Another sleepless night…while suffering multiple nightmares and spells of involuntary crying, the night left me exhausted this morning. Regardless though, I crawled out of bed with the autopilot motions of my morning. Stepping out of the shower, I dried off and the racing thoughts began. What will the verdict be? Will I survive this? How do I get my children through this? Strength, will I have what it takes to pull through this entire process? These questions spun without pause and I was left feeling nauseous.
I finally received the phone call with the decision made in regards to the outcome of his case. Revocation, he will have to sit for quite a while…until the revocation hearing, if he decides to appeal it, or for 90 days. As those words were expressed to me I immediately struggled to hold the phone. I was asked, “Are you ok?” No, I am not…this entire experience is tearing me apart. I explained that most people would have this sigh of relief as safety is found, but I still struggle with the immediate fear of knowing his anger.
Visually I can picture his behavior…his rage. I can hear his words and I can feel his hate for me. Everyday he is there he continues to escalate and I continue to suffer with extreme terror. I expressed to someone today that I understand that his actions brought him to where he is, but still I believe his rationalizations as to this being my fault. I take blame and want to resume responsibility because I am still stuck in this cycle, his cycle. “What will it take for you to get past that?” A question I continue to ponder since I was asked today. I don’t know…will it ever go away?
Without notice I slouched into a parade of tears. He has made conscious decisions, performed with acts of aggression, and brought himself to this outcome. Why does he get to behave like this and blame others? What he doesn’t realize is that he lashes out expecting to have no consequences and I am left here to pick up the pieces. I have to help the kids cope with this. I have to muster enough courage to face my days as I feel worthless to this world. I have maintained responsibility to my financial obligations. I have not missed one day of work because of this as I didn’t have that option; though he has taken weeks off to work through this. I have everything to juggle and I do it alone while he ponders how much he hates me. He has spun a path of destruction right through my heart and our lives, but I keep trying to hold strong and honestly I feel my grip slipping.
At the point of giving up I glance over at the picture of my three beautiful children. The surge of emotion pours from my heart and I dig deep for one more ounce, the last ounce of courage within. They are what keep me going. Though at times my vision becomes blurred from the continual stream of tears, one thing that remains crystal clear is the importance of my children’s futures. I will never lose sight of that and will continue to make the most educated decisions while taking proper action to protect them.
A few weeks ago I came across a quote. Immediately I wrote it down and tacked it to my work computer.
“Believe deep down in your heart that you’re destined to do great things” ~Joe Paterno~
Everyday I read these words. All I have ever wanted to be is someone the world can appreciate. I have always given back to people and tried to be a proper role model for my children. Though I know I will never be accepted, there is one person I am determined to show I am respectable and worth something to be proud of. I will, however, prove to myself…no matter how hard this gets, I will continue to scratch my way to the surface. I will strive for success and fight for survival.
I am destined to do great things
~Nina~
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