Divine Strength...Surreal Challenges

The sun came up, but I had already been awake well before. I laid there in bed and watched my precious daughter sleep. Surreal, that is how this journey has been. Never did I ever picture myself on a day where I needed to put myself together to appear in court.

While I moseyed downstairs to get ready I looked out side. I stood at the landing of my stairway and peered out the window. The absence of the black little SUV sure added to my already black hole. What is he doing? Where is he right now? These are just a few of the questions that I want the answers to, but unsure if I truly need the answers. After taking a shower I put on a nice outfit. While looking in the mirror I fought back tears as I tried applying my make-up. My hair twisted up in a sophisticated up-do and there I was--the wife…a victim. The goal was to present a woman of strength and determination to instill protection from the disheartening life she had been living. I wanted to avoid giving him the power of seeing the train wreck of my insides, the doubt.

I walked into the court room and faced forward. “I can do this,” I recited over and over. As I took my place at the table before the Judge, my heart lurched up into my throat. I glimpsed at him and sorrow flooded my heart. Fear of his rebuttal paralyzed me for a second. “Can I do this?” was the question that crowded my thoughts. I told a few pieces of my story and there it was--victory. The Domestic Violence Restraining Order was put into place. I thought there would be relief, but there wasn’t. It was a heavy weight in my stomach as I resisted the urge to vomit. This meant that my story was now public and even more, I was truly being recognized as a victim of domestic abuse. I cried as I waited for the Judge to bring me a copy of the order that would be separating my husband from the opportunity to hurt me anymore.

Walking out deemed a struggle. His face was buried in his hands. Was it shame? Maybe it is best that I don’t know. I no more than sat down to take a few deep breaths and it rushed out of me. I ran to the bathroom and without hesitation the emotion heaved out of me. I crouched in front of the toilet and gagged on nothing, I hadn’t been able to eat this morning. I collected myself enough to stand up. Leaving the stall in which I flushed the reigns he had on me and there she was…my mom. I looked in the mirror and the tears flowed. She wasn’t sure what to say, nor was I able to even speak myself. She saw the pain I had been living; she heard a few pieces of my diminished existence during this relationship. I always tried to protect her from the truth, but no longer is my life silent.

Driving this afternoon allowed me to reflect upon the day’s events. Taking in the reality of him not denying past violence and grasping the odds of where my future will go was unreal. My gut, my instinct is influencing my soul to prepare for the ending of my marriage. The realism of him not holding resentment towards me is slight. This was a conclusion I was going to have to arrange myself to venture. Now I will have to accept the process and nurture my essence.

Not the end…just a new chapter…

~Nina~