September 20, 2010

For this is Farewell…

How do you even begin to say good-bye? I feel like I am in so many pieces and as I try to put them together I feel this urge to give up. I met with someone today that allows me to venture through my emotions. I kept saying, “I don’t know,” over and over without a question being asked of me. I feel so Goddamn lost and just want clarity so bad. I feel like my life was taken away from me and it just continues to trickle until one by one I have few people to turn to. Ones I love so dearly can’t handle seeing me or hearing, even reading what it is that I go through. I know this has effected people, I know it is draining…I live it everyday and carry the weight of pure exhaustion as each day feels like three. I have had moments, days, even a month where I haven’t felt like a prisoner, but now I again feel kidnapped from a life I want so badly to live without pain. As a toddler begins to learn how to walk, we as parents don’t lose hope as the first stumbles appear to be the time our child will take off, but then wait another few weeks, or months before they actually walk. We know they will walk again and forever forward, I feel like people are losing faith in me…maybe it is me losing belief.

At this moment I feel more alone than I thought could actually be possible. Over weeks and conversations I have felt this pull from me. I feel this dying distance that tears at my heart as someone would feel as they would with the loss of their best friend. I surrender my efforts. With doing that I have a river of sorrow pour down my face as I want to call and just explain one last thing, but it won’t bring back what has been taken from me. This has changed everything and I feel nothing but heartbroken as I watch things crumble…my foundation falls at my feet without my being able to stop it.

Hanging up the phone I knew that it was time, at that moment I realized more than I could handle. Maintaining composure for the next 20 minutes…no, I was so numb that my brainstem is what kept me breathing. When the emotions caught up with me I had a flood gate. I felt so sad as I have this feeling of loss. I felt angry as he has affected every relationship I have. I felt solemn as I bowed my head and decided to fade into the surroundings.

These pages have brought me a comfort as I mulled through much despair and hopelessness. This isn’t easy to lay the parting letters into my good-bye. Where I go from here needs to be on my own and without witness. Thank you to everyone who has followed, expressed a fallen tear, or embraced serenity with a growing hope. The months have been here and there, up and down, but at the end of the day they collectively brought me to where I am right now. I know what I need to do….



September 19, 2010

Flavors Dreamt…Cuisine Lived

Today has been a day of peace. Very busy as I get up with my little ones and it is breakfast, clean-up, dressing, dishes, playing, and by the time we made it just to the morning nap, I was having to get other things done before getting lunch together just in time for the boys to wake up and start over with meals, clean-up, dishes, and more. I didn’t sit down until after bathes. We had then all cuddled up on the couch with a book with the faint sound of a movie playing in the background. The focus of my day was my adventure in the kitchen today.

Cooking is an activity I have always enjoyed. I am pretty mechanical and can follow a recipe with the outcome matching the picture, but I have always wanted to just start grabbing ingredients to bring my own masterpiece alive. As I ventured to the freezer I reached down and picked up a frozen package…instantly my mind started to go wild with the possibilities. I didn’t open a cookbook, I just went on instinct. I wasn’t going for gourmet, but edible and I more than succeeded. As I divided it up for our week I was feeling accomplished as I enjoyed my time just doing something I wanted to do as well as brought a game plan to our suppers. Our weekdays are demanding and the key is to plan ahead.

Other than that, I am at this moment unsure of how I feel. I have this lost haze about my thoughts, with a dash of emptiness. I do pretty good through out the day as I am distracted with diapers, giggles, chores, and more. It is when I turn down the lights, rock them good night, and lay them down for the evening that I become vulnerable. Being alone isn’t something that is easy, but accepted as my normal. Regardless though, I am not sure I will ever harvest a comfort in the solitude…but I will do what I need to do and that is this.

I am proud of myself with my quest in the kitchen the past two days. I have plenty of scrumptious options awaiting for us through out the week. I do think I am going to go with the flow this evening and just allow myself to chill with this mellow, laid back emotion. It has been an overwhelming and very emotional week. I pray that stepping into Monday will bring a better week.

