This very moment I am drawing a blank. How do I feel? Why do I feel that way? Empty, there is this void, a black hole swallowing my essence. My day has been filled with non-stop movement. Laundry, dishes, children, homework, packing, and other miscellaneous chores have all keep my hands physically busy, but my mind races every avenue venturing various memories. The battle to keep tears from streaming was done with great effort, but to no prevail there was the falling of my overflowing emotion.
Kaden and Connor are growing with enthusiasm. I pulled the clothing they have outgrown from their closet. As I folded the outfits moisture flooded my eyes while placing them in a box. The realization that every first will now be my last has left me with extreme heartache. Having made the decision to be done having children presents me with the struggles of burying the hopes of cradling more babies in these arms. I understand that each stage I put behind us opens the door to another exciting phase in my children’s development. I truly appreciate every smile, giggle, and new word as I live for these very attributes to my parenthood. Though the future is bright I do wish I could freeze time at this very moment to gain more time with my babies, but these tears continue knowing that at the blink of an eye they will head into the voyage of becoming respectful men.
Chloe came up to me after her afternoon nap and wrapped her arms around my legs. “I love you so much Momma,” she radiates through her half waken daze. Immediately my heart floods as those beautiful brown eyes beamed up at me with the innocent love every child has for their mother. Kneeling down I embraced my precious little girl. Her entire existence of pure virtue will carry her to the achievement of her own deepest dreams. As I leaned back from giving her a hug I had a flash back of holding her for the first time. Three years later and all within the speed of light she continues to mature. Before my very eyes my treasured baby girl will flourish into a woman of great strength and determination.
My emotions of the day are of sadness indeed. Where I stand today is not where I pictured my shoes to be seven years ago. I am a young mother of three and pray that my hard work and fortitude will build my children with the foundation of a future that can take each of them places within their own aspirations. My goal is to give them the structure necessary to instill respectful morals and reverent values. I am a youthful woman and worry that my failures will out weigh my achievements. Fear, I am afraid of becoming lost due to the casted shadows of the overwhelming challenges enduring my ability to survive the drastic effects of my past. Various men in my life have taken and kept a piece of my existence. Slowly, I am trying to patch these holes in my heart. Today I shed the tears necessary to throw it over my shoulder and carry on.
Tomorrow…A new sunrise to cherish
~Nina~
May 31, 2010
May 30, 2010
Peaceful Day…New Face
Today has been a very relaxed day. My daughter was with her father, leaving the boys to have some Mom time. The innocence of their smiles, the hearty of their giggles embrace me with warmth as they are worth every minute. Being a mother is something I take with great pride. The three blessings that I have been given are the most precious gift I could ever have.
I mustered up some courage and heading to the shop. I got a hair cut. Anyone that knows me understands what it is to get me to the beauty salon. I struggle with change and very seldom stray from the style I have had since high school. With all that has taken place in my life, I opened up to the arms of the stylist. I tried something different. When I got home I curled it a little and applied some make-up. A whole new woman stood there peering back at me.
While the boys rested I took some time to look inside. Things have once again become a strain and I just don’t want to give up. For a half hour I sat on the couch to gaze out my front window. I have had the blinds shut for 2 weeks now. I broke the desire of isolation today and was wrapped with the power of the sunshine cascading in. As the emotion streamed from my eyes I pondered my future. Perseverance will carry me through.
The day was a good one. I felt stronger. I even made a wonderful and health supper of grilled tilapia and sugar snap peas. Taking some time to take care of yourself is the most important thing anyone can do for themselves. It has taken me some time, but I am placing my needs up there on the priority list. No one will take care of me…only I can.
Beautiful outside…Amazing inside
~Nina~
I mustered up some courage and heading to the shop. I got a hair cut. Anyone that knows me understands what it is to get me to the beauty salon. I struggle with change and very seldom stray from the style I have had since high school. With all that has taken place in my life, I opened up to the arms of the stylist. I tried something different. When I got home I curled it a little and applied some make-up. A whole new woman stood there peering back at me.
While the boys rested I took some time to look inside. Things have once again become a strain and I just don’t want to give up. For a half hour I sat on the couch to gaze out my front window. I have had the blinds shut for 2 weeks now. I broke the desire of isolation today and was wrapped with the power of the sunshine cascading in. As the emotion streamed from my eyes I pondered my future. Perseverance will carry me through.
The day was a good one. I felt stronger. I even made a wonderful and health supper of grilled tilapia and sugar snap peas. Taking some time to take care of yourself is the most important thing anyone can do for themselves. It has taken me some time, but I am placing my needs up there on the priority list. No one will take care of me…only I can.
