a virtue this individual has deep within. The search can and will be difficult, but the surrounding support is strong.
Love will guide…Devotion will answer
~Nina~
July 26, 2010
Positive Energy…Rainbow Bright
The common phrase, “There is always a rainbow at the end of a storm.” How true…how true! Days like today are very enlightening. I have been struggling with heartache and a tremendous amount of pain, but each day I just kept turning inward, searching for a strength that could bring me a day like today. My spirits were high and my smile contagious.
One of the first things I noticed the past two days was my ability to wake up to the morning without the desire to tell the world to “Piss off!” I opened my eyes at my normal time and felt my organization as well as my drive fueling my efforts. The sunrise was beautiful as the rays of purity filled my heart with courage today. This subtlety in my morning routine was the first sign that my battle to win myself back has prevailed.
When I sat down at my desk I looked to my right and there they were…my precious trio. They are my reason to breath, my potency to press on, and my vitality to survive. My decisions are made with the outlook to their well-being. Three pairs of beady eyes gazed back at me all day. My heart swarmed with the deep emotion of love…my love to each one of them.
I have this frame that holds a picture of the three of them together, but then also a individual picture of each. I finished my ensemble off with a little poem of devotion I wrote to them…
Motherhood blessed, strength we bonded
God’s gift from above, my darling three
Pride and pure, great adventure for sure
Each hug, every kiss does set me free
Growing to fast, treasured moments cast
Guidance they gain, upon wings of the dove
I pledge my children, your future of brighten
For all days, all years embrace Mom’s love
To: Chloe, Kaden, & Connor
~Love, Momma~
At this very moment I feel proud…I am proud of the obstacles I have been challenged with and the outcomes I have been rewarded with. I have learned that deep within I carry a hidden clarity for what life really is and what life really should be lived for. My heart smolders a power I didn’t know existed, that I didn’t believe I could have. My level of composure and focus has brought a safe environment for my children to nurture in as their imaginations take them to the depths of each of their tiny fantasies.
I do have hesitation and anxiety rises as my divorce approaches, but I didn’t let it take today…my day. Tomorrow I can face what I must, but at this very moment I will close my eyes and relish in the mountains I have summated. As I draw in a deep breath I can feel a confidence flow through my veins. My heart beats triumph and my soul cascades harmony. Balance…I am balanced.
Lost--what not cannot be found…precious life
~Nina~
One of the first things I noticed the past two days was my ability to wake up to the morning without the desire to tell the world to “Piss off!” I opened my eyes at my normal time and felt my organization as well as my drive fueling my efforts. The sunrise was beautiful as the rays of purity filled my heart with courage today. This subtlety in my morning routine was the first sign that my battle to win myself back has prevailed.
When I sat down at my desk I looked to my right and there they were…my precious trio. They are my reason to breath, my potency to press on, and my vitality to survive. My decisions are made with the outlook to their well-being. Three pairs of beady eyes gazed back at me all day. My heart swarmed with the deep emotion of love…my love to each one of them.
I have this frame that holds a picture of the three of them together, but then also a individual picture of each. I finished my ensemble off with a little poem of devotion I wrote to them…
Motherhood blessed, strength we bonded
God’s gift from above, my darling three
Pride and pure, great adventure for sure
Each hug, every kiss does set me free
Growing to fast, treasured moments cast
Guidance they gain, upon wings of the dove
I pledge my children, your future of brighten
For all days, all years embrace Mom’s love
To: Chloe, Kaden, & Connor
~Love, Momma~
At this very moment I feel proud…I am proud of the obstacles I have been challenged with and the outcomes I have been rewarded with. I have learned that deep within I carry a hidden clarity for what life really is and what life really should be lived for. My heart smolders a power I didn’t know existed, that I didn’t believe I could have. My level of composure and focus has brought a safe environment for my children to nurture in as their imaginations take them to the depths of each of their tiny fantasies.
I do have hesitation and anxiety rises as my divorce approaches, but I didn’t let it take today…my day. Tomorrow I can face what I must, but at this very moment I will close my eyes and relish in the mountains I have summated. As I draw in a deep breath I can feel a confidence flow through my veins. My heart beats triumph and my soul cascades harmony. Balance…I am balanced.
Lost--what not cannot be found…precious life
~Nina~
Conversation of the Unexpected
July 25, 2010
My day has been packed with an extensive list of tasks to be accomplished, but my efforts wanted to be of a relaxed nature. I did take time just to be with my children. I will not get this time forever and it is important to embrace these moments as it won’t be long before they are just memories.
As yesterday I promised myself that I would be making some permanent changes, some positive changes I spent time preparing for my week nutritionally. I have certain guidelines to follow medically and to be honest I haven’t focused on them lately. I have struggled to eat anything some days and the others I struggled to eat the correct things. My body must be taken care of, I have many reasons to live and I have to fuel for the strength necessary for my daily duties. Above all else it is of value to teach my children about nutrition and instill knowledge of a healthy lifestyle.
Another accomplishment of the weekend was facing my garage. As I pulled out the layers of garbage and vacated the flood damage I felt this lift from my shoulders. I had inspirations for my new found space and the tidiness was of pride as I continue to peel the layers of dismay from my life. Organization and care for my property is always something I strived for, but my efforts slashed with dominance and darkness. Now I can open up to my new found independence while embracing it as I piece things together one by one.
This evening though marked one of the most unexpected events of my day. I received a phone call with the intentions of wishing me a belated birthday and ended up with much more. This person has always been an important part of my life, but an underlying drift between us kept from a relationship I longed for. I opened myself up and exposed some of my pain while trying to give an understanding to my experiences. I struggled at first to even say anything, but the emotional breakdown caused my reserves to crumble. I cried as my heart bled to this person of my hurt, my struggles.
Trusting people has become very difficult for me, but I did go out on a limb tonight as I exposed a vulnerable part of myself. I pray that the respect to my privacy is kept as my only coping method to broken trust is to let go of the individuals that have betrayed me or stood by as I fell to pieces. Will this take us towards a step to a new relationship? I can only pray it will flourish from this day forward.
As I have taken time to reflect my internal emotion I can say that at this very moment I am left with this verse I wrote earlier today:
The insecurities inside can keep you on the sidelines wondering what life could be like or they can initiate new efforts of adventure to reach out for that vision of what life could be like. Pushing outside of one’s comfort zone will raise anxiety within, but overcoming that nervousness will empower that very same soul
New efforts…New outcomes
~Nina~
My day has been packed with an extensive list of tasks to be accomplished, but my efforts wanted to be of a relaxed nature. I did take time just to be with my children. I will not get this time forever and it is important to embrace these moments as it won’t be long before they are just memories.
As yesterday I promised myself that I would be making some permanent changes, some positive changes I spent time preparing for my week nutritionally. I have certain guidelines to follow medically and to be honest I haven’t focused on them lately. I have struggled to eat anything some days and the others I struggled to eat the correct things. My body must be taken care of, I have many reasons to live and I have to fuel for the strength necessary for my daily duties. Above all else it is of value to teach my children about nutrition and instill knowledge of a healthy lifestyle.
Another accomplishment of the weekend was facing my garage. As I pulled out the layers of garbage and vacated the flood damage I felt this lift from my shoulders. I had inspirations for my new found space and the tidiness was of pride as I continue to peel the layers of dismay from my life. Organization and care for my property is always something I strived for, but my efforts slashed with dominance and darkness. Now I can open up to my new found independence while embracing it as I piece things together one by one.
This evening though marked one of the most unexpected events of my day. I received a phone call with the intentions of wishing me a belated birthday and ended up with much more. This person has always been an important part of my life, but an underlying drift between us kept from a relationship I longed for. I opened myself up and exposed some of my pain while trying to give an understanding to my experiences. I struggled at first to even say anything, but the emotional breakdown caused my reserves to crumble. I cried as my heart bled to this person of my hurt, my struggles.
Trusting people has become very difficult for me, but I did go out on a limb tonight as I exposed a vulnerable part of myself. I pray that the respect to my privacy is kept as my only coping method to broken trust is to let go of the individuals that have betrayed me or stood by as I fell to pieces. Will this take us towards a step to a new relationship? I can only pray it will flourish from this day forward.
As I have taken time to reflect my internal emotion I can say that at this very moment I am left with this verse I wrote earlier today:
The insecurities inside can keep you on the sidelines wondering what life could be like or they can initiate new efforts of adventure to reach out for that vision of what life could be like. Pushing outside of one’s comfort zone will raise anxiety within, but overcoming that nervousness will empower that very same soul
New efforts…New outcomes
~Nina~
July 24, 2010
Anniversary of Life…Date of Celebration
Today was a day I was going to initially take off the calendar and not acknowledge the day for what it was. Celebrating was just not something I felt was appropriate and the desire to hide from the world was very strong. Then I woke up and there were was this little hand caressing my cheek. “Good morning Momma,” she said as her smile was bright and well rested. “Happy Birthday Momma,” she proudly stated and at that moment I decided that I would embrace the day…my day.
As I descended to the main level of the house I found myself heading right over to the windows. It has become a new ritual, but this morning as I opened my blinds the light that filled my home was of a different nature. It was a new strength, warmth as I step into a new year in my life. I can move forward and build my life in a positive direction.
The most precious moment of my day was at naptime. I put the boys down and they smiled as I covered them up. Then I went in by my little girl and she asked if I would snuggle with her and I couldn’t resist. As I lay down next to her, she reached for my hand and placed her little fingers on the inside of mine. I wrapped my hand around hers and her eyes lit up. “I love you,” I said softly as I kissed her forehead. Her eyes closed as she drifted to sleep and a tear fell from my eye as I couldn’t ask for anything more at that very moment. My children are the gift of life, a life I delivered into this world with deep appreciation and selflessness. Today my gift is the opportunity to devote my love to them and give them the life they deserve.
The week leading up to this day I wondered…how does one celebrate this day alone? I did make arrangements for a sitter to be with the kids in the evening and everyday I fought the urge just to cancel, but didn’t. As I showered and got ready my mind raced. “What are you doing?” I questioned myself out loud. My chin was held high as I walked down the sidewalk; the soft breeze surrounded me while exposing myself to the world. I opened the door of opportunity for personal growth and I bowed my head with gratitude as I took some time for me tonight.
Looking back I realized I wanted to avoid my birthday as the past year has been filled with heartache, struggle, and the pieces that trailed left this void within. I didn’t want to celebrate this hardship…I just wanted to implode and give into the pain that swallowed me. What I have realized is that it wasn’t a day for me to look back at the last year and hang my head with defeat; it was a day to rejoice for my upcoming year. I did have a cake and as I blew out the candles I prayed with one wish in which I will embrace great hope for. My life will be of changes and positive energy starting with today.
This day was the anniversary of my coming into this world. I have a destiny and I am here to find it. Twenty five years ago I was given the blessed gift of life. Each day I intend to pay it forward with devotion, compassion, and hard work. My entire essence has been empowered as my inspirations resurfaced today. I found my focus today and what better day than my birthday.
Day of Life…Blessed Gift
~Nina~
As I descended to the main level of the house I found myself heading right over to the windows. It has become a new ritual, but this morning as I opened my blinds the light that filled my home was of a different nature. It was a new strength, warmth as I step into a new year in my life. I can move forward and build my life in a positive direction.
The most precious moment of my day was at naptime. I put the boys down and they smiled as I covered them up. Then I went in by my little girl and she asked if I would snuggle with her and I couldn’t resist. As I lay down next to her, she reached for my hand and placed her little fingers on the inside of mine. I wrapped my hand around hers and her eyes lit up. “I love you,” I said softly as I kissed her forehead. Her eyes closed as she drifted to sleep and a tear fell from my eye as I couldn’t ask for anything more at that very moment. My children are the gift of life, a life I delivered into this world with deep appreciation and selflessness. Today my gift is the opportunity to devote my love to them and give them the life they deserve.
The week leading up to this day I wondered…how does one celebrate this day alone? I did make arrangements for a sitter to be with the kids in the evening and everyday I fought the urge just to cancel, but didn’t. As I showered and got ready my mind raced. “What are you doing?” I questioned myself out loud. My chin was held high as I walked down the sidewalk; the soft breeze surrounded me while exposing myself to the world. I opened the door of opportunity for personal growth and I bowed my head with gratitude as I took some time for me tonight.
Looking back I realized I wanted to avoid my birthday as the past year has been filled with heartache, struggle, and the pieces that trailed left this void within. I didn’t want to celebrate this hardship…I just wanted to implode and give into the pain that swallowed me. What I have realized is that it wasn’t a day for me to look back at the last year and hang my head with defeat; it was a day to rejoice for my upcoming year. I did have a cake and as I blew out the candles I prayed with one wish in which I will embrace great hope for. My life will be of changes and positive energy starting with today.
