Though yesterday was his release day, I wasn’t really affected by it until today. As I unlocked my door and stepped outside this morning I was swarmed by this overwhelming sense of nausea. Yesterday I stayed inside, avoided the reality of what I would be faced with…but today I had to face it. With new restrictions to the court order I feel on edge as he always tries to push the boundaries. I constantly looked over my shoulder, fearing he would be there ready to express his anger. I was doing so well, feeling like the power of his control was gone, and I was able to breath…today I was faced with a whole new whirlwind of emotion.
I pulled out of my driveway and headed off to work. My heart was racing and with the feeling of needing to vomit I realized that I had forgotten my badge for work. My mind already was pacing and causing distraction. When I unlocked the door I walked in, put my badge around my neck, and froze. At that very moment I felt I should place my wedding ring on, make immediate arrangements for him to know my sorrow, and make up to him…I felt I needed to be obedient to him as in his eyes I crossed him dearly. I felt like I was to take what he had for me. I felt swallowed by his control, my fear.
Where does this come from? I have felt strong these days…in control of my own world. I have been proud. It hasn’t hurt to breath, I have felt safe. With the simple knowledge of his ability to roam, I have no piece of mind to his frame of mind, whereabouts, or his intentions. Every vehicle that passed me left me gazing at the driver in wonder. Each unknown face resembled his. There came a point in my day where I couldn’t breath, I wanted…I needed answers.
Nothing is more captivating then the fear I had once again today. I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to hide, to just let him win. I didn’t open my blinds this afternoon when I got home. I again have become a prisoner to mere safety of my own walls. After tucking my sweet children in I was faced with solitude. In attempt to resist my tears I ran on the treadmill. As I looked forward I could see his face, I would turn up the speed with effort to break free from this invisible hold. I ran so hard that I found myself hunched over the toilet. Heaving this despair I am left to feel defeated.
I pray that I can rest tonight. I pray that with time there will be no reason for me to further fear him or his behavior anymore. All I want is to be able breath, smile, open my blinds, play outside, and not wonder if today will be the day he wants to be angry. I pray he can find peace within and too live a healthy life. I just want a balance…I just want to live.
Invisible hold…Reappearing fear
~Nina~
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment