Despondent Sunrise...Amusing Sunset

Upon waking this morning I had this overwhelming sense of heartache. One particular man has been on my mind for a greater part of the day. I stood in front of the mirror and curled my hair while wondering, “Would he be proud?” Applying my make-up pieced together the final puzzle piece to my professional stature and I stepped back to gaze at the woman I have become. Does he wonder? I remember climbing in his lap, being his little girl…the man I had adored all those years--my father.

As I drove his face flashed before my eyes and the surge of emotion filled my eyes. My position remains as the pain he brought was unbearable. The words slashed through my heart and left me feeling less than anything of worthy. He had made his stance very clear before and his expression left me feeling as though I wasn’t a part of his life, “We moved on without you along time ago.” I didn’t have his support through this in the beginning and I don’t feel that I ever will. He doesn’t know me, the real me. Acceptance of who I have become has been a dream for me, but the reality lingers. I chose the solitude and the isolation from him. I struggle to deal with the whirlwind of emotion dealing with the experiences of my upcoming divorce and the suffrage of my future ex-husband’s behavior. I don’t have it in me to face or juggle the entire storm of my Father’s cycle of mannerisms as well.

The song that often causes a waterfall of sadness played from the radio at that very moment I was going to set my internal struggle aside. “I wonder” by Kelly Pickler, with a powerful set of lyrics this tune strikes home. Though I didn’t grow up without my Dad, I often feel that the drift between us that started over ten years ago leaves him in the position of having no idea of what exactly I have become, the woman that I am. I have here the chunk of lyrics that surfaces a cascade of emotion every time I hear them…

Sometimes I think about you
Wonder if you’re out there somewhere thinking bout me
And would you even recongnize
The woman that your little girl has grown up to be
Cause I look in the mirror and all I see
Are your brown eyes lookin’ back at me

I had reached my destination and stepped out of the vehicle. Smoothing my clothes, I gathered composure. The sun warmed my skin and as I walked across the street I drew in a deep breath. I paused before the door…I prayed to keep my emotion in check.

Conversation started without complication. Questions on work and the routine at home were the starting dialogue. Without notice the direction turned into the difficulty I was having at that very moment. I closed my eyes and place my elbows on the file cabinet for support. I turned to her and a tear fell as I expressed, “I am turning 25 next week and my life is a mess.” Her eyes welled with emotion and there she sat…a mother with the desire to help and protect--my mother.

Mom expressed the pride she has for me. “You are successful and I am so proud of you,” the words I try to embrace, but struggle as inside I feel very much like a failure daily. I have wanted nothing but to protect her from the hurricane of emotion that comes with this. Being strong for my children is my first priority while maintaining strength for her is my second. No, I don’t always get along with my Mom, but I cherish the guidance she has brought to me. I respect her and value her efforts in offering support everyday. Her tears though, they tear me apart. I don’t want her to feel this pain and I wish I could take it from her. I love you Mom.

The day ventured with a layer of numbness for a while. I dove into my work and didn’t look back. My body functioned on autopilot and my brain engaged to the tasks I had for my job. It was about 4 o’clock in the afternoon and I had the deep desire to crawl into bed and just fall asleep as a severe headache throbbed. I took my medication for it and pulled myself together. I decided to that going out with a friend of mine would serve a positive effect for me verses succumbing to the heartache that pressed.

I am glad I went to dinner and conversed with this person. I am so inspired by the stories and memories shared. I have a great respect for this person and after letting go, I was able to crack a few jokes and bring humor to the table. Making this acquaintance smile sends a rush of peace within.

The evening transitioned into a conclusion of ease ending my day. Right now at this very moment I feel relaxed. I appreciate everyone who has been apart of this journey as without the support I have I am not sure I would be able to keep up the mindset of survival. Again, thank you to each and every one of you!

Tomorrow is a new day…Endless opportunities

~Nina~