July 4, 2010
Yesterday…I sit here and stare at my blank page. Are there the words to describe my emotions for yesterday, the 4th of July? The start of my day left me warm, embracing hope. The conclusion of my day left me alone, standing in the rain.
Driving home presented me with a relaxed bout of time to ponder. I smiled as my arm wrapped around an emotion I began feeling comfortable with. The trailing softness down my neck seemed to invite a confidence of advancement. Open road, peace pouring down…the lifted spirit of a mutual smolder ventured my imagination as I visualized the rest of my day. The parting embrace lingered security and hope surfaced within.
Playing many emotions, re-living positive memories brought me to a happy place yesterday. I soaked up the hugs and kisses that awaited me when I picked up my amazing children. Serenity flowed…my day couldn’t get any better. The holiday was one of my favorites, my blessed trio was smiling, and I pictured an evening of closeness.
The clock ticked and the hours slipped by. Chloe promised she would stay up and knowing the excitement of fireworks I allowed her efforts to try. One by one each of my darlings fell asleep. When it was time to go I tried waking Chloe, but she didn’t want to go anymore. With each of them drifted deep in to dreamland, I kissed each of their foreheads. “Good night, Momma loves you,” I whispered to each of them as they rested with innocence.
I walked outside only to be swallowed by the darkness and the rain. Meandering to my back yard I questioned if I would be able to see the fireworks from my house as I live up on a little hill. Waiting for the show to start my heart became sad as my soul swamped with hurt. I was completely alone. The rain trickled from the sky and looking above the emotion welled in my eyes.
The first explosion of colored light illuminated the sky. Weakness surrounded my body and I began to cry. The thunder billowed through the sky and each display of light burst surfaced a stream of moisture down my face. There I was July 4, 2010 and completely alone. The personal liberty, the chains breaking, his control of me dissolved…my opportunity to rise above the damage of my experience with domestic abuse, yes it was a very emotional moment and one I struggled to grasp. Independence, the celebration of our nation’s freedom and I sobbed as this day meant so much more.
Burying my face into my hands I felt my emotional foundation crumble. My heart burned as this isn’t what I imagined when I pictured watching the firework show last night. The finale was approaching and the sparks flew in so many directions with a vast array of colors. Each represented an experience I have endured over the past six months. Then without warning there was silence; it was over. I just curled up into a ball and soaked up the rain…the struggles, the emotions, the resistance, the need for survival all dampened my essence. Can I do this…will I be strong enough rise above? I pray, that is all I can do.
Freedom represented...Symbolism overwhelmed
~Nina~
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