This day was the anniversary of my coming into this world. I have a destiny and I am here to find it. Twenty five years ago I was given the blessed gift of life. Each day I intend to pay it forward with devotion, compassion, and hard work. My entire essence has been empowered as my inspirations resurfaced today. I found my focus today and what better day than my birthday.
Day of Life…Blessed Gift
~Nina~
July 23, 2010
Toddler Tears…Momma’s Heartache
Each sunrise welcomes us into a new day. Eventually every morning will swarm us with nothing more than positive energy and happiness. Right now as we are in the midst of this emotional whirlwind the peaceful days are a lottery winning and the sad days are frequent, proposing the usual. Though my eyes open and the first thing that I recite to myself and to my children is, “Today is going to be a good day,” which marks my continued efforts of uplifting spirits…at times I am faced with days like today.
I put the vehicle in park and unloaded Connor. I walked inside and as his teacher said good morning his eyes lit up with excitement for his day. I went back to get Kaden and Chloe, but was met with the reoccurring challenge I suffer with just about daily. As I unbuckled my daughter’s car seat she burst into tears. “What is the matter honey?” She lowered her head and looked away. My hand guided her little chin up to connect our eyes, “What is making you sad?” The sobs surrendered my strength as she choked on the words, “I want my Daddy.” Instantly my heart broke.
After carrying in Kaden I came back for Chloe. I picked her up and threw my arms around her. What do I tell her? How do I help her through this? I wasn’t able to keep my tears from falling as I told her how much Momma loves her. She placed her head on my shoulder, “We are going to be ok. I promise you honey, we will get through this,” my words of devotion not only at this time of heartache for my daughter, but to every one of my children on a daily basis. As I sat on the bench at daycare I held my baby girl and as my lip quivered I maintained just enough strength not to sob, but not enough to keep the moisture from a continual trail down my face. One of the staff assisted me in refocusing her and diverting her attention to being a helper with the breakfast table. Then as Chloe took off with a smile spread across her face and proudly stating her delight in being the helper an arm reached to me, “Are you ok?” As I turned to her I felt the rise in a complete breakdown and just expressed the difficulty I have been having with Chloe's desire to put the pieces together. As I stood up and gazed at my daughter, then I turned to face my day…I completely broke down as I slide behind the steering wheel. The cascade of pain poured from my heart and soaked my face.
All day I was withdrawn from people. I kept to myself in my office and battled the urge to just curl up into a ball. Several times I looked over to the arrangement of pictures I have of my beautiful babies and without warning a silent tear trickled down my cheek. Time after time I wiped the discouragement and deep heartache from my face.
My work day was complete early and I took two hours to myself before picking up my kids. I needed to search for clarity…to rebuild the strength I lost earlier this morning. I was lead by my heart to a spot I go to often. As I got out of the car I walked along the path. The warm breeze kissed my face as I embraced my surroundings. The greenery and stone path released the sense of assurance for me. I took my place on the rock and gazed at the water. The reflection staring back at me searched my eyes for answers. Lost, I felt so lost at that very moment.
As I am faced with my own cycle of adjustment to my various roles and responsibilities on top of the emotional storm brewed, my children too feel the effects of this entire experience on their own levels. The most prevalent struggle is Chloe’s desire of understanding and info gathering while she searches for answers. Her heart aches and that tears mine into pieces. I will do what I can in my power to ease her through all of her emotions and bring her to an understanding appropriate for her age. My goal is to not have this rob any of my children’s childhoods…to avoid them resuming responsibility or finding fault in themselves to accept blame for this. I understand just how it can happen as I was that little girl that felt as a blunder resulting in my parent’s divorce.
Juggling all of this does weigh on me forcing sadness into my internal efforts, but I continue to maintain my attempt at searching for the positive to all of this. I will press on with my exertion for structured and instilled happiness for my household. Everyday I will hug my children as they wake up and wrap them with love as they lay down to sleep. I can take this day for what it is and look forward to a better tomorrow.
Family pain…United love
~Nina~
I put the vehicle in park and unloaded Connor. I walked inside and as his teacher said good morning his eyes lit up with excitement for his day. I went back to get Kaden and Chloe, but was met with the reoccurring challenge I suffer with just about daily. As I unbuckled my daughter’s car seat she burst into tears. “What is the matter honey?” She lowered her head and looked away. My hand guided her little chin up to connect our eyes, “What is making you sad?” The sobs surrendered my strength as she choked on the words, “I want my Daddy.” Instantly my heart broke.
After carrying in Kaden I came back for Chloe. I picked her up and threw my arms around her. What do I tell her? How do I help her through this? I wasn’t able to keep my tears from falling as I told her how much Momma loves her. She placed her head on my shoulder, “We are going to be ok. I promise you honey, we will get through this,” my words of devotion not only at this time of heartache for my daughter, but to every one of my children on a daily basis. As I sat on the bench at daycare I held my baby girl and as my lip quivered I maintained just enough strength not to sob, but not enough to keep the moisture from a continual trail down my face. One of the staff assisted me in refocusing her and diverting her attention to being a helper with the breakfast table. Then as Chloe took off with a smile spread across her face and proudly stating her delight in being the helper an arm reached to me, “Are you ok?” As I turned to her I felt the rise in a complete breakdown and just expressed the difficulty I have been having with Chloe's desire to put the pieces together. As I stood up and gazed at my daughter, then I turned to face my day…I completely broke down as I slide behind the steering wheel. The cascade of pain poured from my heart and soaked my face.
All day I was withdrawn from people. I kept to myself in my office and battled the urge to just curl up into a ball. Several times I looked over to the arrangement of pictures I have of my beautiful babies and without warning a silent tear trickled down my cheek. Time after time I wiped the discouragement and deep heartache from my face.
My work day was complete early and I took two hours to myself before picking up my kids. I needed to search for clarity…to rebuild the strength I lost earlier this morning. I was lead by my heart to a spot I go to often. As I got out of the car I walked along the path. The warm breeze kissed my face as I embraced my surroundings. The greenery and stone path released the sense of assurance for me. I took my place on the rock and gazed at the water. The reflection staring back at me searched my eyes for answers. Lost, I felt so lost at that very moment.
As I am faced with my own cycle of adjustment to my various roles and responsibilities on top of the emotional storm brewed, my children too feel the effects of this entire experience on their own levels. The most prevalent struggle is Chloe’s desire of understanding and info gathering while she searches for answers. Her heart aches and that tears mine into pieces. I will do what I can in my power to ease her through all of her emotions and bring her to an understanding appropriate for her age. My goal is to not have this rob any of my children’s childhoods…to avoid them resuming responsibility or finding fault in themselves to accept blame for this. I understand just how it can happen as I was that little girl that felt as a blunder resulting in my parent’s divorce.
Juggling all of this does weigh on me forcing sadness into my internal efforts, but I continue to maintain my attempt at searching for the positive to all of this. I will press on with my exertion for structured and instilled happiness for my household. Everyday I will hug my children as they wake up and wrap them with love as they lay down to sleep. I can take this day for what it is and look forward to a better tomorrow.
Family pain…United love
~Nina~
July 22, 2010
New Horizon…Phase Forward
I have stared at this blank page for an hour. Writing is my coping mechanism…my ability to capture each emotion experienced and interpret the value of knowledge gained. Why have I struggled the past week? What am I having difficulty with? Today I think I have realized what I am avoiding.
As I descended down the stairs my left hand guided me as it slide down the railing. I looked at it and I stopped in my tracks. Empty, my left hand is empty. I had taken my wedding ring off quite a while ago and replaced the space of that particular finger with another ring that has deep meaning to me. I couldn’t handle the absence right away, the feeling of loss. A few weeks ago I took the step to move my other ring to my right hand.
At first there was a heavy sense of sadness when I first looked at my hand. The entire meaning and pride I had with my status as a wife brought difficulty as it wasn’t easy to accept as the vacancy sends a whole new message to the world. I still fidget with my ring finger and a pain stings as I fight the urge to fill that spot for comfort.
Six months, it has been a half a year since I separated myself from my husband. My divorce is around the corner and my heart races with panic. How did I get here? How did all of this happen? I continue to wonder just how my life ventured this path. Love, the emotion of deep passion and belief…I loved him whole-heartedly. Moving forward wasn’t something I thought I was ever going to want to do or be able to do.
This very moment as I visualize my future and I see a person of devotion standing next to me. I cannot see his face, but I know that my heart has opened up to the idea of sharing that emotion of purity one last time. This week I have found myself struggling with my vision of sharing my life with another. I want to be happy and experience that deep level of connection, but I have a high level of apprehension as I am not sure just how this will work. How do you get to know someone and trust the image they present? Will I over scrutinize or shut out the feelings of vulnerability as a result of fear for my heart? I cannot and will not force destiny. My search for a companion isn’t going to be aggressive, but if our paths cross and he finds me I will not close the door.
When I first sat down to write tonight I just wasn’t sure how to grasp or articulate the emotions I have been feeling inside. As I think about love and developing a bond with someone there is a whirlwind of feelings that cross each other. I am curious, but nervous. I am ambitious but tired. I am relieved, but sad. I am relaxed, but overwhelmed. I will continue to pray for that serenity with the scent of a fresh breeze, I dream of that warm embrace that melts all doubt. Someday, somewhere…he awaits me.
All of these feelings have been hard to admit to and embrace without guilt. Mourning my marriage was necessary and as I package this relationship up I will step out into the sunrise. The flow of warmth will climb my arms and fill my heart. Love will find me…I will be waiting.
Heart opened…Love may
~Nina~
As I descended down the stairs my left hand guided me as it slide down the railing. I looked at it and I stopped in my tracks. Empty, my left hand is empty. I had taken my wedding ring off quite a while ago and replaced the space of that particular finger with another ring that has deep meaning to me. I couldn’t handle the absence right away, the feeling of loss. A few weeks ago I took the step to move my other ring to my right hand.
At first there was a heavy sense of sadness when I first looked at my hand. The entire meaning and pride I had with my status as a wife brought difficulty as it wasn’t easy to accept as the vacancy sends a whole new message to the world. I still fidget with my ring finger and a pain stings as I fight the urge to fill that spot for comfort.
Six months, it has been a half a year since I separated myself from my husband. My divorce is around the corner and my heart races with panic. How did I get here? How did all of this happen? I continue to wonder just how my life ventured this path. Love, the emotion of deep passion and belief…I loved him whole-heartedly. Moving forward wasn’t something I thought I was ever going to want to do or be able to do.
This very moment as I visualize my future and I see a person of devotion standing next to me. I cannot see his face, but I know that my heart has opened up to the idea of sharing that emotion of purity one last time. This week I have found myself struggling with my vision of sharing my life with another. I want to be happy and experience that deep level of connection, but I have a high level of apprehension as I am not sure just how this will work. How do you get to know someone and trust the image they present? Will I over scrutinize or shut out the feelings of vulnerability as a result of fear for my heart? I cannot and will not force destiny. My search for a companion isn’t going to be aggressive, but if our paths cross and he finds me I will not close the door.
When I first sat down to write tonight I just wasn’t sure how to grasp or articulate the emotions I have been feeling inside. As I think about love and developing a bond with someone there is a whirlwind of feelings that cross each other. I am curious, but nervous. I am ambitious but tired. I am relieved, but sad. I am relaxed, but overwhelmed. I will continue to pray for that serenity with the scent of a fresh breeze, I dream of that warm embrace that melts all doubt. Someday, somewhere…he awaits me.
All of these feelings have been hard to admit to and embrace without guilt. Mourning my marriage was necessary and as I package this relationship up I will step out into the sunrise. The flow of warmth will climb my arms and fill my heart. Love will find me…I will be waiting.
Heart opened…Love may
~Nina~
July 21, 2010
So Much…Very Exhausted
I have been dealing with a whirlwind of emotions the past few days. Sunday posed difficulty as my basement flooded and there was immediate attention needed. Monday was of great sadness and heartache. Tuesday was of a little more energy. Today was even brighter.
I am overall exhausted with the many appointments and obligations of appearance this week. I have taken a few days off from writing and it has been necessary. I will be composing the draft of emotions I have had over the past few days.
I wish each of you the rest necessary for a positive day tomorrow. I will bow my head and pray for every support avenue as each heart is blessed. Goodnight and God bless.
Peaceful Rest…
~Nina~
I am overall exhausted with the many appointments and obligations of appearance this week. I have taken a few days off from writing and it has been necessary. I will be composing the draft of emotions I have had over the past few days.
I wish each of you the rest necessary for a positive day tomorrow. I will bow my head and pray for every support avenue as each heart is blessed. Goodnight and God bless.
