Layers will Capture the Detail

Earlier this afternoon I was greeted with another wave of overwhelming emotions. I haven’t been feeling all that great and I didn’t write last night due to physical illness. After receiving another persistent phone call today, I just couldn’t take it anymore. He got what he wanted when he told my lawyer that he was going to make my life miserable. I am swarmed by the creditors on the vehicle he blatantly stopped paying on regardless of his agreement and a court order because he wanted to hurt me. Everyday since I have suffered and more giving him the victory he searched for.

Beyond frustrated I sat down to put some feelings on paper. Then the tears began to stream down my face. I just want to give up. I keep wondering if I have it in me to stick this out without surrender. I feel like a prisoner. Everything…he has just about buried me in every area he can. As the water creeps I struggle to move as the current is strong, then it comes to my jaw line and I fear I will drown. At what point does everything just settle for good. When is this over?

Poetry is a way to express myself. When I sat down the lyrics poured out of my heart and down my face…

It's never enough, it doesn’t quit
Frustrated and sad, only to cry
Being chased daily, no rest to sit
Domino effect, my question why

His reason low, hurtful indeed
A claim of misery, I bring to him
In his mind, his right to plant seed
Misery to me, honestly he does win

Never my behavior, intentions of hurt
Only I loved him, devoted my soul
Pieces taken, with his over assert
Now this moment, empty I with this hole

After writing the verses I just had a surge of mixed emotions. I was frustrated! Never once did I act in a manor to deliberately hurt him. Working hard for everything I have, I brought what I could to the table…to this family, to the marriage. I have been forced into a loss of a foundation I had been building since I was 16 years old. I have been taken to the knees and held down consistently on many emotional levels. Now as I try to stand there is yet another pressing issue or emotions resisting my endeavors. I gave him everything I had!!! Sure, say it like others have, “It won’t be like this forever. You can start over and recover from this.” Well damnit! I have been trying to start over, get a fresh start to life and pull recovery to the many damaged areas of my life…of my person. I have been trying for 9 months, I keep plugging away and putting pieces together only to find them frame this void in the puzzle without riddle for me to locate the missing pieces. Without notice I am kicked in the stomach by the lurking emotions of great weight bringing this roller coaster ride that I no longer want to be on.

Through the night time routine I just brought focus to my sweet children and their needs from me at that moment. The distraction worked, but was temporary as when they closed their eyes I was left alone with this feeling like I was going to explode. My heart raced, my mind a blur. Again, I found myself fighting a river of emotion as my cheeks became wet. Searching for something to ease the pain, the pressing frustration I pulled out the drawer that is home to my painting supplies. After gathering everything I needed, I put a couple pieces out for me to paint.

As I dipped my brush into the paint I could feel my breathing become less labored. Instantly as I guided that first brushstroke along the base of the piece I was starting I could feel my body relax. Soothing, painting has always brought a calming effect to my body, mind, and soul. As I place the base coat I begin to visualize the finished product. I then play with colors within my imagination to determine just how I can go from the base coat of sheer black, to something with life. With each final piece I have painted, I pose expression…I bring a dull sculpture of ceramic to life through various techniques and layers of color. I capture the detail that can’t be seen when you look at the blank slate.

Feeling my entire being relax, I was staring there at my hands working on something that was bigger than the piece I was painting. Life is the process of evolution, the layering of many colors as well as the use of the vast techniques of application. It is a natural approach to everything I do. I can see the final product, vision, or hopes for structure and then I develop my plan or layout. This way of looking at the bigger picture in the future is the way I navigate through the present.

Halting for a moment I realized, I too am a piece of art. I am this blank slate just waiting for the array of colors and brushstrokes to flow my expression…my essence. Each day I can paint my way to where I want to go, to who I want to be. I just have to visualize within my heart and hold onto that picture of peace. The beauty of painting is that it evolves along the way coming together with new techniques, changed tint schemes, but always do present with the breathtaking arrangements of colors that melt into that final display.

This may be a roller coaster and I appear to repeatedly miss the exit as my seatbelt constantly malfunctions, but if I am going to be forced into this ride then I need to find a way to gather my focus and lose that lurched feeling as I plummet into difficult days. I will paint…I will close my eyes and bring the brush to a new color, a brighter hue. I will glide the shade across my heart and allow the new color to cover this day, this darkness. I will again peek at that final vision, the inspiring shades of a warming sunset as I move forward with my canvas.

Palette of many...Endless color schemes

~Nina~