Crossing my fingers…


September 18, 2010

Remember as Why…Will to Continue

Reading my posts from the previous seven entries, the information gathered is that I have had some recent, intense struggle. Three days ago I wrote I might not come back. The last three days I have done plenty of crying, searching, thinking, and more. Each night I sat down at the computer and stared at a blank page only to feel completely lost with the heavy sense of emptiness. I couldn’t decide if I wanted or should quit completely. My raging emotions left me unable to get a few of the people I want so badly to understand, to hear what I was saying, and grasp the understanding of what I am going through as well as why. I hadn’t eaten a majority of the days this last week while the others had little ingested. As I dwindled both physically and emotionally I realized that I can’t quit writing, it has become the vice of surviving this…addressing my emotions while working through them. I need to remember why I started this, why I have done this, and why I will continue this…

The realization that I will get anyone to fully understand what I have gone through and how it affects me day to day is unlikely. Though my efforts everyday of articulating this emotional journey can help bring insight to what I am going through, this is for my purposes…my journal to surviving more than life itself. Writing each day brings light to my most intimate emotions for that day or an experience. As the visualized feelings become vivid you can almost feel them yourself, but remember as anyone walks this earth…what is presented on the outside doesn’t determine the possible pieces laying everywhere within. You have a sneak peek to my insides, which doesn’t reflect the person everyone sees, works with, or walks by each day.

From the beginning I have sought out resources to help me work through all of these ups and downs as well as to bring understanding within. I had no idea what I would be faced with or how there are involuntary responses to the various aspects of recovering. Again I stood before the blackboard trying to piece together a game plan to work through this sudden swing of emotions…my illuminated fear. I have thought about my journey so far and what has brought me success as well as some things I have avoided. I received another book; while I went to my bookshelf to take off the first book I was handed many months ago. I will be working through both these readings to help me become more knowledgeable. My continued efforts will build from how far I have already come.

I was presented challenge today. The specifics are not important, but the great sense of loss and disappointment cultivated a moment of heavy emotion. Facing the reality of losing something that I was proud of and worked hard for had devastated me as I signed along the line. I looked up through the blurry shield of tears falling. The lady touched my hand and said, “Things will get better. You will rise above.” A complete stranger took a moment to help instill faith for me, that is more than valued…she touched my heart. Frozen, I closed my eyes to replay the words she expressed. I bowed my head, took a deep breath, and lifted my chin. Upon the connection of our eyes I returned with a whisper, “Thank you.”

Part of moving forward is forcing yourself…pushing yourself to keep placing one foot in front of the other. Waking up this morning I realized that I have done it before and I need to do it again. The emotions, the extreme range of emotions have once again suppressed my appetite for days. As I became so distracted by this emotional experience and my duties of each day I didn’t feel hungry and forgot to remind myself to eat. This morning I stopped myself and made breakfast a requirement. That first swallow gagged me, the nutrition is necessary as is the psychological power it brings. I maintained my strength and followed through with an entire day of proper nutrition. As I mustered the focus to myself I needed to do more today than just eat. All day I told myself, “If you can eat, you can write.” Here I am, not giving up on the one thing that has brought me so far. As breakfast was a struggle, so has been this entry. So many times I have wanted to close the screen and many times I have gotten up to walk away, but I focused on the bigger picture. The investment, the energy spent will only pay forward ten fold. I am here for me.

Determination an ember…Motivation an accelerant


September 15, 2010

Not Tonight

I am not going to be writing to night. I am not sure if I will even write anymore. Today has been more than I need right now. Additional events stacked on top of this vault of already established difficulty from Monday, I just have nothing. I want nothing, I feel lonely and scared, I am truly just lost. I don’t enjoy this and again struggle with not being able to provide understanding to just what it is to go through this and how it affects you. I have this doubt about myself that is worse then before. It has been one of the worse days to date and I feel like I am in a million pieces that don’t fit together.

