Some days I feel very much alone. It seems to be the nature of the beast. I lose all confidence that I am ok and just end up consumed with a short-term bout of sadness. Today I feel like I am standing still as the avenues of life have everything zipping on by all around me. Having to be on crutches isn’t helping. My mobility is limited, my motivation dying, and the feeling of isolation sets in. Lesson learned, if you take things for granted you don’t realize the true value until you have lost it.
I never got married to watch it crumble. I worked very hard for this union, for this man. I never took for granted that my vows would present to me a lifetime of vast happiness and limited struggle. I went into this knowing that the venture would require work, sacrifices, and determination. What I didn’t realize however no matter how much devotion or effort I put in, this was still a partnership and it must contain both parties trudging the trenches together. If the effort wasn’t matched…if there wasn’t an underlying mutual respect, then I wouldn’t be able to keep this operation afloat alone.
Do I wonder? Yes. Do I mourn? Yes. Do I breakdown? Yes. This is very difficult to go through. Regardless, I love him. Even months of separation and times of silence…the emotion is there. I will stare at pictures and my awareness becomes clouded while my vision hazed with tears. I have silenced my communication of this to others. Judgment, people have expressed that it should be easy to move forward as he abused me and how could there be an attachment. “Why doesn’t she just tell him to stop,” a phrase I have overheard. I have tried and honestly I begged God to bring this nightmare to a halt. I have asked to be wake up with the hopes of having all I dreamt of.
Being alone has taught me so much about myself. Furthermore, it has brought unlimited knowledge about life. I will fidget with my ring finger as the status of being single is devastating. When I pledged, “I do,” there was not a sliver of hesitation. Now the mere idea of commitment raises levels of anxiety. Last weekend I asked someone how to do it, how to interpret it. Moving forward was the advice or expression. For five days I have thought about the entire conversation. Apprehension, I carry a nervousness as trusting is difficult for me. My approach is to moving forward I decided is going to be living. I am going to enjoy my time and embrace every opportunity of adventure I can find.
Some days I know my confidence will be less than others. I will always walk with composure and a collective stature of strength, but inside will speak the true emotion. I recognize today for what it is…I accept the sadness while allowing my emotion flow down my face.
The following is a verse from my heart. I reached out to every out let I had and each time I turned I encountered nothing. Standing before the mirror I looked at the woman staring back at me. There will be days like today and they will be around for a while…
Ever felt oh so very alone, Yes, absolutely very much…With isolation on this day, Struggle, no emotional crutch…To reach for help please, Heartache and great pain…All avenues pursued for sure, The tear rolls from strain…Standing still all whips by, Loneliness my soul does tug…Looking around emptiness found, All I would need is a hug
Hand above my heart…Love within of myself
~Nina~
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