The night is winding down. I am pretty exhausted and after finishing up my schoolwork I am ready for bed. I have to work early and have many goals to reach this coming week. I would like to start it with a solid chunk of peaceful sleep. I hope to dream positive and wake rested. I can feel a good wave coming my way.
Take care...I wish you a happy Monday
~Nina~
March 28, 2010
Waterfall of Emotion…Assortment of Feeling
The vast arrangement of emotions my heart has expressed for a couple days has this feeling of familiarity of the early weeks of my early steps of rising above. The dust was seeming to settle, but this cloud hovers lately. I have attempted the determination of finding the answer and I have finally constructed a conclusion. This day was a day of importance, a day I looked forward to, a day I worked hard for, a day I stood alone fidgeting with my wedding ring, the day we celebrated my daughter’s third birthday, and this void, this emptiness followed me.
Each year there is a time that will come, bringing pride as a parent. When your child advances with another year under his or her belt you celebrate more than just the age. Today I rejoiced the milestones my daughter reached through out the past year, I clutched each precious moment of the last twelve months, and cherished her development thus far. The time has gone fast and only seems to be accelerating even faster without notice. The sand is slipping through my fingers and I just want to halt the clock…God please, we need things to slow down. We need more time.
Pure happiness filled her little heart today. Her wish was a bowling party and her desire was Momma’s command. When I first walked into the building my heart began to race, “Seriously, what did I get myself into? How will I get through this as I am alone, single, and juggling this all?” When she came in those doors her eyes lit up. That is when my questions were answered. Her appreciation for who was there and efforts brought for her made every late night, busy minute, and continued drive was worth every ounce of my being. The day was hers, she deserved it.
I questioned my capability to come together to survive the day. Earlier before the event began I struggled to harness my emotions. I knew, finally, as it came to me while getting dressed. The answer for the question of why my heart has been aching the past few days was the sorrow of experiencing this day alone. My side was empty, her Daddy was absent. I cried through out the sleeping hours the past two nights. I looked in the mirror today and said, “Why? Damnit, why did he have to do this? I didn’t want this. This was forced upon me and this isn’t the vision I had.” The sorrow poured into my essence as I didn’t get the bliss of having a shared pride as our daughter turns three. The family has been ripped apart and on a day like today…it really hits home.
One can’t feel the warmth I did have as Chloe saw her cake for the first time, the thrill she expressed as she rolled her ball down the lane, or excitement she surfaced as she opened her presents. This brought I high that complimented the low and I will forever hold her genuine smile of feeling special on this day in my heart. Everything, every ounce of my energy goes into my children. I don’t want one day to pass without them knowing that I love them very much. My aspirations run deep as I strive to provide them futures they deserve, futures that will foster their desires in life.
I gazed as the sun began to set. Peace, the everyday harmony of the horizon’s affectionate release to us as the orange glow wraps us with courage. To love, to honor, and to cherish…vows I have made for my kids, for myself, and for my life. Embarking on an endeavor that will maximize my full potential will strengthen my character. Though a difficult day, it is a learning experience. I will take from it and move forward.
Precious Girl…Priceless Moments
~Nina~
Each year there is a time that will come, bringing pride as a parent. When your child advances with another year under his or her belt you celebrate more than just the age. Today I rejoiced the milestones my daughter reached through out the past year, I clutched each precious moment of the last twelve months, and cherished her development thus far. The time has gone fast and only seems to be accelerating even faster without notice. The sand is slipping through my fingers and I just want to halt the clock…God please, we need things to slow down. We need more time.
Pure happiness filled her little heart today. Her wish was a bowling party and her desire was Momma’s command. When I first walked into the building my heart began to race, “Seriously, what did I get myself into? How will I get through this as I am alone, single, and juggling this all?” When she came in those doors her eyes lit up. That is when my questions were answered. Her appreciation for who was there and efforts brought for her made every late night, busy minute, and continued drive was worth every ounce of my being. The day was hers, she deserved it.
I questioned my capability to come together to survive the day. Earlier before the event began I struggled to harness my emotions. I knew, finally, as it came to me while getting dressed. The answer for the question of why my heart has been aching the past few days was the sorrow of experiencing this day alone. My side was empty, her Daddy was absent. I cried through out the sleeping hours the past two nights. I looked in the mirror today and said, “Why? Damnit, why did he have to do this? I didn’t want this. This was forced upon me and this isn’t the vision I had.” The sorrow poured into my essence as I didn’t get the bliss of having a shared pride as our daughter turns three. The family has been ripped apart and on a day like today…it really hits home.
One can’t feel the warmth I did have as Chloe saw her cake for the first time, the thrill she expressed as she rolled her ball down the lane, or excitement she surfaced as she opened her presents. This brought I high that complimented the low and I will forever hold her genuine smile of feeling special on this day in my heart. Everything, every ounce of my energy goes into my children. I don’t want one day to pass without them knowing that I love them very much. My aspirations run deep as I strive to provide them futures they deserve, futures that will foster their desires in life.
I gazed as the sun began to set. Peace, the everyday harmony of the horizon’s affectionate release to us as the orange glow wraps us with courage. To love, to honor, and to cherish…vows I have made for my kids, for myself, and for my life. Embarking on an endeavor that will maximize my full potential will strengthen my character. Though a difficult day, it is a learning experience. I will take from it and move forward.
Precious Girl…Priceless Moments
~Nina~
March 25, 2010
Confusion…Tears Well
Today has presented hours of occupation with work, school, and the planning of my daughter’s birthday party. Managing each feat brought a piece fitted into a puzzled verdict of the day being successful. Though physically the day was handled with focus, emotionally I was not as put together. A majority of the day I had spent effort in ceasing the flow of tears that desired to flow.
What is going on? I have had this surfaced strength leaving me with confidence of my newfound independence. I never once expected that these days would be completely behind me. I knew I would have an occasional day of disheartening emotions, but why today? My deduction for this experience is that I will continue to stumble across these days as my journey isn’t over and prevail tomorrow with my heart of devotion…determination to survive.
I have had a busy week. My energies have dwindled, I am left wiped. I will lay my head to rest and embrace the sadness that has crept into my day. Prayer, folding my hands in prayer will present me with tranquility tonight.
Efforts high…Emotions low
~Nina~
What is going on? I have had this surfaced strength leaving me with confidence of my newfound independence. I never once expected that these days would be completely behind me. I knew I would have an occasional day of disheartening emotions, but why today? My deduction for this experience is that I will continue to stumble across these days as my journey isn’t over and prevail tomorrow with my heart of devotion…determination to survive.
I have had a busy week. My energies have dwindled, I am left wiped. I will lay my head to rest and embrace the sadness that has crept into my day. Prayer, folding my hands in prayer will present me with tranquility tonight.
Efforts high…Emotions low
~Nina~
March 24, 2010
Sweetness of Life
Well, I am working on my lil girl’s birthday cake. Tonight I am covered in sugar and carving crumbs! She asked for a bowling cake and I always make the cakes for the family. This year my sweet girl is getting just as she hopes, a bowling ball with three pins as she is going to be the big 3 years-old this year. Time sure passes by quickly!!!
Goodnight, may you dream of the sweet things you desire. Check in tomorrow as my journey continues.
Sugar and Spice…Everything Nice
~Nina~
Goodnight, may you dream of the sweet things you desire. Check in tomorrow as my journey continues.
Sugar and Spice…Everything Nice
~Nina~
March 23, 2010
Busted Lip...Clumsy Girl
The past 24 hours have deemed those of the priceless moments of parenthood. As the weather has been very accepting of increased activity outdoors, my children and I went for a walk last night after work. The atmosphere was light and the smiles precious. Chloe was singing as I took in the serenity of the experience. Happiness, I was feeling pure contentment as we covered the pavement.
As we were half way, my sweet daughter was skipping along. She had her hands in her pocket and without warning I heard the smack of her meeting the sidewalk. Instant cries for Momma, I knelt down to pick her up. The crimson stream alerted me; I looked for chipped teeth and the severity of the gash. She calmed down and within a minute we were able to move forward.
A full assessment was completed after we reached the house. It appeared to need evaluation from a doctor. Instantly her lip was blue and the laceration ugly. While patiently awaiting for the doctor she would tell me, “Momma, can the doctor fix me?” I couldn’t help but chuckle. She instantly scolded me, “This is not funny!” I explained, “Chloe, you are right. Momma just hopes that the doctor can fix your clumsy feet so that this doesn’t happen again.” Again the pure innocence of my child peeked through as she responded, “Umm Momma, my lip is broken…not my feet.” Wrapping her up in a hug I knew this was only the first of many trips to come for her appreciation of life and free spirit would land us there in the future.
The night settled in and morning came. I had this great sense of lethargy weighing my stupor. Preparation for my upcoming list of deadlines had me wondering what I could do to remove some of the heaviness. I gave up on trying to displace items and just dove in head first for accomplishment will leave my heart with a greater sense of pride then tip toeing around the obligations.
The house is currently quiet. My darlings all in bed and here I am left to ponder what to do with my time. I still struggle at times with the question of being alone and it is at times like this where the warmth of his body next to me on the couch would ease the solitude. One thing I miss the most is the sensation that flowed through my veins as he use to trail his finger slowly from my temple, venturing along my ear, and down along my jaw line. Relaxed I became as the release of life would lift from my heart. Regardless of the abuse, the darkness…my husband also expressed soft affection at times which would encase my soul. At this very moment, I am missing that valued companionship.
Fidelity, one of my defining positions of my marriage and devotion to my husband leads my continued loyalty as I wish him the best as well. Never, ever could I wish a negative existence for his experience. It doesn’t matter what he put me through, no human being should live in such internal gloom or personal anguish without embracing the true meaning of vitality if tools are sought to aid in healing. I pray that he too finds the strength he needs to seek recovery to lead a healthy life for himself. Being an abuser was not, in my opinion, his quest in life, but suffers from a disease that intercepts the normal filter of interpretation that a non-abuser has. May the simple pleasures of life bring sunshine to his soul and in time raise him above with the achievement of any personal goals he may set.
This busy week faces me…Strength of success I seek
~Nina~
As we were half way, my sweet daughter was skipping along. She had her hands in her pocket and without warning I heard the smack of her meeting the sidewalk. Instant cries for Momma, I knelt down to pick her up. The crimson stream alerted me; I looked for chipped teeth and the severity of the gash. She calmed down and within a minute we were able to move forward.
