Emotional Storm…Memory Lived

Writing provides me the ability to deal with the wide arrangement of my emotions. Yesterday I didn’t capture my day or the feelings experienced because as I sat down at the end of the day I felt so exhausted I didn’t have it in me to surface interpretation of my thoughts. Today though has presented me with serious difficulty. The pain ran deep and the stream of tears brought struggle.

The past couple days I have had this sense of freedom from all the chaos, stress, and sadness of this journey as I laughed, concentrated on work, and pushed the legal mess to the back of my mind. It taught me that I can eventually break free from this; I can live without constant darkness and a grief stricken battle. The enlightenment of my Monday and Tuesday has surfaced the courage I had lost.

Today however has been one of those low days that develop without notice. I found myself just becoming quiet and processing so many thoughts from upcoming court dates, to my emotional coping of love and my dissolved marriage.

This brought me a deep pain…

I stepped out of the car. Immediately the flood of emotion wanted to flow and I fought to control the surge of tears trying to fall. I walked down to the first look out and his face flashed before my eyes. Taking in a deep breath I could smell his cologne and feel the cold rain that had surrounded my being that night. Coming back to the present I turned and moseyed along the path to the rest of the park.

The rain began to trickle from the sky and the tears poured as I lost control of my emotions. Just as that night I was encased with rain and the look out over the bluffs surfaced a memory I have cherished. Eventually I made it to the spot where the puddle had been. The rain was my sadness soaking my entire essence. My vision became blurry as I raised my hands to my face in attempt to muffle my sobs. Again, I saw the lust as we shared as we danced in the rain and the tease as I had as I kicked up water playfully. There I stood; reliving a night of great romance, a night we had shared…the night of our first official date.

As I walked back to the car my posture was weak and the desire to sit on the log to cry was strong. I resisted the position of crumble and made it to the vehicle. On the drive back to town I peered into the sky. A love I had for him was so deep…so pure. Why, how has all of this happened? All I tried to do was give my entire self to someone I loved, to the man I vowed to with the honor of for better or worse. Again I am forced to face the reality of a life I worked so hard for was gone…merely a memory as the reality has faded.

The heavens had a billowing, white cloud of innocence and softness. It was a struggle to see its entirety as the dark, heavy clouds of storm shadowed the serenity that tried to peek through. As I gazed at the view I saw myself in the sky. The entire formation spoke to my struggle everyday. His darkness, his anger hovered over my persona of positive energy. The pain of those storm clouds have lingered a silhouette of loss as I search for myself. Eventually the sky will clear, but what about my life, my heart. At what point does the staircase to my heavens, my soul become clear and white with purity again. Everyday I ponder…each day I pray.

The roller coaster of this emotional trip remains. As I collect my thoughts and draft my experiences these tears fall with the hopes of tranquility one day. Love, my heart bleeds with anticipation of an opportunity to trust again. As the moisture rolls down my cheek I realize that eventually the pain will someday lighten, but the memories of happiness I will always treasure.

Memory lane ventured…Tearful embrace

~Nina~