I am exhausted with emotion, with an endless list of chores, and of efforts to prevail. Today was a day filled with extreme difficulty. Many things venture through my mind, but the answers I seek truly will not benefit me in anyway.
Injury…I am suffering a physical injury on top of the emotional whirlwind. The devastation of the not being able to run the half marathon I have been training for has been of great strife. I will not heal fast enough and ironically I am left to realize that just as a torn quad muscle will need tender, love, and care…time of great recovery, so will my heart. I want this all to go away right now, but the pain and the suffrage doesn’t and won’t just evaporate.
A person, that I hold high respect for, initiated conversation with me tonight. “You are young and have much to offer.” This statement mulls around in my mind. I do have time, I don’t need to solve this today or tomorrow. I have my whole life ahead of me. I can wonder about love or survival, but maybe I just need to relax and know that this isn’t something I should fret over. It isn’t that I am searching for love, I am searching for self-actualization. I am hoping to connect with myself and embrace a strength of great independence.
I am going to go to bed tonight and rest my internal struggles. I recognize the darkness of a depression that is pressing. I will keep holding on to who I am and where I want to go. I am not going to be timid of the demon fighting for my soul…I am going to stand up and defend my honor. I will embrace the need to experience the lows so that I can appreciate the elevations.
Goodnight darling…Believe within
~Nina~
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