Peaceful Rest…
~Nina~
July 20, 2010
Miles from Home…Rustic Get-a-Way
July 17, 2010
I packed our bags this morning with the great adventure of camping in mind. Lately I have been feeling the grasp of depression try and take over my essence and I just cannot let that affect my children or the voyages that can fuel their imaginations. I want to give each of my precious gifts a childhood of memorable moments and experiences of treasure.
As we pulled out of the driveway my darling trio all gazed up to me as I peered back through the rearview mirror. My heart warmed. I turned and promised them a weekend which would mark the quest of love and imagination, “Are you ready?” Each one of them smiled and we were on our way.
The drive was long as each little head bowed with a relaxed position as they drifted into sleep. At this time I reflected my emotions within. I felt independent as I was driving towards territory I have never traveled in before. I felt proud as I was giving positive experiences to my children. I felt empowered as I was not letting depression capture my ability to live.
The day was filled with playful banter and an abundance of giggling. A picnic supper and scenic walk brought tranquility to my heart. I could see the enjoyment through each set of eyes and I know that someday all the efforts I put in will have a genuine sense of appreciation from each one my kids. The sparkle as they took in the entire experience was precious and this weekend I will cherish as it was our first camping expedition.
At the end of the day we piled some logs and roasted a few marshmallows on the campfire. The gooey warmth and delicious taste of an old fashion s’more just tickled Chloe. I remember what it was like to be that little girl biting into a gold mine for my taste buds. The light in my daughter’s eyes as she was embraced with the purity of happiness was touching. She loves life and life loves her.
These are the days I need…the motivation and belief in my capability to surviving, to leading a life of happiness. As I zipped the tent I smiled. The adventure with my children is a blessing I thank God for.
Climbing inspirations…Life lived
~Nina~
I packed our bags this morning with the great adventure of camping in mind. Lately I have been feeling the grasp of depression try and take over my essence and I just cannot let that affect my children or the voyages that can fuel their imaginations. I want to give each of my precious gifts a childhood of memorable moments and experiences of treasure.
As we pulled out of the driveway my darling trio all gazed up to me as I peered back through the rearview mirror. My heart warmed. I turned and promised them a weekend which would mark the quest of love and imagination, “Are you ready?” Each one of them smiled and we were on our way.
The drive was long as each little head bowed with a relaxed position as they drifted into sleep. At this time I reflected my emotions within. I felt independent as I was driving towards territory I have never traveled in before. I felt proud as I was giving positive experiences to my children. I felt empowered as I was not letting depression capture my ability to live.
The day was filled with playful banter and an abundance of giggling. A picnic supper and scenic walk brought tranquility to my heart. I could see the enjoyment through each set of eyes and I know that someday all the efforts I put in will have a genuine sense of appreciation from each one my kids. The sparkle as they took in the entire experience was precious and this weekend I will cherish as it was our first camping expedition.
At the end of the day we piled some logs and roasted a few marshmallows on the campfire. The gooey warmth and delicious taste of an old fashion s’more just tickled Chloe. I remember what it was like to be that little girl biting into a gold mine for my taste buds. The light in my daughter’s eyes as she was embraced with the purity of happiness was touching. She loves life and life loves her.
These are the days I need…the motivation and belief in my capability to surviving, to leading a life of happiness. As I zipped the tent I smiled. The adventure with my children is a blessing I thank God for.
Climbing inspirations…Life lived
~Nina~
July 16, 2010
Numbness Tingles
Existing has been the theme of my day. I just rolled through the motions to accomplish the goals of bill paying, grocery purchasing, and errand running. I tootled through my errands before gathering my babies. Not much flowed through my mind…meaningless ponders encased my brain and I realized that the energy lost leaves me a shell.
My purpose screeched with happiness as they all booked it across the room to give me a hug. Three precious children are my purpose, my air to breath. I felt fulfilled at that moment when they all piled into my lap, giggling with joy as they buried in with love and security. Gathering them up into the van we set off to our destination…home.
Spending time with my babies was precious. The boys started walking and those first wobbly steps touch my heart as they smile with pride. As each of them took their turn stumbling into my arms my entire being was warmed with the deep bond we hold. I love each one of my children more than life its self.
After tucking them in one by one, I kissed their foreheads and whispered an ‘I love you.’ There I was…completely alone once again. My body went into autopilot again while tasks were approached and complete. I whipped up a pasta salad without the realizing how much time passed until I placed it in the fridge. Finally I stopped as I caught a glimpse of myself in the long mirror while putting something away in my laundry room. “Snap out of this,” I expressed out loud. I don’t want to feel like this, but I cannot seem to avoid or control the feeling I have experienced today.
Ambition, my motivation is quite low at this particular moment. Though I struggle with sleep, I think I might just lie down and pray for a bout of deep, healthy shut eye. I hope each and every one of you receive the rest you need. Embrace the dreams ventured and interpret the pondered message sent.
Goodnight…God Bless
~Nina~
My purpose screeched with happiness as they all booked it across the room to give me a hug. Three precious children are my purpose, my air to breath. I felt fulfilled at that moment when they all piled into my lap, giggling with joy as they buried in with love and security. Gathering them up into the van we set off to our destination…home.
Spending time with my babies was precious. The boys started walking and those first wobbly steps touch my heart as they smile with pride. As each of them took their turn stumbling into my arms my entire being was warmed with the deep bond we hold. I love each one of my children more than life its self.
After tucking them in one by one, I kissed their foreheads and whispered an ‘I love you.’ There I was…completely alone once again. My body went into autopilot again while tasks were approached and complete. I whipped up a pasta salad without the realizing how much time passed until I placed it in the fridge. Finally I stopped as I caught a glimpse of myself in the long mirror while putting something away in my laundry room. “Snap out of this,” I expressed out loud. I don’t want to feel like this, but I cannot seem to avoid or control the feeling I have experienced today.
Ambition, my motivation is quite low at this particular moment. Though I struggle with sleep, I think I might just lie down and pray for a bout of deep, healthy shut eye. I hope each and every one of you receive the rest you need. Embrace the dreams ventured and interpret the pondered message sent.
Goodnight…God Bless
~Nina~
July 15, 2010
Despondent Sunrise...Amusing Sunset
Upon waking this morning I had this overwhelming sense of heartache. One particular man has been on my mind for a greater part of the day. I stood in front of the mirror and curled my hair while wondering, “Would he be proud?” Applying my make-up pieced together the final puzzle piece to my professional stature and I stepped back to gaze at the woman I have become. Does he wonder? I remember climbing in his lap, being his little girl…the man I had adored all those years--my father.
As I drove his face flashed before my eyes and the surge of emotion filled my eyes. My position remains as the pain he brought was unbearable. The words slashed through my heart and left me feeling less than anything of worthy. He had made his stance very clear before and his expression left me feeling as though I wasn’t a part of his life, “We moved on without you along time ago.” I didn’t have his support through this in the beginning and I don’t feel that I ever will. He doesn’t know me, the real me. Acceptance of who I have become has been a dream for me, but the reality lingers. I chose the solitude and the isolation from him. I struggle to deal with the whirlwind of emotion dealing with the experiences of my upcoming divorce and the suffrage of my future ex-husband’s behavior. I don’t have it in me to face or juggle the entire storm of my Father’s cycle of mannerisms as well.
The song that often causes a waterfall of sadness played from the radio at that very moment I was going to set my internal struggle aside. “I wonder” by Kelly Pickler, with a powerful set of lyrics this tune strikes home. Though I didn’t grow up without my Dad, I often feel that the drift between us that started over ten years ago leaves him in the position of having no idea of what exactly I have become, the woman that I am. I have here the chunk of lyrics that surfaces a cascade of emotion every time I hear them…
Sometimes I think about you
Wonder if you’re out there somewhere thinking bout me
And would you even recongnize
The woman that your little girl has grown up to be
Cause I look in the mirror and all I see
Are your brown eyes lookin’ back at me
I had reached my destination and stepped out of the vehicle. Smoothing my clothes, I gathered composure. The sun warmed my skin and as I walked across the street I drew in a deep breath. I paused before the door…I prayed to keep my emotion in check.
Conversation started without complication. Questions on work and the routine at home were the starting dialogue. Without notice the direction turned into the difficulty I was having at that very moment. I closed my eyes and place my elbows on the file cabinet for support. I turned to her and a tear fell as I expressed, “I am turning 25 next week and my life is a mess.” Her eyes welled with emotion and there she sat…a mother with the desire to help and protect--my mother.
Mom expressed the pride she has for me. “You are successful and I am so proud of you,” the words I try to embrace, but struggle as inside I feel very much like a failure daily. I have wanted nothing but to protect her from the hurricane of emotion that comes with this. Being strong for my children is my first priority while maintaining strength for her is my second. No, I don’t always get along with my Mom, but I cherish the guidance she has brought to me. I respect her and value her efforts in offering support everyday. Her tears though, they tear me apart. I don’t want her to feel this pain and I wish I could take it from her. I love you Mom.
The day ventured with a layer of numbness for a while. I dove into my work and didn’t look back. My body functioned on autopilot and my brain engaged to the tasks I had for my job. It was about 4 o’clock in the afternoon and I had the deep desire to crawl into bed and just fall asleep as a severe headache throbbed. I took my medication for it and pulled myself together. I decided to that going out with a friend of mine would serve a positive effect for me verses succumbing to the heartache that pressed.
I am glad I went to dinner and conversed with this person. I am so inspired by the stories and memories shared. I have a great respect for this person and after letting go, I was able to crack a few jokes and bring humor to the table. Making this acquaintance smile sends a rush of peace within.
The evening transitioned into a conclusion of ease ending my day. Right now at this very moment I feel relaxed. I appreciate everyone who has been apart of this journey as without the support I have I am not sure I would be able to keep up the mindset of survival. Again, thank you to each and every one of you!
Tomorrow is a new day…Endless opportunities
~Nina~
As I drove his face flashed before my eyes and the surge of emotion filled my eyes. My position remains as the pain he brought was unbearable. The words slashed through my heart and left me feeling less than anything of worthy. He had made his stance very clear before and his expression left me feeling as though I wasn’t a part of his life, “We moved on without you along time ago.” I didn’t have his support through this in the beginning and I don’t feel that I ever will. He doesn’t know me, the real me. Acceptance of who I have become has been a dream for me, but the reality lingers. I chose the solitude and the isolation from him. I struggle to deal with the whirlwind of emotion dealing with the experiences of my upcoming divorce and the suffrage of my future ex-husband’s behavior. I don’t have it in me to face or juggle the entire storm of my Father’s cycle of mannerisms as well.
The song that often causes a waterfall of sadness played from the radio at that very moment I was going to set my internal struggle aside. “I wonder” by Kelly Pickler, with a powerful set of lyrics this tune strikes home. Though I didn’t grow up without my Dad, I often feel that the drift between us that started over ten years ago leaves him in the position of having no idea of what exactly I have become, the woman that I am. I have here the chunk of lyrics that surfaces a cascade of emotion every time I hear them…
Sometimes I think about you
Wonder if you’re out there somewhere thinking bout me
And would you even recongnize
The woman that your little girl has grown up to be
Cause I look in the mirror and all I see
Are your brown eyes lookin’ back at me
I had reached my destination and stepped out of the vehicle. Smoothing my clothes, I gathered composure. The sun warmed my skin and as I walked across the street I drew in a deep breath. I paused before the door…I prayed to keep my emotion in check.
Conversation started without complication. Questions on work and the routine at home were the starting dialogue. Without notice the direction turned into the difficulty I was having at that very moment. I closed my eyes and place my elbows on the file cabinet for support. I turned to her and a tear fell as I expressed, “I am turning 25 next week and my life is a mess.” Her eyes welled with emotion and there she sat…a mother with the desire to help and protect--my mother.
Mom expressed the pride she has for me. “You are successful and I am so proud of you,” the words I try to embrace, but struggle as inside I feel very much like a failure daily. I have wanted nothing but to protect her from the hurricane of emotion that comes with this. Being strong for my children is my first priority while maintaining strength for her is my second. No, I don’t always get along with my Mom, but I cherish the guidance she has brought to me. I respect her and value her efforts in offering support everyday. Her tears though, they tear me apart. I don’t want her to feel this pain and I wish I could take it from her. I love you Mom.
The day ventured with a layer of numbness for a while. I dove into my work and didn’t look back. My body functioned on autopilot and my brain engaged to the tasks I had for my job. It was about 4 o’clock in the afternoon and I had the deep desire to crawl into bed and just fall asleep as a severe headache throbbed. I took my medication for it and pulled myself together. I decided to that going out with a friend of mine would serve a positive effect for me verses succumbing to the heartache that pressed.
