Never did I ever think I would be at this moment ever again in my life. Today my heart stopped as the emotions emerged from my body. It was as if I was standing still and watching a rerun of January 25, 2010. Tears streamed down my face. The terror, his anger, the words, and his intimidation…he grabbed me with his words and emotionally violated me to the point of physical ailment.
Agitation was very prominent in his voice today. His anger wasn’t with me, but I am his emotional beating post regardless of his tension coming from a different relationship in his life. His behavior has been building, reverting back to his original patterns. For a few weeks I have witnessed and experienced his cycle of abuse once again. His actions that surrounded me with fear today left me with the history of his physical outbursts flashing before my eyes.
Panic wrapped me and embraced me with such strength the fear purged from my stomach. Crouched in the bathroom I heaved with emotion. A river of trepidation poured from my heart and the moisture blurred my vision. Crumbling into an emotional pile on the tiled floor I felt defeated. He wins…I will never be able to live without the slander, the abuse.
The ability to stand dissolved as he slashed my heart, “I want nothing to do with you or those fucking kids.” Breathing difficult, my heart racing…this man hates me. There I was, slouched and unsure how I was going to pull myself together. After the first, “you fucking cunt” he lost all control and drove right through my soul. His displacement of blame for his losses penetrated me, “This is your fucking fault, because you couldn’t keep your fucking mouth shut.” One of the last things he told me today was, “Remember when you said you feared the day I would wake up and just hate you…that day is very close.” As I breakdown I realize this, he already does…he reached that point along time ago.
Months of reassuring myself and inward coaching I was able to scratch my way to the surface of the survival crater. I at one point was able to bask in the warmth of the sunshine waiting for me. Here I lay, enervated at the deepest void and casted with dark shadows once again. The dust of the bottom settles on my soul. Surrender is screaming its way out of my heart. Giving up is such an attractive option at this very moment. With a split second of the upward rise of my white flag my children’s faces flash in front of me. No, pulling my arm down…I won’t give up. I will find a way to defend myself. I will protect my children and their futures. I will enforce boundaries of safety.
This entire process has been of great difficulty. Some days I carry defeat and the desire to quit, slipping back into the part of society no one knew existed. Some days I feel it would be simplest to just let him come home and the abuse is an easier option than trying to survive him. Other days I just feel exhausted with defeat and no self worth. The rest of the days I try to dig deep and keep myself focused on the fact that I…that my kids deserve a life of happiness and safety. The path of self destruction leaves him unpredictable and unapproachable. As the scale tilts, the priority of protection takes precedence.
Power he grabs…control his feed
~Nina~
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