I found this quote…

“Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something, and has lost something” ~Author Unknown~

There is no right or wrong way to heal. There is not the ability to “just fix” this or flip a switch that allows this pain to dissolve without residual reoccurrences. Everyone’s time line and process to heal is different. Understanding may not be accomplished which leads one to protect themselves from the anticipated reactions that are received repeatedly and leaving the option of shutting down or shutting people out a desired option. Support and love is the only thing necessary

Unsure if I will be back…


Pain so Deep…Lonely no Cure

Last night was a night of great sorrow and a pain I never want to experience again. The reality is that I have before felt this pain and I will again some day. There is no getting away from this. I receive a letter that effected me in a way I didn’t think would. A conversation then followed that didn’t get anything much more accomplished then feeling like I had this black hole inside. I was hurt badly and I don’t know how to recover from this, from last night, or from the future that awaits me.

As I read the words and formed the understanding I couldn’t hold anything back. I sobbed uncontrollably. I could breathe and began to feel my stomach churn. Getting close to people is something I just no longer want to do…because the loss of something I worked for, I cherished has sunken into the shadows leaving me feel unsecure. A set of arms that lifted me have now become different. Laying awake most of the night I pleaded for God to just stop, to stop with the weight and the continued loss.

My conversation left me feeling frustrated as someone I want to understand doesn’t. I want to just quit trying to get people to understand. It is a roller coaster for me, I do great for days, weeks, a month…then within a day or two the weight I am presented with caves me. I am told this is normal by the resources I seek, but those then conflicts with the views of others, of the person I talked to last night. What am I? I feel broken and I already feel like a failure…like a huge let down, hearing the words I did last night only added to my solemn heart.

I would like to say I have never cried as hard as I did last night, but I have. I would like to say I have never lain awake so long, but I have. I would like to say this is the only morning I have not wanted to get out of bed, but it isn’t. I would like to say I have never felt this empty, but I have. I feel lost, so lost I am unsure how or if I can be found. Giving up on love, happiness, and healing is honestly at this moment something that feels desirable. I have considered to stop writing, this doesn’t help anyone…this blog. I have considered just falling off the radar and dissolving into the surroundings until I am unnoticed, just another person walking the streets.

Why keep trying…I seek all the appropriate resources and I have all the strength I can find to pull me out of a hole, I start feeling alive and then things change within one day. If for one second you think I am holding on to this, you are wrong. For some damn reason this hold has latched to my wrist and pulls without warning. Maybe I am not strong….maybe I am not what you believe I am. For that, I apologize.

Moving into my day, I am unsure just what is out there waiting for me. Frankly I don’t want to know, but I refuse to have a lurking depression win. I will go to work, I will be a success. My kids will wake up and see the woman I am as I love them more than they know. I will bring brightness to their day. I will continue to utilize the resources I have and just pray…because I am not the person that will give up or quit regardless of how strong that feeling is.

Wondering hour…Day left of live


September 14, 2010

Dominos do Fall…Another disheartened Day

Most of my day I thought about what to write or how to find just the right words to articulate how I am feeling and here I am…a mess. The complete whirlwind of emotions from yesterday has left myself and many others confused. I have no expectation that anyone will fully understand this struggle, the internal turmoil of learning how to become resilient to a cycle that has consumed them long enough to present this feeling of irreversible damage. I have worried, been scared, felt lost, and more today. How do I reach the ones I need to…how do I better explain?

There is so much going on and the pressure has built over the last few days, even a week. There is the wonder on my having stepped backwards and just how far I have gone. Last night I just wanted the pain to stop. As I look back, 24 hours ago, I have this vision of myself being frozen and everything swirling out of control as I became dizzy. So many emotions whipped by as well as scenarios and faces. Anticipating disappointment and distance from some has been my greatest fear. Is it fair that I continue to feel ashamed and to accept myself as a failure? Maybe it isn’t, though it is how I feel.

