Tough Start…Strong Finish

With a day as difficult as I had yesterday there has been many checking in with me today just to ask, “How are you today?” The surrounding support is more than I could ever ask for. The genuine concern gives me the hope I need to prevail…to maintain focus on the growth I have achieved. The belief that has been expressed in me goes beyond encouragement. I am loved…I am loved for who I am.

The events of my day…how do I express just what my day has brought to me. How about I begin with the first text message of the day…it was 7:28 a.m. “Good morning! How did u sleep?” This person has been a huge presenting security with vast support and availability to me. I appreciate this person more than they know. My morning started early with a meeting and as I got this message later in the morning I had already experience emotions that I didn’t expect to be faced with.

My update…

I want to express a thank you to the individual for checking in with me this morning. As far as sleep, when I went to bed there was this jolt of panic. I couldn’t breathe as my heart had lodged in my throat and I felt like I was going to explode. It has been so long since I have had that sort of anxiety about closing my eyes and becoming vulnerable to my unconscious. A few days before his release I woke up to nightmares, but the fear of going to sleep hasn’t been an issue for quite some time. I honestly made it to a place where I felt I have done the right thing, I have maintained the appropriate strength, and developed a functional life for the kids and me. The ability to verbalize that this wasn’t my fault was an achievement, a moment of pride.

When this person left last night, even before they came…I had started to grasp myself. Between the ability to speak to someone earlier, the distraction of my busy routine at home, and the comfort of their presence, I started to settle. Having them there, just to work through happy memories or express my struggle to again become obedient to him…I needed that and I want to thank them!

A few weeks ago there was an email that came across the entire department from our administrator. It was asking if there was anyone that would be interested in being a representative for our department. Instantly I saw the doorbell that I ring when go seek my support network. As I look up the sign is there on the wall… United Way …I know the importance of funding to something that has brought this opportunity to live, to survive, and without hesitation I responded to our administrator’s email with the response that I would love to. If there is something I can do to give back to something that has given to me, then I will do what I can in my power to do just that.

Today was our first meeting and I was feeling empowered as giving back is very important to me. Since the day I had signed up to volunteer for this project I had the desire to present to people a token of my experience and what it is to have opportunities presented, to foster the reality that overcoming this is possible. The services and programs that have assisted my children and I have been amazing and I just want to pay forward as this is my reason for being apart of the United Way team….to give back to something that has given to me.

As the meeting progressed I had my ideas in the back of my mind while a video was played. The presenting scene was of two people expressing the growing need and underestimated demand within our community has for families in times of difficulty. Then there were some small blocks on the following screen that had logos or programs that have benefited from the funds raised. Then another set popped up and there it was, a block with the logo, a logo on a business card I have hiding in my office. The organization that brought support to our community, to me and my situation, it was there on the screen. As my efforts became validated the block I was staring at began to swell and took up the entire screen. As the white background dissolved I was staring at a person I work closely with, I heard the voice of encouragement that often speaks to me in times of struggle. The flood of emotions became uncontrollable. The reality of my situation, my whirlwind of emotions, my journey all brought difficulty to breathe. After the video clip my mind became a haze…the only racing thought I had was, “I can do this, I can give back to a program of hope so others too can move forward with a healthy life.” Walking out of the room I took a deep breath and held my chin up…I will give great efforts to this.

I don’t have lots to offer, but this entire experience has fueled my aspiration to give a voice to other women and children, to give back to those who have been there for my children and me. There is nothing more warming then arms surrounding you when you feel so alone. Despite my fear and discomfort with needles I began to and now religiously donate blood. Tomorrow will mark my third donation to the Blood Center since entering this journey of recovery. I donate other items instead of throwing them out, I volunteer, I make sure the kids pick up at daycare before leaving, we reach out to those when we can….all I have to offer is the labor of my hands and the passion of my heart. Someday I hope to be more; I hope to carry a position to meet with women, to hold their hands, to come to their home when they need someone….I hope to be affiliated with the local agency that I have been involved with or a similar organization. I hope to share endorsements emotionally through public speaking and financially from the future success I may have. I hope to make a difference!

Yesterday I didn’t feel like I was stronger than I had been in the beginning, I didn’t feel like I was in a better place and it is hard to grasp the reality that I truly am when the raw emotions of that moment, that hour pull with discouragement. My gauge to my efforts within is the recovery time…I indeed had an emotional morning, but I had been able to pull myself together within an hour. I now at this second feel calm…empowered. I recognize that the probability of my breaking down and crying or being scared within the day or tomorrow will happen again, but I am not letting that take this moment…I can have this moment, this minute, this hour…I don’t have to let it consume me as I can control that. Deep breaths…they don’t feel as painful anymore, they feel encouraging.

Again, I want to thank everyone…I appreciate each of you more than you will ever know!

~Nina~