Beautiful outside…Amazing inside
~Nina~
May 29, 2010
Lonely Fear…Reaching for Help
Waking each day I again feel exhausted. I constantly fight the urge to give up. His ever so dangerous spiral downward has me weathered and left me feeling defeated. My survival technique once again has been put in place with the isolation of myself from the support I had. Hiding and praying that it would just stop has done nothing but let it progress. I have feared the “I told you so’s,” or turned backs with the view that I have allowed him to enrapture me once again. I feel very similar to the way I felt in January, February, and March. He has gained control of my fears once again.
Trusting and believing are characteristics that have gotten me where I am today. I prayed he would never go back, that the help he sought would change his life for him. All I have ever wanted is safety and health for the entire family. What went wrong? Where did he slip? I don’t know and trying to figure it out is costing me my own life.
It took weeks to not shutter when my phone would ring or beep. The freedom that was released during the period he couldn’t legally contact me allowed me to relax. Since, the order was dropped, slowly things have swung back. When my phone rings I want to hide. When it beeps my heart skips a beat. I have no idea who it is, but my first thought is that it is him and I have no idea what faces me on the other end.
The caller ID places his name to the call and my body freezes with fear. Do I answer it or do I leave it? Trying both has left me slandered. The anger in his voice, the rage received as he speaks to me presents his face to the forefront of my mind. I breakdown…at times he can hear my tears, other times I manage to keep it together until he hangs up and I sob with trepidation.
Seeing him elevates my heart rate once again. I pray that there is no question asked of me that surfaces his need for control when I cannot answer it. “Please God, I can’t handle the look of great disgust and hatred today,” plays through my mind. He has slammed his car door, he has screamed at me, he has again threatened me, he as looked at me with those cold eyes that slashed my existence while saying, “Fuck you,” and blamed me for all the loss he currently has. Hate, his message to me is that he truly hates me.
Honestly I want to give up. It is so hard to not just bow my head and give in to him. At times I think if I just let him come home, drop the divorce, and let him dominate me then he will calm down. The abuse would be easier to take, to handle than this. That is how I feel right now and the only thing that keeps me from surrendering are my children’s faces. They deserve better.
Powerless, tonight I feel defenseless. I cannot protect myself as I fear his reaction. I know that I deserve to feel safe, but I again am trying to scratch myself out of the survival abyss. Struggling with what I can do causes me emotional strain and physical sickness. I don’t make quick decisions…I will proceed with education and pray my gut carries me through. As my arms reach out, I am met with nothing. The emptiness is eroding my soul.
Why now…Will it ever end
~Nina~
Trusting and believing are characteristics that have gotten me where I am today. I prayed he would never go back, that the help he sought would change his life for him. All I have ever wanted is safety and health for the entire family. What went wrong? Where did he slip? I don’t know and trying to figure it out is costing me my own life.
It took weeks to not shutter when my phone would ring or beep. The freedom that was released during the period he couldn’t legally contact me allowed me to relax. Since, the order was dropped, slowly things have swung back. When my phone rings I want to hide. When it beeps my heart skips a beat. I have no idea who it is, but my first thought is that it is him and I have no idea what faces me on the other end.
The caller ID places his name to the call and my body freezes with fear. Do I answer it or do I leave it? Trying both has left me slandered. The anger in his voice, the rage received as he speaks to me presents his face to the forefront of my mind. I breakdown…at times he can hear my tears, other times I manage to keep it together until he hangs up and I sob with trepidation.
Seeing him elevates my heart rate once again. I pray that there is no question asked of me that surfaces his need for control when I cannot answer it. “Please God, I can’t handle the look of great disgust and hatred today,” plays through my mind. He has slammed his car door, he has screamed at me, he has again threatened me, he as looked at me with those cold eyes that slashed my existence while saying, “Fuck you,” and blamed me for all the loss he currently has. Hate, his message to me is that he truly hates me.
Honestly I want to give up. It is so hard to not just bow my head and give in to him. At times I think if I just let him come home, drop the divorce, and let him dominate me then he will calm down. The abuse would be easier to take, to handle than this. That is how I feel right now and the only thing that keeps me from surrendering are my children’s faces. They deserve better.
Powerless, tonight I feel defenseless. I cannot protect myself as I fear his reaction. I know that I deserve to feel safe, but I again am trying to scratch myself out of the survival abyss. Struggling with what I can do causes me emotional strain and physical sickness. I don’t make quick decisions…I will proceed with education and pray my gut carries me through. As my arms reach out, I am met with nothing. The emptiness is eroding my soul.
