The time has come and the man I have separated from, the man that is legally my husband was released today. How do I feel? I am not sure. Numbness has kept me calm. Distraction has been my greatest tool. I stayed home as today is the holiday and remained within the house. I also enjoyed some company which brought relief to the lonely and uneasy feeling. Before I knew it the day was over and here I am reflecting on something I have attempted to avoid all day.
Is it possible to evade something enough that it just doesn’t seem real? Of course, I use to do that when I lived with the abuse. I dodged the reality of his behavior for what it was because I was too ashamed to swallow my role as a victim. I thought I was smarter than that to be sucked into a vicious cycle…to surrender all control to another person as he violated my life on many levels. I found ways to take responsibility for his actions towards me, I believed him as I was sentenced to fault. If I changed and became what he wanted then he would change right? No, the two and a half years I have been around this I am left with the harsh reality that it doesn’t change and the only thing I have is hope to evolve with this process of surviving from it all.
As I remember that coping mechanism of prevaricating while living with it as well as when I initially left I am faced with the conclusion that I again have surfaced that ability to numb my essence and totally avoid the reality of today. I just think that I should be waking from a dream where this all has been nothing but a long and drawn out nightmare.
The fact is…this is not an illusion or a bad dream. All I am left to do is take a deep breath and hope…
What I hope for, what I pray for presses the weight through my mind right now. I hope things become uneventful. I hope there is no attempt at contact or violation to the order. I hope things can be set up with visitation in a timely manner. I pray that he has found something inside that will present him with life changing mannerisms. I hope he wakes with out anger and falls asleep with efforts to strive for a quality of better health. I pray I can remain energized and free of extreme emotion as I have come to a place I never thought I would have…tranquility. Most importantly I hope the fear maintains at bay.
Please may the seed of strength flourished deep roots…
~Nina~
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