A full assessment was completed after we reached the house. It appeared to need evaluation from a doctor. Instantly her lip was blue and the laceration ugly. While patiently awaiting for the doctor she would tell me, “Momma, can the doctor fix me?” I couldn’t help but chuckle. She instantly scolded me, “This is not funny!” I explained, “Chloe, you are right. Momma just hopes that the doctor can fix your clumsy feet so that this doesn’t happen again.” Again the pure innocence of my child peeked through as she responded, “Umm Momma, my lip is broken…not my feet.” Wrapping her up in a hug I knew this was only the first of many trips to come for her appreciation of life and free spirit would land us there in the future.
The night settled in and morning came. I had this great sense of lethargy weighing my stupor. Preparation for my upcoming list of deadlines had me wondering what I could do to remove some of the heaviness. I gave up on trying to displace items and just dove in head first for accomplishment will leave my heart with a greater sense of pride then tip toeing around the obligations.
The house is currently quiet. My darlings all in bed and here I am left to ponder what to do with my time. I still struggle at times with the question of being alone and it is at times like this where the warmth of his body next to me on the couch would ease the solitude. One thing I miss the most is the sensation that flowed through my veins as he use to trail his finger slowly from my temple, venturing along my ear, and down along my jaw line. Relaxed I became as the release of life would lift from my heart. Regardless of the abuse, the darkness…my husband also expressed soft affection at times which would encase my soul. At this very moment, I am missing that valued companionship.
Fidelity, one of my defining positions of my marriage and devotion to my husband leads my continued loyalty as I wish him the best as well. Never, ever could I wish a negative existence for his experience. It doesn’t matter what he put me through, no human being should live in such internal gloom or personal anguish without embracing the true meaning of vitality if tools are sought to aid in healing. I pray that he too finds the strength he needs to seek recovery to lead a healthy life for himself. Being an abuser was not, in my opinion, his quest in life, but suffers from a disease that intercepts the normal filter of interpretation that a non-abuser has. May the simple pleasures of life bring sunshine to his soul and in time raise him above with the achievement of any personal goals he may set.
This busy week faces me…Strength of success I seek
~Nina~
March 22, 2010
Absence without Warning…Updates Presented
I want to first apologize as I am aware that many people login and follow my journey frequently. The previous two days didn’t present me with the opportunity to sit down and collect my thoughts or explain my inability to write, but the many deliberations I had this weekend are itching to be expressed. This weekend I had someone request my assistance with something, a commitment to my children of uninterrupted time for an outside adventure, and a lengthy list of other catching up to do in various aspects of my life.
As marriage is a sanctified part of life, I always envisioned this voyage of growing old with someone, swaying on the porch swing, and holding hands while admiring the sunset as a peaceful representation of the deep love shared. The achievement of a Golden Anniversary isn’t marked by many, but the value is of great honor.
I had packed up the kids and said my good-byes. Two people that I carry an utmost respect for are my Grandparents. Their involvement, their love…it is the purest, it is priceless. My graciousness cannot express how much they have influenced the woman I have become…
The years of dedication to their family, the hours of sweat poured into life…the morals of appreciation rooted deep. I cherish the memories! To this day I can still feel Grandpa’s arms wrap around me as he picked me up to sit on his lap and Grandma’s warmth received through her smile proving pride in my evolving character. The security I received from the farewell hug carries me until I have the opportunity to see them again and a tear fell as I drove into the distance. I had come for a visit and it was so surreal as I walked up the path towards my vehicle. I turned to wave one last time and there they were--standing in the doorway next to each other, Grandpa’s arm around Grandma with the underlying love that carried them for 50 years already.
The inspiration of this vision left me with my continued determination of self-deserving happiness. Dedication, hard work, devotion will all aid in the climbing of my advancement ladder. My heart, my soul, my entire being is filled with passion, with the desire to experience life to the fullest.
Becoming a mother has been my most pride-filled moment. Precious months of carrying my children within and feeling the connection, the bond as I nurtured their development sanctioned my existence as a woman. The art of wearing many hats has left me with the confidence of handling all the curve balls thrown my way. My children are blessed gifts from above and each day I cherish the time I have to guide them...to love them.
One thing that I promised my kids was to have uninterrupted time for an outdoor adventure with Momma. With all of the chaos that has occupied my time, it was necessary to set myself aside from the demanding registry of life and devote time for a special quest with opportunity to dive into the creativity of my children’s minds. We walked along the river and gazed at the eagles soaring above in the sky. Capturing the priceless candid smiles on film will preserve my time with them; give me a record of our time together. My favorite part of the day was our stop at McDonalds. It was the first experience for the boys going out to eat and the first time since being alone stopping for a bite outside of our home. Innocent giggles encased the restaurant as they enjoyed their meal. Savoring their happiness warmed my heart. The love received from a child is of the purest love one can embrace.
On my drive home I peered into the rearview mirror. Three sleeping angels touched my heart. My children are my world, their well-being is my highest priority, and their futures will be vibrant. I love you my darlings.
Most of my emotion as of current speaks serenity. Peace flows through my veins. I continue to reach for the stars and pave a path to achieve my goals. I ponder with excitement as to the fruition of my essence. Tomorrow will be a new day with prospecting moments awaiting my success.
Inspiration by one of its definitions is: a divine influence directly and immediately exerted upon the mind or soul. I dream of inspiring strength to the many women and children out there who have or may continue to experience domestic violence. I dream of inspiring vigor to any individual yearning for the exposure to pure passion. I believe that every person deserves great happiness regardless of where they come from or how they have lived in the past. Life, this is truly a gift that I trust every soul is worthy of living.
Divine strength…Powerful notions
~Nina~
As marriage is a sanctified part of life, I always envisioned this voyage of growing old with someone, swaying on the porch swing, and holding hands while admiring the sunset as a peaceful representation of the deep love shared. The achievement of a Golden Anniversary isn’t marked by many, but the value is of great honor.
I had packed up the kids and said my good-byes. Two people that I carry an utmost respect for are my Grandparents. Their involvement, their love…it is the purest, it is priceless. My graciousness cannot express how much they have influenced the woman I have become…
The years of dedication to their family, the hours of sweat poured into life…the morals of appreciation rooted deep. I cherish the memories! To this day I can still feel Grandpa’s arms wrap around me as he picked me up to sit on his lap and Grandma’s warmth received through her smile proving pride in my evolving character. The security I received from the farewell hug carries me until I have the opportunity to see them again and a tear fell as I drove into the distance. I had come for a visit and it was so surreal as I walked up the path towards my vehicle. I turned to wave one last time and there they were--standing in the doorway next to each other, Grandpa’s arm around Grandma with the underlying love that carried them for 50 years already.
The inspiration of this vision left me with my continued determination of self-deserving happiness. Dedication, hard work, devotion will all aid in the climbing of my advancement ladder. My heart, my soul, my entire being is filled with passion, with the desire to experience life to the fullest.
Becoming a mother has been my most pride-filled moment. Precious months of carrying my children within and feeling the connection, the bond as I nurtured their development sanctioned my existence as a woman. The art of wearing many hats has left me with the confidence of handling all the curve balls thrown my way. My children are blessed gifts from above and each day I cherish the time I have to guide them...to love them.
One thing that I promised my kids was to have uninterrupted time for an outdoor adventure with Momma. With all of the chaos that has occupied my time, it was necessary to set myself aside from the demanding registry of life and devote time for a special quest with opportunity to dive into the creativity of my children’s minds. We walked along the river and gazed at the eagles soaring above in the sky. Capturing the priceless candid smiles on film will preserve my time with them; give me a record of our time together. My favorite part of the day was our stop at McDonalds. It was the first experience for the boys going out to eat and the first time since being alone stopping for a bite outside of our home. Innocent giggles encased the restaurant as they enjoyed their meal. Savoring their happiness warmed my heart. The love received from a child is of the purest love one can embrace.
On my drive home I peered into the rearview mirror. Three sleeping angels touched my heart. My children are my world, their well-being is my highest priority, and their futures will be vibrant. I love you my darlings.
Most of my emotion as of current speaks serenity. Peace flows through my veins. I continue to reach for the stars and pave a path to achieve my goals. I ponder with excitement as to the fruition of my essence. Tomorrow will be a new day with prospecting moments awaiting my success.
Inspiration by one of its definitions is: a divine influence directly and immediately exerted upon the mind or soul. I dream of inspiring strength to the many women and children out there who have or may continue to experience domestic violence. I dream of inspiring vigor to any individual yearning for the exposure to pure passion. I believe that every person deserves great happiness regardless of where they come from or how they have lived in the past. Life, this is truly a gift that I trust every soul is worthy of living.
Divine strength…Powerful notions
~Nina~
March 19, 2010
Live for Love…Laugh at Life
The challenges of life present me with the opportunity of venturing many avenues of experience. I have lived, laughed, and loved on many levels while enduring the true privilege of embracing raw emotion. The pride I carry in my ability to take something from every trial and learn from it is of great triumph. Constructive learning, I believe there is a positive to every occurrence in one’s life.
As today presents itself as the last day of the work week often the phrase, “TGIF” is thrown out with enthusiasm. Everyday I enumerate this acronym as my definition: Thank Goodness In Forgiveness. Calmness, peace…a vitalizing way to approach the gift of life and this is my methodology for my existence.
Love the word listed for meaning of having soul-mates, enduring adoration, marriage, friendship, and infatuation. Loving a football team, a job, an activity, a person, a dream…life is lived for the emotion of love, for the reward of positive energy. Romance can and does exist beyond a candlelit dinner, pair of wine glasses, soft music, and euphoric touch.
There are a dozen or so definitions for the art of being a romantic and I present to you the definition that describes my romance: ardent; passionate; fervent. Today I was presented with the concern that I was expressing a virtue in not trusting ever again. This person continued to explain that I am a “hopeless romantic, a person who cares, filled with compassion” and this personality isn’t designed to be shared alone. My rebuttal to that is I haven’t erased the romance I yearn, the focus is just rerouted, thus my listed definition. I am ardent as I have a character that feels on an intense level, passionate as I show with great expressiveness to my insides, and fervent as I wholeheartedly articulate warmth in my personal happiness. I can be myself as an independent and as this person hit the nail on the head as far as who I am, I want to reiterate that I can do it alone.
The other effect I want to bring forth is the luminance laughter can bring to one’s heart. At the sensitivity of the moment one certainly can’t shed any banter for the purpose of the event, but later after looking back smiling will lift the weight a sorrow may have. Chuckling can cause the release of endorphins which can cause a natural lift in the body and mind while also relieving anxiety or stress that may be pressing on your system. Laugh at life, it is there to provide the humor of mistakes, nurture the development of trial and error while facilitating personal growth.
