Love...Fable or Veracity

What is love, the idea of love? What is it that makes love so attractive and desired? Why is it that the very emotion that brings euphoric release also brings a heart wrenching pain? Lust or love…simple vs. complex, both are pleasurable as well as dangerous. The past few days I have pondered, what is it that someone seeks with love? Is it someone who will adore, be a lover, a companion, or to have that one person that can be trusted? Love, the emotion of deep connection, visualized fantasy, and prayed for security…the feelings most surrender to with the acceptance of becoming vulnerable.

Grabbing a dictionary, with the hope to bring some sort of concrete idea to the meaning of this word, I am faced with a laundry list of definitions, explanations, and examples. The first four, in my opinion, are the top four defining words of love:

1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

I have been a participant with each of the listed above areas of love with more than one person of my past. As a little girl, I invested everything I had into the idea of a soul-mate, one’s true love. As a grown woman, I have come to learn that the idea of a soul-mate is not a reality, but merely one’s fantasy…a past dream. No longer do I believe in one’s true love…love is a condition that can grow with each relationship a person may have within a lifetime.

Whole-heartedly I am a romantic person from the core, outward. I respected and worshiped the entire sanctified idea of marriage. To be a wife, I was proud to hold the title and valued my position of being the sounding board to one’s life. My first husband I adored and worked very hard for. I was crushed as I watched him drive down the road and demoralized as I learned of his affair. I questioned my whole character with great doubt of my internal worth. Meeting my second husband, I developed and grew a deep affection of rooted admiration as well. Again, I worked with determination and pressed on through all the challenges thrown my way. The power of my love for him made the ability of separating myself from him extremely difficult. Regardless of the damage of his violent behavior, I will always love him…he is the father of my children, a man I had a profound connection with.

For the second time I am left to question my own self. Why don’t I deserve the purity of an innocent love, a remarkable bond, an underlying respect or value? What is wrong with me, what fault has brought me to where I am today? As I sit here the tear of surrender rolls down my cheek. I give up…my hopes defeated.

Several months now I have been on my own, seeking independence. I stand here before my life, almost 25 years old and lost. At one point I knew what I wanted, where I would go…I had a plan. Now, I don’t know what to make of my inside anymore. The mere reflection of confidence is the strength I maintain for my children. They need a structured environment, the ability to be kids, and trust I will keep them secure. The exposure to my intimate emotion causes my breakdown and the tears leave me feeling trounced. The river of doubt flows from my eyes, I bow my head while wiping my dreams of being enveloped with love from my face. I seek no longer…

Love…Once a reality, now a parable

~Nina~