Why now…Will it ever end
~Nina~
May 26, 2010
Refocus…Determination
Falling off the routine that I established for myself brought a sluggish desire to give up. You can see it in my entries; I felt it in my heart. Everything I have to do, each aspect of my life needs a great deal of focus and it became very easy for me to instead put a pair of sunglasses on. Leading a blind eye gave me what I thought was a sense of freedom or relief, but in actuality it caused me to fall behind and bring a frustrated struggle within.
I woke up one day last week and looked in the mirror. I asked myself, “What are you doing?” The response was a silent trickle of tears that rolled down my cheeks. I nodded and knew at that very moment my reflection was trying to reach out to me. Fight, don’t give up…my determination didn’t flip back like a switch; it took days to get myself put back together. I almost forgot the sense of accomplishment I had daily. Regardless of my exhaustion, I always felt as I was becoming a success while carrying pride in my efforts. Drawing in a breath at this very moment I feel relieved as I grasp the drive that marks my personal character.
As I take in my experiences, my life unfolds with a continued realization that there is not a point where the bar becomes lighter. The challenge of my personal integrity continues to prove strength as I climb the altitudes of independence. Certain hikes hold a steeper slope than others and that is the beauty of pressing through while developing stamina. Conditioning my emotional health brings increased physical capabilities. I strive to mold a well-rounded woman with unlimited inspirations.
Depression will not win. The demon that attempts to rob me of the elation my life embraces belongs in one place--the Inferno of Dante Alighieri's Divine Comedy. I refuse to surrender…my willpower presses to victory. Hands folded, I pray to the heavens above. Appreciation surfaced as the lesson taught remains that God’s belief in me is the rerouted belief I have in myself.
Natural cycle of life…Rising ring of recovery
~Nina~
I woke up one day last week and looked in the mirror. I asked myself, “What are you doing?” The response was a silent trickle of tears that rolled down my cheeks. I nodded and knew at that very moment my reflection was trying to reach out to me. Fight, don’t give up…my determination didn’t flip back like a switch; it took days to get myself put back together. I almost forgot the sense of accomplishment I had daily. Regardless of my exhaustion, I always felt as I was becoming a success while carrying pride in my efforts. Drawing in a breath at this very moment I feel relieved as I grasp the drive that marks my personal character.
As I take in my experiences, my life unfolds with a continued realization that there is not a point where the bar becomes lighter. The challenge of my personal integrity continues to prove strength as I climb the altitudes of independence. Certain hikes hold a steeper slope than others and that is the beauty of pressing through while developing stamina. Conditioning my emotional health brings increased physical capabilities. I strive to mold a well-rounded woman with unlimited inspirations.
Depression will not win. The demon that attempts to rob me of the elation my life embraces belongs in one place--the Inferno of Dante Alighieri's Divine Comedy. I refuse to surrender…my willpower presses to victory. Hands folded, I pray to the heavens above. Appreciation surfaced as the lesson taught remains that God’s belief in me is the rerouted belief I have in myself.
Natural cycle of life…Rising ring of recovery
~Nina~
May 24, 2010
Current Emotion…Similar Fear
There have been red flags brought to my attention. Is today the first time? Was last week the first time? No, there has been behavior that I prayed would never happen again. Though he doesn’t live under the same roof, he still has managed to suck me back into an abusive cycle. There is such a thing as abuse after separation and I feel trapped…insecure.
Anger and control has such a strong grasp on the man I had married, the man I fear. I didn’t ever think that things would return to a point where I would feel unsafe again, but it has happened. I never thought I would again feel isolated and emotionally drained as I have the past few weeks. The desire to eat has vanished, the ability to sleep peacefully once again gone. Why? Where does this come from?
I have maintained the boundaries from him having physical access to me. Things had been going very smooth and the trust invested to a co-parenting relationship was there. I just want the best for my children which includes a healthy relationship with their father. The encapsulated control and instilled fear was re-established as he verbalized anger. His anger induced my fears once again.
Uncomfortable pressure has been consistently placed regardless of my request for it to cease. Personal boundaries once again pressed until he was able to place a toe over the line. The constant texts and repeated phone calls…the emotional badgering and heightening of his discomfort at losing control leaves me to be extremely concerned.
The flood of emotion surges from my eyes. The tears pour a river of sadness from my heart. The question of survival stares me in the face once again. The threat made causes me to cower to the shadows of my crumbled essence. Can I pull together? Can I search and find the strength once again? Looking above…I pray.
Isolation leeks…Fear freezes
~Nina~
Anger and control has such a strong grasp on the man I had married, the man I fear. I didn’t ever think that things would return to a point where I would feel unsafe again, but it has happened. I never thought I would again feel isolated and emotionally drained as I have the past few weeks. The desire to eat has vanished, the ability to sleep peacefully once again gone. Why? Where does this come from?
