Each sunrise welcomes us into a new day. Eventually every morning will swarm us with nothing more than positive energy and happiness. Right now as we are in the midst of this emotional whirlwind the peaceful days are a lottery winning and the sad days are frequent, proposing the usual. Though my eyes open and the first thing that I recite to myself and to my children is, “Today is going to be a good day,” which marks my continued efforts of uplifting spirits…at times I am faced with days like today.
I put the vehicle in park and unloaded Connor. I walked inside and as his teacher said good morning his eyes lit up with excitement for his day. I went back to get Kaden and Chloe, but was met with the reoccurring challenge I suffer with just about daily. As I unbuckled my daughter’s car seat she burst into tears. “What is the matter honey?” She lowered her head and looked away. My hand guided her little chin up to connect our eyes, “What is making you sad?” The sobs surrendered my strength as she choked on the words, “I want my Daddy.” Instantly my heart broke.
After carrying in Kaden I came back for Chloe. I picked her up and threw my arms around her. What do I tell her? How do I help her through this? I wasn’t able to keep my tears from falling as I told her how much Momma loves her. She placed her head on my shoulder, “We are going to be ok. I promise you honey, we will get through this,” my words of devotion not only at this time of heartache for my daughter, but to every one of my children on a daily basis. As I sat on the bench at daycare I held my baby girl and as my lip quivered I maintained just enough strength not to sob, but not enough to keep the moisture from a continual trail down my face. One of the staff assisted me in refocusing her and diverting her attention to being a helper with the breakfast table. Then as Chloe took off with a smile spread across her face and proudly stating her delight in being the helper an arm reached to me, “Are you ok?” As I turned to her I felt the rise in a complete breakdown and just expressed the difficulty I have been having with Chloe's desire to put the pieces together. As I stood up and gazed at my daughter, then I turned to face my day…I completely broke down as I slide behind the steering wheel. The cascade of pain poured from my heart and soaked my face.
All day I was withdrawn from people. I kept to myself in my office and battled the urge to just curl up into a ball. Several times I looked over to the arrangement of pictures I have of my beautiful babies and without warning a silent tear trickled down my cheek. Time after time I wiped the discouragement and deep heartache from my face.
My work day was complete early and I took two hours to myself before picking up my kids. I needed to search for clarity…to rebuild the strength I lost earlier this morning. I was lead by my heart to a spot I go to often. As I got out of the car I walked along the path. The warm breeze kissed my face as I embraced my surroundings. The greenery and stone path released the sense of assurance for me. I took my place on the rock and gazed at the water. The reflection staring back at me searched my eyes for answers. Lost, I felt so lost at that very moment.
As I am faced with my own cycle of adjustment to my various roles and responsibilities on top of the emotional storm brewed, my children too feel the effects of this entire experience on their own levels. The most prevalent struggle is Chloe’s desire of understanding and info gathering while she searches for answers. Her heart aches and that tears mine into pieces. I will do what I can in my power to ease her through all of her emotions and bring her to an understanding appropriate for her age. My goal is to not have this rob any of my children’s childhoods…to avoid them resuming responsibility or finding fault in themselves to accept blame for this. I understand just how it can happen as I was that little girl that felt as a blunder resulting in my parent’s divorce.
Juggling all of this does weigh on me forcing sadness into my internal efforts, but I continue to maintain my attempt at searching for the positive to all of this. I will press on with my exertion for structured and instilled happiness for my household. Everyday I will hug my children as they wake up and wrap them with love as they lay down to sleep. I can take this day for what it is and look forward to a better tomorrow.
Family pain…United love
~Nina~
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