I am glad I went to dinner and conversed with this person. I am so inspired by the stories and memories shared. I have a great respect for this person and after letting go, I was able to crack a few jokes and bring humor to the table. Making this acquaintance smile sends a rush of peace within.
The evening transitioned into a conclusion of ease ending my day. Right now at this very moment I feel relaxed. I appreciate everyone who has been apart of this journey as without the support I have I am not sure I would be able to keep up the mindset of survival. Again, thank you to each and every one of you!
Tomorrow is a new day…Endless opportunities
~Nina~
July 14, 2010
Emotional Storm…Memory Lived
Writing provides me the ability to deal with the wide arrangement of my emotions. Yesterday I didn’t capture my day or the feelings experienced because as I sat down at the end of the day I felt so exhausted I didn’t have it in me to surface interpretation of my thoughts. Today though has presented me with serious difficulty. The pain ran deep and the stream of tears brought struggle.
The past couple days I have had this sense of freedom from all the chaos, stress, and sadness of this journey as I laughed, concentrated on work, and pushed the legal mess to the back of my mind. It taught me that I can eventually break free from this; I can live without constant darkness and a grief stricken battle. The enlightenment of my Monday and Tuesday has surfaced the courage I had lost.
Today however has been one of those low days that develop without notice. I found myself just becoming quiet and processing so many thoughts from upcoming court dates, to my emotional coping of love and my dissolved marriage.
This brought me a deep pain…
I stepped out of the car. Immediately the flood of emotion wanted to flow and I fought to control the surge of tears trying to fall. I walked down to the first look out and his face flashed before my eyes. Taking in a deep breath I could smell his cologne and feel the cold rain that had surrounded my being that night. Coming back to the present I turned and moseyed along the path to the rest of the park.
The rain began to trickle from the sky and the tears poured as I lost control of my emotions. Just as that night I was encased with rain and the look out over the bluffs surfaced a memory I have cherished. Eventually I made it to the spot where the puddle had been. The rain was my sadness soaking my entire essence. My vision became blurry as I raised my hands to my face in attempt to muffle my sobs. Again, I saw the lust as we shared as we danced in the rain and the tease as I had as I kicked up water playfully. There I stood; reliving a night of great romance, a night we had shared…the night of our first official date.
As I walked back to the car my posture was weak and the desire to sit on the log to cry was strong. I resisted the position of crumble and made it to the vehicle. On the drive back to town I peered into the sky. A love I had for him was so deep…so pure. Why, how has all of this happened? All I tried to do was give my entire self to someone I loved, to the man I vowed to with the honor of for better or worse. Again I am forced to face the reality of a life I worked so hard for was gone…merely a memory as the reality has faded.
The heavens had a billowing, white cloud of innocence and softness. It was a struggle to see its entirety as the dark, heavy clouds of storm shadowed the serenity that tried to peek through. As I gazed at the view I saw myself in the sky. The entire formation spoke to my struggle everyday. His darkness, his anger hovered over my persona of positive energy. The pain of those storm clouds have lingered a silhouette of loss as I search for myself. Eventually the sky will clear, but what about my life, my heart. At what point does the staircase to my heavens, my soul become clear and white with purity again. Everyday I ponder…each day I pray.
The roller coaster of this emotional trip remains. As I collect my thoughts and draft my experiences these tears fall with the hopes of tranquility one day. Love, my heart bleeds with anticipation of an opportunity to trust again. As the moisture rolls down my cheek I realize that eventually the pain will someday lighten, but the memories of happiness I will always treasure.
Memory lane ventured…Tearful embrace
~Nina~
The past couple days I have had this sense of freedom from all the chaos, stress, and sadness of this journey as I laughed, concentrated on work, and pushed the legal mess to the back of my mind. It taught me that I can eventually break free from this; I can live without constant darkness and a grief stricken battle. The enlightenment of my Monday and Tuesday has surfaced the courage I had lost.
Today however has been one of those low days that develop without notice. I found myself just becoming quiet and processing so many thoughts from upcoming court dates, to my emotional coping of love and my dissolved marriage.
This brought me a deep pain…
I stepped out of the car. Immediately the flood of emotion wanted to flow and I fought to control the surge of tears trying to fall. I walked down to the first look out and his face flashed before my eyes. Taking in a deep breath I could smell his cologne and feel the cold rain that had surrounded my being that night. Coming back to the present I turned and moseyed along the path to the rest of the park.
The rain began to trickle from the sky and the tears poured as I lost control of my emotions. Just as that night I was encased with rain and the look out over the bluffs surfaced a memory I have cherished. Eventually I made it to the spot where the puddle had been. The rain was my sadness soaking my entire essence. My vision became blurry as I raised my hands to my face in attempt to muffle my sobs. Again, I saw the lust as we shared as we danced in the rain and the tease as I had as I kicked up water playfully. There I stood; reliving a night of great romance, a night we had shared…the night of our first official date.
As I walked back to the car my posture was weak and the desire to sit on the log to cry was strong. I resisted the position of crumble and made it to the vehicle. On the drive back to town I peered into the sky. A love I had for him was so deep…so pure. Why, how has all of this happened? All I tried to do was give my entire self to someone I loved, to the man I vowed to with the honor of for better or worse. Again I am forced to face the reality of a life I worked so hard for was gone…merely a memory as the reality has faded.
The heavens had a billowing, white cloud of innocence and softness. It was a struggle to see its entirety as the dark, heavy clouds of storm shadowed the serenity that tried to peek through. As I gazed at the view I saw myself in the sky. The entire formation spoke to my struggle everyday. His darkness, his anger hovered over my persona of positive energy. The pain of those storm clouds have lingered a silhouette of loss as I search for myself. Eventually the sky will clear, but what about my life, my heart. At what point does the staircase to my heavens, my soul become clear and white with purity again. Everyday I ponder…each day I pray.
The roller coaster of this emotional trip remains. As I collect my thoughts and draft my experiences these tears fall with the hopes of tranquility one day. Love, my heart bleeds with anticipation of an opportunity to trust again. As the moisture rolls down my cheek I realize that eventually the pain will someday lighten, but the memories of happiness I will always treasure.
Memory lane ventured…Tearful embrace
~Nina~
Travel Enterprise…Mind Clear
July 12, 2010
Today came and my determination to dive into my work left my mind clear of the daily stress. Laughter filled my heart and smiling exercised my soul. Thinking back, it seems like a lifetime ago that I had a day that left me feeling completely liberated.
My mind fires at a fast rate and a sense of pride warmed me as I was quickly handled several tasks at once. My concentration is that of a gift as I can focus on various duties and maintain great efficiency as well as accuracy.
Days like this leave me feeling like a success. I feel as though I am something of value and that I will be something of importance to this world. Proud is not an emotion that flows much lately. My daily interpretation of failure does bring resistance to my self-worth, but this day marks a day of triumph.
Accomplishments are not always what someone else perceives as an achievement, but what one feels deep inside as a positive attainment. At times we, as a society, allow the pressure of the fantasy successes to drive our efforts. This can bring a loss of sight to what will really bring us all inner peace.
Folding my hands tonight I pray my appreciation for this day of light heartedness. I thank God for the laughter that has lifted my spirits and the hours of connected love within.
Much needed day…Internal liberty
~Nina~
Today came and my determination to dive into my work left my mind clear of the daily stress. Laughter filled my heart and smiling exercised my soul. Thinking back, it seems like a lifetime ago that I had a day that left me feeling completely liberated.
My mind fires at a fast rate and a sense of pride warmed me as I was quickly handled several tasks at once. My concentration is that of a gift as I can focus on various duties and maintain great efficiency as well as accuracy.
Days like this leave me feeling like a success. I feel as though I am something of value and that I will be something of importance to this world. Proud is not an emotion that flows much lately. My daily interpretation of failure does bring resistance to my self-worth, but this day marks a day of triumph.
Accomplishments are not always what someone else perceives as an achievement, but what one feels deep inside as a positive attainment. At times we, as a society, allow the pressure of the fantasy successes to drive our efforts. This can bring a loss of sight to what will really bring us all inner peace.
Folding my hands tonight I pray my appreciation for this day of light heartedness. I thank God for the laughter that has lifted my spirits and the hours of connected love within.
Much needed day…Internal liberty
~Nina~
Energy Zapped…Lots to Do
July 11, 2010
Recovering from the wedding was a desire as I was the photographer and put in a long day yesterday, but it was more than physical exhaustion that weighed on me. Pulling into the drive way I just felt the stress wrap around my shoulders and capture my freedom once again as the mere visual of the house he slept in meets me everyday I walk into mine. I peeked in the back of the vehicle and all three of my darling children were sleeping. Cutting the engine left it quiet. I sat there and just pondered the list of chores that awaited me as I had to prepare for a long week of work to come.
As my babies rested I unloaded the van. Each trip into the house reminded me the struggles of being a single parent. There is no dividing of tasks or help. The list remains regardless of pressed time and wiped out motivation. As I transferred my sleeping beauties I had one set of eyes peek up at me. My daughter smiled with groggy eyes and my heart melted as she said, “I tooked a good nap Momma.” The innocence of my boys encased me as they continued their peaceful slumber while I placed them in their cribs.
I sat down on the couch and the weight brought me great struggle. I didn’t want to unpack our bags, face the laundry, tackle the various tasks of clean up, or mow the lawn. A tear fell as everything crashed on me. I just would once wish to turn and be met with a set of arms waiting to support me through this, to bring an emotional boost.
Eventually I pulled myself together and managed to organize my entire to do list. Another day down…may the sunset bring me peace.
~Nina~
Recovering from the wedding was a desire as I was the photographer and put in a long day yesterday, but it was more than physical exhaustion that weighed on me. Pulling into the drive way I just felt the stress wrap around my shoulders and capture my freedom once again as the mere visual of the house he slept in meets me everyday I walk into mine. I peeked in the back of the vehicle and all three of my darling children were sleeping. Cutting the engine left it quiet. I sat there and just pondered the list of chores that awaited me as I had to prepare for a long week of work to come.
As my babies rested I unloaded the van. Each trip into the house reminded me the struggles of being a single parent. There is no dividing of tasks or help. The list remains regardless of pressed time and wiped out motivation. As I transferred my sleeping beauties I had one set of eyes peek up at me. My daughter smiled with groggy eyes and my heart melted as she said, “I tooked a good nap Momma.” The innocence of my boys encased me as they continued their peaceful slumber while I placed them in their cribs.
I sat down on the couch and the weight brought me great struggle. I didn’t want to unpack our bags, face the laundry, tackle the various tasks of clean up, or mow the lawn. A tear fell as everything crashed on me. I just would once wish to turn and be met with a set of arms waiting to support me through this, to bring an emotional boost.
Eventually I pulled myself together and managed to organize my entire to do list. Another day down…may the sunset bring me peace.
~Nina~
Beautiful Bride…Gentle Groom
July 10, 2010
Today marked a very important day for two people I hold very dear to my heart. My best friend and her fiancé vowed to each other as today was their wedding. Both of them have become family to me and my children. The celebration of their union as husband and wife was an experience I was honored to be part of. I love you both!
From this Day Forward…
His heart of pure kindness deep from within
Her soul of softness pours from each grin
Lifetime of happiness they will get to spend
As each vow and promise to marry their best friend
Passion encasing warmth of her feminine soul deep
Loving her, protecting with respect her heart to keep
Devotion holding pride his stupor very much strong
Adoring, cherishing with loyalty his essence so long
Looking to each other, clearly one can see trust
Purity, affection a special relation of innocent lust
The connection a rarity, beautiful, treasured, and true
Reciting with honor each and every “I love you”
Building a life together, their story only to unfold
A marriage filled with two precious hearts of gold
Cascading emotion, cast soft language from their eyes
Embracing their life daily with each peaceful sunrise
I wrote this poem for them as a part of their wedding gift. I wish them the best of luck and hope them the best endeavors together as they step forward in their marriage.
All day I fought back the urge of tears welling with emotion. The bride radiated with a beauty that is unexplainable. The tender gaze he had as she walked down the isle toward him touched every guest present. The love they share, the devotion…it all brought softness about the day. The pride he carried as he guided he bride down the path stepping into their eternal love was powerful. The glow she illuminated as her groom danced with her into the sunset was angelic. The entire atmosphere was perfect day for a perfect couple.
To the Bride and Groom!
~Nina~
Today marked a very important day for two people I hold very dear to my heart. My best friend and her fiancé vowed to each other as today was their wedding. Both of them have become family to me and my children. The celebration of their union as husband and wife was an experience I was honored to be part of. I love you both!