I have maintained the boundaries from him having physical access to me. Things had been going very smooth and the trust invested to a co-parenting relationship was there. I just want the best for my children which includes a healthy relationship with their father. The encapsulated control and instilled fear was re-established as he verbalized anger. His anger induced my fears once again.
Uncomfortable pressure has been consistently placed regardless of my request for it to cease. Personal boundaries once again pressed until he was able to place a toe over the line. The constant texts and repeated phone calls…the emotional badgering and heightening of his discomfort at losing control leaves me to be extremely concerned.
The flood of emotion surges from my eyes. The tears pour a river of sadness from my heart. The question of survival stares me in the face once again. The threat made causes me to cower to the shadows of my crumbled essence. Can I pull together? Can I search and find the strength once again? Looking above…I pray.
Isolation leeks…Fear freezes
~Nina~
May 23, 2010
Cascade of Dance…Fluidity of Love
The weekend has been filled with great laughter, deep adoration, playful banter, and satisfying peace. A much needed mini vacation lifted my spirits. This get-a-way from the everyday routine allowed me to kick back and break free from the emotional chains that have kept my soul a prisoner within as well as held my aspirations temporarily hostage. Motivation was located and strength set free. I was able to look at things and bring perspective to my life…my hopes.
As I woke up today my eyes had a flash of beauty illuminate the room. The comfort wrapped around me bringing this sense of security. There was the urge to lunge forward into the journey standing before me. I tootled around, meandering, the vast array of emotions that have filled my heart. Just as I was about to walk out the door I was embraced with the pull of need, affection from the future endeavors I envision. Peace enveloped my soul…serenity flowed through my veins.
Throughout my afternoon I listened to the many genres of my emotions as my song list played a variety of my favorite tunes. I allowed the rhythm to pulse through my body and touch my soul. The lyrics painted a bright essence to the vitality that escaped me at that very moment. Love, the romantic yearn to encounter the compassion of another soul reaching to mine. This all brought an aching tenderness to my heart...to the characteristic that marks my personality--sensual.
The upcoming week will bring new challenges and ventures. I start a new class as well as step into the core of a new project at work. Juggling everything will be a feat, but I know that I can do this...I have before. I will continue to pave my way to a personal success and that starts today. I will not, I cannot put off until tomorrow what I can do today. My drive is back…my need to fight the defeat this strong. I just needed to take some time to sync my inspirations to my heart as this is the part of me in which pushes me above the standards I hold for myself.
Let love carry you through…Embrace the lifted warmth
~Nina~
As I woke up today my eyes had a flash of beauty illuminate the room. The comfort wrapped around me bringing this sense of security. There was the urge to lunge forward into the journey standing before me. I tootled around, meandering, the vast array of emotions that have filled my heart. Just as I was about to walk out the door I was embraced with the pull of need, affection from the future endeavors I envision. Peace enveloped my soul…serenity flowed through my veins.
Throughout my afternoon I listened to the many genres of my emotions as my song list played a variety of my favorite tunes. I allowed the rhythm to pulse through my body and touch my soul. The lyrics painted a bright essence to the vitality that escaped me at that very moment. Love, the romantic yearn to encounter the compassion of another soul reaching to mine. This all brought an aching tenderness to my heart...to the characteristic that marks my personality--sensual.
The upcoming week will bring new challenges and ventures. I start a new class as well as step into the core of a new project at work. Juggling everything will be a feat, but I know that I can do this...I have before. I will continue to pave my way to a personal success and that starts today. I will not, I cannot put off until tomorrow what I can do today. My drive is back…my need to fight the defeat this strong. I just needed to take some time to sync my inspirations to my heart as this is the part of me in which pushes me above the standards I hold for myself.
Let love carry you through…Embrace the lifted warmth
~Nina~
May 22, 2010
Love May…Dreams can Say
The past few weeks have brought distance within. My daily activity to capture the emotions experienced everyday has trickled to a slow stream. So much goes through my mind and fear has capsulated my heart once again. There has been some difficulty with the man I have separated myself from. There has been heartache within other relationships of importance in my life. I feel that I am beginning to stack one brick at a time to build isolation around me. I need to step back and realize this won’t be safe; it can’t be a long term fix.
The sharing of my story has helped me as well as many others. I cannot let that healing empowerment fall to the way side. I need to grasp the love and passion in which marks my internal being. I am a woman of great appreciation…compassion for life. I often wonder if I will be able to fully let go of my inhibitions and welcome the connection of another. Will I struggle with the internal question of falling for another man? Yes…yes I will.
Dreaming is the nightly entrance to my own imagination. I continue to learn about myself and of my deep desires. My curiosity of embracing emotions that I have lived for continue to surface. The shadows hold the mystery of love. Can I…will I meet him one day?
