There is no denying it. Today has been a difficult day, a tearful day. A message was relayed to me and it places question in my heart. Then the question about my wedding ring was presented to me. The emotions continually to rush through my veins and today I struggled to maintain composure through out the day.
I was given a book to read which describes the cycle of abuse. This book was acting as a paper weight until recently. It holds explanation about his side with being the aggressor and it describes exactly what I went through as well as what I continue to go through. This writing along with other material I have read expresses the outlook being minuscule as far as living a life of no more abuse. I gather that there isn’t a “cure” that this is going to be a lifetime battle as an alcoholic or other addict would deal with. Time, truly time will only tell.
Reading the material pushes me in the direction of feeling like I need to be making permanent boundaries such as a dissolved marriage. It chips at the continued hope I have had since I began praying for “this” time to be the last time. The communication of continued steps towards a potential recovery pulls at my heart. I buckle and find myself resisting the urge to vomit as this internal struggle surfaces. Is there a chance he can forever live in a healthy manner? Will I spend the rest of my life wondering if he will hurt me again? Can I trust him again as I feel violated on so many levels? Again, as I stated above…time, time will provide answers.
The tears flood my vision as I stare at my ring, the ring he gave to me that continues to occupy my finger. To love, honor, and cherish…. Words I vowed, words I lived by. I will love you for all the days of my life… Words that I will continue to honor. Love is not an emotion that just gets shut off, if it did then these feelings didn’t really exist. I gave my husband my heart; I don’t think I will ever get it back. It is better to have loved and let go then never to have loved at all. I don’t know where my future will go, but I know that I have given this everything I have.
Tomorrow…a pleasant unknown or a feared mystery…
~Nina~
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(((HUGS))) Still praying for you
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