From this Day Forward…
His heart of pure kindness deep from within
Her soul of softness pours from each grin
Lifetime of happiness they will get to spend
As each vow and promise to marry their best friend
Passion encasing warmth of her feminine soul deep
Loving her, protecting with respect her heart to keep
Devotion holding pride his stupor very much strong
Adoring, cherishing with loyalty his essence so long
Looking to each other, clearly one can see trust
Purity, affection a special relation of innocent lust
The connection a rarity, beautiful, treasured, and true
Reciting with honor each and every “I love you”
Building a life together, their story only to unfold
A marriage filled with two precious hearts of gold
Cascading emotion, cast soft language from their eyes
Embracing their life daily with each peaceful sunrise
I wrote this poem for them as a part of their wedding gift. I wish them the best of luck and hope them the best endeavors together as they step forward in their marriage.
All day I fought back the urge of tears welling with emotion. The bride radiated with a beauty that is unexplainable. The tender gaze he had as she walked down the isle toward him touched every guest present. The love they share, the devotion…it all brought softness about the day. The pride he carried as he guided he bride down the path stepping into their eternal love was powerful. The glow she illuminated as her groom danced with her into the sunset was angelic. The entire atmosphere was perfect day for a perfect couple.
To the Bride and Groom!
~Nina~
Journey Ventured…Unknown Pavement
July 9, 2010
Waking up today left me feeling a little more put together than the other days had. I was not as restless, but the total exhaustion I believe aided in my ability to sleep a little deeper last night. Also I knew that I was heading out of town after work today and I have been looking forward to the event that faced me for weeks now. The chance to drive and watch my continued strife fade in the rearview mirror would bring me some peace within.
I arrived to work with higher spirits than before. The morning held a few bumps and difficult conversations, but I was able to handle them better than the days prior. Then without noticed I was slammed right in the face with something that needed to be dealt with immediately. He had managed to track a number to someone he has no association with at all and call them from his location. Faint, I felt like I was going to pass out immediately. I ran down the hallway. Again, questions raced as I wondered…How did he get this information? Why is he doing this? What will happen? This will never end will it?
The emotion waved with nausea. As I vomited the fear poured from my eyes. I couldn’t stop…he will never stop. Struggling to stand I was met with a face, the face that provides support to me daily. “You will be ok.” No, no I won’t. The one day I hold some sort of strength it dissolves as he continues to haunt me. “How did he get this information?” continued to cloud my thoughts. His goal is to destroy me and I believe whole-heartedly at some point he will be successful.
As this journey has ventured I have been given resources. Independently I will sift through what has been given to me as well as research the world of domestic abuse. My latest need of knowledge is the statistics on surviving this. As he continues to escalate and maintain behavior that is unpredictable I wonder if this will only end with the loss of my life. I found the outcome startling…
“Nationally, about 75 percent of the deaths related to domestic abuse occur when the woman is either separated from or has left the abuser.” (Source: http://www.friendshiphome.org/html/dv/stats.htm)
Having the knowledge I have from being with him, his past, and the extreme fear he has instilled…I pray, I plead to God this is not the conclusion for me.
Eventually I was on the road. As I put the vehicle in drive I took a deep breath. I have to set this aside for a few days. I have a job to do this weekend and I cannot let this consume me. I hit the city boundaries and looked up into the rearview mirror. Silently I said good-bye to the struggles, the tears, the fear…I was setting into the horizon for a few days of inner tranquility.
The music captured my essence. I could feel the rhythm totally relax my body as I headed north. Gazing at the surroundings brought a sense of freedom. Finally reaching my destination I stepped out of my vehicle. Pulling my shoulders back, drawing in a breath of collection, and letting my chin drift up I took in the sunshine. While placing my sunglasses upon my face and walking across the parking lot I was left feeling the warmth of confidence envelop my entire being.
Letting go of required battles…Temporarily living without the chaos
~Nina~
Waking up today left me feeling a little more put together than the other days had. I was not as restless, but the total exhaustion I believe aided in my ability to sleep a little deeper last night. Also I knew that I was heading out of town after work today and I have been looking forward to the event that faced me for weeks now. The chance to drive and watch my continued strife fade in the rearview mirror would bring me some peace within.
I arrived to work with higher spirits than before. The morning held a few bumps and difficult conversations, but I was able to handle them better than the days prior. Then without noticed I was slammed right in the face with something that needed to be dealt with immediately. He had managed to track a number to someone he has no association with at all and call them from his location. Faint, I felt like I was going to pass out immediately. I ran down the hallway. Again, questions raced as I wondered…How did he get this information? Why is he doing this? What will happen? This will never end will it?
The emotion waved with nausea. As I vomited the fear poured from my eyes. I couldn’t stop…he will never stop. Struggling to stand I was met with a face, the face that provides support to me daily. “You will be ok.” No, no I won’t. The one day I hold some sort of strength it dissolves as he continues to haunt me. “How did he get this information?” continued to cloud my thoughts. His goal is to destroy me and I believe whole-heartedly at some point he will be successful.
As this journey has ventured I have been given resources. Independently I will sift through what has been given to me as well as research the world of domestic abuse. My latest need of knowledge is the statistics on surviving this. As he continues to escalate and maintain behavior that is unpredictable I wonder if this will only end with the loss of my life. I found the outcome startling…
“Nationally, about 75 percent of the deaths related to domestic abuse occur when the woman is either separated from or has left the abuser.” (Source: http://www.friendshiphome.org/html/dv/stats.htm)
Having the knowledge I have from being with him, his past, and the extreme fear he has instilled…I pray, I plead to God this is not the conclusion for me.
Eventually I was on the road. As I put the vehicle in drive I took a deep breath. I have to set this aside for a few days. I have a job to do this weekend and I cannot let this consume me. I hit the city boundaries and looked up into the rearview mirror. Silently I said good-bye to the struggles, the tears, the fear…I was setting into the horizon for a few days of inner tranquility.
The music captured my essence. I could feel the rhythm totally relax my body as I headed north. Gazing at the surroundings brought a sense of freedom. Finally reaching my destination I stepped out of my vehicle. Pulling my shoulders back, drawing in a breath of collection, and letting my chin drift up I took in the sunshine. While placing my sunglasses upon my face and walking across the parking lot I was left feeling the warmth of confidence envelop my entire being.
Letting go of required battles…Temporarily living without the chaos
~Nina~
July 8, 2010
Flooded Despair…Continued Spiral
Another sleepless night…while suffering multiple nightmares and spells of involuntary crying, the night left me exhausted this morning. Regardless though, I crawled out of bed with the autopilot motions of my morning. Stepping out of the shower, I dried off and the racing thoughts began. What will the verdict be? Will I survive this? How do I get my children through this? Strength, will I have what it takes to pull through this entire process? These questions spun without pause and I was left feeling nauseous.
I finally received the phone call with the decision made in regards to the outcome of his case. Revocation, he will have to sit for quite a while…until the revocation hearing, if he decides to appeal it, or for 90 days. As those words were expressed to me I immediately struggled to hold the phone. I was asked, “Are you ok?” No, I am not…this entire experience is tearing me apart. I explained that most people would have this sigh of relief as safety is found, but I still struggle with the immediate fear of knowing his anger.
Visually I can picture his behavior…his rage. I can hear his words and I can feel his hate for me. Everyday he is there he continues to escalate and I continue to suffer with extreme terror. I expressed to someone today that I understand that his actions brought him to where he is, but still I believe his rationalizations as to this being my fault. I take blame and want to resume responsibility because I am still stuck in this cycle, his cycle. “What will it take for you to get past that?” A question I continue to ponder since I was asked today. I don’t know…will it ever go away?
Without notice I slouched into a parade of tears. He has made conscious decisions, performed with acts of aggression, and brought himself to this outcome. Why does he get to behave like this and blame others? What he doesn’t realize is that he lashes out expecting to have no consequences and I am left here to pick up the pieces. I have to help the kids cope with this. I have to muster enough courage to face my days as I feel worthless to this world. I have maintained responsibility to my financial obligations. I have not missed one day of work because of this as I didn’t have that option; though he has taken weeks off to work through this. I have everything to juggle and I do it alone while he ponders how much he hates me. He has spun a path of destruction right through my heart and our lives, but I keep trying to hold strong and honestly I feel my grip slipping.
At the point of giving up I glance over at the picture of my three beautiful children. The surge of emotion pours from my heart and I dig deep for one more ounce, the last ounce of courage within. They are what keep me going. Though at times my vision becomes blurred from the continual stream of tears, one thing that remains crystal clear is the importance of my children’s futures. I will never lose sight of that and will continue to make the most educated decisions while taking proper action to protect them.
A few weeks ago I came across a quote. Immediately I wrote it down and tacked it to my work computer.
“Believe deep down in your heart that you’re destined to do great things” ~Joe Paterno~
Everyday I read these words. All I have ever wanted to be is someone the world can appreciate. I have always given back to people and tried to be a proper role model for my children. Though I know I will never be accepted, there is one person I am determined to show I am respectable and worth something to be proud of. I will, however, prove to myself…no matter how hard this gets, I will continue to scratch my way to the surface. I will strive for success and fight for survival.
I am destined to do great things
~Nina~
I finally received the phone call with the decision made in regards to the outcome of his case. Revocation, he will have to sit for quite a while…until the revocation hearing, if he decides to appeal it, or for 90 days. As those words were expressed to me I immediately struggled to hold the phone. I was asked, “Are you ok?” No, I am not…this entire experience is tearing me apart. I explained that most people would have this sigh of relief as safety is found, but I still struggle with the immediate fear of knowing his anger.
Visually I can picture his behavior…his rage. I can hear his words and I can feel his hate for me. Everyday he is there he continues to escalate and I continue to suffer with extreme terror. I expressed to someone today that I understand that his actions brought him to where he is, but still I believe his rationalizations as to this being my fault. I take blame and want to resume responsibility because I am still stuck in this cycle, his cycle. “What will it take for you to get past that?” A question I continue to ponder since I was asked today. I don’t know…will it ever go away?
Without notice I slouched into a parade of tears. He has made conscious decisions, performed with acts of aggression, and brought himself to this outcome. Why does he get to behave like this and blame others? What he doesn’t realize is that he lashes out expecting to have no consequences and I am left here to pick up the pieces. I have to help the kids cope with this. I have to muster enough courage to face my days as I feel worthless to this world. I have maintained responsibility to my financial obligations. I have not missed one day of work because of this as I didn’t have that option; though he has taken weeks off to work through this. I have everything to juggle and I do it alone while he ponders how much he hates me. He has spun a path of destruction right through my heart and our lives, but I keep trying to hold strong and honestly I feel my grip slipping.
At the point of giving up I glance over at the picture of my three beautiful children. The surge of emotion pours from my heart and I dig deep for one more ounce, the last ounce of courage within. They are what keep me going. Though at times my vision becomes blurred from the continual stream of tears, one thing that remains crystal clear is the importance of my children’s futures. I will never lose sight of that and will continue to make the most educated decisions while taking proper action to protect them.
A few weeks ago I came across a quote. Immediately I wrote it down and tacked it to my work computer.
“Believe deep down in your heart that you’re destined to do great things” ~Joe Paterno~
Everyday I read these words. All I have ever wanted to be is someone the world can appreciate. I have always given back to people and tried to be a proper role model for my children. Though I know I will never be accepted, there is one person I am determined to show I am respectable and worth something to be proud of. I will, however, prove to myself…no matter how hard this gets, I will continue to scratch my way to the surface. I will strive for success and fight for survival.
I am destined to do great things
~Nina~
July 7, 2010
Painful Parting…Emptiness Embarked
Right now at this very moment I feel completely empty. I have sat and cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. Then after a while just when I didn’t think it was possible, a silent tear rolls down my cheek as I remember the tenderness, the touch that had once trailed my arm. Today I didn’t expect to be swarmed by the sadness I am wrapped with right now. Though my intuition alerted me and my gut could feel the drift…the pain is still deep and pulling at me.
Lonely, I feel so alone these days. I feel like I have been told I have cancer and the chances of survival are gray. Each morning I wake up and wonder if this is the day hope will surface or if the illness will metastasize to another vital organ. Another piece of me dies and as I turn to embrace strength my arms are met with nothing.
Things are up in the air with limited answers as to the outcome of the man whom will soon become my ex-husband, the man I continue to hide from. Panic continues to rise while paralyzing my soul. I think about him often and wonder what goes through his mind. Rage? Remorse? It is best I don’t know. I always begged while trying to earn his forgiveness and continued to alter myself until I no longer knew who I was. Still, I fight the urge to just drop this all and dissolve back into the world where I was invisible. Doing what he wants and giving him what he demands seems easier than making him accountable for this continual pattern of behavior…of destruction.
