Most of my day I thought about what to write or how to find just the right words to articulate how I am feeling and here I am…a mess. The complete whirlwind of emotions from yesterday has left myself and many others confused. I have no expectation that anyone will fully understand this struggle, the internal turmoil of learning how to become resilient to a cycle that has consumed them long enough to present this feeling of irreversible damage. I have worried, been scared, felt lost, and more today. How do I reach the ones I need to…how do I better explain?
There is so much going on and the pressure has built over the last few days, even a week. There is the wonder on my having stepped backwards and just how far I have gone. Last night I just wanted the pain to stop. As I look back, 24 hours ago, I have this vision of myself being frozen and everything swirling out of control as I became dizzy. So many emotions whipped by as well as scenarios and faces. Anticipating disappointment and distance from some has been my greatest fear. Is it fair that I continue to feel ashamed and to accept myself as a failure? Maybe it isn’t, though it is how I feel.
I feel like I am going to be forced to package up something that has meant so much to me. Altered, it has become altered. Reassurance of it being a bump and nothing more hasn’t left me assured at all. I can feel it in my bones; yesterday’s events will plant that seed, the starting point of doubt. Being able to read, understand, and feel mannerisms of another has been this gift that haunts me. It doesn’t take much for me to pick up on just how this will go. Just thinking about this dissolving treasure leaves me heartbroken. The emotions trickle down my face as I become even more alone. This will not be an easy adjustment…I pray it isn’t good-bye.
Day by day leaves this uncertainty that can change things within an hour, a minute, even a second. Right now there is a pain that hurts so deep that it brings more than a numb feeling, it has brought a sense of emptiness. I don’t want to reach out to anyone because I don’t want to again explain the river of emotion that pours with the words. I don’t want to meet anyone new because I don’t want to have to shed light to what I have gone through which has brought me to where I am and why I break down. Is my destiny to be alone? Can I be alone? I don’t want to hurt anyone and this chaos I have been forced to deal with has me trying to protect others making the lonely option the most functional.
As I try and focus I have this awful heaviness in my stomach. I feel sick. I am afraid there just are not enough of the right words to help express how I feel. I tried, tonight the listed above has been my best effort. I feel swallowed and empty. God, if you can hear me, I pray that I can sleep tonight, I pray that tomorrow sheds some sort of light to my darkness, and I pray this pain eases.
Please, I am begging…
~Nina~
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