Last night I crawled into bed with no urge to sleep as my heart burned. Tears fell from my eyes and not one person, maybe one, will truly know why. I have separated myself from everyone. Isolation was the demon that haunted me and now he is the figure whom leads me to where I want to be. I desire to keep all at bay, I foster a need to hide, and I entertain the indefinite idea to live alone which all develops a new flicker of determination.
Question to where I am or what I want pressed me last night. Am I ready to move forward? Yes, I am. I started privately a while ago…but will the world be ready for me? I will bust out of this gate and for once carry a coat of assertiveness. Pushing me will only cause me to stand tall with the desire to express resistance. Stepping in front of me won’t cause me to go around anymore, this is my path…get out of my way as I have paved a venture I want. This isn’t a longing for survival; this is the drive that will smolder into something much larger.
Anger, this is the emotion that I once feared and was incapable of feeling without feeling awkward as well. The avoidance of allowing myself to become fierce only sheltered me to a continued sadness. I continued to tip toe around the entire experience of anger and shunned the right to stand up for myself. Now here I stand with it staring me in the face, it has grabbed a hold of me as it tries pushing me. Embracing this will allow me to continue moving forward. I now realize that I have to go through this phase or I will remain stuck…I am now pushing back.
There, here I stand. My shoulders back, my posture strong. The level of vexation is healthy and warranted. As I stood in the mirror this morning I welcomed it and accepted the challenge.
As I describe the storm inside I have, you all have become exposed to my most intimate level of vulnerability. Allowing my wall to crumble gives you some insight to the experience of separating from a life of fear and growing into the security of independence. If you stood before me you wouldn’t have a clue to what festers within, but appreciate the image of a woman who presents endurance and strength. I am that woman…I will remain just that—perspicacious. The sharing of my story helps give a voice to my emotions, verbalizes the adventure, my journey…it brings a voice to anyone who wants to express what is felt deep, but unable to give it words.
Keen vision…Penetrating indomitability
~Nina~
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