Wandering Mind…Surfaced Emotions

I am not classifying today as a day of struggle or a day of doubt. Today my mind has meandered and this has brought emotions to the surface. Each day is going to bring new feelings or continued emotions, but it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Depending on my approach with handling these emotions will determine if the day is a struggle. Today I am just reaching out. I need to get my feelings out and then the day will be a success.

I constantly fidget with my wedding ring. This isn’t what I pictured my life to be. Marriage is a sacrament that I value with all my heart. Love is the purest of emotion that I have worked for, that I adore. I tried so hard. All I expected from him was the same effort, respect, and decency that I have given. I have consistently given this my all, every ounce of my being and not to receive a fraction of that same effort is disheartening. It saddens me. My first marriage, this marriage…I am left to feel like I don’t deserve to have the serenity of that deep love that two people share. Like my destiny is to just be alone. I always believed my purpose was to fill this world with love and appreciation, to be a passionate wife, and loving mother. Maybe I was wrong, maybe I am just meant to live in solitude.

Many have questioned my journey, the severity of it, and the reality of it. Others wonder why I place my emotions into words that become shared with others. Writing, for me, is more than giving an emotion a visible description. It is a way to communicate with myself, with my heart, and with others. I started the development of this site to have the ability to fully reflect my inside for myself and for others. Some may think that this whole experience is a personal or private matter. To those I say, “I kept it private, I tried to handle it alone. It got to a point where I needed to reach out for help.” I cannot be ashamed that I needed the help, I didn’t do anything wrong. Abuse is something that will progress exponentially and that I have experienced. There is the old saying of, “It takes a village to raise a child,” and I believe it also takes that same village to ‘save’ a child. Myself and my children are that “child.” The darkness experienced, the murky life lived…it is not easy to overcome, to survive.

My goal at this moment is to take this all one day at a time. There have been moments I have had to take this minute by minute. Safety is the most important thing right now. With a continued escalation expressed, I still live in fear. My decisions or lack of decisions seem to be made from my frightened instinct of his response. This, for the record, is not a healthy way to live. I will continue to build a foundation and preserve what self-esteem I have left to nurture the woman I desire to be.

Each day is one more foot placed in front of the other…

~Nina~