Searched Support…Surfaced Surprises

Today has presented itself with lots of thought. A specific engagement that I attended left me pondering the value of life. I only get one shot at this and at anytime it could be my time to go. I don’t have a crystal ball and my wish to know exactly what the future holds is a strong desire. Realizing that the unknown pushes me to live in the here and now, I am given the ability to recognize that I must present my full potential everyday. No regrets, no going back.

Trust has many definitions, but I am going to focus on two.

1. Reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2. Confident expectation of something; hope.

Through experiences including and going beyond the relationship with my husband, I am left with the inability to trust. I relied on the integrity of my husband and it didn’t prevail. I leaned on strength from an individual I believed to finally be standing in my corner, but again it wasn’t there. I banked on the ability of a specific individual to stand up and realize the severity of this and the cheek was turned. I had confidence in the expectation of previous relationships and the hope was shattered. I have found myself here with a resolve that I cannot trust people.

How does one over come this? I have a substantial list of reasons to build this shield from people. I constantly wonder, “Do they know I suffered this life of darkness? Will or are they looking at me differently? Does this make me a person of lowered integrity and less importance?” Shame, I have carried a coat of shame as though it was my fault that he always acted out. If only I could have done something different to make him happy. I altered myself so much that I lost myself…I lost who I was. Now, now I am a victim and I struggle to swallow the ability to recognize that I am a victim of domestic abuse whom seeks survival. Does this change me? It does, it makes me stronger as I have come forth to protect myself and bring the appropriate actions to stop this cycle.

Today I tried to channel an energy into finding some answers to my emotions. Early in this stance to end my daily experience of damaging heartache I was given a name, someone wanted to reach out to me. This person wanted to share their experience, to assure me that I am not alone. Four weeks later I found myself venturing to this person. I introduced myself and explained that I had received their name. I was greeted with a warm smile and open arm as they said, “Yes, that was me.” I asked questions, I answered questions…a spark of trust unfolded. The abuser of this individual was a well known and highly respected individual in the community. People need to realize that domestic abuse is more than a lower class or blue collar class experience. Lawyers abuse, doctors abuse, and anyone at anytime can be subjected to abuse regardless of their economic status.

Understandably a person with my experiences will not and does not trust, but it is difficult to learn how to trust if one doesn’t try. I walked out onto the branch a little bit today, but my hand remained securely on the trunk for stability. Within time and taking the correct avenues, I will be able to bring my fingertip from my heightened self preservation and to another’s hand. I, someday, will be able to trust people and know that they won’t let me fall. Time, the ultimate medication to such a traumatic experience…time will bring forth the ability to trust again.

Don’t rush tomorrow as it holds one building block for the next day…

~Nina~