I feel like I am going to be forced to package up something that has meant so much to me. Altered, it has become altered. Reassurance of it being a bump and nothing more hasn’t left me assured at all. I can feel it in my bones; yesterday’s events will plant that seed, the starting point of doubt. Being able to read, understand, and feel mannerisms of another has been this gift that haunts me. It doesn’t take much for me to pick up on just how this will go. Just thinking about this dissolving treasure leaves me heartbroken. The emotions trickle down my face as I become even more alone. This will not be an easy adjustment…I pray it isn’t good-bye.

Day by day leaves this uncertainty that can change things within an hour, a minute, even a second. Right now there is a pain that hurts so deep that it brings more than a numb feeling, it has brought a sense of emptiness. I don’t want to reach out to anyone because I don’t want to again explain the river of emotion that pours with the words. I don’t want to meet anyone new because I don’t want to have to shed light to what I have gone through which has brought me to where I am and why I break down. Is my destiny to be alone? Can I be alone? I don’t want to hurt anyone and this chaos I have been forced to deal with has me trying to protect others making the lonely option the most functional.

As I try and focus I have this awful heaviness in my stomach. I feel sick. I am afraid there just are not enough of the right words to help express how I feel. I tried, tonight the listed above has been my best effort. I feel swallowed and empty. God, if you can hear me, I pray that I can sleep tonight, I pray that tomorrow sheds some sort of light to my darkness, and I pray this pain eases.

Please, I am begging…


September 13, 2010

Struggles to Comply…Caved to Response

Waking up this morning was difficult. It was as though my subconscious already knew what my day was going to consist of. I opened my eyes, looked at my alarm clock, and then gazed out the window. Every possible question ran through my mind. Have I made the right choices? How did I get here? Why haven’t I written in two days? Can I grow professionally? Will I be successful at raising my children? Will they value hard work and respect others? Is there something more that I can be doing? Is there something more I should be doing? Will I be ok? As there were so many more questions that raced through my mind, I felt a single tear roll down my left cheek. I knew today was going to be a hurricane of emotion…it was.

After dropping off my little ones at daycare this morning, I looked into the rearview mirror and without notice felt this lump lodge in my throat. I wanted to swallow, but I couldn’t. I was fighting the involuntary welling of tears. As I drove to work I was able to mull through the unsuspected emotion and shift my focus to something different.

Going about my day was a distraction, but there lingered that urge to just sit down and cry. Why? Where does this come from? The confusion just swirls around me until I take the time to just confront it. Today I didn’t want to, I just wanted to be left alone.

Having an appointment this afternoon left me feeling a little uneasy as I wasn’t sure how it would go. I had so many questions and just really want to figure the remaining pieces so the process can move forward. As I sat down a list was handed across the table. With each line I read, the room became more hazed. I couldn’t breathe and I could feel the anxiety rise as it took over my body. My heart was racing as this was a piece to explain his frame of mind right now. Shear confusion rushed, I wondered how…why? Instantly I felt this need to curl up, to give in. My ring flashed in the forefront of my mind. All his interpreted rules of his behavior weighed on me like that of a ton of bricks. I could see the people around me talking, but I couldn’t fully take anything in or understand.

I walked out of the building and felt dizzy as the world whipped by. Someone walked me to my car and I was a shell, looking forward, I struggled to just isolate myself from everyone. It is safer for me if I just abide by his invisible hold…if I just cave to the control. Getting into my vehicle I was overwhelmed with sickness. The nausea was captivating and my body shook. Putting the vehicle in drive opened the flood gate. Emotion fell from my eyes, soaking my soul. I needed a few minutes to compose myself, I couldn’t pick my children up with this train-wreck appearance.