A particular aspect of my life has presented this weight in my gut as I could feel the resistance. Preparing for it has been an objective for the past couple days, but as I was forced to face it today there was no stopping the flood of emotions. The time has been a pleasure, peaceful without strain. The confidence grew as feelings fostered a reality of being beautiful. “It is ok, please be careful…” My last words and it took every ounce of strength I had not to reach up to caress a face I had grown to adore as our eyes met.
The stream of emotion poured from my eyes. Everything became too heavy, my knees were weak, and the desire to crumble pressed. I drove to the spot that first flashed before my eyes. The bench, the cool night air, the playful banter as I climbed on the rocks…the spot that finally brought a liberty to my soul…the memory of that night I will hold close to my heart for a long time.
I feel the urge to hide and withdraw from everyone. I don’t want people to see the wide arrangement of emotions I have. Dealing with the dynamics of concerned safety and struggling with the internal battle of doubted eternal peace, I just pull back. Some days I dream of having a shoulder to turn to as I receive difficult news, or having the security of being caught when the strength leaves my legs while being guided down gently instead of crumpling instantly with a thud. That dream of someone standing by my side fades…my fingers stretch only to touch emptiness.
Searching for security, I scooped up my children…my sweet babies, the blessed trio that drives me each day. The reason I continue to stand tall. Giving them a life they deserve does piece together a determination to fight this. They need a role model of great respect given while being received. I want my children to walk tall and be secure within. I pray my darlings will not have to face such darkness as I have, but in the event they might I will have taught them the tools they need to overcome. Standing above them, my hand strokes each forehead of softness…of pure innocence. Silently I again promise to them. As I kiss them, I whisper my deep love to each of them.
Emotions of difficulty…Building blocks of life
~Nina~
Lonely, I feel so alone these days. I feel like I have been told I have cancer and the chances of survival are gray. Each morning I wake up and wonder if this is the day hope will surface or if the illness will metastasize to another vital organ. Another piece of me dies and as I turn to embrace strength my arms are met with nothing.
Things are up in the air with limited answers as to the outcome of the man whom will soon become my ex-husband, the man I continue to hide from. Panic continues to rise while paralyzing my soul. I think about him often and wonder what goes through his mind. Rage? Remorse? It is best I don’t know. I always begged while trying to earn his forgiveness and continued to alter myself until I no longer knew who I was. Still, I fight the urge to just drop this all and dissolve back into the world where I was invisible. Doing what he wants and giving him what he demands seems easier than making him accountable for this continual pattern of behavior…of destruction.
A particular aspect of my life has presented this weight in my gut as I could feel the resistance. Preparing for it has been an objective for the past couple days, but as I was forced to face it today there was no stopping the flood of emotions. The time has been a pleasure, peaceful without strain. The confidence grew as feelings fostered a reality of being beautiful. “It is ok, please be careful…” My last words and it took every ounce of strength I had not to reach up to caress a face I had grown to adore as our eyes met.
The stream of emotion poured from my eyes. Everything became too heavy, my knees were weak, and the desire to crumble pressed. I drove to the spot that first flashed before my eyes. The bench, the cool night air, the playful banter as I climbed on the rocks…the spot that finally brought a liberty to my soul…the memory of that night I will hold close to my heart for a long time.
I feel the urge to hide and withdraw from everyone. I don’t want people to see the wide arrangement of emotions I have. Dealing with the dynamics of concerned safety and struggling with the internal battle of doubted eternal peace, I just pull back. Some days I dream of having a shoulder to turn to as I receive difficult news, or having the security of being caught when the strength leaves my legs while being guided down gently instead of crumpling instantly with a thud. That dream of someone standing by my side fades…my fingers stretch only to touch emptiness.
Searching for security, I scooped up my children…my sweet babies, the blessed trio that drives me each day. The reason I continue to stand tall. Giving them a life they deserve does piece together a determination to fight this. They need a role model of great respect given while being received. I want my children to walk tall and be secure within. I pray my darlings will not have to face such darkness as I have, but in the event they might I will have taught them the tools they need to overcome. Standing above them, my hand strokes each forehead of softness…of pure innocence. Silently I again promise to them. As I kiss them, I whisper my deep love to each of them.
Emotions of difficulty…Building blocks of life
~Nina~
July 6, 2010
Validated Fear…Uncertain Future
Last night I did not sleep very well at all. I was up almost every hour on the hour. Nightmares have capsulated my rest once again. Waking up with panic, gasping for air…my fright has festered old memories and ventured the illusions of things I fear he could do to me. It has been months since I have struggled at night like this which leaves me to ponder why, why am I suffering again of night terrors? My only conclusion is the anticipated fury of him busting out of the gate with the determination to make me pay…I pray it won’t be with my life.
Trying to set aside my worry, I attempted to focus on my ability to step forward with my day. There I was standing in my closet searching for something to wear and feeling lost. Piecing together a professional outfit for work, I wanted something that spoke strength, perseverance, and confidence. As the material of my clothes slide along the curves of my body I took a deep breath. Reciting in my head over and over, “You will make it, you will beat this.” Hesitation, I paused and my palm rested on my cheek as I held the eyeliner. Tears welled as I pondered the outcome of today. “No, I will not lose today as well,” I verbalized out loud to myself. Today was supposed to be my day.
Giving back in any way that I can is important to me. Many have reached out to me and my children with support. Most days I wish I would just win the lottery so I could repay each and every person or program that has assisted me through this process. I struggle monetarily, so all I am left with is my bare hands and a determination to present appreciation providing any service I can to return the kindness. Today I gave something of myself that will save a life at some point…
Today I donated blood. Since graduating high school I would see the “Donate Today” signs, but always have been uncomfortable with needles. I was walking one day around eight weeks ago and stared at the set up. I made the decision to give a piece of me that could touch a life and give someone else a chance as I have been given the chance at a new life, a healthy life. Without hesitation I signed up once again today and I will continue to at every chance I am allowed within the recommendations. As I walked away, I turned back to gaze at the entire arrangement, then I bowed my head and prayed to bring ease to someone’s misfortunate or difficult event someday.
My day seemed to find its way along a positive path and my head was held high. That all crashed after one phone call. I talked with someone of great importance today about the outcome of the particular circumstances of his location right now. I took in the information and gained an understanding of the process. Then I was given the opportunity to express how I was feeling. I struggled and choked on my words as I admitted, “I am scared. I fear my life as he is going to blame me for costing him a week and I wonder if tomorrow is the day he busts through the door and makes me pay for my wrong doings to him.” The response I received left me weak, “Your feelings are valid and a concern of ours as well.” He has become so unpredictable…no one can say for sure what he is capable of anymore. Emotion just poured from my eyes and I ran down the hallway to the bathroom. I gagged and heaved. As I flushed I saw my hope spiral away as well.
For a week there has been one particular memory that has played over and over in my mind. It brings an understanding to why I fear and why I have reason to fear. I will never forget the day, the smell of the summer air, or the words of fury. July 15th two summers ago there was a verbal altercation between him and his past. He was so furious. I went outside and crumpled by the tree stump on the corner of the house. I was shaking so violently I became sick. I ran into the house to vomit. I walked around the corner and into the living room to find him at his gun safe. “I am going to go down there and am going to kill that cunt,” his words of rage. He keyed the combination and without notice he pulled out his hand gun and engaged the loaded clip. I remember feeling instantly faint and struggled to maintain my strength to stand. “I am going to go down there and am going to kill that cunt,” he screamed again. He didn’t leave the house which is why I didn’t call it in and eventually he calmed himself down. I stood in silence as I my eyes climbed from the floor and I saw him, he was kneeling in the chair holding the firearm and then with a click the clip fell to the ground. I had been holding my breath and at the moment I watched it meet the carpet I was able to draw in a breath. Terrified, this vision plays over and over as I am now that woman he hates, the woman he will want to punish.
He was very good at rationalizing his anger and blaming his enemy. He would comfort me as I was suffering the aftermath of his emotional tyrants. Quickly I believed his promises of change since my personality was different and his love pledged to me. It was like quicksand as I rapidly became afraid to leave and just lived with the goal of making him happy. His smile, his gratitude of the “joy” I brought to his life…I was played with like a tiger fidgeting with a timid rabbit. Now I have to try and overcome this fear…this cycle of rage and control. I have fear and I have it for a reason.
Tonight I pray…Tomorrow I hope
~Nina~
Trying to set aside my worry, I attempted to focus on my ability to step forward with my day. There I was standing in my closet searching for something to wear and feeling lost. Piecing together a professional outfit for work, I wanted something that spoke strength, perseverance, and confidence. As the material of my clothes slide along the curves of my body I took a deep breath. Reciting in my head over and over, “You will make it, you will beat this.” Hesitation, I paused and my palm rested on my cheek as I held the eyeliner. Tears welled as I pondered the outcome of today. “No, I will not lose today as well,” I verbalized out loud to myself. Today was supposed to be my day.
Giving back in any way that I can is important to me. Many have reached out to me and my children with support. Most days I wish I would just win the lottery so I could repay each and every person or program that has assisted me through this process. I struggle monetarily, so all I am left with is my bare hands and a determination to present appreciation providing any service I can to return the kindness. Today I gave something of myself that will save a life at some point…
Today I donated blood. Since graduating high school I would see the “Donate Today” signs, but always have been uncomfortable with needles. I was walking one day around eight weeks ago and stared at the set up. I made the decision to give a piece of me that could touch a life and give someone else a chance as I have been given the chance at a new life, a healthy life. Without hesitation I signed up once again today and I will continue to at every chance I am allowed within the recommendations. As I walked away, I turned back to gaze at the entire arrangement, then I bowed my head and prayed to bring ease to someone’s misfortunate or difficult event someday.
My day seemed to find its way along a positive path and my head was held high. That all crashed after one phone call. I talked with someone of great importance today about the outcome of the particular circumstances of his location right now. I took in the information and gained an understanding of the process. Then I was given the opportunity to express how I was feeling. I struggled and choked on my words as I admitted, “I am scared. I fear my life as he is going to blame me for costing him a week and I wonder if tomorrow is the day he busts through the door and makes me pay for my wrong doings to him.” The response I received left me weak, “Your feelings are valid and a concern of ours as well.” He has become so unpredictable…no one can say for sure what he is capable of anymore. Emotion just poured from my eyes and I ran down the hallway to the bathroom. I gagged and heaved. As I flushed I saw my hope spiral away as well.
For a week there has been one particular memory that has played over and over in my mind. It brings an understanding to why I fear and why I have reason to fear. I will never forget the day, the smell of the summer air, or the words of fury. July 15th two summers ago there was a verbal altercation between him and his past. He was so furious. I went outside and crumpled by the tree stump on the corner of the house. I was shaking so violently I became sick. I ran into the house to vomit. I walked around the corner and into the living room to find him at his gun safe. “I am going to go down there and am going to kill that cunt,” his words of rage. He keyed the combination and without notice he pulled out his hand gun and engaged the loaded clip. I remember feeling instantly faint and struggled to maintain my strength to stand. “I am going to go down there and am going to kill that cunt,” he screamed again. He didn’t leave the house which is why I didn’t call it in and eventually he calmed himself down. I stood in silence as I my eyes climbed from the floor and I saw him, he was kneeling in the chair holding the firearm and then with a click the clip fell to the ground. I had been holding my breath and at the moment I watched it meet the carpet I was able to draw in a breath. Terrified, this vision plays over and over as I am now that woman he hates, the woman he will want to punish.
He was very good at rationalizing his anger and blaming his enemy. He would comfort me as I was suffering the aftermath of his emotional tyrants. Quickly I believed his promises of change since my personality was different and his love pledged to me. It was like quicksand as I rapidly became afraid to leave and just lived with the goal of making him happy. His smile, his gratitude of the “joy” I brought to his life…I was played with like a tiger fidgeting with a timid rabbit. Now I have to try and overcome this fear…this cycle of rage and control. I have fear and I have it for a reason.
Tonight I pray…Tomorrow I hope
~Nina~
July 5, 2010
Hollowed Pain…Rainfall Floods
So much flows through my mind. The entire experience at times just seems so surreal. My little girl stood at the window today and pointed across the yard. My heart broke as she expressed the knowledge that she could see her Daddy’s truck. Instantly I was swarmed with sadness as her eyes asked to go see him.
His vehicle there, his residence being next door is why I left my blinds closed constantly. The presence of his eyes peering into our home has left me feeling cornered. I feel like I am on the inside of a snow globe and he shakes up my entire world when he lashes out with aggression while he watches the sediment float all around me. My defense was to leave myself closed off from the world physically as well as emotionally. I realize this left power in his court as he knows I am still afraid and timid, but this was the only way I knew how to cope.
