Conversation of the Unexpected

July 25, 2010

My day has been packed with an extensive list of tasks to be accomplished, but my efforts wanted to be of a relaxed nature. I did take time just to be with my children. I will not get this time forever and it is important to embrace these moments as it won’t be long before they are just memories.

As yesterday I promised myself that I would be making some permanent changes, some positive changes I spent time preparing for my week nutritionally. I have certain guidelines to follow medically and to be honest I haven’t focused on them lately. I have struggled to eat anything some days and the others I struggled to eat the correct things. My body must be taken care of, I have many reasons to live and I have to fuel for the strength necessary for my daily duties. Above all else it is of value to teach my children about nutrition and instill knowledge of a healthy lifestyle.

Another accomplishment of the weekend was facing my garage. As I pulled out the layers of garbage and vacated the flood damage I felt this lift from my shoulders. I had inspirations for my new found space and the tidiness was of pride as I continue to peel the layers of dismay from my life. Organization and care for my property is always something I strived for, but my efforts slashed with dominance and darkness. Now I can open up to my new found independence while embracing it as I piece things together one by one.

This evening though marked one of the most unexpected events of my day. I received a phone call with the intentions of wishing me a belated birthday and ended up with much more. This person has always been an important part of my life, but an underlying drift between us kept from a relationship I longed for. I opened myself up and exposed some of my pain while trying to give an understanding to my experiences. I struggled at first to even say anything, but the emotional breakdown caused my reserves to crumble. I cried as my heart bled to this person of my hurt, my struggles.

Trusting people has become very difficult for me, but I did go out on a limb tonight as I exposed a vulnerable part of myself. I pray that the respect to my privacy is kept as my only coping method to broken trust is to let go of the individuals that have betrayed me or stood by as I fell to pieces. Will this take us towards a step to a new relationship? I can only pray it will flourish from this day forward.

As I have taken time to reflect my internal emotion I can say that at this very moment I am left with this verse I wrote earlier today:

The insecurities inside can keep you on the sidelines wondering what life could be like or they can initiate new efforts of adventure to reach out for that vision of what life could be like. Pushing outside of one’s comfort zone will raise anxiety within, but overcoming that nervousness will empower that very same soul

New efforts…New outcomes

~Nina~