Pulling into the parking lot, I had arrived to a place that has become a home away from home. This is where the journey began; this is where the knowledge was presented…where the support began. I didn’t make it far before I ran into the bathroom. Hunched over I heaved so violently that my eyes hurt. Leaning back I flushed only to feel defeated. Crumbled there on the floor I sobbed…I am unsure what to do anymore. Pulling myself together I stood with a timid posture. Finally I made it to my office and as I sat down, yet again another river flowed from my eyes. I pulled at my shirt, I couldn’t breathe. At that time of the day there is no one around and I just felt safe enough to let things go. After a few minutes I had the urgency to go pick up my blessed trio. I needed them; I needed their smiles…their innocence.

Making it home I started with our routine. I maintain composure while in front of my children, I do not want this robbing them of their childhood…I do not want them to worry or be encased with sadness. They need to laugh, play, and live life through a child’s eyes…they do not need to be swarmed with the adult world or adult concepts. Though feeling uneasy inside, I suppressed my emotional needs until they all went to bed. Tucking each of them in I whispered, “I love you. Sweet dreams.” Walking down the stairs I halted at the landing. The silent stream flowed and I at that moment caved.

I paced the house. I was fighting the urge…the need. I pulled my wedding ring out and stared at it. Shaking my head I set it down. I can’t do this, I cannot let him win. Again, the list I was presented with flashed in front of my face, the conversation replayed through my mind. The overwhelming reality of what truly is going through his mind and gaining some insight to his state all became too much. I couldn’t breathe, my head pounded, and I began to shake. Stepping forward I gave in, I put my ring on.

Instantly there was a sense of relief. I cannot describe to anyone how hard it is to maintain strength, to stand my ground. Understanding why women go back…I know why they do, why I would. It is having the ability of knowing where he is, being able to read his behavior, and deciphering his mood. Getting through my days was being able to adjust to his state of mind at that moment. Not knowing, left wondering, having no ability to trust I am left to have no game plan. I am left waiting for him to become unhappy with me, to burn me with his eyes of fury. I wasn’t allowed to stand up to him, to be intolerant of his treatment towards me. When I did I was told that, “I will not meet you to get the kids. The kids only come here if you come here. If you don’t then you can explain to their Grandparents why they didn’t get to see them on Thanksgiving.” Knowing just how I would be treated I didn’t want to, but did on the behalf of my children and their Grandparents as I didn’t want to take time, to take memories from them. If I didn’t control my emotions and had a break down I was scolded and ‘thanked’ for “embarrassing him in front of his family.” Being obedient has allowed me to survive…it kept an escalation at bay. Having this sense of obedience to him has allowed me to once again calm and hope for the avoidance of intensification to his underlying thrive for control.

Avoiding, yes I have avoided people tonight. I didn’t open my blinds, I didn’t respond to messages. As I write this next section the reference ‘you’ is for my audience. I will talk to you each as if it was one on one…

The anticipated disappointment from you is too much for me. I feel ashamed that I broke down and gave in. I feel as though I have let you down. Are you? Do you feel disappointed as you visualize my left hand again decorated with that of my ring? I don’t know how to bring an understanding, I just hope to give you enough that you will try to understand. I don’t even know what I expect other than you looking down upon my fold. It isn’t as easy as just deciding, “Don’t care. Just don’t let it bother you.” Please know that I try everyday and I will keep trying. I am doing the best that I can. I don’t want you to be mad, I don’t want you to leave. Do you know what if feels like to feel so damaged that even if someone did fall in love with me, they wouldn’t stay? He will take that from me too. I know that my choices have been correct and my children deserve to lead a life free from the chaos of domestic abuse. Just the experience of witnessing myself as a target is as damaging as being a target. I do what I do everyday for them. That is why I maintain the safety clause and rest assured I won’t revert entirely. Please, I just need this for a moment…please, keep believing in me.

…I apologize, but know I will keep trying.

As a victim…as a person of surrender, he truly had the control. I didn’t want to disappoint him, to upset him, to hear him yell. I had lost my ability to stand up for myself and I still struggle with that yet today. I pray it doesn’t cost me my entire life. I pray I can get through this with the strength I have conditioned for. I pray to feel whole again.

Emotional surrender…For a moment of calm