As I try and piece together myself to rise above I started to open my blinds again. With his physical location being in a secured location his vehicle remains in the driveway next door. At times I catch a glance of the little black SUV and become overwhelmed with emotion. Several events flash before my eyes and I struggle to breathe as my airway seems to constrict with concern for tomorrows possible outcome. He hates me and his anger will have festered for days…is tomorrow the day he decides to make me pay for all the wrong doing that he deems I have sparred on him? This day is why I didn’t want to do this. The guidance given to me assures me that I need to make this stance and break free from his chains, but my gut reaction is just to not anger him as it is safer for everyone involved.
Several times today I stood at the landing on my stairs and peered outside. My life, my entire existence is buckled into this roller coaster with no exit. The anxiety…the fear paralyzes me as I cave into the sadness. Alone, I stood there alone and watched the rain pour down. The droplets splashed my soul as I felt empty today. At what point does the climax stop leading to a plummet of this heartache? Concentration broke as my little girl pulled at my pants, “Momma, are you ok?” A small tear fell as I picked her up and told her, “I am now.” She wiped the moisture from my cheek and threw her arms around me. Silently I pledged my love for her and my boys, I promise to give them a future they deserve and opportunities of a lifetime.
This has been one of the longest days I have experienced yet. Every time I glanced at the clock it seemed that only five minutes passed though it felt like hours later. Even now I gaze at the time and feel as though my day just will never end…like this heartache slows everything just to pull at my essence. Compiled with the notion of avoidance I feel like I am just not worthy. Is there something wrong with me? Looking in the mirror I search for the fault, the disqualifying trait. Turning away the tears stream with failure, I feel the pressure of being nothing more than a let down.
I will crawl into bed and pray for a peaceful rest to rejuvenate my soul. I will fold my hands to beg for a veil of forgiveness. I will dig deep to search for the drive to continue this journey. I will wake up to a sunrise of serenity and allow the energy to envelop me—to guide me.
Sadness today, yes…Lost hope, no
~Nina~
His vehicle there, his residence being next door is why I left my blinds closed constantly. The presence of his eyes peering into our home has left me feeling cornered. I feel like I am on the inside of a snow globe and he shakes up my entire world when he lashes out with aggression while he watches the sediment float all around me. My defense was to leave myself closed off from the world physically as well as emotionally. I realize this left power in his court as he knows I am still afraid and timid, but this was the only way I knew how to cope.
As I try and piece together myself to rise above I started to open my blinds again. With his physical location being in a secured location his vehicle remains in the driveway next door. At times I catch a glance of the little black SUV and become overwhelmed with emotion. Several events flash before my eyes and I struggle to breathe as my airway seems to constrict with concern for tomorrows possible outcome. He hates me and his anger will have festered for days…is tomorrow the day he decides to make me pay for all the wrong doing that he deems I have sparred on him? This day is why I didn’t want to do this. The guidance given to me assures me that I need to make this stance and break free from his chains, but my gut reaction is just to not anger him as it is safer for everyone involved.
Several times today I stood at the landing on my stairs and peered outside. My life, my entire existence is buckled into this roller coaster with no exit. The anxiety…the fear paralyzes me as I cave into the sadness. Alone, I stood there alone and watched the rain pour down. The droplets splashed my soul as I felt empty today. At what point does the climax stop leading to a plummet of this heartache? Concentration broke as my little girl pulled at my pants, “Momma, are you ok?” A small tear fell as I picked her up and told her, “I am now.” She wiped the moisture from my cheek and threw her arms around me. Silently I pledged my love for her and my boys, I promise to give them a future they deserve and opportunities of a lifetime.
This has been one of the longest days I have experienced yet. Every time I glanced at the clock it seemed that only five minutes passed though it felt like hours later. Even now I gaze at the time and feel as though my day just will never end…like this heartache slows everything just to pull at my essence. Compiled with the notion of avoidance I feel like I am just not worthy. Is there something wrong with me? Looking in the mirror I search for the fault, the disqualifying trait. Turning away the tears stream with failure, I feel the pressure of being nothing more than a let down.
I will crawl into bed and pray for a peaceful rest to rejuvenate my soul. I will fold my hands to beg for a veil of forgiveness. I will dig deep to search for the drive to continue this journey. I will wake up to a sunrise of serenity and allow the energy to envelop me—to guide me.
Sadness today, yes…Lost hope, no
~Nina~
Independence Day…Liberty Rings
July 4, 2010
Yesterday…I sit here and stare at my blank page. Are there the words to describe my emotions for yesterday, the 4th of July? The start of my day left me warm, embracing hope. The conclusion of my day left me alone, standing in the rain.
Driving home presented me with a relaxed bout of time to ponder. I smiled as my arm wrapped around an emotion I began feeling comfortable with. The trailing softness down my neck seemed to invite a confidence of advancement. Open road, peace pouring down…the lifted spirit of a mutual smolder ventured my imagination as I visualized the rest of my day. The parting embrace lingered security and hope surfaced within.
Playing many emotions, re-living positive memories brought me to a happy place yesterday. I soaked up the hugs and kisses that awaited me when I picked up my amazing children. Serenity flowed…my day couldn’t get any better. The holiday was one of my favorites, my blessed trio was smiling, and I pictured an evening of closeness.
The clock ticked and the hours slipped by. Chloe promised she would stay up and knowing the excitement of fireworks I allowed her efforts to try. One by one each of my darlings fell asleep. When it was time to go I tried waking Chloe, but she didn’t want to go anymore. With each of them drifted deep in to dreamland, I kissed each of their foreheads. “Good night, Momma loves you,” I whispered to each of them as they rested with innocence.
I walked outside only to be swallowed by the darkness and the rain. Meandering to my back yard I questioned if I would be able to see the fireworks from my house as I live up on a little hill. Waiting for the show to start my heart became sad as my soul swamped with hurt. I was completely alone. The rain trickled from the sky and looking above the emotion welled in my eyes.
The first explosion of colored light illuminated the sky. Weakness surrounded my body and I began to cry. The thunder billowed through the sky and each display of light burst surfaced a stream of moisture down my face. There I was July 4, 2010 and completely alone. The personal liberty, the chains breaking, his control of me dissolved…my opportunity to rise above the damage of my experience with domestic abuse, yes it was a very emotional moment and one I struggled to grasp. Independence, the celebration of our nation’s freedom and I sobbed as this day meant so much more.
Burying my face into my hands I felt my emotional foundation crumble. My heart burned as this isn’t what I imagined when I pictured watching the firework show last night. The finale was approaching and the sparks flew in so many directions with a vast array of colors. Each represented an experience I have endured over the past six months. Then without warning there was silence; it was over. I just curled up into a ball and soaked up the rain…the struggles, the emotions, the resistance, the need for survival all dampened my essence. Can I do this…will I be strong enough rise above? I pray, that is all I can do.
Freedom represented...Symbolism overwhelmed
~Nina~
Yesterday…I sit here and stare at my blank page. Are there the words to describe my emotions for yesterday, the 4th of July? The start of my day left me warm, embracing hope. The conclusion of my day left me alone, standing in the rain.
Driving home presented me with a relaxed bout of time to ponder. I smiled as my arm wrapped around an emotion I began feeling comfortable with. The trailing softness down my neck seemed to invite a confidence of advancement. Open road, peace pouring down…the lifted spirit of a mutual smolder ventured my imagination as I visualized the rest of my day. The parting embrace lingered security and hope surfaced within.
Playing many emotions, re-living positive memories brought me to a happy place yesterday. I soaked up the hugs and kisses that awaited me when I picked up my amazing children. Serenity flowed…my day couldn’t get any better. The holiday was one of my favorites, my blessed trio was smiling, and I pictured an evening of closeness.
The clock ticked and the hours slipped by. Chloe promised she would stay up and knowing the excitement of fireworks I allowed her efforts to try. One by one each of my darlings fell asleep. When it was time to go I tried waking Chloe, but she didn’t want to go anymore. With each of them drifted deep in to dreamland, I kissed each of their foreheads. “Good night, Momma loves you,” I whispered to each of them as they rested with innocence.
I walked outside only to be swallowed by the darkness and the rain. Meandering to my back yard I questioned if I would be able to see the fireworks from my house as I live up on a little hill. Waiting for the show to start my heart became sad as my soul swamped with hurt. I was completely alone. The rain trickled from the sky and looking above the emotion welled in my eyes.
The first explosion of colored light illuminated the sky. Weakness surrounded my body and I began to cry. The thunder billowed through the sky and each display of light burst surfaced a stream of moisture down my face. There I was July 4, 2010 and completely alone. The personal liberty, the chains breaking, his control of me dissolved…my opportunity to rise above the damage of my experience with domestic abuse, yes it was a very emotional moment and one I struggled to grasp. Independence, the celebration of our nation’s freedom and I sobbed as this day meant so much more.
Burying my face into my hands I felt my emotional foundation crumble. My heart burned as this isn’t what I imagined when I pictured watching the firework show last night. The finale was approaching and the sparks flew in so many directions with a vast array of colors. Each represented an experience I have endured over the past six months. Then without warning there was silence; it was over. I just curled up into a ball and soaked up the rain…the struggles, the emotions, the resistance, the need for survival all dampened my essence. Can I do this…will I be strong enough rise above? I pray, that is all I can do.
Freedom represented...Symbolism overwhelmed
~Nina~
Wedding Bliss…Love Pondered
July 3, 2010
Saturday morning I woke up with the agenda of preparing myself to attend a wedding. This wasn’t a couple I knew, but I was an acquaintance of someone who was a friend of the bride. All week I had envisioned what outfit I would wear, how I would style my hair, and the dance floor waiting for me. As I combed my hair I wondered emotionally how I would be able to handle this witness to marriage, to a love so pure.
The bride was absolutely beautiful. The image of a woman on her wedding day is beyond fathomable because the beauty radiates leaving her groom as well as the guests breathless. As I sat back, I watched them hold hands and vow to each other...my heart pulsed happiness for them. The pride in the groom’s eyes melted as he took his bride by the hand to he lead her down the aisle towards their new journey together as husband and wife. Congratulations and good luck to the blissful couple.
Being in an area I had never ventured in before, with people I have never met, allowed me to lower my guard to embrace the music that filled the room. Stepping onto the dance floor was electrifying as the beat traveled up my legs and into my soul. I felt weightless as my hips swayed and my arms raised with the melody. Running my fingers through my hair, sending seduction as my entire body let loose presented invite as I danced with the person I came with. Direct heat rose between us and yearn of physical contact brought forth a lust of animalistic desire. The image is more of a dream than a reality.
Throughout the day I wondered if I ever would find love again. Intimidation creeps through me as I ponder something long-term. What takes a couple to 50 years? Is there someone out there that would have the stamina, the endurance to face a day with me? My confidence is low that someone will stick around with the circumstances that I have…frankly, I wouldn’t blame them. There is a void as I feel there is something wrong with me, like I am not worthy of a connection with someone…of the vitality of a love so pure with deep innocence.
A day of celebration for a level of the deepest love pure is a couple’s wedding day. The sky was clear blue with a crisp breeze, perfect conditions to venture into their marriage together. I wish them a blessed future of great happiness, devoted compassion, and pure love. So here I stand…raise your glass, to the bride and groom!
Love so beautiful…Devotion was shared
~Nina~
Saturday morning I woke up with the agenda of preparing myself to attend a wedding. This wasn’t a couple I knew, but I was an acquaintance of someone who was a friend of the bride. All week I had envisioned what outfit I would wear, how I would style my hair, and the dance floor waiting for me. As I combed my hair I wondered emotionally how I would be able to handle this witness to marriage, to a love so pure.
The bride was absolutely beautiful. The image of a woman on her wedding day is beyond fathomable because the beauty radiates leaving her groom as well as the guests breathless. As I sat back, I watched them hold hands and vow to each other...my heart pulsed happiness for them. The pride in the groom’s eyes melted as he took his bride by the hand to he lead her down the aisle towards their new journey together as husband and wife. Congratulations and good luck to the blissful couple.
Being in an area I had never ventured in before, with people I have never met, allowed me to lower my guard to embrace the music that filled the room. Stepping onto the dance floor was electrifying as the beat traveled up my legs and into my soul. I felt weightless as my hips swayed and my arms raised with the melody. Running my fingers through my hair, sending seduction as my entire body let loose presented invite as I danced with the person I came with. Direct heat rose between us and yearn of physical contact brought forth a lust of animalistic desire. The image is more of a dream than a reality.
Throughout the day I wondered if I ever would find love again. Intimidation creeps through me as I ponder something long-term. What takes a couple to 50 years? Is there someone out there that would have the stamina, the endurance to face a day with me? My confidence is low that someone will stick around with the circumstances that I have…frankly, I wouldn’t blame them. There is a void as I feel there is something wrong with me, like I am not worthy of a connection with someone…of the vitality of a love so pure with deep innocence.
