So much to share…I have stepped back and spent a couple of days trying to decipher exactly what is going on inside for me right now. The weekend brought great opportunity for me to step out of the emotional shoes, the footwear of apprehension. Since Sunday I have tried to gather just the right words to bring life to the emotions I am having.
As I began to peel back the layers of fear and sadness, I found the courage to open my blinds. The weeks passed as I continued to hide from him, from the world. I have to release the panic I get when I see his vehicle…when I feel his eyes pressing my existence. As the light flowed into my home the instant warmth enveloped my hindered spirit. The nurturing effect blossomed my heart while confidence flowed…natural light is necessary, it is life.
Independence forwards me many challenges as I have to stand before tasks that were at one time not mine. The yard work and property maintenance are a new aspect for me to conquer. I grew up on a farm, so I have knowledge that does assist me while my work ethic brings the ability to embrace manual labor with determination. It is the juggling of that along side inside housework, single-parenthood, bread-winning, and more that poses test to my endurance.
While assessing some safety issues outside, I did make the decision to clear some brush and a tree that brought seclusion to the atmosphere of my land. As I gathered the fallen branches and stacked the debris I could feel this aura of consternation escape me. At one point I stood back and as the timber fell to the ground I froze instantly. There it was, laying before my feet the revelation…the symbolizing of everything that has stood in my way and tried to shade me had just crashed to the earth, opening up my horizon…freeing my ability to strive for my deepest hopes and cherished fantasies.
The continued preservation to my heart is an imperative question I battle with daily. Does safeguarding myself from someone protest my esoteric passion? The aperture of my emotional barrier has allowed a trickle of scintillant curiosity to my heart. Lust, raw desire and untamed arousal has surfaced within as the fantasy of a man’s arms surrounding me with a mutual attraction is visualized. The tenderness of a touch meant to send security while the grasp of desire to describe urgency does play through my mind, yet hesitation does wrangle the internal struggle with this idea as a possibility. Time…the crystal ball of answers.
As time passes…as time awaits me, I bring forth the interpretation of time in my eyes. The meaning I hold close as each day comes and goes.
~Time: Triumph your Independence and Motivate your Essence. Time will soften great pain, heal deep wounds, and strengthen one’s soul. Time brings empowerment to many and frustrates others. Time will bring brilliant opportunities to one’s life and intimidate another’s. Time, it is entirely what you make of it~
Past, Present, and Future…Three times of every lifetime
~Nina~
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