Painful Parting…Emptiness Embarked

Right now at this very moment I feel completely empty. I have sat and cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. Then after a while just when I didn’t think it was possible, a silent tear rolls down my cheek as I remember the tenderness, the touch that had once trailed my arm. Today I didn’t expect to be swarmed by the sadness I am wrapped with right now. Though my intuition alerted me and my gut could feel the drift…the pain is still deep and pulling at me.

Lonely, I feel so alone these days. I feel like I have been told I have cancer and the chances of survival are gray. Each morning I wake up and wonder if this is the day hope will surface or if the illness will metastasize to another vital organ. Another piece of me dies and as I turn to embrace strength my arms are met with nothing.

Things are up in the air with limited answers as to the outcome of the man whom will soon become my ex-husband, the man I continue to hide from. Panic continues to rise while paralyzing my soul. I think about him often and wonder what goes through his mind. Rage? Remorse? It is best I don’t know. I always begged while trying to earn his forgiveness and continued to alter myself until I no longer knew who I was. Still, I fight the urge to just drop this all and dissolve back into the world where I was invisible. Doing what he wants and giving him what he demands seems easier than making him accountable for this continual pattern of behavior…of destruction.

A particular aspect of my life has presented this weight in my gut as I could feel the resistance. Preparing for it has been an objective for the past couple days, but as I was forced to face it today there was no stopping the flood of emotions. The time has been a pleasure, peaceful without strain. The confidence grew as feelings fostered a reality of being beautiful. “It is ok, please be careful…” My last words and it took every ounce of strength I had not to reach up to caress a face I had grown to adore as our eyes met.

The stream of emotion poured from my eyes. Everything became too heavy, my knees were weak, and the desire to crumble pressed. I drove to the spot that first flashed before my eyes. The bench, the cool night air, the playful banter as I climbed on the rocks…the spot that finally brought a liberty to my soul…the memory of that night I will hold close to my heart for a long time.

I feel the urge to hide and withdraw from everyone. I don’t want people to see the wide arrangement of emotions I have. Dealing with the dynamics of concerned safety and struggling with the internal battle of doubted eternal peace, I just pull back. Some days I dream of having a shoulder to turn to as I receive difficult news, or having the security of being caught when the strength leaves my legs while being guided down gently instead of crumpling instantly with a thud. That dream of someone standing by my side fades…my fingers stretch only to touch emptiness.

Searching for security, I scooped up my children…my sweet babies, the blessed trio that drives me each day. The reason I continue to stand tall. Giving them a life they deserve does piece together a determination to fight this. They need a role model of great respect given while being received. I want my children to walk tall and be secure within. I pray my darlings will not have to face such darkness as I have, but in the event they might I will have taught them the tools they need to overcome. Standing above them, my hand strokes each forehead of softness…of pure innocence. Silently I again promise to them. As I kiss them, I whisper my deep love to each of them.

Emotions of difficulty…Building blocks of life

~Nina~