New Horizon…Phase Forward

I have stared at this blank page for an hour. Writing is my coping mechanism…my ability to capture each emotion experienced and interpret the value of knowledge gained. Why have I struggled the past week? What am I having difficulty with? Today I think I have realized what I am avoiding.

As I descended down the stairs my left hand guided me as it slide down the railing. I looked at it and I stopped in my tracks. Empty, my left hand is empty. I had taken my wedding ring off quite a while ago and replaced the space of that particular finger with another ring that has deep meaning to me. I couldn’t handle the absence right away, the feeling of loss. A few weeks ago I took the step to move my other ring to my right hand.

At first there was a heavy sense of sadness when I first looked at my hand. The entire meaning and pride I had with my status as a wife brought difficulty as it wasn’t easy to accept as the vacancy sends a whole new message to the world. I still fidget with my ring finger and a pain stings as I fight the urge to fill that spot for comfort.

Six months, it has been a half a year since I separated myself from my husband. My divorce is around the corner and my heart races with panic. How did I get here? How did all of this happen? I continue to wonder just how my life ventured this path. Love, the emotion of deep passion and belief…I loved him whole-heartedly. Moving forward wasn’t something I thought I was ever going to want to do or be able to do.

This very moment as I visualize my future and I see a person of devotion standing next to me. I cannot see his face, but I know that my heart has opened up to the idea of sharing that emotion of purity one last time. This week I have found myself struggling with my vision of sharing my life with another. I want to be happy and experience that deep level of connection, but I have a high level of apprehension as I am not sure just how this will work. How do you get to know someone and trust the image they present? Will I over scrutinize or shut out the feelings of vulnerability as a result of fear for my heart? I cannot and will not force destiny. My search for a companion isn’t going to be aggressive, but if our paths cross and he finds me I will not close the door.

When I first sat down to write tonight I just wasn’t sure how to grasp or articulate the emotions I have been feeling inside. As I think about love and developing a bond with someone there is a whirlwind of feelings that cross each other. I am curious, but nervous. I am ambitious but tired. I am relieved, but sad. I am relaxed, but overwhelmed. I will continue to pray for that serenity with the scent of a fresh breeze, I dream of that warm embrace that melts all doubt. Someday, somewhere…he awaits me.

All of these feelings have been hard to admit to and embrace without guilt. Mourning my marriage was necessary and as I package this relationship up I will step out into the sunrise. The flow of warmth will climb my arms and fill my heart. Love will find me…I will be waiting.

Heart opened…Love may

~Nina~