To describe what I feel today seems to be a challenge right now. I am not familiar with anger. I don’t know how to handle it and struggle with the interpretation of it. Right now I am very frustrated and angry. Why? If I had the answer I wouldn’t be mulling it out on the paper right now.
So many things are on my plate everyday along with the vault of goals I continue to strive for. I can’t do it anymore. One by one things are going to be scrapped from my oversized dinner plate. I am exhausted and failing. Others may say no, but my heart screams YES!
I am human and my biggest critic is myself. I have worried so much about what others think about me or what others will say about my actions. Really, who cares? The fault comes from within--begins with the ever-dying need for my father’s acceptance and ends with the lack of confidence for myself. Do I blame him….no, it was MY need to feel acceptance or a sense of pride from him. Confidence, I question the right to feel I should have any with the experiences I have endured. It doesn’t matter anymore because at the end of the day my father and I don’t talk while the judgment I feel is vaulted from myself.
What DO I see when I look in the mirror?
Physically, I see the woman that I was six months ago lying in a hospital bed frightened of the future. I see the heavier version of me that began 30 plus pounds ago. I search for the beauty that others express I have and come up empty handed. Emotionally, I see a young woman that is lost, uneducated, and doomed. I see a failure. I see two marriages lived and lost. I see a cascade of tears. I see no confidence. I see a dim future…I feel defeated.
What SHOULD I see when I look in the mirror?
I can’t say for sure what I should see. I can relay the words I have heard and I can express the essence I attempt to carry on the outside. I should see strength, determination, and the fight for survival. I should see the radiant smile and a professional posture. I should see the positive I bring to this world…I should feel proud.
Pushing myself is what I have always prided myself on. I work very hard for everything; I created a stamina that would take me to success. The race is always 90% mental and 10% physical ability. I feel the weight of it all and I struggle with the encapsulated emotion. Shouldn’t this goddamn cycle have left by now? The ups, the downs…the entire journey is terrifying and the experience is exhausting. The wells haven’t dried up and the emotion continues to flow from my eyes. I want this over…I want to live without pain, struggle, and doubt. My life, I want my life back!
Right now my mind races. Today I had a bridal shower in celebration of an upcoming wedding in the family. The beauty of a couple uniting and pledging the deepest of love that binds a foundation to a marriage has always moved me. Along with our family’s blessing I will be in the attendance of two other weddings within the same month, one of which is for a dear friend of mine’s special occasion. Honestly, my heart wants to explode. I heave with sadness, disappointment, and question. My marriage has crumbled and the deep connection continues to drift. I become angry with him, why…why did he do this to me, why wouldn't he just stop!
All in the same moment I am deeply angry and heartbroken. I slouch with defeat and given in to the river of sadness that rolls down my cheeks. Sobs of failure escape my throat. I want to let go and just wake up as this all feels like a nightmare. Frustration shakes me as I resist the urge to clear my desk with the swipe of my arm.
When does it stop? When does the pain go away? Love, what is love? Does it exist? I have given up. The entire fairytale is just that, a fictitious story with a main character other than myself. I gave into love, I embraced it with all I had, and made sure he knew I loved him everyday. As I drove through the park today there was an outdoor wedding and in my rearview mirror I said my good-bye to that dream. No white dress, no vows, no romantic kiss, no first dance…it isn’t in the cards for me and it never will be. I don’t think I can love again as my heart is empty. Love…a word with no meaning.
Vulnerability no more…Empty efforts
~Nina~
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