The First Day of the Rest of My Life

Eight days ago this journey began. Light was brought to my life of secrecy as I reached out for help. I had been living in a home with domestic abuse and on Monday, January 25, 2010 I placed boundaries to protect my children’s lives and my life.

Everyday I woke up and wondered, “How did I get here? How did it get this far?” I spent days committing to this life to allow my ability to intervene and protect the kids. My fear of being alone and the uncertainty of surviving paralyzed my soul. Believing the apologies and promises built into the continued faith I have for his desired change. It was suppose to be different, he pledged to a new life. I come to realize that regardless of the margins I put in place on my own, his judgment became impaired while angry. He continued to challenge and push until the boundaries were crossed yet again.

The point came where I needed to separate my head from my heart. It doesn’t matter how much I love him or the emotion have I invested into this. I can only control what I can control—myself. I needed to take action and remove myself as well as my children from the situation that was damaging. No longer could I allow this to happen to us. My decisions were made for the emotional well-being of my kids. The bottom line remains: they do not deserve to grow in an atmosphere where there is no sunshine for them to develop and mature. Their existence is of pure innocence.

Does it make this easy? No! I thought each day was supposed to get easier. I have found that each day actually brings new trials and tests. It seemed to get harder and my perceived strength was continually being tested. My internal turmoil was and is tearing me apart, but my beautiful children need the empowerment of a composed mother. Identifying a balance allowed me to foster each and every emotion I was experiencing as well facilitating the ability to bring tranquility as I embraced the process.

At this very moment I try to acknowledge my current emotion. This is not a sentiment I am familiar with. Lost, I feel as though I am in an empty room. I love him; he is my husband, the father of my kids. I want to trust, yet have a hovering apprehension. Tomorrow holds this uncertainty that I am forced to explore. Preserving my determined inner spirit will nurture my ability to triumph!

Until tomorrow....

~Nina~