To Fight or To Surrender

There was lots of weight today. My mind wandered with all that I have to do, haven’t done, and should do. Goals, obligations, responsibilities, dreams…they are all intermixing and my shoulders want to give out. Today I dropped to one knee and struggled to regain the power to keep my white flag from waving. Depression does sneak up while asking me to offer my hand. Leaving dreams behind, I want to just walk away and settle with the idea that I cannot achieve much more than my current status.

My phone rang and the number I recognized. I was afraid of the conversation and I truly was giving up. The voice on the other end was inspiring yet a struggle for me to take in. The tears flowed as I was surrendering to the darkness that lurked behind me and this person was reaching out to help me. “You can do this…you are a fighter…I know you are,” a few phrases that were expressed several times within the conversation and left me wondering, questioning my own heart…my strengths.

Can I do this? I fought it. The words of, “No, I can’t,” continued to recite. No one understands what the average helping of life I get daily. This obesity of stress that clogs my arteries is going to kill me someday. I had the urge to jump on the bandwagon and agree with this person, but also giving up was an attractive option. Eventually they broke the hold and were able to pull me up. I found myself saying, “I will try…all I can do is try.” I may never hold great success in the standards of this society, but damn-it I will try.

Am I a fighter? Digging deep, searching for the flicker of determination isn’t easy everyday. Some days I feel that if it was completely snuffed then life would be simpler. Clawing my way out of a void isn’t a hobby and at times hanging out in an abyss of darkness would involve less energy. “You are a fighter…I have watched you before.” This person had more confidence in me that I have in myself. Am I? Will I? I have to fight; I have to give it everything I have and more for my children’s sakes. I will fight until there is nothing left.

Yes, no doubt today was difficult for me. Several times I wanted to call it quits, but at the end of the day my internal flame is dim, but not gone. Again I have to tell myself that tomorrow is a new day. Waking will give me different opportunities and new focus. Tonight I will rest my head and pray.

Doubt may have captured…Victory not gained

~Nina~