When asked, “Are you ok?” I took a moment to realize, “Yes, yes I am.” While walking to my vehicle after work I smiled, I am doing just fine. I am OK with where I am at. I know that I am a valued asset to this society and I will do great things for this world. Fostering an appreciation in oneself breaks the chain of co-dependency. I am taking care of myself, I am healing from the inside, I am bringing this energy outward, and I am secure with where my life will go. Independence is very liberating and a status I hadn’t utilized until now.
Embrace the here, the now…humor love, foster yourself
~Nina~
As today presents itself as the last day of the work week often the phrase, “TGIF” is thrown out with enthusiasm. Everyday I enumerate this acronym as my definition: Thank Goodness In Forgiveness. Calmness, peace…a vitalizing way to approach the gift of life and this is my methodology for my existence.
Love the word listed for meaning of having soul-mates, enduring adoration, marriage, friendship, and infatuation. Loving a football team, a job, an activity, a person, a dream…life is lived for the emotion of love, for the reward of positive energy. Romance can and does exist beyond a candlelit dinner, pair of wine glasses, soft music, and euphoric touch.
There are a dozen or so definitions for the art of being a romantic and I present to you the definition that describes my romance: ardent; passionate; fervent. Today I was presented with the concern that I was expressing a virtue in not trusting ever again. This person continued to explain that I am a “hopeless romantic, a person who cares, filled with compassion” and this personality isn’t designed to be shared alone. My rebuttal to that is I haven’t erased the romance I yearn, the focus is just rerouted, thus my listed definition. I am ardent as I have a character that feels on an intense level, passionate as I show with great expressiveness to my insides, and fervent as I wholeheartedly articulate warmth in my personal happiness. I can be myself as an independent and as this person hit the nail on the head as far as who I am, I want to reiterate that I can do it alone.
The other effect I want to bring forth is the luminance laughter can bring to one’s heart. At the sensitivity of the moment one certainly can’t shed any banter for the purpose of the event, but later after looking back smiling will lift the weight a sorrow may have. Chuckling can cause the release of endorphins which can cause a natural lift in the body and mind while also relieving anxiety or stress that may be pressing on your system. Laugh at life, it is there to provide the humor of mistakes, nurture the development of trial and error while facilitating personal growth.
When asked, “Are you ok?” I took a moment to realize, “Yes, yes I am.” While walking to my vehicle after work I smiled, I am doing just fine. I am OK with where I am at. I know that I am a valued asset to this society and I will do great things for this world. Fostering an appreciation in oneself breaks the chain of co-dependency. I am taking care of myself, I am healing from the inside, I am bringing this energy outward, and I am secure with where my life will go. Independence is very liberating and a status I hadn’t utilized until now.
Embrace the here, the now…humor love, foster yourself
~Nina~
March 18, 2010
Entertaining Excuses…Motivation Established
The past few days have been a little more difficult, but to my relief they haven’t been due to any extreme emotional disarray. The vastness of exhaustion seems to be on more of a physical level. I was trying to figure out why the plow seemed to be heavier than it has been, but come to no conclusion. I, someday, prefer to have this weight unhooked as the cultivation process would eventually end, but this is life…it never ends.
When considering my never-ending to do list one may ponder, “I am tired just watching her.” No doubt, I am sure if I had the opportunity to stand behind as a hovering presence I too would struggle to catch my breath. No complaints, I would never wish away any responsibilities that I have, as everything in my life is a blessing, not an obligation. My only desire is to petition the heavens for a permanent extension to my day. Twenty-four hours just isn’t enough, I need at least six to eight additional hours per day. Trust me, I do!
The grinding gears slow my pace. I found myself putting off today, only to wish I hadn’t tomorrow. Last night I again wasn’t able to wipe my entire list of chores off the board as exhaustion guided my tired body upstairs. I promised myself as my eyes closed that I would rise in the morning and straighten myself out.
Bright and early, my alarm chimed at 5 o’clock this morning. As I swung my feet out of bed I rubbed my eyes. “Seriously,” I sighed out loud. No more excuses, I censured, “Get yourself back on track!” I meandered downstairs, put the coffee on, and stood in front of the mirror. The previous three days I made, more like, found excuses such as three children demands so much time as a single mother, working full-time wipes my energy, school zaps my mind, tending a house creates exhausted limbs, bills generate havoc as the checkbook is low, and more which was causing me to push things off. I would create validation with one of my listed defenses as to why the laundry could wait, why Arby’s is a better choice, why my 40 minutes of cardio can be put off, and why going to bed while pressing the guilt out of my mind was ok. I looked at myself and said, “What does this do for you?”
Avoiding things will not make them disappear. I cannot evade my duties…life is calling my name and hiding will only shelter my opportunities. My mind raced while I was in the shower. As the hot water soothed my aching muscles I tried to compile the most efficient route of getting myself back on track. I sipped my coffee and was wrapped with the warmth of encouragement. Motivation, as I gazed at my reflection, she was there looking back as I applied my make-up. There it was--the enthusiasm that I thought I had misplaced.
This is my life...My only chance…
~Nina~
When considering my never-ending to do list one may ponder, “I am tired just watching her.” No doubt, I am sure if I had the opportunity to stand behind as a hovering presence I too would struggle to catch my breath. No complaints, I would never wish away any responsibilities that I have, as everything in my life is a blessing, not an obligation. My only desire is to petition the heavens for a permanent extension to my day. Twenty-four hours just isn’t enough, I need at least six to eight additional hours per day. Trust me, I do!
The grinding gears slow my pace. I found myself putting off today, only to wish I hadn’t tomorrow. Last night I again wasn’t able to wipe my entire list of chores off the board as exhaustion guided my tired body upstairs. I promised myself as my eyes closed that I would rise in the morning and straighten myself out.
Bright and early, my alarm chimed at 5 o’clock this morning. As I swung my feet out of bed I rubbed my eyes. “Seriously,” I sighed out loud. No more excuses, I censured, “Get yourself back on track!” I meandered downstairs, put the coffee on, and stood in front of the mirror. The previous three days I made, more like, found excuses such as three children demands so much time as a single mother, working full-time wipes my energy, school zaps my mind, tending a house creates exhausted limbs, bills generate havoc as the checkbook is low, and more which was causing me to push things off. I would create validation with one of my listed defenses as to why the laundry could wait, why Arby’s is a better choice, why my 40 minutes of cardio can be put off, and why going to bed while pressing the guilt out of my mind was ok. I looked at myself and said, “What does this do for you?”
Avoiding things will not make them disappear. I cannot evade my duties…life is calling my name and hiding will only shelter my opportunities. My mind raced while I was in the shower. As the hot water soothed my aching muscles I tried to compile the most efficient route of getting myself back on track. I sipped my coffee and was wrapped with the warmth of encouragement. Motivation, as I gazed at my reflection, she was there looking back as I applied my make-up. There it was--the enthusiasm that I thought I had misplaced.
This is my life...My only chance…
~Nina~
March 17, 2010
Complaisant Demeanor…Passionate Heart
This morning I looked in the mirror, “Who am I?” Those three little words have rolled around inside my mind and then pondered the answer since my journey began. Who do I want to be? Who should I be? Who will I be? These are the different variations of the same question that roots deep within my soul, but will there be a measurable answer? Take me by the hand…I want to show you…
Who do I want to be?
Initially my answer has remained, “I want to be someone or something that somebody can be proud of.” While stumbling through my routine as I got ready for work today, I felt this presence. I turned around only to be met with nothing. Hmm…after scratching my head in speculation I came back to my beginning posture. Raising my eyes, there she stood in front of me, my own reflection. “No. Who do you want to be?” the young woman asked. After gazing for a minute or two, the deep brown eyes relayed the answer…“I want to be someone or something that I can be proud of. I want to be me.”
Complaisant is a trait I do have. Is it a fault or is it of quality? After looking at the definition: inclined or disposed to please; obliging; agreeable or gracious; compliant…I am left to interpret my own character. Definitely, this is a large portion of who I am! I am not a fighter, I do find myself inclined to please as I am not accustomed to tension or the dismay of arguing. Kindness and carrying a deep consideration for people faces that obliging attribute of my temperament. Each day I appreciate what I have, I am gracious for life, my three beautiful children, and the faith I have in God. Acquiescent, the gift of wanting to or trying to compromise or accommodate is reflected as my compliance as a human being. Compassion, sincerity, and dependability are all characteristics that will embrace warmth in my future.
The search of who I am goes against my motto. I have always recited, “Life isn’t about finding yourself, it is about creating yourself.” I know who I am. I just need to trust who I am. I have the unknown future to venture through so I can continue to CREATE myself, not find myself. I want you to know…if you start searching, then stop, because you then lost yourself. Taking a moment, a day, or a few weeks is important. Get back in-touch with who you are and then find an adventure to build on top of that.
I was asked a few days ago, “Why do we do that? Why do we go back?” This person described to me the cycle of weight gain and wanted to know my opinion on why we, as in people, stop something positive such as an exercise regimen only to start over at square one. My answer: comfort. People in general know how to get from point A to point B. We have done it several times. We always desire though, to go from point A to point C, but the path from B to C is the unknown, a level above our comfort.
As I stepped into that path between B and C, I no doubt was frightened. I was treading water that I didn’t know existed. I faced challenges I feared would destroy me. I can’t go back to A; I won’t go back to A as it only takes me to B…those are the words that keep my focus on point C. As I explained to this person, losing 5-15 pounds we have done over and over. Reaching the point beyond that involves the effort we are unsure if we even have. I am here to notify you that you indeed have that power…you have that strength. I approach all aspects of my life with this mind set. This is my life…there is no going back.
Believe in who you are…I do
~Nina~
Who do I want to be?
Initially my answer has remained, “I want to be someone or something that somebody can be proud of.” While stumbling through my routine as I got ready for work today, I felt this presence. I turned around only to be met with nothing. Hmm…after scratching my head in speculation I came back to my beginning posture. Raising my eyes, there she stood in front of me, my own reflection. “No. Who do you want to be?” the young woman asked. After gazing for a minute or two, the deep brown eyes relayed the answer…“I want to be someone or something that I can be proud of. I want to be me.”
