So much flows through my mind. The entire experience at times just seems so surreal. My little girl stood at the window today and pointed across the yard. My heart broke as she expressed the knowledge that she could see her Daddy’s truck. Instantly I was swarmed with sadness as her eyes asked to go see him.
His vehicle there, his residence being next door is why I left my blinds closed constantly. The presence of his eyes peering into our home has left me feeling cornered. I feel like I am on the inside of a snow globe and he shakes up my entire world when he lashes out with aggression while he watches the sediment float all around me. My defense was to leave myself closed off from the world physically as well as emotionally. I realize this left power in his court as he knows I am still afraid and timid, but this was the only way I knew how to cope.
As I try and piece together myself to rise above I started to open my blinds again. With his physical location being in a secured location his vehicle remains in the driveway next door. At times I catch a glance of the little black SUV and become overwhelmed with emotion. Several events flash before my eyes and I struggle to breathe as my airway seems to constrict with concern for tomorrows possible outcome. He hates me and his anger will have festered for days…is tomorrow the day he decides to make me pay for all the wrong doing that he deems I have sparred on him? This day is why I didn’t want to do this. The guidance given to me assures me that I need to make this stance and break free from his chains, but my gut reaction is just to not anger him as it is safer for everyone involved.
Several times today I stood at the landing on my stairs and peered outside. My life, my entire existence is buckled into this roller coaster with no exit. The anxiety…the fear paralyzes me as I cave into the sadness. Alone, I stood there alone and watched the rain pour down. The droplets splashed my soul as I felt empty today. At what point does the climax stop leading to a plummet of this heartache? Concentration broke as my little girl pulled at my pants, “Momma, are you ok?” A small tear fell as I picked her up and told her, “I am now.” She wiped the moisture from my cheek and threw her arms around me. Silently I pledged my love for her and my boys, I promise to give them a future they deserve and opportunities of a lifetime.
This has been one of the longest days I have experienced yet. Every time I glanced at the clock it seemed that only five minutes passed though it felt like hours later. Even now I gaze at the time and feel as though my day just will never end…like this heartache slows everything just to pull at my essence. Compiled with the notion of avoidance I feel like I am just not worthy. Is there something wrong with me? Looking in the mirror I search for the fault, the disqualifying trait. Turning away the tears stream with failure, I feel the pressure of being nothing more than a let down.
I will crawl into bed and pray for a peaceful rest to rejuvenate my soul. I will fold my hands to beg for a veil of forgiveness. I will dig deep to search for the drive to continue this journey. I will wake up to a sunrise of serenity and allow the energy to envelop me—to guide me.
Sadness today, yes…Lost hope, no
~Nina~
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment