Validated Fear…Uncertain Future

Last night I did not sleep very well at all. I was up almost every hour on the hour. Nightmares have capsulated my rest once again. Waking up with panic, gasping for air…my fright has festered old memories and ventured the illusions of things I fear he could do to me. It has been months since I have struggled at night like this which leaves me to ponder why, why am I suffering again of night terrors? My only conclusion is the anticipated fury of him busting out of the gate with the determination to make me pay…I pray it won’t be with my life.

Trying to set aside my worry, I attempted to focus on my ability to step forward with my day. There I was standing in my closet searching for something to wear and feeling lost. Piecing together a professional outfit for work, I wanted something that spoke strength, perseverance, and confidence. As the material of my clothes slide along the curves of my body I took a deep breath. Reciting in my head over and over, “You will make it, you will beat this.” Hesitation, I paused and my palm rested on my cheek as I held the eyeliner. Tears welled as I pondered the outcome of today. “No, I will not lose today as well,” I verbalized out loud to myself. Today was supposed to be my day.

Giving back in any way that I can is important to me. Many have reached out to me and my children with support. Most days I wish I would just win the lottery so I could repay each and every person or program that has assisted me through this process. I struggle monetarily, so all I am left with is my bare hands and a determination to present appreciation providing any service I can to return the kindness. Today I gave something of myself that will save a life at some point…

Today I donated blood. Since graduating high school I would see the “Donate Today” signs, but always have been uncomfortable with needles. I was walking one day around eight weeks ago and stared at the set up. I made the decision to give a piece of me that could touch a life and give someone else a chance as I have been given the chance at a new life, a healthy life. Without hesitation I signed up once again today and I will continue to at every chance I am allowed within the recommendations. As I walked away, I turned back to gaze at the entire arrangement, then I bowed my head and prayed to bring ease to someone’s misfortunate or difficult event someday.

My day seemed to find its way along a positive path and my head was held high. That all crashed after one phone call. I talked with someone of great importance today about the outcome of the particular circumstances of his location right now. I took in the information and gained an understanding of the process. Then I was given the opportunity to express how I was feeling. I struggled and choked on my words as I admitted, “I am scared. I fear my life as he is going to blame me for costing him a week and I wonder if tomorrow is the day he busts through the door and makes me pay for my wrong doings to him.” The response I received left me weak, “Your feelings are valid and a concern of ours as well.” He has become so unpredictable…no one can say for sure what he is capable of anymore. Emotion just poured from my eyes and I ran down the hallway to the bathroom. I gagged and heaved. As I flushed I saw my hope spiral away as well.

For a week there has been one particular memory that has played over and over in my mind. It brings an understanding to why I fear and why I have reason to fear. I will never forget the day, the smell of the summer air, or the words of fury. July 15th two summers ago there was a verbal altercation between him and his past. He was so furious. I went outside and crumpled by the tree stump on the corner of the house. I was shaking so violently I became sick. I ran into the house to vomit. I walked around the corner and into the living room to find him at his gun safe. “I am going to go down there and am going to kill that cunt,” his words of rage. He keyed the combination and without notice he pulled out his hand gun and engaged the loaded clip. I remember feeling instantly faint and struggled to maintain my strength to stand. “I am going to go down there and am going to kill that cunt,” he screamed again. He didn’t leave the house which is why I didn’t call it in and eventually he calmed himself down. I stood in silence as I my eyes climbed from the floor and I saw him, he was kneeling in the chair holding the firearm and then with a click the clip fell to the ground. I had been holding my breath and at the moment I watched it meet the carpet I was able to draw in a breath. Terrified, this vision plays over and over as I am now that woman he hates, the woman he will want to punish.

He was very good at rationalizing his anger and blaming his enemy. He would comfort me as I was suffering the aftermath of his emotional tyrants. Quickly I believed his promises of change since my personality was different and his love pledged to me. It was like quicksand as I rapidly became afraid to leave and just lived with the goal of making him happy. His smile, his gratitude of the “joy” I brought to his life…I was played with like a tiger fidgeting with a timid rabbit. Now I have to try and overcome this fear…this cycle of rage and control. I have fear and I have it for a reason.

Tonight I pray…Tomorrow I hope

~Nina~