Ignorance or Dominance

Sleeping has been a struggle. Nutrition has been a struggle. People have been a struggle. Each day I wake up and pray for a better day. As the morning progressed, I was left to believe that today was going to be my brighter day.

Things were going well. I managed to run some errands and achieve some of my goals for the house. The feat of physical tasks brings inner strength to my spirits each day. My self worth has lifted slightly above the red line. As I was alone today I took a few extra minutes for myself. While in the shower I allowed the hot water to trickle on my neck. The stress of this whole situation is presenting tightness in my body. The soothing warmth rooted right into the cold, dark pain I have been suffering from daily.

I hopped out of the shower and smoothed lotion onto my legs. The discomfort of tension in my life left me wanting to itch like having dry skin. Softness, my personality of presenting care and compassion marks my soul. I turned the radio on and danced through the house. Free, my whole being was pouring from my body. The need to move, the body language of happiness escaped. Euphoric power was bringing an elated pleasure, emotions I have been searching for.

Understanding this as a process and that the journey is much like a roller coaster. Comfort levels, extreme drops, upside down bouts, and abrupt turns can lead both joy and sadness. Going about my day in a very positive manner, I get the feeling of my stomach dropping to my knees as I receive an email that disturbs me.

Ignorance or dominance, which are they trying to hold over me. The pushing must stop. I have maintained a pleasant cooperation. I have brought efforts that I shouldn’t have to. I will say, “No more.” People may not like it, but the request is ridiculous. I was not the abuser, I was not the aggressor. Why the treatment as if I destroyed him? Does anyone have a clue what I have experienced? The disturbance to my personal growth and development has halted aspirations I desire to achieve. I didn’t hinder, I promoted self-worth and tried to provide guidance to his desired achievements.

The past few days have surfaced a determination in me that I didn’t know existed. I am going to stand up and hold ground. I don’t deserve to be treated like this. I am not going to allow my presence to be bullied any longer. I will again present myself with cooperation, but compromising is the art of meeting in the middle. The other side will have to give too, if not they will have to nurture their own needs and except that the ability to manipulate me no longer exists.

Believing in me…standing up for me…

~Nina~