Complaisant is a trait I do have. Is it a fault or is it of quality? After looking at the definition: inclined or disposed to please; obliging; agreeable or gracious; compliant…I am left to interpret my own character. Definitely, this is a large portion of who I am! I am not a fighter, I do find myself inclined to please as I am not accustomed to tension or the dismay of arguing. Kindness and carrying a deep consideration for people faces that obliging attribute of my temperament. Each day I appreciate what I have, I am gracious for life, my three beautiful children, and the faith I have in God. Acquiescent, the gift of wanting to or trying to compromise or accommodate is reflected as my compliance as a human being. Compassion, sincerity, and dependability are all characteristics that will embrace warmth in my future.
The search of who I am goes against my motto. I have always recited, “Life isn’t about finding yourself, it is about creating yourself.” I know who I am. I just need to trust who I am. I have the unknown future to venture through so I can continue to CREATE myself, not find myself. I want you to know…if you start searching, then stop, because you then lost yourself. Taking a moment, a day, or a few weeks is important. Get back in-touch with who you are and then find an adventure to build on top of that.
I was asked a few days ago, “Why do we do that? Why do we go back?” This person described to me the cycle of weight gain and wanted to know my opinion on why we, as in people, stop something positive such as an exercise regimen only to start over at square one. My answer: comfort. People in general know how to get from point A to point B. We have done it several times. We always desire though, to go from point A to point C, but the path from B to C is the unknown, a level above our comfort.
As I stepped into that path between B and C, I no doubt was frightened. I was treading water that I didn’t know existed. I faced challenges I feared would destroy me. I can’t go back to A; I won’t go back to A as it only takes me to B…those are the words that keep my focus on point C. As I explained to this person, losing 5-15 pounds we have done over and over. Reaching the point beyond that involves the effort we are unsure if we even have. I am here to notify you that you indeed have that power…you have that strength. I approach all aspects of my life with this mind set. This is my life…there is no going back.
Believe in who you are…I do
~Nina~
March 16, 2010
Busy Keeps Us Young
Well, if it doesn’t keep me youthful it will keep me tired. I have had many things pulling at me from work, house, kids, and more. I am physically exhausted. Today I have felt empowered and successful. I hope my mind will rest fully bringing a continued strength. I don’t fear my imagination's concocted fantasies tonight; I invite the pleasant visions of my future. Goodnight everyone, please join me tomorrow morning as I reflect my innovations of today.
Peace within…I pray for everyone I love
~Nina~
Peace within…I pray for everyone I love
~Nina~
March 15, 2010
Beautiful Essence…Fresh Breeze
The hours were put in. Opening the door I stepped out into the magnificence of this day. As I, each day, take in a full inventory of my surroundings I was presented with a life altering revelation this day. Taken back as I pulled into my driveway today, I realized the full art of my gift.
Lifting the gear stick into park I peered out my windshield. Hands at ten and two, I leaned forward…there was something begging to be interpreted. The snow had completely vanished, the puddles absorbed, and the brilliance of sunshine cascade onto the ground. Stepping out of the vehicle the brisk wave of life touched my face. Coolness, calmness…I swear, just yesterday my property was covered with the hard, cold core of winter, with the out of control chaos dissolving my existence. What happened?
I realized for weeks I have loaded the kids, put the van in reverse, and headed into motion as if I was on autopilot. It was there the whole time, the transition from winter to spring…from despair to elation. It doesn’t happen overnight, just as the sense of survival doesn’t either. Everyday the action might have been minor, but a half an ounce of ice melted. My soul has thawed from darkness, pain, fear, and desolation. The scent of spring was the emergence of my spirit summiting.
Without hesitation I knew, looking to the heavens above I could see him. The lord embraced me with love as the wind swirled around my feet, twirling up to my mind. I raised my arms to thank him and then folded my hands over my heart. The belief I had in God was only being rerouted as his belief in me.
One monumental mark was the absence of my footprint in the once soggy ground. As stated above, the puddles had absorbed, the ground presented a strength…a stability. Today is the first day I have not shed tears. Today is the first day that my head was held high for the entire day. Today is the first day darkness didn’t hover or lurk around the corner. Today is the day…this day will be first day of the rest of my life…
Inner peace…Eternal love
~Nina~
Lifting the gear stick into park I peered out my windshield. Hands at ten and two, I leaned forward…there was something begging to be interpreted. The snow had completely vanished, the puddles absorbed, and the brilliance of sunshine cascade onto the ground. Stepping out of the vehicle the brisk wave of life touched my face. Coolness, calmness…I swear, just yesterday my property was covered with the hard, cold core of winter, with the out of control chaos dissolving my existence. What happened?
I realized for weeks I have loaded the kids, put the van in reverse, and headed into motion as if I was on autopilot. It was there the whole time, the transition from winter to spring…from despair to elation. It doesn’t happen overnight, just as the sense of survival doesn’t either. Everyday the action might have been minor, but a half an ounce of ice melted. My soul has thawed from darkness, pain, fear, and desolation. The scent of spring was the emergence of my spirit summiting.
Without hesitation I knew, looking to the heavens above I could see him. The lord embraced me with love as the wind swirled around my feet, twirling up to my mind. I raised my arms to thank him and then folded my hands over my heart. The belief I had in God was only being rerouted as his belief in me.
One monumental mark was the absence of my footprint in the once soggy ground. As stated above, the puddles had absorbed, the ground presented a strength…a stability. Today is the first day I have not shed tears. Today is the first day that my head was held high for the entire day. Today is the first day darkness didn’t hover or lurk around the corner. Today is the day…this day will be first day of the rest of my life…
Inner peace…Eternal love
~Nina~
March 14, 2010
Farewell…Or Fair Ending
The day’s events brought great efforts of survival. I was rolling the script on how to go about saying good-bye for the last 24 hours. A piece of my heart died as I had decided that ceasing my efforts would give that party the power. I never performed with deception. I want to say to them, “This isn’t a chess board, this is our lives.” The emotion of anger and abrasive nature is what brought us here. The destruction implodes the structure of security for reconciling more than a marriage. It wasn’t until a minute ago, I made my decision.
I will not forfeit the positive affects this journaling brings. The initial purpose of this brings me the opportunity to heal myself, to bring strength to the surface. I am a good person, a woman with the aspiration to help others. I know where my purpose initiated and maintains.
The title states, “Farewell….or Fair Ending.” Many may wonder what this is meant to reflect. This represents my insides. I am waving as the departure of my interest in other’s opinions removes their weight from upon my shoulders. I have been told several times over the last week, “But you know who you are, you know what you haven’t done.” This voice was right. I do know how things transpired and living with the vision of someone’s interpretation is not how I should live. Fair ending…my existence will not be of pain or hurt, it will be of fair ending…of happiness.
My future is in my hands. Today is the day that the canvas unzipped and I emerged. A stable confidence isn’t presented yet, but in the works. Taking a scissors and cutting the tie that held me back was the most freeing sense I have had since this journey began. It was the release of apprehension with myself, the questioning of myself that brought this liberty.
Autonomy is the gaining of self significance…
~Nina~
I will not forfeit the positive affects this journaling brings. The initial purpose of this brings me the opportunity to heal myself, to bring strength to the surface. I am a good person, a woman with the aspiration to help others. I know where my purpose initiated and maintains.
The title states, “Farewell….or Fair Ending.” Many may wonder what this is meant to reflect. This represents my insides. I am waving as the departure of my interest in other’s opinions removes their weight from upon my shoulders. I have been told several times over the last week, “But you know who you are, you know what you haven’t done.” This voice was right. I do know how things transpired and living with the vision of someone’s interpretation is not how I should live. Fair ending…my existence will not be of pain or hurt, it will be of fair ending…of happiness.
My future is in my hands. Today is the day that the canvas unzipped and I emerged. A stable confidence isn’t presented yet, but in the works. Taking a scissors and cutting the tie that held me back was the most freeing sense I have had since this journey began. It was the release of apprehension with myself, the questioning of myself that brought this liberty.
Autonomy is the gaining of self significance…
~Nina~
March 13, 2010
Painful…Disappointing Conclusions
The thoughts that race through my mind right now surface so many emotions. There is an individual or two that question my purpose and intentions of this blog. I am devastated that again the question of my character is presented. Pain…I have extreme heartache as the notion that I am trying to manipulate and cause internal turmoil of someone with the motive of gaining somewhere else leaves me sick.
My apologies as I cannot bring myself to write tonight. I will be making a decision to either continue my avenue of healing or to cease my efforts. It appears to be causing pressure, heartache, and disgust from people. Though I have touched many lives and helped several abuse victims already, I am believed that the positives are being outweighed by the feelings I suffer from the negative.
Tomorrow maybe my last entry…
~Nina~
My apologies as I cannot bring myself to write tonight. I will be making a decision to either continue my avenue of healing or to cease my efforts. It appears to be causing pressure, heartache, and disgust from people. Though I have touched many lives and helped several abuse victims already, I am believed that the positives are being outweighed by the feelings I suffer from the negative.
Tomorrow maybe my last entry…
~Nina~
March 12, 2010
Nothing…I have Nothing
I have not the words tonight. I am completely worn out from a week of emotions, accusations, and more. I know the things I know. I know how things happened. I am perceived as vindictive, manipulative, and un-trustworthy. It doesn’t matter that I have maintained the same values, goals, and honest morals. I continue to make decisions with education. I don’t lash out in reaction to someone’s perceived deception. All I can do is hope that it is known that I haven’t tried to stick anything to anyone. The vision of my character is determined on the individual. My knowledge that I am the person that maintains consistent mannerisms is all that matters.
Doesn’t matter who they think I am…I know who I am
~Nina~
Doesn’t matter who they think I am…I know who I am
~Nina~
March 11, 2010
Hiding Emotions…Living Mystery
Dawn came and my eyes opened from a dream, a fantasy of love. There was tenderness, there was warmth, and there was happiness. The ratio of nightmares to dreams is very off kilter and seldom do I wake up on a peaceful note, but it has happened. Also it isn’t necessarily terror all the time, sadness is the largest weight in my heart as of lately. Relaxed, I actually felt relaxed upon rising today.
The evening before my imagination drifted as well. It seems as the past couple of days my mind has wandered in a more curiosity avenue of what I wanted, what I dreamt of my marriage being. I remember the television being on, the low light casting shadows as the images pranced across the screen. My husband was there on the couch and I had snuggled in next to him. This dream was so vivid. I could smell his cologne, I could feel his warmth…then as I lifted my head, the bed was empty. Alone, there I was drying my tears as the pure darkness encased my heart. I had looked at the clock, 10:34pm…I reached out to grab the picture of us and closed my eyes again. I had the sense of hope to reverie it again, yet hesitation as the vision surfaced a longing of something I hardly had.
