The alarm went off early this morning, but I had been up for a while before it chimed trying to focus on the captured tranquility I felt as I fell asleep last night. I was in bed and the night was very clear with an illuminated essence embracing me with the warmth of serenity. Peace, when I went to bed I just gazed at the moon…the beautiful image had drawn in my heart. I pictured arms holding me close, giving me courage…strength.
Getting things in order for my morning, it wasn’t as nerve-wracking as the first time around, but still traumatic. I was very nervous as it is heartbreaking to the fact that I was forced into this position once again. How would the Judge interpret my actions of dropping the order or the question of how his behavior again escalated to an unsafe point as we are here again? The experience had a sense of déjà vu as I showered and applied my make-up. The pressing urge of my emotion to fall from my eyes left me wondering how I will get through this. The image of his angry face flashed and my reaction was to cower. His power…the control, I have to break free.
Walking into the courtroom I held my head high. I stared at the clock with anticipation. ‘Will he show,’ raced through my mind as I drooped with an involuntary shutter of fear. Then I heard my attorney speak to him. As I turned my head, the floodgate opened. His affect was of great rage…a face I use to endure on a daily basis. The whole occurrence was a whirlwind. I thought I was going to pass out as my family once again became exposed to the nature of his abuse while he lost control in front of the Judge. My heart stopped, the hesitation blurred the room and once again I suffered the emotion exploding.
The paper was signed…an order of protection, the legal barrier that will keep him from threatening me as well as halting his ability to expose his abusive nature towards me anymore. Relief…no, the lodged emotion pushing up my esophagus left me heaving. Everything raced and I felt faint as I knelt on the bathroom floor. There I was flushing it all for the second time…for the last time.
The state of my psych at that moment after I sat in the conference room can only be described as surreal. It was as if I stepped out and was standing outside my body. Watching them talk to me, seeing the struggle to process, and the pale color left me wondering just how I was capable of handling him alone for so long. I could hear their words, but nothing was sticking. Emptiness, there was the shell of my physical body, but the past collided with my future and my essence drifted.
How do I feel right now? It is very much different from the first time I went through this. There isn’t the overwhelming sense of my heart longing to hope for my love to pull me through this. I don’t wonder if he will become healthy enough to come home some day. I have no pondering of our future…there isn’t one, he lost me forever. Right now I feel numb, but I now have the ability to grow and nurture a healthy life for my children and myself.
Dark moment...Bright future
~Nina~
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