The day has been extremely difficult. I was wide awake hours before my alarm clock chirped. What am I going to do? How did I get here? Why again has he brought us here? My mind raced of these questions and more. My body seemed to be on autopilot as I showered and dressed for the day. It came time to roust my darling angels out of bed so we could go about our day as usual and my brain engaged as soon as I stood next to my son’s crib. My children need me; they need the structure to foster a healthy childhood.
As I put the vehicle in reverse I questioned my strength. I hesitated as I transitioned from going backward to going forward. If I can mechanically do this daily, why can’t I emotionally allow the past to fall behind me and get my footsteps going in a forward motion? As I looked in the rearview mirror I saw three precious faces. I was flooded with emotion while becoming unable to answer that question. My children have no idea as to what is going on with their father. The tears pour from my heart while the innocence of their lives are over looked as he tries to hurt me.
Kissing my babies good-bye I struggled to walk out of daycare with composure. Doubt torrents my soul as he constantly told me, “If you ever get me put in jail it will be your fault the kids grow up without a Dad.” He played my heart strings. I cherish my position as a mother while my drive comes from the value of my goals to do what is best for my children and he knew this would tear me apart…it was a huge reason why I didn’t defend myself in the first place on the second wave of his violence. I can understand that he made the decision to violate and the repercussions are of his own doing, but he also has manipulated me enough to struggle with the notion that the trickled suffrage to our children is my responsibility. I am left to again question myself as I lost the security of knowing that I am a good, smart, and level-headed person.
Evaluating where I am at this moment I feel like I am at square one once again, but on the other hand I also feel the ability to calm the instant urge to cry and pressing need to vomit with more control then before. No doubt I am scared of the near future and fear his response, but I have to trust the people that are trying to help me with great efforts of keeping us safe. This is not easy…not a moment of this presents me with a breath that doesn’t hurt, but I will keep trying to focus on the idea that there is possibly a light at the end of this tunnel.
There was a song that was brought to my attention today. I listened to the lyrics over and over again. The words brought me courage today…
~Life Ain’t Always Beautiful~ By: Gary Allan
Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart
Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day
But the struggles makes you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin' it sweet time
[chorus]
No,life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride
Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin' all these lonely miles
And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life don't work that way
But the struggles makes me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has its own way of takin' its sweet time
No, life ain't always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Hey, life ain't always beautiful
But its a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride
At any moment things can change. I have no idea what will be waiting for me to face tomorrow, but I will attempt to stand tall. Each day I will stack another brick of resilience and before long the madness of this entire cycle will not phase me anymore. As I have coached myself before…one foot in front of the other.
Resistance to doubt…Knowledge of assurance
~Nina~
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