Why Revert...Painful Behavior

Tonight’s writing will be broke up into two separate entries. I wasn’t able to write last night, but the past two days have been havoc relived as the experience brings me back to a pain I never thought would surface again…

Two nights ago there was a knock at my door. The hour was late and I am not comfortable with the dark as it is, so I won’t answer the door after a certain time of the night. I ignored the knock, but it persisted. After mustering enough courage I crept to my front door. I prayed it wasn’t him and the face outside wasn’t which allowed me to relax a bit. The message received was the entrance to an event that has turned my world upside down once again.

Deciding that it wasn’t an urgent matter and that I would talk to my attorney in the morning, I went to bed. I had drifted into sleep and felt the darkness swallow me. The dream was extremely vivid as I felt his hands slowly creep around my neck. Within the nightmare I remember my eyes opening to his face, the man I have separated myself from…the man I fear. Anger consumed his eyes as he squeezed…I abruptly sat up in bed gasping for air. Bringing my hands to my neck, I realized it was only a dream. I placed my head back down on the pillow while wondering where this terror comes from since I hadn’t had a nightmare in a very long time. As I pulled up the covers my eyes caught a glance of movement…was I still dreaming? Panic lurched into my throat; I could see his silhouette standing at the top of the stairs. I reached for the light and feared the reality of him in the house. Nothing…he wasn’t there and my mind raced as I have no idea where this was coming from. My gut…the instinct that has proven time and time again to be spot on was alarming me. Fighting my body for two hours as I slipped back into sleep left me wondering the purpose of this message I was receiving.

I had been up several times throughout the night, but my morning proceeded with the normal routine of getting ready and taking my children to daycare. I was at work and something just didn’t feel right. I connected with my attorney and the realm of familiar anxiety and fear smacked me right in the face. The remainder of my day slipped through my fingers and I was at a stand still with a blur surrounding me.

Immediately I saw the man that terrified me on many occasions as I had to report this violation. The filmstrip of past tyrant behavior played through the forefront of my mind. The rage in his eyes, the stiffened ire of his jaw as he blamed me…it was all there forcing me to want to crumble with insecurity and it worked.

I didn’t want to do this…I always tried to avoid making him mad and I knew this was crossing his line again regardless if he was the one putting himself in this position. The internal struggle of pulling out of the black hole of his power of me brought intense nausea and a flood of tears. My initial desire is to run…flight. I don’t want this battle; I have never wanted this cycle of chaos. Why does he continue to press boundaries and put me in a place of deep hurt?

Last night…the complete loneliness swallowed me as the roller coaster of his control tries to continually grasp at me while I walk along the path of my life. Here it had wrapped itself around my wrist and began pulling with a violent tug. Curling up into a ball, I sobbed. My heart clawed with the vast emotion of again being on the receiving end of emotional abuse. I fell asleep thinking about how physical abuse has become more desirable at this point. A physical bruise heals without a mark as it will fade, but this emotional wound he has slashed open presses a weakness that forces me to my knees. The exhaustion kills me as my heart bleeds and the beating of life fades. This will never be over…I just pray he will stop.

Future…Doesn’t feel possible

~Nina~