Throughout the day I questioned myself. I had no ambition for anything. I just wanted to hide all day. I just want to be alone. What will being alone grant me? I don’t have an answer for that. The mystery of life will either send you through a whirlwind of distress or bring you elation as you encompass the unknown as an adventure. Right now, I am in the middle while desiring not to engage in either.
“Solitude won’t heal,” I recited to myself as I walked into the room. I had come across a support group a while ago. I tossed the idea around and the dice landed on snake eyes…I signed up. Tonight was my first session and I went in thinking, “Maybe my purpose is to help someone.” I had this vision of introducing myself with confidence and bringing forth the progress I have made thus far. As it was my turn, the only message that was conveyed was the one my tears represented as they streamed down my face. Progress, I thought to myself, “What progress have you made?” I wasn’t even able to verbalize my name. The open warmth I received was amazing. Though my identity was only given by the card that sat in front of me; they all reached out to me.
Some may say, “I know if feels like so much time has passed…” Um, no, it doesn’t feel like anytime has passed. I sense frustration from people as the view of my progress would be expected to be further, but it isn’t. I am where I am and it is a feeling of being stuck. I want a true heal from this and where I am is OK. Honest recovery comes from moving slowly, baby steps…this will remain my game plan.
Search your soul...a continued seek for serenity…
~Nina~
The evening before my imagination drifted as well. It seems as the past couple of days my mind has wandered in a more curiosity avenue of what I wanted, what I dreamt of my marriage being. I remember the television being on, the low light casting shadows as the images pranced across the screen. My husband was there on the couch and I had snuggled in next to him. This dream was so vivid. I could smell his cologne, I could feel his warmth…then as I lifted my head, the bed was empty. Alone, there I was drying my tears as the pure darkness encased my heart. I had looked at the clock, 10:34pm…I reached out to grab the picture of us and closed my eyes again. I had the sense of hope to reverie it again, yet hesitation as the vision surfaced a longing of something I hardly had.
Throughout the day I questioned myself. I had no ambition for anything. I just wanted to hide all day. I just want to be alone. What will being alone grant me? I don’t have an answer for that. The mystery of life will either send you through a whirlwind of distress or bring you elation as you encompass the unknown as an adventure. Right now, I am in the middle while desiring not to engage in either.
“Solitude won’t heal,” I recited to myself as I walked into the room. I had come across a support group a while ago. I tossed the idea around and the dice landed on snake eyes…I signed up. Tonight was my first session and I went in thinking, “Maybe my purpose is to help someone.” I had this vision of introducing myself with confidence and bringing forth the progress I have made thus far. As it was my turn, the only message that was conveyed was the one my tears represented as they streamed down my face. Progress, I thought to myself, “What progress have you made?” I wasn’t even able to verbalize my name. The open warmth I received was amazing. Though my identity was only given by the card that sat in front of me; they all reached out to me.
Some may say, “I know if feels like so much time has passed…” Um, no, it doesn’t feel like anytime has passed. I sense frustration from people as the view of my progress would be expected to be further, but it isn’t. I am where I am and it is a feeling of being stuck. I want a true heal from this and where I am is OK. Honest recovery comes from moving slowly, baby steps…this will remain my game plan.
Search your soul...a continued seek for serenity…
~Nina~
March 10, 2010
In the Eyes of a Victim
When I stood up and stepped forward, I entered the journey of surviving from my life of abuse. I was presented with a book. This is the piece I have referenced as being a 'paper weight,' the volume that occupies space in my backpack, and think about daily. Opening the book for the very first time surfaced a great deal of emotion and continues to bring me challenge. This book, the tool I am going to use to face my fears, acknowledge the reality, and put myself back together is titled, “Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” The author, Lundy Bancroft, began working with and counseling abusive men in 1987. I haven’t read more than a hand full of pages, but I do have a couple of things I want to share…
Bancroft wrote, “One of my central reasons for writing this book is, ironically, to help you think about him less.” Those words spoke volumes to me, how did he know that all I do is think about my husband? Because that is what happens when you become the victim of chronic abuse, even the thought processes are possessed by the control he has. I don’t even know what to do with myself anymore, I question everything, everyday. Who am I? This is a question I need to answer and only I can answer.
As I described earlier, the first time I read the title I could hear my husband’s voice in my ear whispering that this was my fault, 'If only you would have done this, I wouldn’t have gotten angry.' I felt guilty and afraid that I even held this book in my hand as he always minimized his behavior towards me. The first few words sent a surge of emotion to the surface, tears poured down my face as I took in the things Bancroft described as an abusive man, and sobbed violently as their behaviors were all things I experienced daily. This next sentence caused me to shut down and place the book back onto the table, “Some women will find that being alone with this book is too difficult because it awakens feelings and realizations that are overwhelming.” This was so very true as by the time I reached this statement my vision was blurred from the cascade of emotion flowing from my eyes. I read it again, and said, “Not today, I am not ready.” That was weeks ago. I knew in my heart that these pages would bring me a clarity that I needed, but slow, I needed to take this slow.
An alarming picture of statistics brings me to the fence of, can I trust or should I trust? Bancroft provided several pieces of information on statistics at the time of this writing in 2002. Here are a few that continue to roll around inside my mind, “2 to 4 million women are assaulted by their partners per year in the United States. The U.S. Surgeon General has declared that attacks by male partners are the number on cause of injury to women between the ages of fifteen and forty-four. The American Medical Association reports that one woman out of three will be a victim of violence by a husband or boyfriend at some point in her life.” The statistic that "one woman out of three” leaves me with a heavy sickness in my stomach. I resist the urge to vomit as I realize that of my registered followers, this would make three women who could experience this terrifying occurrence. As Bancroft describes the weight that the abuse of women places on children, he wrote, “Experts estimate that 5 million children per year witness an assault on their mothers, an experience that can leave them traumatized.” The message that sends heartache, this is a sentence that describes the effect this had on my daughter. She continues to describe the night my husband threw a can of formula at me. She woke up for weeks to check on me. These effects are what brought me to my continued stance of today, “No more abuse.” This last statement from Bancroft that I want to share today is this, “There are millions more women who have never been beaten but who live with repeated verbal assaults, humiliation, sexual coercion, and other forms of psychological abuse.” I was one of these millions of women whom experienced every one of those listed. Did my husband ever physically strike me? No. Did he intimidate me and terrify me with acts of physical aggression? Frequently. Did I fear my life and my safety; did this accompany the anticipation of him hitting me? Yes.
All of this information does what for me? I am trying to maintain a clear perspective as well as sort out my emotions. It all boils down to, “Can I ever be able to trust again?” Everyday I struggle with this desire to ask him questions, to see his reaction, and to feel his aura. What is the frequency of his break downs and dealings with anger now? Does he or will he recognize that this is like suffering the disease of alcoholism? Why should I believe that there is a guarantee that he will never hurt me again? Most importantly, what will he do if I am unable to ever reach a stable level of trust in him? What if it was too late…
There was a conversation that left me with added doubt. The statement was, “Maybe it will be good for a few weeks, 6 months, a year, or two years, but the abuse will come back.” Is it wrong to want a healthy life with him…I feel like the frustration of people surfaces that I anticipate for something, but deserve better. Love, devotion, and hope are all characteristics that strongly describe my essence. These have been accompanied with fear, withdrawn, and doubtful. The picture is clear, the parade of entries describes my insides strongly…I am everywhere on this map. The whirlwind experience of survival is harder than I ever imagined. Continuing to isolate myself isn’t the appropriate action to healing, but it is my initial reflex…I just want to be alone.
What am I left with…pieces…more pieces
~Nina~
Bancroft wrote, “One of my central reasons for writing this book is, ironically, to help you think about him less.” Those words spoke volumes to me, how did he know that all I do is think about my husband? Because that is what happens when you become the victim of chronic abuse, even the thought processes are possessed by the control he has. I don’t even know what to do with myself anymore, I question everything, everyday. Who am I? This is a question I need to answer and only I can answer.
As I described earlier, the first time I read the title I could hear my husband’s voice in my ear whispering that this was my fault, 'If only you would have done this, I wouldn’t have gotten angry.' I felt guilty and afraid that I even held this book in my hand as he always minimized his behavior towards me. The first few words sent a surge of emotion to the surface, tears poured down my face as I took in the things Bancroft described as an abusive man, and sobbed violently as their behaviors were all things I experienced daily. This next sentence caused me to shut down and place the book back onto the table, “Some women will find that being alone with this book is too difficult because it awakens feelings and realizations that are overwhelming.” This was so very true as by the time I reached this statement my vision was blurred from the cascade of emotion flowing from my eyes. I read it again, and said, “Not today, I am not ready.” That was weeks ago. I knew in my heart that these pages would bring me a clarity that I needed, but slow, I needed to take this slow.
An alarming picture of statistics brings me to the fence of, can I trust or should I trust? Bancroft provided several pieces of information on statistics at the time of this writing in 2002. Here are a few that continue to roll around inside my mind, “2 to 4 million women are assaulted by their partners per year in the United States. The U.S. Surgeon General has declared that attacks by male partners are the number on cause of injury to women between the ages of fifteen and forty-four. The American Medical Association reports that one woman out of three will be a victim of violence by a husband or boyfriend at some point in her life.” The statistic that "one woman out of three” leaves me with a heavy sickness in my stomach. I resist the urge to vomit as I realize that of my registered followers, this would make three women who could experience this terrifying occurrence. As Bancroft describes the weight that the abuse of women places on children, he wrote, “Experts estimate that 5 million children per year witness an assault on their mothers, an experience that can leave them traumatized.” The message that sends heartache, this is a sentence that describes the effect this had on my daughter. She continues to describe the night my husband threw a can of formula at me. She woke up for weeks to check on me. These effects are what brought me to my continued stance of today, “No more abuse.” This last statement from Bancroft that I want to share today is this, “There are millions more women who have never been beaten but who live with repeated verbal assaults, humiliation, sexual coercion, and other forms of psychological abuse.” I was one of these millions of women whom experienced every one of those listed. Did my husband ever physically strike me? No. Did he intimidate me and terrify me with acts of physical aggression? Frequently. Did I fear my life and my safety; did this accompany the anticipation of him hitting me? Yes.