The Knight of Her Dreams
Her head meets the pillow for her mind to rest
Casted in shadows his figure to see is her desire
Features imagined leaving a need of the quest
His soft touch, his smile all for her to admire
Eyes closed she prays for there to be no delay
Drifting the depths her fantasy so deep and pure
Peace encases her soul, mystery heads her way
Stature of strength he walks toward her with lure
Mist hovers, merely only the silhouette of his face
Drawing in a deep breath, her hand trails her neck
His cologne, the lust causing her heartbeat to race
Gazing at him, seduction paving his path with beck
Anticipation melted as his arms embrace her so bold
Security flows, relaxing it carries through her frame
Connection captured, no words needed for it to be told
Peering into his eyes she can see he feels the same
His hand caresses her cheek, guiding her to a kiss
Electricity bolts though her entire being to capture
The emotions crumble her once urge to be of resists
Confidences present, no longer does she feel unsure
Spending the hours with her knight was a blessing
A dream she hoped for evolved of such a great beauty
Their time too short as the near dawn was pressing
Upon waking his memory, sorrow as her arms empty
The presence of the vitality his touch sets her free
~Nina~
This morning I woke up with a new mind frame. I don’t have to give up and I know the fight will never die. Moving forward will bring strength and guidance to my essence. I leave you with a verse I wrote a few weeks ago. I recite this to myself daily and today the true meaning is bold.
One man lost his chance, threw away his life…had world by the hand, many wishing she was their wife…dedication she swore, hard work she deemed…advantage was taken, things not as they seemed…free she may feel, seeking life of pleasure…feeling as one man’s trash, hoping someday another man’s treasure…
~Nina~
The sharing of my story has helped me as well as many others. I cannot let that healing empowerment fall to the way side. I need to grasp the love and passion in which marks my internal being. I am a woman of great appreciation…compassion for life. I often wonder if I will be able to fully let go of my inhibitions and welcome the connection of another. Will I struggle with the internal question of falling for another man? Yes…yes I will.
Dreaming is the nightly entrance to my own imagination. I continue to learn about myself and of my deep desires. My curiosity of embracing emotions that I have lived for continue to surface. The shadows hold the mystery of love. Can I…will I meet him one day?
The Knight of Her Dreams
Her head meets the pillow for her mind to rest
Casted in shadows his figure to see is her desire
Features imagined leaving a need of the quest
His soft touch, his smile all for her to admire
Eyes closed she prays for there to be no delay
Drifting the depths her fantasy so deep and pure
Peace encases her soul, mystery heads her way
Stature of strength he walks toward her with lure
Mist hovers, merely only the silhouette of his face
Drawing in a deep breath, her hand trails her neck
His cologne, the lust causing her heartbeat to race
Gazing at him, seduction paving his path with beck
Anticipation melted as his arms embrace her so bold
Security flows, relaxing it carries through her frame
Connection captured, no words needed for it to be told
Peering into his eyes she can see he feels the same
His hand caresses her cheek, guiding her to a kiss
Electricity bolts though her entire being to capture
The emotions crumble her once urge to be of resists
Confidences present, no longer does she feel unsure
Spending the hours with her knight was a blessing
A dream she hoped for evolved of such a great beauty
Their time too short as the near dawn was pressing
Upon waking his memory, sorrow as her arms empty
The presence of the vitality his touch sets her free
~Nina~
This morning I woke up with a new mind frame. I don’t have to give up and I know the fight will never die. Moving forward will bring strength and guidance to my essence. I leave you with a verse I wrote a few weeks ago. I recite this to myself daily and today the true meaning is bold.
One man lost his chance, threw away his life…had world by the hand, many wishing she was their wife…dedication she swore, hard work she deemed…advantage was taken, things not as they seemed…free she may feel, seeking life of pleasure…feeling as one man’s trash, hoping someday another man’s treasure…
~Nina~
May 15, 2010
Pieces Everywhere…Motivation Lingers
One week has passed since I have pieced together the interpretation of my insides. Writing is my way to pour out the emotions that build and I can then channel them into a positive energy. To be frank, I am not sure the haze has lifted quite yet. I honestly have felt the darkness of depression cloud over my energy the past few weeks. Not everything in my life has been a negative endeavor, but one particular aspect of my life has been draining the life right out of me. I never imagined the continued heartache from the newly built avenues of confrontation, but the challenge remains. Regardless of the months that have passed I am faced with pressure that I refuse to live with.
