How do you even begin to say good-bye? I feel like I am in so many pieces and as I try to put them together I feel this urge to give up. I met with someone today that allows me to venture through my emotions. I kept saying, “I don’t know,” over and over without a question being asked of me. I feel so Goddamn lost and just want clarity so bad. I feel like my life was taken away from me and it just continues to trickle until one by one I have few people to turn to. Ones I love so dearly can’t handle seeing me or hearing, even reading what it is that I go through. I know this has effected people, I know it is draining…I live it everyday and carry the weight of pure exhaustion as each day feels like three. I have had moments, days, even a month where I haven’t felt like a prisoner, but now I again feel kidnapped from a life I want so badly to live without pain. As a toddler begins to learn how to walk, we as parents don’t lose hope as the first stumbles appear to be the time our child will take off, but then wait another few weeks, or months before they actually walk. We know they will walk again and forever forward, I feel like people are losing faith in me…maybe it is me losing belief.
At this moment I feel more alone than I thought could actually be possible. Over weeks and conversations I have felt this pull from me. I feel this dying distance that tears at my heart as someone would feel as they would with the loss of their best friend. I surrender my efforts. With doing that I have a river of sorrow pour down my face as I want to call and just explain one last thing, but it won’t bring back what has been taken from me. This has changed everything and I feel nothing but heartbroken as I watch things crumble…my foundation falls at my feet without my being able to stop it.
Hanging up the phone I knew that it was time, at that moment I realized more than I could handle. Maintaining composure for the next 20 minutes…no, I was so numb that my brainstem is what kept me breathing. When the emotions caught up with me I had a flood gate. I felt so sad as I have this feeling of loss. I felt angry as he has affected every relationship I have. I felt solemn as I bowed my head and decided to fade into the surroundings.
These pages have brought me a comfort as I mulled through much despair and hopelessness. This isn’t easy to lay the parting letters into my good-bye. Where I go from here needs to be on my own and without witness. Thank you to everyone who has followed, expressed a fallen tear, or embraced serenity with a growing hope. The months have been here and there, up and down, but at the end of the day they collectively brought me to where I am right now. I know what I need to do….