All of this information does what for me? I am trying to maintain a clear perspective as well as sort out my emotions. It all boils down to, “Can I ever be able to trust again?” Everyday I struggle with this desire to ask him questions, to see his reaction, and to feel his aura. What is the frequency of his break downs and dealings with anger now? Does he or will he recognize that this is like suffering the disease of alcoholism? Why should I believe that there is a guarantee that he will never hurt me again? Most importantly, what will he do if I am unable to ever reach a stable level of trust in him? What if it was too late…
There was a conversation that left me with added doubt. The statement was, “Maybe it will be good for a few weeks, 6 months, a year, or two years, but the abuse will come back.” Is it wrong to want a healthy life with him…I feel like the frustration of people surfaces that I anticipate for something, but deserve better. Love, devotion, and hope are all characteristics that strongly describe my essence. These have been accompanied with fear, withdrawn, and doubtful. The picture is clear, the parade of entries describes my insides strongly…I am everywhere on this map. The whirlwind experience of survival is harder than I ever imagined. Continuing to isolate myself isn’t the appropriate action to healing, but it is my initial reflex…I just want to be alone.
What am I left with…pieces…more pieces
~Nina~
One Foot in Front of the Other
I have been struggling for the past couple of days. I even avoided my computer as my entry is now late posing the date on Wednesday. My day today, my Tuesday brought great challenges. Several events occurred, many tears shed. Wanting to give up and go back is something I have thought about. The survival of the abuse leaves me with control of myself that I haven’t had for two years. Where do I start? What next? All I can do is continue to foster these emotions and trust that they will bring me the healing I need.
I spent a portion of my morning reading as I had the opportunity. I grabbed that paper weight again and opened to the pages that described the life I lived. I silently sobbed and asked many questions. The biggest question is, “Why?” I am not sure that this question can be answered. Today the excerpt that I interpreted was that the victim will continue to think about the abuser. How true, I constantly wonder what it is that I have done wrong. I wonder where he is and if he hates me. I ponder the chance of a life without abuse and with him. Can it happen?
Running, I began a training regimen for a half marathon. I stepped outside and I thought, “You can do this…” Placing one foot in front of the other is all I have to do. The revelation as my run was my survival. Everyday I reach inside and tell myself, “Just keep placing one foot in front of the other.” The beginning of my jaunt left me feeling empowered, as the journey continued I wanted to stop. I had this dying urge to just sit down on the sidewalk and cry. I kept going…I am doing this for the greater good.
Though there were a couple times I walked for 10-15 seconds, I tried to fight the feeling of failure. No, I am not failing myself, I am still moving. My mind wandered as I had no idea where I was going. Before I realized it I was on the other end of town. The path I took, I wasn’t sure. The image of his face, the picture of serenity…it all seemed so far away. All I want is to feel safe, to trust, to succeed…to be loved.
Running is much like living life. Goals, mile markers, endurance, pushing through the pain, all in a half hour I experience the last few weeks worth. Pride, I carry a deep sense of pride today. Sitting on the sidewalk isn’t an option. The tears, the sweat, and the pain, they all pull forth a strength I need. Can I do this? Absolutely!
The next mile could carry an answer…
~Nina~
I spent a portion of my morning reading as I had the opportunity. I grabbed that paper weight again and opened to the pages that described the life I lived. I silently sobbed and asked many questions. The biggest question is, “Why?” I am not sure that this question can be answered. Today the excerpt that I interpreted was that the victim will continue to think about the abuser. How true, I constantly wonder what it is that I have done wrong. I wonder where he is and if he hates me. I ponder the chance of a life without abuse and with him. Can it happen?
Running, I began a training regimen for a half marathon. I stepped outside and I thought, “You can do this…” Placing one foot in front of the other is all I have to do. The revelation as my run was my survival. Everyday I reach inside and tell myself, “Just keep placing one foot in front of the other.” The beginning of my jaunt left me feeling empowered, as the journey continued I wanted to stop. I had this dying urge to just sit down on the sidewalk and cry. I kept going…I am doing this for the greater good.
Though there were a couple times I walked for 10-15 seconds, I tried to fight the feeling of failure. No, I am not failing myself, I am still moving. My mind wandered as I had no idea where I was going. Before I realized it I was on the other end of town. The path I took, I wasn’t sure. The image of his face, the picture of serenity…it all seemed so far away. All I want is to feel safe, to trust, to succeed…to be loved.
Running is much like living life. Goals, mile markers, endurance, pushing through the pain, all in a half hour I experience the last few weeks worth. Pride, I carry a deep sense of pride today. Sitting on the sidewalk isn’t an option. The tears, the sweat, and the pain, they all pull forth a strength I need. Can I do this? Absolutely!
The next mile could carry an answer…
~Nina~
March 8, 2010
Long List of Obligations
Today hasn’t warranted me the opportunity to write. I have had an extensive day of task after task that has brought me to the end of my day, but not the end of my list. I hope that each and every one of you had a pleasant day with great revelations leading into positive tomorrows. Take care and good night!
My pages will fill tomorrow…
~Nina~
My pages will fill tomorrow…
~Nina~
March 7, 2010
Pieces Trailed…Identity Matched
The day has been a peculiar one, though a successful one. I managed the extensive list of things that had to be done to conclude the previous week and prepare for the upcoming days. This includes picking myself up and dusting myself off from a day of extreme despair yesterday. I gaze upon my computer screen and with wonder I ask, “Can I find the words?” Writing is a gift I have been blessed with amongst others, such as my keen eye for detail and vivid memory of even the perceived invisible.
The day was beautiful as the temperature climbed and the snow continued to melt. Spring is on its way and this season is the flourishing of new life. Plants surface, the seed becomes tended too, and the scent brings love. Walking through the greenery will bring peace deep to the derivation. The fresh air will encase a fostered insight that carries a breeze of self recognition.
The shear exquisite cycle of nature symbolizes the experiences we live everyday. The winter brought earlier hours of nightfall. The season’s night held the darkness I may have felt in the time of desolation, but I must remember the dawn brings new opportunities each day. The season begins to change and the ratio of daylight will bring a higher self preservation. This spring will present itself with the roots of my personality pleading to be nurtured.
As I embrace my inner insight I solved the mystery of my evening. There has been a presence offering the opportunity to trust. The need to ask for this identity to be revealed isn’t necessary as I pieced it together rather quickly on my own. Stepping forward with a hand in understanding is noble, but my acceptance is cautious. The action would be voluntary as I already know who you are.
Tonight as I lay down to rest, I carry a power to prevail this coming week. Holding my head high will provide the courage that resides deep within. Life is calling my name; my success seeks attendance only at my own efforts. I have one goal that I will strive to meet this week regardless of the unknown curve balls that may come my way.
My existence depends on one thing…me
~Nina~
The day was beautiful as the temperature climbed and the snow continued to melt. Spring is on its way and this season is the flourishing of new life. Plants surface, the seed becomes tended too, and the scent brings love. Walking through the greenery will bring peace deep to the derivation. The fresh air will encase a fostered insight that carries a breeze of self recognition.
The shear exquisite cycle of nature symbolizes the experiences we live everyday. The winter brought earlier hours of nightfall. The season’s night held the darkness I may have felt in the time of desolation, but I must remember the dawn brings new opportunities each day. The season begins to change and the ratio of daylight will bring a higher self preservation. This spring will present itself with the roots of my personality pleading to be nurtured.
As I embrace my inner insight I solved the mystery of my evening. There has been a presence offering the opportunity to trust. The need to ask for this identity to be revealed isn’t necessary as I pieced it together rather quickly on my own. Stepping forward with a hand in understanding is noble, but my acceptance is cautious. The action would be voluntary as I already know who you are.
Tonight as I lay down to rest, I carry a power to prevail this coming week. Holding my head high will provide the courage that resides deep within. Life is calling my name; my success seeks attendance only at my own efforts. I have one goal that I will strive to meet this week regardless of the unknown curve balls that may come my way.
My existence depends on one thing…me
~Nina~
March 6, 2010
A Swallow of Seclusion
Not one thing has brought ease to my heart today. My insides are torn and I have managed to keep them from becoming an uncontrolled flow of emotion this week for the most part, but as my fingers tap the keys tonight to bring a visual understanding of my emotions the tears trickle down my cheeks.
As I lifted my head from the pillow my hand searched his side. The bed remains empty, but I swore I could feel the warmth of his arm wrapped around me. Shattered as the dream I awoke from left me to cry, I looked to the heaven above and sobbed, “Why? Damnit, why couldn’t he stop?” I looked at the picture of us that I keep on the nightstand and I asked him, “Didn’t you love me? Don’t you love me?” Without an answer I pulled the covers back to wade my way through another tough day.
No matter what I did, today his image just didn’t seem to escape from my mind. Everything reminded me of his face, his voice, his scent, his stance. This great void in my heart brings me weak. As I filed my way through my to do list, one of my chores left me paused. A great sense of loss came as today is someone’s birthday. I have enjoyed creating bonds and building a family with the additions my marriage had brought. Where is my place? Where do I belong? The events have taken a stick and drawn a line, with or without intentions, in the sand. My footprints can’t cross, but maintain as I walk along this line. I pray each of them lives a life of prosperity. I may not get to be apart of a future addition or birthdays, but I will always love them and send a positive energy to each of them.
Several times through out my day I found myself holding myself up by bracing my hands on the counter, the table, the washer, and more. Why is today so hard? Not being able to put my finger on a reason, the emotion continued to escape from my essence. I tucked the kids in and as I kissed each of them goodnight a tear fell. As I turned the light off in my daughter’s room my reservation dissolved. I didn’t even make it down the stairs before the sobs of pain throbbed. I went into the laundry room; I stood in front of the long mirror and wondered. “What is wrong with me? What is the reason love has given up on me?”
My back sliding down the wall left me curled up on the floor. Alone, I could only seize an attempt in relief by allowing every feeling to pour out of me. I hugged myself as I have no other option at comfort. Isolation, the feeling of complete remoteness pulls my value lower. Pieces of me, my life lay scattered all around me. The foundation that couldn’t be built is a pile of rubble. I grab a few pieces, but none of them appear to fit together. My soul is an incomplete puzzle. The missing pieces form a hole that bleeds pain.
This day has brought a low. Can anyone understand the roller coaster of emotions as you sort out yourself while the dust settles? Searching for hope as the clouded vision brings strain? Questions that I am unsure I will ever be able to locate answers for.