A day of celebration for a level of the deepest love pure is a couple’s wedding day. The sky was clear blue with a crisp breeze, perfect conditions to venture into their marriage together. I wish them a blessed future of great happiness, devoted compassion, and pure love. So here I stand…raise your glass, to the bride and groom!
Love so beautiful…Devotion was shared
~Nina~
July 2, 2010
Tossed Out…Assortment Separated
Today was an entire day with a roller coaster of emotions. Thinking about the cycle he has brought to my life just leaves me sick. I was able to talk to a couple of individuals and the ability to verbally throw my feelings on the table did help. Walking myself through the jumbled mess gave me the ability to sort things out. I could separate manipulation from control while grabbing the reigns to my own life.
While mowing the lawn tonight everything raced through my mind. I walked back and forth and as I swiped the grass I saw this clean cut, cared for land. I realized that just as my yard must be tended to often, so did I. My goal for the weekend is to have a good time, relax, and enjoy the holiday with my children.
Tonight I put the emotional turmoil on one end of the table and my life on the other. I am focused on the end that holds what I can control…myself, my existence. It is like sorting out the jelly beans, right now my favorites are in my hand. I want to savor the sweetness and live with liberty. Tomorrow I will have the chance to let my hair down…embrace my womanhood.
Until tomorrow…Adventure awaits
~Nina~
While mowing the lawn tonight everything raced through my mind. I walked back and forth and as I swiped the grass I saw this clean cut, cared for land. I realized that just as my yard must be tended to often, so did I. My goal for the weekend is to have a good time, relax, and enjoy the holiday with my children.
Tonight I put the emotional turmoil on one end of the table and my life on the other. I am focused on the end that holds what I can control…myself, my existence. It is like sorting out the jelly beans, right now my favorites are in my hand. I want to savor the sweetness and live with liberty. Tomorrow I will have the chance to let my hair down…embrace my womanhood.
Until tomorrow…Adventure awaits
~Nina~
July 1, 2010
Why Revert...Painful Behavior
Tonight’s writing will be broke up into two separate entries. I wasn’t able to write last night, but the past two days have been havoc relived as the experience brings me back to a pain I never thought would surface again…
Two nights ago there was a knock at my door. The hour was late and I am not comfortable with the dark as it is, so I won’t answer the door after a certain time of the night. I ignored the knock, but it persisted. After mustering enough courage I crept to my front door. I prayed it wasn’t him and the face outside wasn’t which allowed me to relax a bit. The message received was the entrance to an event that has turned my world upside down once again.
Deciding that it wasn’t an urgent matter and that I would talk to my attorney in the morning, I went to bed. I had drifted into sleep and felt the darkness swallow me. The dream was extremely vivid as I felt his hands slowly creep around my neck. Within the nightmare I remember my eyes opening to his face, the man I have separated myself from…the man I fear. Anger consumed his eyes as he squeezed…I abruptly sat up in bed gasping for air. Bringing my hands to my neck, I realized it was only a dream. I placed my head back down on the pillow while wondering where this terror comes from since I hadn’t had a nightmare in a very long time. As I pulled up the covers my eyes caught a glance of movement…was I still dreaming? Panic lurched into my throat; I could see his silhouette standing at the top of the stairs. I reached for the light and feared the reality of him in the house. Nothing…he wasn’t there and my mind raced as I have no idea where this was coming from. My gut…the instinct that has proven time and time again to be spot on was alarming me. Fighting my body for two hours as I slipped back into sleep left me wondering the purpose of this message I was receiving.
I had been up several times throughout the night, but my morning proceeded with the normal routine of getting ready and taking my children to daycare. I was at work and something just didn’t feel right. I connected with my attorney and the realm of familiar anxiety and fear smacked me right in the face. The remainder of my day slipped through my fingers and I was at a stand still with a blur surrounding me.
Immediately I saw the man that terrified me on many occasions as I had to report this violation. The filmstrip of past tyrant behavior played through the forefront of my mind. The rage in his eyes, the stiffened ire of his jaw as he blamed me…it was all there forcing me to want to crumble with insecurity and it worked.
I didn’t want to do this…I always tried to avoid making him mad and I knew this was crossing his line again regardless if he was the one putting himself in this position. The internal struggle of pulling out of the black hole of his power of me brought intense nausea and a flood of tears. My initial desire is to run…flight. I don’t want this battle; I have never wanted this cycle of chaos. Why does he continue to press boundaries and put me in a place of deep hurt?
Last night…the complete loneliness swallowed me as the roller coaster of his control tries to continually grasp at me while I walk along the path of my life. Here it had wrapped itself around my wrist and began pulling with a violent tug. Curling up into a ball, I sobbed. My heart clawed with the vast emotion of again being on the receiving end of emotional abuse. I fell asleep thinking about how physical abuse has become more desirable at this point. A physical bruise heals without a mark as it will fade, but this emotional wound he has slashed open presses a weakness that forces me to my knees. The exhaustion kills me as my heart bleeds and the beating of life fades. This will never be over…I just pray he will stop.
Future…Doesn’t feel possible
~Nina~
Two nights ago there was a knock at my door. The hour was late and I am not comfortable with the dark as it is, so I won’t answer the door after a certain time of the night. I ignored the knock, but it persisted. After mustering enough courage I crept to my front door. I prayed it wasn’t him and the face outside wasn’t which allowed me to relax a bit. The message received was the entrance to an event that has turned my world upside down once again.
Deciding that it wasn’t an urgent matter and that I would talk to my attorney in the morning, I went to bed. I had drifted into sleep and felt the darkness swallow me. The dream was extremely vivid as I felt his hands slowly creep around my neck. Within the nightmare I remember my eyes opening to his face, the man I have separated myself from…the man I fear. Anger consumed his eyes as he squeezed…I abruptly sat up in bed gasping for air. Bringing my hands to my neck, I realized it was only a dream. I placed my head back down on the pillow while wondering where this terror comes from since I hadn’t had a nightmare in a very long time. As I pulled up the covers my eyes caught a glance of movement…was I still dreaming? Panic lurched into my throat; I could see his silhouette standing at the top of the stairs. I reached for the light and feared the reality of him in the house. Nothing…he wasn’t there and my mind raced as I have no idea where this was coming from. My gut…the instinct that has proven time and time again to be spot on was alarming me. Fighting my body for two hours as I slipped back into sleep left me wondering the purpose of this message I was receiving.
I had been up several times throughout the night, but my morning proceeded with the normal routine of getting ready and taking my children to daycare. I was at work and something just didn’t feel right. I connected with my attorney and the realm of familiar anxiety and fear smacked me right in the face. The remainder of my day slipped through my fingers and I was at a stand still with a blur surrounding me.
Immediately I saw the man that terrified me on many occasions as I had to report this violation. The filmstrip of past tyrant behavior played through the forefront of my mind. The rage in his eyes, the stiffened ire of his jaw as he blamed me…it was all there forcing me to want to crumble with insecurity and it worked.
I didn’t want to do this…I always tried to avoid making him mad and I knew this was crossing his line again regardless if he was the one putting himself in this position. The internal struggle of pulling out of the black hole of his power of me brought intense nausea and a flood of tears. My initial desire is to run…flight. I don’t want this battle; I have never wanted this cycle of chaos. Why does he continue to press boundaries and put me in a place of deep hurt?
Last night…the complete loneliness swallowed me as the roller coaster of his control tries to continually grasp at me while I walk along the path of my life. Here it had wrapped itself around my wrist and began pulling with a violent tug. Curling up into a ball, I sobbed. My heart clawed with the vast emotion of again being on the receiving end of emotional abuse. I fell asleep thinking about how physical abuse has become more desirable at this point. A physical bruise heals without a mark as it will fade, but this emotional wound he has slashed open presses a weakness that forces me to my knees. The exhaustion kills me as my heart bleeds and the beating of life fades. This will never be over…I just pray he will stop.
Future…Doesn’t feel possible
~Nina~
Rising Trepidation...Doubt Strangles
The day has been extremely difficult. I was wide awake hours before my alarm clock chirped. What am I going to do? How did I get here? Why again has he brought us here? My mind raced of these questions and more. My body seemed to be on autopilot as I showered and dressed for the day. It came time to roust my darling angels out of bed so we could go about our day as usual and my brain engaged as soon as I stood next to my son’s crib. My children need me; they need the structure to foster a healthy childhood.
As I put the vehicle in reverse I questioned my strength. I hesitated as I transitioned from going backward to going forward. If I can mechanically do this daily, why can’t I emotionally allow the past to fall behind me and get my footsteps going in a forward motion? As I looked in the rearview mirror I saw three precious faces. I was flooded with emotion while becoming unable to answer that question. My children have no idea as to what is going on with their father. The tears pour from my heart while the innocence of their lives are over looked as he tries to hurt me.
Kissing my babies good-bye I struggled to walk out of daycare with composure. Doubt torrents my soul as he constantly told me, “If you ever get me put in jail it will be your fault the kids grow up without a Dad.” He played my heart strings. I cherish my position as a mother while my drive comes from the value of my goals to do what is best for my children and he knew this would tear me apart…it was a huge reason why I didn’t defend myself in the first place on the second wave of his violence. I can understand that he made the decision to violate and the repercussions are of his own doing, but he also has manipulated me enough to struggle with the notion that the trickled suffrage to our children is my responsibility. I am left to again question myself as I lost the security of knowing that I am a good, smart, and level-headed person.
Evaluating where I am at this moment I feel like I am at square one once again, but on the other hand I also feel the ability to calm the instant urge to cry and pressing need to vomit with more control then before. No doubt I am scared of the near future and fear his response, but I have to trust the people that are trying to help me with great efforts of keeping us safe. This is not easy…not a moment of this presents me with a breath that doesn’t hurt, but I will keep trying to focus on the idea that there is possibly a light at the end of this tunnel.
There was a song that was brought to my attention today. I listened to the lyrics over and over again. The words brought me courage today…
~Life Ain’t Always Beautiful~ By: Gary Allan
Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart
Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day
But the struggles makes you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin' it sweet time
[chorus]
No,life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride
Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin' all these lonely miles
And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life don't work that way
But the struggles makes me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has its own way of takin' its sweet time
No, life ain't always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Hey, life ain't always beautiful
But its a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride
At any moment things can change. I have no idea what will be waiting for me to face tomorrow, but I will attempt to stand tall. Each day I will stack another brick of resilience and before long the madness of this entire cycle will not phase me anymore. As I have coached myself before…one foot in front of the other.
Resistance to doubt…Knowledge of assurance
~Nina~
As I put the vehicle in reverse I questioned my strength. I hesitated as I transitioned from going backward to going forward. If I can mechanically do this daily, why can’t I emotionally allow the past to fall behind me and get my footsteps going in a forward motion? As I looked in the rearview mirror I saw three precious faces. I was flooded with emotion while becoming unable to answer that question. My children have no idea as to what is going on with their father. The tears pour from my heart while the innocence of their lives are over looked as he tries to hurt me.
Kissing my babies good-bye I struggled to walk out of daycare with composure. Doubt torrents my soul as he constantly told me, “If you ever get me put in jail it will be your fault the kids grow up without a Dad.” He played my heart strings. I cherish my position as a mother while my drive comes from the value of my goals to do what is best for my children and he knew this would tear me apart…it was a huge reason why I didn’t defend myself in the first place on the second wave of his violence. I can understand that he made the decision to violate and the repercussions are of his own doing, but he also has manipulated me enough to struggle with the notion that the trickled suffrage to our children is my responsibility. I am left to again question myself as I lost the security of knowing that I am a good, smart, and level-headed person.
Evaluating where I am at this moment I feel like I am at square one once again, but on the other hand I also feel the ability to calm the instant urge to cry and pressing need to vomit with more control then before. No doubt I am scared of the near future and fear his response, but I have to trust the people that are trying to help me with great efforts of keeping us safe. This is not easy…not a moment of this presents me with a breath that doesn’t hurt, but I will keep trying to focus on the idea that there is possibly a light at the end of this tunnel.
There was a song that was brought to my attention today. I listened to the lyrics over and over again. The words brought me courage today…
~Life Ain’t Always Beautiful~ By: Gary Allan
Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart
Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day
But the struggles makes you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin' it sweet time
[chorus]
No,life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride
Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin' all these lonely miles
And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life don't work that way
But the struggles makes me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has its own way of takin' its sweet time
No, life ain't always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Hey, life ain't always beautiful
But its a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride
At any moment things can change. I have no idea what will be waiting for me to face tomorrow, but I will attempt to stand tall. Each day I will stack another brick of resilience and before long the madness of this entire cycle will not phase me anymore. As I have coached myself before…one foot in front of the other.
Resistance to doubt…Knowledge of assurance
~Nina~
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