Exhaustion…Overload

Each day is a new day, but lately it feels like a new bucket of weight added. Things continue to get thrown my way and I feel like the challenge is to see if I will break. No doubt I feel the stress ripping and the how long before my seam gives out…I don’t know. Juggling my children, my health, work, legal, emotions, and more…the voicemail I received pushed me towards enough.

The knowledge of him being uncooperative shouldn’t be shocking, yet it hits me like a ton of bricks. Expressing that he won’t be paying toward what he agreed to and replying that it is my bill…really after all the work and emotional effort I put into him. The sensitivity I have had for his comforts or survival goes unappreciated, the time of responding to his emotional needs just minimized. Chance after chance…dropping the order and waiting for all the signs of his pledged change to relieve me only to be faced with the reality of his true need for control with a side effect of anger that dominos into a loss of control. This all truly squashes my heart…my love.

My internal light does flicker. Frustration and being upset surface at this moment. The flame grows not with tender appreciation, but of confused disappointment. This is not the path I envisioned, but it is the journey I am faced with. Taking a moment to collect my thoughts, I close my eyes and draw in a deep cool breath. I cannot control where we go from here. I cannot control his emotion or cooperation. I cannot determine that we continue in the path of mutual goals and grounds agreed on as we had. I can only adapt to his position and move forward totally alone.

Yes, I am very tired. This all is overwhelming and each sunrise compiles to my anxiety as our final date approaches. Though I struggle with the feeling of frustration for him I continue the grievance of my marriage and my husband. I now realize that I worked alone before so why the fear of doing it solo now? Doesn’t matter, it is what it is and I need to look ahead.

Awaiting rest…Hoping for relief

~Nina~