Yesterday, today, and tomorrow…piecing together a desired strength…
~Nina~
As I lifted my head from the pillow my hand searched his side. The bed remains empty, but I swore I could feel the warmth of his arm wrapped around me. Shattered as the dream I awoke from left me to cry, I looked to the heaven above and sobbed, “Why? Damnit, why couldn’t he stop?” I looked at the picture of us that I keep on the nightstand and I asked him, “Didn’t you love me? Don’t you love me?” Without an answer I pulled the covers back to wade my way through another tough day.
No matter what I did, today his image just didn’t seem to escape from my mind. Everything reminded me of his face, his voice, his scent, his stance. This great void in my heart brings me weak. As I filed my way through my to do list, one of my chores left me paused. A great sense of loss came as today is someone’s birthday. I have enjoyed creating bonds and building a family with the additions my marriage had brought. Where is my place? Where do I belong? The events have taken a stick and drawn a line, with or without intentions, in the sand. My footprints can’t cross, but maintain as I walk along this line. I pray each of them lives a life of prosperity. I may not get to be apart of a future addition or birthdays, but I will always love them and send a positive energy to each of them.
Several times through out my day I found myself holding myself up by bracing my hands on the counter, the table, the washer, and more. Why is today so hard? Not being able to put my finger on a reason, the emotion continued to escape from my essence. I tucked the kids in and as I kissed each of them goodnight a tear fell. As I turned the light off in my daughter’s room my reservation dissolved. I didn’t even make it down the stairs before the sobs of pain throbbed. I went into the laundry room; I stood in front of the long mirror and wondered. “What is wrong with me? What is the reason love has given up on me?”
My back sliding down the wall left me curled up on the floor. Alone, I could only seize an attempt in relief by allowing every feeling to pour out of me. I hugged myself as I have no other option at comfort. Isolation, the feeling of complete remoteness pulls my value lower. Pieces of me, my life lay scattered all around me. The foundation that couldn’t be built is a pile of rubble. I grab a few pieces, but none of them appear to fit together. My soul is an incomplete puzzle. The missing pieces form a hole that bleeds pain.
This day has brought a low. Can anyone understand the roller coaster of emotions as you sort out yourself while the dust settles? Searching for hope as the clouded vision brings strain? Questions that I am unsure I will ever be able to locate answers for.
Yesterday, today, and tomorrow…piecing together a desired strength…
~Nina~
March 5, 2010
Whispers in the Wind
The sun came up and I had a list of things to do. I sat up on the edge of the bed and looked around. Empty, my soul is empty. I managed to get going, started the coffee, and there I was standing in front of the mirror. As I looked at the woman staring back at me, I wondered, “I will get through the day.”
The normal parade of breakfast, baths, and dressing my sweet darlings brought the start of my routine. The boys pulled at my pants as I combed my hair, my daughter watched as I applied my make-up. We are a team, a strong team. Then as I sauntered into the living room they trailed me and I turned to smile as my goslings looked up with happiness. We were ready for the day.
Time has passed and there has been a decision I have come to terms with. It hasn’t been an easy conclusion but one that serves a great purpose to everyone involved. As I have expressed before, this doesn’t close any doors. I continue to pray for a brighter future and my hopes will remain. I trembled as the ink met the paper. My signature symbolized my internal motion of grasping control back over my own life. In my eyes, divorce doesn’t hold a black and white definition, but it does maintain my stance on a life for me and my children without abuse. Our destiny will bring our future.
I walked out with a wave of emotions. Then as I sat down I found myself in a room, an empty room. I could hear his voice. The voice that has terrified me, the voice that would say, “I love you,” the voice that went to extreme lengths to intimidate me, the voice that would beg for forgiveness…the voice I have not heard in weeks. I reached out only to have my fingers met with nothing. No guidance, I am here to embrace my pain, my love, and my life. Though his voice was soft, I can’t remember the last time I heard his soft sense of compassion, genuine phrase of love, or appreciation for the pure gift of life. Lowering my eyes, I crossed my hands over my heart.
This day presented me with challenge. This day brought me internal opportunity. This day carried the blank canvas of my future. This day raised the serenity of life that must be lived. Today is the day I step forward to become the woman I aspire to be.
Love….love oneself…
~Nina~
The normal parade of breakfast, baths, and dressing my sweet darlings brought the start of my routine. The boys pulled at my pants as I combed my hair, my daughter watched as I applied my make-up. We are a team, a strong team. Then as I sauntered into the living room they trailed me and I turned to smile as my goslings looked up with happiness. We were ready for the day.
Time has passed and there has been a decision I have come to terms with. It hasn’t been an easy conclusion but one that serves a great purpose to everyone involved. As I have expressed before, this doesn’t close any doors. I continue to pray for a brighter future and my hopes will remain. I trembled as the ink met the paper. My signature symbolized my internal motion of grasping control back over my own life. In my eyes, divorce doesn’t hold a black and white definition, but it does maintain my stance on a life for me and my children without abuse. Our destiny will bring our future.
I walked out with a wave of emotions. Then as I sat down I found myself in a room, an empty room. I could hear his voice. The voice that has terrified me, the voice that would say, “I love you,” the voice that went to extreme lengths to intimidate me, the voice that would beg for forgiveness…the voice I have not heard in weeks. I reached out only to have my fingers met with nothing. No guidance, I am here to embrace my pain, my love, and my life. Though his voice was soft, I can’t remember the last time I heard his soft sense of compassion, genuine phrase of love, or appreciation for the pure gift of life. Lowering my eyes, I crossed my hands over my heart.
This day presented me with challenge. This day brought me internal opportunity. This day carried the blank canvas of my future. This day raised the serenity of life that must be lived. Today is the day I step forward to become the woman I aspire to be.
Love….love oneself…
~Nina~
March 4, 2010
Doubt…A Conversation of Doubt
I didn’t think I would be faced with such an event so early in my day. Upon rising this morning, I thought I would have one day to myself and think about how I am doing for me. I wanted to set aside one day and not focus at the situation at hand, but center my energy on a few goals that have been set aside due to the great efforts I have displayed for him. Today, again, is not my day.
I missed the first attempt at reaching me, but promptly returned the call. The communication with this person has been on a better note, so why hesitate as there may be a question about the kids. The introduction I received was the notion that this person heard about a recent decision I have made. The red flag is that, where did this knowledge come from as the full swing of my action hasn’t taken place yet. Also, the message received left me feeling as though it was a message that my husband wanted to be conveyed on his behalf.
I understand the boundaries that have been placed surfaces a frustration as communication is limited. At this moment, what would opening the lines of communication do? I don’t trust him, so presenting him with the opportunity to prove something to me wouldn’t do any justice for him as I would struggle to believe him. Providing him an unfair chance is not something my heart will warrant. Forcing a timeline to the path of healing will not bring anything else but added distress. Time is what will provide a recovery, this isn’t about crisis intervention, this is about leading a healthy life. Winning a wife back or gaining the ability to lead the life once lived will not benefit true change. Please note, I will always believe in him and my spirit will remain a support to him, but evolution, true evolution, will come when he looks inside and believes that the desire to be happy as well as the need to lead a healthy lifestyle is wanted with or without my physical presence at his side.
I am again left with doubt. This conversation surfaces deep emotions and one day, damnit, one day I would like not to struggle. This all has been so difficult. I didn’t make any decision lightly. I didn’t do this to cause pain. I suffer immensely and continue to wonder if I am doing the right thing. I interpreted a message from this individual as this, “Your verbal intentions are inconsistent with the action taken.” Sure, I understand how that can be perceived, but the black and white definition will also hinder personal growth for him and for myself. It doesn’t have to mean the book is closing, but it does mean that a new chapter must be started.
My intentions are not to close any door, but to maintain my position of living without abuse ever again. As this is a process, do I rule out a future with my husband? No. Can I ask though, how long does one continue to put their life on hold when their life has been set aside for so long already? Do I wait and not step forward or do I build myself and find direction for myself, my life? I appreciate the trying to understand this, but the only way to get the perspective I have is to view it as if you are the woman who has been presented with the treatment and life I have lived.
The destroyed self image I have leaves me with this waterfall of emotion. After weeks of crying I would begin to think I have gained a comfort with the moisture my eyes express each day, but I don’t. Heartache has set in and my belief that it will subside has faded. The relationship with myself is one I need to foster, yet struggle as the cards continue to fall with the outcome of my marriage.
Sorrow seeps into my soul…Pain encases my heart…
~Nina~
I missed the first attempt at reaching me, but promptly returned the call. The communication with this person has been on a better note, so why hesitate as there may be a question about the kids. The introduction I received was the notion that this person heard about a recent decision I have made. The red flag is that, where did this knowledge come from as the full swing of my action hasn’t taken place yet. Also, the message received left me feeling as though it was a message that my husband wanted to be conveyed on his behalf.
I understand the boundaries that have been placed surfaces a frustration as communication is limited. At this moment, what would opening the lines of communication do? I don’t trust him, so presenting him with the opportunity to prove something to me wouldn’t do any justice for him as I would struggle to believe him. Providing him an unfair chance is not something my heart will warrant. Forcing a timeline to the path of healing will not bring anything else but added distress. Time is what will provide a recovery, this isn’t about crisis intervention, this is about leading a healthy life. Winning a wife back or gaining the ability to lead the life once lived will not benefit true change. Please note, I will always believe in him and my spirit will remain a support to him, but evolution, true evolution, will come when he looks inside and believes that the desire to be happy as well as the need to lead a healthy lifestyle is wanted with or without my physical presence at his side.
I am again left with doubt. This conversation surfaces deep emotions and one day, damnit, one day I would like not to struggle. This all has been so difficult. I didn’t make any decision lightly. I didn’t do this to cause pain. I suffer immensely and continue to wonder if I am doing the right thing. I interpreted a message from this individual as this, “Your verbal intentions are inconsistent with the action taken.” Sure, I understand how that can be perceived, but the black and white definition will also hinder personal growth for him and for myself. It doesn’t have to mean the book is closing, but it does mean that a new chapter must be started.
My intentions are not to close any door, but to maintain my position of living without abuse ever again. As this is a process, do I rule out a future with my husband? No. Can I ask though, how long does one continue to put their life on hold when their life has been set aside for so long already? Do I wait and not step forward or do I build myself and find direction for myself, my life? I appreciate the trying to understand this, but the only way to get the perspective I have is to view it as if you are the woman who has been presented with the treatment and life I have lived.
The destroyed self image I have leaves me with this waterfall of emotion. After weeks of crying I would begin to think I have gained a comfort with the moisture my eyes express each day, but I don’t. Heartache has set in and my belief that it will subside has faded. The relationship with myself is one I need to foster, yet struggle as the cards continue to fall with the outcome of my marriage.
