Last night was a night of great sorrow and a pain I never want to experience again. The reality is that I have before felt this pain and I will again some day. There is no getting away from this. I receive a letter that effected me in a way I didn’t think would. A conversation then followed that didn’t get anything much more accomplished then feeling like I had this black hole inside. I was hurt badly and I don’t know how to recover from this, from last night, or from the future that awaits me.
As I read the words and formed the understanding I couldn’t hold anything back. I sobbed uncontrollably. I could breathe and began to feel my stomach churn. Getting close to people is something I just no longer want to do…because the loss of something I worked for, I cherished has sunken into the shadows leaving me feel unsecure. A set of arms that lifted me have now become different. Laying awake most of the night I pleaded for God to just stop, to stop with the weight and the continued loss.
My conversation left me feeling frustrated as someone I want to understand doesn’t. I want to just quit trying to get people to understand. It is a roller coaster for me, I do great for days, weeks, a month…then within a day or two the weight I am presented with caves me. I am told this is normal by the resources I seek, but those then conflicts with the views of others, of the person I talked to last night. What am I? I feel broken and I already feel like a failure…like a huge let down, hearing the words I did last night only added to my solemn heart.
I would like to say I have never cried as hard as I did last night, but I have. I would like to say I have never lain awake so long, but I have. I would like to say this is the only morning I have not wanted to get out of bed, but it isn’t. I would like to say I have never felt this empty, but I have. I feel lost, so lost I am unsure how or if I can be found. Giving up on love, happiness, and healing is honestly at this moment something that feels desirable. I have considered to stop writing, this doesn’t help anyone…this blog. I have considered just falling off the radar and dissolving into the surroundings until I am unnoticed, just another person walking the streets.
Why keep trying…I seek all the appropriate resources and I have all the strength I can find to pull me out of a hole, I start feeling alive and then things change within one day. If for one second you think I am holding on to this, you are wrong. For some damn reason this hold has latched to my wrist and pulls without warning. Maybe I am not strong….maybe I am not what you believe I am. For that, I apologize.
Moving into my day, I am unsure just what is out there waiting for me. Frankly I don’t want to know, but I refuse to have a lurking depression win. I will go to work, I will be a success. My kids will wake up and see the woman I am as I love them more than they know. I will bring brightness to their day. I will continue to utilize the resources I have and just pray…because I am not the person that will give up or quit regardless of how strong that feeling is.
Wondering hour…Day left of live
~Nina~
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