I would like to assume it has been the recent dissolving of an important tie to me, but I was informed a few days ago that the crumbled foundation took place moons ago. It was expressed to me that life moved on without me many years ago and this person hasn’t had any sort of trust invested in me for so long that the belief of my experience was never there to begin with. Rest assured, one of my gifts is the ability to read behavior and pick up on the invisible. I knew that this person didn’t and wouldn’t support me, but he asks why I didn’t come to him sooner. Why? This is all I have to say, “The outcome would have been the same as your belief in me was lost years ago.”
Life is a gift and I live to appreciate every day I get on this earth. I have worked hard for all that I have now and all that I have lost. I am a person that any parent could be proud of, yet struggle to be of quality to the one person I have strived for acceptance from for years. Please save me the heartache of reliving a false hope that things have changed. There is an underlying cycle within yourself and if I had known the truth, I wouldn’t have had a phone call made to you in a time of urgency. You don’t get the chance to mess with someone’s heart when you are unsure of your own internal turmoil. You said your piece, you hurt me dearly…don’t try to back track the damage caused due to your insecurities. You made a decision…stand by it, a lesson you have preached to me for so long.
One thing I have learned is that this is my life and my destiny remains in my own hands. I know what I have put into both my marriages and still I am left to wonder if it was my fault, if I only had been able to do more both times. I would never regret either of the experiences or any of my children. They are my world, a gift from God. The message received about my choices and how I handle my problems was inappropriate. I am not running and I refuse to live in regret. I have and will continue to make my own decisions. I will stand by these decisions…right, wrong, or indifferent, they are my decisions.
The ever dying need to have your approval has cost me time. Another week of reliving experiences as you planted the seed of doubt as to what I have been through not being as severe as it was and for what, to again feel as though I have failed you dearly. Any failures I have had or will have are mine; I am not living for you or your opinion of me anymore. As this tear rolls down my face the struggle to let you go is there, but necessary. As my head tips in this silent good-bye, I hope you can find in your heart what makes you happy.
You may not be proud…But I know I am worthy
~Nina~
I would like to assume it has been the recent dissolving of an important tie to me, but I was informed a few days ago that the crumbled foundation took place moons ago. It was expressed to me that life moved on without me many years ago and this person hasn’t had any sort of trust invested in me for so long that the belief of my experience was never there to begin with. Rest assured, one of my gifts is the ability to read behavior and pick up on the invisible. I knew that this person didn’t and wouldn’t support me, but he asks why I didn’t come to him sooner. Why? This is all I have to say, “The outcome would have been the same as your belief in me was lost years ago.”
Life is a gift and I live to appreciate every day I get on this earth. I have worked hard for all that I have now and all that I have lost. I am a person that any parent could be proud of, yet struggle to be of quality to the one person I have strived for acceptance from for years. Please save me the heartache of reliving a false hope that things have changed. There is an underlying cycle within yourself and if I had known the truth, I wouldn’t have had a phone call made to you in a time of urgency. You don’t get the chance to mess with someone’s heart when you are unsure of your own internal turmoil. You said your piece, you hurt me dearly…don’t try to back track the damage caused due to your insecurities. You made a decision…stand by it, a lesson you have preached to me for so long.
One thing I have learned is that this is my life and my destiny remains in my own hands. I know what I have put into both my marriages and still I am left to wonder if it was my fault, if I only had been able to do more both times. I would never regret either of the experiences or any of my children. They are my world, a gift from God. The message received about my choices and how I handle my problems was inappropriate. I am not running and I refuse to live in regret. I have and will continue to make my own decisions. I will stand by these decisions…right, wrong, or indifferent, they are my decisions.
The ever dying need to have your approval has cost me time. Another week of reliving experiences as you planted the seed of doubt as to what I have been through not being as severe as it was and for what, to again feel as though I have failed you dearly. Any failures I have had or will have are mine; I am not living for you or your opinion of me anymore. As this tear rolls down my face the struggle to let you go is there, but necessary. As my head tips in this silent good-bye, I hope you can find in your heart what makes you happy.
You may not be proud…But I know I am worthy
~Nina~
May 8, 2010
Chain of Events…Explained Absence
The last week of my life has been filled with more than one week should. Lots of talk, emotions, conversations, and weight from people that isn’t necessary. I don’t appreciate having the behavior I have received. Doing and being polite is my personal character. Getting pushed over and over…can that change a person? Will it change me? No, I will be who I am. I will not however continue to suffer harassment from people that do not hold the facts and investigate only to construct untrue conclusions.
Family, the average family in our nation is dysfunctional. The question is, “What is normal?” My opinion though is the demeanor of a family that I excepted as my own holds a level of uncertainty and trust was shattered due to their lack of control. My last words….
To Whom It May Concern:
Never once did I think I would be writing a letter of this nature to a family that I loved so dearly. You were a group of people I became honored to be apart of. I meshed quickly and the bond seemed to deepen. This is exactly why I am very disheartened as I sit here expressing the painful departure I am left with.