Sorrow seeps into my soul…Pain encases my heart…
~Nina~
March 3, 2010
Total Exhaustion
I will not be writing tonight. My cold has also progressed into an ear infection. With the whirlwind of emotions pressing and my physical health compromised, I am in need of rest. My goal is to go to bed and fall asleep without difficulty. Strength, I seek strength for the remaining portion of my week. Goodnight to each and every one of you. Take care and tune in tomorrow…
Praying for recovery…
~Nina~
Praying for recovery…
~Nina~
March 2, 2010
Wonder Where…Wonder How
My recent focus has been to channel a positive energy into myself. I had a busy day ahead of me as my children are again sick and my duties as a mother stand forefront. Going from one set of needs to the other, my day was focused and going well. With the blinds open the encouraging aura filled the house. I was gaining a sense of pride within for myself.
With everyone napping I took an opportunity to get the things done around the house that needed to be completed. I plugged in the radio and the room was filled with the rhythm of life. Making progress I carried this essence of success with proper posture. Back and forth from the living room to the kitchen, with a pause to stop and gaze at the collage of family photos, I was left thinking about the love of my life. My heart sunk and I fought a tear as I touched the photo of my husband and me. My mind did manage to wander back to the task at hand as the dryer buzzed, but he maintained a faint image floating with me as I would look up thinking he was in the room.
I switched the laundry and began putting the dishes away. Halted, I abruptly froze in my tracks as a song on the radio clouded my mind. The song “Didn’t You Know How Much I Loved You” by Kelly Pickler presented a description of my insides at that very moment. I lost the strength in my knees and there I was crumpled on the floor crying, sobbing for the love I hold. I have so many questions for him. Troubled as I struggle with the pondering if I would be able to trust the answers he had for me. Why, why did he do this to me?
I later took a small snooze while the kids were napping. The vision that was offered as my mind drifted brought a continued sorrow to my heart. The dream contained a picture of me folding laundry and as I looked up I saw the truck. Peering out, I noticed that no one was in it. I continued with the laundry when my peripheral vision caught movement. It was him, my husband climbing in to the vehicle. I reached out and my fingers trembled as they touched the cold glass. He didn’t see me, he didn’t see my sadness…
Sitting up, I realized that it was only a dream. My heart raced and I paced the house. Questions circled, “Why? Where is he? Why did he do this to me? What did I do wrong? How did my life get here? What does our future hold?” To calm myself I tried to focus on another task I had on my list. As I meandered into my closet, I set the box down. There it was, my wedding dress. The dress I will never get to wear. The dress I couldn’t wait to put on and walk down an aisle towards him as we renewed our vows. The dream of a traditional wedding faded and again I embraced the surge of emotions. I wiped the moisture from my face, “How did I get here?” continued to recite over and over within my thoughts. How did I not see the abuse and stop it sooner? I did see it, I tried…I prayed that the love I had would help bring him light to his inner darkness. It wasn’t enough, I wasn’t enough.
The rearrangement of furniture in several rooms symbolizes the rearrangement of emotion I have attempted for my inner being. It doesn’t matter how many times I shift the placement of certain feelings or emotions, the pain is still there. Today there was no getting away from the presence of grief for my marriage. I can’t shuffle my love, it is there…it remains. All I can do is again take the day and embrace it for I am human.
From the song, “I gave you everything, every part of me”
~Nina~
With everyone napping I took an opportunity to get the things done around the house that needed to be completed. I plugged in the radio and the room was filled with the rhythm of life. Making progress I carried this essence of success with proper posture. Back and forth from the living room to the kitchen, with a pause to stop and gaze at the collage of family photos, I was left thinking about the love of my life. My heart sunk and I fought a tear as I touched the photo of my husband and me. My mind did manage to wander back to the task at hand as the dryer buzzed, but he maintained a faint image floating with me as I would look up thinking he was in the room.
I switched the laundry and began putting the dishes away. Halted, I abruptly froze in my tracks as a song on the radio clouded my mind. The song “Didn’t You Know How Much I Loved You” by Kelly Pickler presented a description of my insides at that very moment. I lost the strength in my knees and there I was crumpled on the floor crying, sobbing for the love I hold. I have so many questions for him. Troubled as I struggle with the pondering if I would be able to trust the answers he had for me. Why, why did he do this to me?
I later took a small snooze while the kids were napping. The vision that was offered as my mind drifted brought a continued sorrow to my heart. The dream contained a picture of me folding laundry and as I looked up I saw the truck. Peering out, I noticed that no one was in it. I continued with the laundry when my peripheral vision caught movement. It was him, my husband climbing in to the vehicle. I reached out and my fingers trembled as they touched the cold glass. He didn’t see me, he didn’t see my sadness…
Sitting up, I realized that it was only a dream. My heart raced and I paced the house. Questions circled, “Why? Where is he? Why did he do this to me? What did I do wrong? How did my life get here? What does our future hold?” To calm myself I tried to focus on another task I had on my list. As I meandered into my closet, I set the box down. There it was, my wedding dress. The dress I will never get to wear. The dress I couldn’t wait to put on and walk down an aisle towards him as we renewed our vows. The dream of a traditional wedding faded and again I embraced the surge of emotions. I wiped the moisture from my face, “How did I get here?” continued to recite over and over within my thoughts. How did I not see the abuse and stop it sooner? I did see it, I tried…I prayed that the love I had would help bring him light to his inner darkness. It wasn’t enough, I wasn’t enough.
The rearrangement of furniture in several rooms symbolizes the rearrangement of emotion I have attempted for my inner being. It doesn’t matter how many times I shift the placement of certain feelings or emotions, the pain is still there. Today there was no getting away from the presence of grief for my marriage. I can’t shuffle my love, it is there…it remains. All I can do is again take the day and embrace it for I am human.
From the song, “I gave you everything, every part of me”
~Nina~
March 1, 2010
Seriously…Why Today
The weekend was rough and as the alarm sounded this morning, I prayed for a fresh week. I was up and ready to face my day. After my shower I pieced together a professional looking outfit. While curling my hair I thought to myself, “The day will be of what you make it.” There I was, my make-up applied and feeling as though I pulled off being beautiful today.
My sweet blessings were still sleeping so I gathered their things for the day. Moments later we were all loaded up and ready to go. I climbed in the vehicle and pushed the key forward in the ignition. What? It wouldn’t stay started. My slight amount of gas wasn’t registering as it was parked on a slope. I got out of the van and I looked to the sky with my hands in the air, “Seriously, today? Why today?” At what point will my integrity stop being tested. I used the resources I had and we were then on our way. Only a half an hour behind, I smiled in victory to the heavens above. “Yeah, yeah. I prevailed again,” I answered with an worn tone.
The day continued and I promised myself to hold my chin up regardless of my morning. I was feeling as though I just don’t deserve to have one day to proceed smoothly or one day not to hold a hurdle to jump. That’s right, “he won’t give me more than I can handle.” I filed papers, organized my week, and met a few personal goals of the day. Things were seemingly going in a positive step. I guess if I believe in myself then the day can turn around.
It was 45 minutes before my shift ended and I received the phone call. Great, the kids…all three of them…had fevers. I decided that this was too close to all the sickness encasing our lives a week ago. My determination was to have the kids evaluated. I updated everyone necessary and paraded my three little ones into the clinic. As the doctor went from one child to the next he continued to say, “Yep, this ear looks inflamed. This ear is infected.” An hour and half later we left with three prescriptions of antibiotics and the need for more Tylenol.
As I buckled the third precious gift of mine in, I closed the door. I walked around to the driver’s door and hung my head. Exhaustion pressed my soul, my heart. I finally lifted my eyes to the heavens above, “Can I ask? When will it stop? What do I have to do before the dishing of more ceases?” I drove home, the feeling of giving up and letting the forces of ever lasting trials destroy me came to mind. Will God stop then? I have worked so hard at sorting out and organizing the situations handed thus far. At that moment I felt his hand rest upon my shoulder, “I believe in you my child,” he silently expressed.
Six ear infections, three fevers, and one mom…we managed and everyone got the time they needed to settle into a restful sleep. As I tucked in each one of my children, I gazed at the strength I do have. Each set of sick eyes peered back at me, I realized that the day didn’t go as planned, but I did triumph.
Goodnight my darling angels…Mommy loves you!
~Nina~
My sweet blessings were still sleeping so I gathered their things for the day. Moments later we were all loaded up and ready to go. I climbed in the vehicle and pushed the key forward in the ignition. What? It wouldn’t stay started. My slight amount of gas wasn’t registering as it was parked on a slope. I got out of the van and I looked to the sky with my hands in the air, “Seriously, today? Why today?” At what point will my integrity stop being tested. I used the resources I had and we were then on our way. Only a half an hour behind, I smiled in victory to the heavens above. “Yeah, yeah. I prevailed again,” I answered with an worn tone.
The day continued and I promised myself to hold my chin up regardless of my morning. I was feeling as though I just don’t deserve to have one day to proceed smoothly or one day not to hold a hurdle to jump. That’s right, “he won’t give me more than I can handle.” I filed papers, organized my week, and met a few personal goals of the day. Things were seemingly going in a positive step. I guess if I believe in myself then the day can turn around.
It was 45 minutes before my shift ended and I received the phone call. Great, the kids…all three of them…had fevers. I decided that this was too close to all the sickness encasing our lives a week ago. My determination was to have the kids evaluated. I updated everyone necessary and paraded my three little ones into the clinic. As the doctor went from one child to the next he continued to say, “Yep, this ear looks inflamed. This ear is infected.” An hour and half later we left with three prescriptions of antibiotics and the need for more Tylenol.
As I buckled the third precious gift of mine in, I closed the door. I walked around to the driver’s door and hung my head. Exhaustion pressed my soul, my heart. I finally lifted my eyes to the heavens above, “Can I ask? When will it stop? What do I have to do before the dishing of more ceases?” I drove home, the feeling of giving up and letting the forces of ever lasting trials destroy me came to mind. Will God stop then? I have worked so hard at sorting out and organizing the situations handed thus far. At that moment I felt his hand rest upon my shoulder, “I believe in you my child,” he silently expressed.
Six ear infections, three fevers, and one mom…we managed and everyone got the time they needed to settle into a restful sleep. As I tucked in each one of my children, I gazed at the strength I do have. Each set of sick eyes peered back at me, I realized that the day didn’t go as planned, but I did triumph.
Goodnight my darling angels…Mommy loves you!
~Nina~
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