Remember as Why…Will to Continue

Reading my posts from the previous seven entries, the information gathered is that I have had some recent, intense struggle. Three days ago I wrote I might not come back. The last three days I have done plenty of crying, searching, thinking, and more. Each night I sat down at the computer and stared at a blank page only to feel completely lost with the heavy sense of emptiness. I couldn’t decide if I wanted or should quit completely. My raging emotions left me unable to get a few of the people I want so badly to understand, to hear what I was saying, and grasp the understanding of what I am going through as well as why. I hadn’t eaten a majority of the days this last week while the others had little ingested. As I dwindled both physically and emotionally I realized that I can’t quit writing, it has become the vice of surviving this…addressing my emotions while working through them. I need to remember why I started this, why I have done this, and why I will continue this…

The realization that I will get anyone to fully understand what I have gone through and how it affects me day to day is unlikely. Though my efforts everyday of articulating this emotional journey can help bring insight to what I am going through, this is for my purposes…my journal to surviving more than life itself. Writing each day brings light to my most intimate emotions for that day or an experience. As the visualized feelings become vivid you can almost feel them yourself, but remember as anyone walks this earth…what is presented on the outside doesn’t determine the possible pieces laying everywhere within. You have a sneak peek to my insides, which doesn’t reflect the person everyone sees, works with, or walks by each day.

From the beginning I have sought out resources to help me work through all of these ups and downs as well as to bring understanding within. I had no idea what I would be faced with or how there are involuntary responses to the various aspects of recovering. Again I stood before the blackboard trying to piece together a game plan to work through this sudden swing of emotions…my illuminated fear. I have thought about my journey so far and what has brought me success as well as some things I have avoided. I received another book; while I went to my bookshelf to take off the first book I was handed many months ago. I will be working through both these readings to help me become more knowledgeable. My continued efforts will build from how far I have already come.

I was presented challenge today. The specifics are not important, but the great sense of loss and disappointment cultivated a moment of heavy emotion. Facing the reality of losing something that I was proud of and worked hard for had devastated me as I signed along the line. I looked up through the blurry shield of tears falling. The lady touched my hand and said, “Things will get better. You will rise above.” A complete stranger took a moment to help instill faith for me, that is more than valued…she touched my heart. Frozen, I closed my eyes to replay the words she expressed. I bowed my head, took a deep breath, and lifted my chin. Upon the connection of our eyes I returned with a whisper, “Thank you.”

Part of moving forward is forcing yourself…pushing yourself to keep placing one foot in front of the other. Waking up this morning I realized that I have done it before and I need to do it again. The emotions, the extreme range of emotions have once again suppressed my appetite for days. As I became so distracted by this emotional experience and my duties of each day I didn’t feel hungry and forgot to remind myself to eat. This morning I stopped myself and made breakfast a requirement. That first swallow gagged me, the nutrition is necessary as is the psychological power it brings. I maintained my strength and followed through with an entire day of proper nutrition. As I mustered the focus to myself I needed to do more today than just eat. All day I told myself, “If you can eat, you can write.” Here I am, not giving up on the one thing that has brought me so far. As breakfast was a struggle, so has been this entry. So many times I have wanted to close the screen and many times I have gotten up to walk away, but I focused on the bigger picture. The investment, the energy spent will only pay forward ten fold. I am here for me.

Determination an ember…Motivation an accelerant

~Nina~