Journey Ventured…Unknown Pavement

July 9, 2010

Waking up today left me feeling a little more put together than the other days had. I was not as restless, but the total exhaustion I believe aided in my ability to sleep a little deeper last night. Also I knew that I was heading out of town after work today and I have been looking forward to the event that faced me for weeks now. The chance to drive and watch my continued strife fade in the rearview mirror would bring me some peace within.

I arrived to work with higher spirits than before. The morning held a few bumps and difficult conversations, but I was able to handle them better than the days prior. Then without noticed I was slammed right in the face with something that needed to be dealt with immediately. He had managed to track a number to someone he has no association with at all and call them from his location. Faint, I felt like I was going to pass out immediately. I ran down the hallway. Again, questions raced as I wondered…How did he get this information? Why is he doing this? What will happen? This will never end will it?

The emotion waved with nausea. As I vomited the fear poured from my eyes. I couldn’t stop…he will never stop. Struggling to stand I was met with a face, the face that provides support to me daily. “You will be ok.” No, no I won’t. The one day I hold some sort of strength it dissolves as he continues to haunt me. “How did he get this information?” continued to cloud my thoughts. His goal is to destroy me and I believe whole-heartedly at some point he will be successful.

As this journey has ventured I have been given resources. Independently I will sift through what has been given to me as well as research the world of domestic abuse. My latest need of knowledge is the statistics on surviving this. As he continues to escalate and maintain behavior that is unpredictable I wonder if this will only end with the loss of my life. I found the outcome startling…

“Nationally, about 75 percent of the deaths related to domestic abuse occur when the woman is either separated from or has left the abuser.” (Source: http://www.friendshiphome.org/html/dv/stats.htm)

Having the knowledge I have from being with him, his past, and the extreme fear he has instilled…I pray, I plead to God this is not the conclusion for me.

Eventually I was on the road. As I put the vehicle in drive I took a deep breath. I have to set this aside for a few days. I have a job to do this weekend and I cannot let this consume me. I hit the city boundaries and looked up into the rearview mirror. Silently I said good-bye to the struggles, the tears, the fear…I was setting into the horizon for a few days of inner tranquility.

The music captured my essence. I could feel the rhythm totally relax my body as I headed north. Gazing at the surroundings brought a sense of freedom. Finally reaching my destination I stepped out of my vehicle. Pulling my shoulders back, drawing in a breath of collection, and letting my chin drift up I took in the sunshine. While placing my sunglasses upon my face and walking across the parking lot I was left feeling the warmth of confidence envelop my entire being.

Letting go of required battles…Temporarily living without the chaos

~Nina~