The signs were there, I reached out to each and every one of you. I needed help and the kids needed help. Pride stood in your way to realize what was happening behind closed doors. The experience of his first marriage and the image of his first wife clouded your ability to see the character you all appreciated at one time remains the woman you called family, the mother of your grandchildren. I haven’t changed from the first time I stepped through your front door. The respect of your first impression of me as you sat on the foot stool in the computer room that initial visit…I am and have always been that woman. The conversation we had in the truck after the July incident…emotion I greatly appreciated and followed through for. The personal conversations with both all are valued experiences. I am very saddened at the outcome of this family. These tears are of raw hurt and as painful as they are, I struggle to say goodbye.
When safety for the kids and I rose to the level of jeopardy, I did what I had to do. One person expressed that regardless of my having to do what I needed to do, she would not remove me from her heart and that my children and I would remain a part of the family. In email correspondences she expressed that she didn’t like that my husband was abusive to women or how he treated me. This person was someone both my husband and I tried to turn to. Her backside was the biggest shock to me. Another person told me in a conversation that several times I expressed that I couldn’t do or take this, meaning the marriage, anymore and she said I would have to do what I had to do. As you stand in the mirror and peer at your reflection, remember the personal behaviors you have experienced with him. Please, remember the red flags that you may have seen and never addressed with me. My husband explained that you would go to him and have talks with him after incidents that took place in your home (events he emotionally beat me down with as he described I embarrassed him in front of his family), such as him picking and berating me until I would run upstairs to vomit due to the emotion…did you once check on me or evaluate what this was doing to me. Remember that I was cooperative and remained sensitive to the surprise of this entire thing when it happened, but the kids and I lived with what we had on our backs and out of a hotel while he acted with rage, without cooperation. I never wanted to recruit you as support on my side, but what I received went beyond the fathomable.
The dissolving of this has happened with the trickling of several events. Sadly, material things and power struggles have crumbled all possibilities of reconciliation. Past experiences of sudden change in demeanor and feelings of awkwardness were extremely difficult, yes this includes the events of going from “I love you’s” and hugs to nothing was devastating, but crushing as 6 months later a woman put her soul into a heart felt gift, a gift both of you deserved, was the defining factor of respect yearned back.
Betrayed is exactly how I feel and the reason for this writing is due to the phone call made. Back in February I described the hurt I had from my family being a part of something I had no knowledge of as the equivalent of how your family felt with the cooperation of your family in a situation that left you feeling deceived. You said, “When you explain it like that, I understand and we apologize.” I understood this as you wouldn’t be involving my family or contacting them without my knowledge again. Two weeks after that I was informed of another phone call along with a recent phone call. Devastation, this is how your unethical behavior has weighted.
I want to state: This is why women don’t come forward. With everything I have been through with you or my own family, others of the community…I find myself thinking that staying would have been easier. Taking the abuse and living in fear left me feeling alone, in complete solitude, but this, this is just as painful. Women stay or leave in silence due to the treatment brought forth from many including you. Ask yourself, who in this world is deserving of a life with the fearing someone as badly as I have. Again, who is deserving of the pressure and disrespect received. More importantly, what child is deserving of living in such an environment that caused delay to development or behavioral affects. Certainly, my kids and I don’t. Even the kids’ Dad can recognize what it was doing to the kids, that the reality was there, and that the steps were necessary. Next time you want to be disappointed with my reactions to the life I was presented with, realize he could have lost his kids if I hadn’t taken the precautions I had. He could have lost any decent relationship with his kids as the abusive behavior was causing a wedge between him and his kids. Now, recently what I witness is a very healthy relationship and future with his children and this is very important to me, him, and our children.
As trust has been violated with my husband, so has the belief of my existence as a part of this family. I understand that as an event such as divorce happens a line gets drawn. You all have clearly traced that line until bold isn’t even the descriptor necessary. I again need to reiterate that I never imagined this coming, but unfortunately it has. This pains me to say goodbye, but is necessary as the emotional storm you bring just cannot burden my life or energy anymore.
Take care,
At this very moment I am burying the feelings of pain. It doesn’t matter who interprets what. Someone told me this week that you can’t control what happens on the other side. That is exactly right. I know who I am and what I have had to do. I can only control what they get from me and no more will I walk in shoes that are thankless. Moving forward isn’t easy and maintaining a path of recovery is just as difficult.
I am strong…I continue to prevail
~Nina~
Family, the average family in our nation is dysfunctional. The question is, “What is normal?” My opinion though is the demeanor of a family that I excepted as my own holds a level of uncertainty and trust was shattered due to their lack of control. My last words….
To Whom It May Concern:
Never once did I think I would be writing a letter of this nature to a family that I loved so dearly. You were a group of people I became honored to be apart of. I meshed quickly and the bond seemed to deepen. This is exactly why I am very disheartened as I sit here expressing the painful departure I am left with.
The signs were there, I reached out to each and every one of you. I needed help and the kids needed help. Pride stood in your way to realize what was happening behind closed doors. The experience of his first marriage and the image of his first wife clouded your ability to see the character you all appreciated at one time remains the woman you called family, the mother of your grandchildren. I haven’t changed from the first time I stepped through your front door. The respect of your first impression of me as you sat on the foot stool in the computer room that initial visit…I am and have always been that woman. The conversation we had in the truck after the July incident…emotion I greatly appreciated and followed through for. The personal conversations with both all are valued experiences. I am very saddened at the outcome of this family. These tears are of raw hurt and as painful as they are, I struggle to say goodbye.
When safety for the kids and I rose to the level of jeopardy, I did what I had to do. One person expressed that regardless of my having to do what I needed to do, she would not remove me from her heart and that my children and I would remain a part of the family. In email correspondences she expressed that she didn’t like that my husband was abusive to women or how he treated me. This person was someone both my husband and I tried to turn to. Her backside was the biggest shock to me. Another person told me in a conversation that several times I expressed that I couldn’t do or take this, meaning the marriage, anymore and she said I would have to do what I had to do. As you stand in the mirror and peer at your reflection, remember the personal behaviors you have experienced with him. Please, remember the red flags that you may have seen and never addressed with me. My husband explained that you would go to him and have talks with him after incidents that took place in your home (events he emotionally beat me down with as he described I embarrassed him in front of his family), such as him picking and berating me until I would run upstairs to vomit due to the emotion…did you once check on me or evaluate what this was doing to me. Remember that I was cooperative and remained sensitive to the surprise of this entire thing when it happened, but the kids and I lived with what we had on our backs and out of a hotel while he acted with rage, without cooperation. I never wanted to recruit you as support on my side, but what I received went beyond the fathomable.
The dissolving of this has happened with the trickling of several events. Sadly, material things and power struggles have crumbled all possibilities of reconciliation. Past experiences of sudden change in demeanor and feelings of awkwardness were extremely difficult, yes this includes the events of going from “I love you’s” and hugs to nothing was devastating, but crushing as 6 months later a woman put her soul into a heart felt gift, a gift both of you deserved, was the defining factor of respect yearned back.
Betrayed is exactly how I feel and the reason for this writing is due to the phone call made. Back in February I described the hurt I had from my family being a part of something I had no knowledge of as the equivalent of how your family felt with the cooperation of your family in a situation that left you feeling deceived. You said, “When you explain it like that, I understand and we apologize.” I understood this as you wouldn’t be involving my family or contacting them without my knowledge again. Two weeks after that I was informed of another phone call along with a recent phone call. Devastation, this is how your unethical behavior has weighted.
I want to state: This is why women don’t come forward. With everything I have been through with you or my own family, others of the community…I find myself thinking that staying would have been easier. Taking the abuse and living in fear left me feeling alone, in complete solitude, but this, this is just as painful. Women stay or leave in silence due to the treatment brought forth from many including you. Ask yourself, who in this world is deserving of a life with the fearing someone as badly as I have. Again, who is deserving of the pressure and disrespect received. More importantly, what child is deserving of living in such an environment that caused delay to development or behavioral affects. Certainly, my kids and I don’t. Even the kids’ Dad can recognize what it was doing to the kids, that the reality was there, and that the steps were necessary. Next time you want to be disappointed with my reactions to the life I was presented with, realize he could have lost his kids if I hadn’t taken the precautions I had. He could have lost any decent relationship with his kids as the abusive behavior was causing a wedge between him and his kids. Now, recently what I witness is a very healthy relationship and future with his children and this is very important to me, him, and our children.
As trust has been violated with my husband, so has the belief of my existence as a part of this family. I understand that as an event such as divorce happens a line gets drawn. You all have clearly traced that line until bold isn’t even the descriptor necessary. I again need to reiterate that I never imagined this coming, but unfortunately it has. This pains me to say goodbye, but is necessary as the emotional storm you bring just cannot burden my life or energy anymore.
Take care,
At this very moment I am burying the feelings of pain. It doesn’t matter who interprets what. Someone told me this week that you can’t control what happens on the other side. That is exactly right. I know who I am and what I have had to do. I can only control what they get from me and no more will I walk in shoes that are thankless. Moving forward isn’t easy and maintaining a path of recovery is just as difficult.
I am strong…I continue to prevail
~Nina~
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