The day ventured down a difficult path. Again, I had the unfortunate opportunity of being on the other end of a conversation that wasn’t supportive. My goal to get through these is just to maintain cooperation, stand with proper posture, and breathe calmness. What point would it serve to be angry with these people? I try to see all perspectives, I try to be sensitive to other's interpretations, I try to be the best person and mother I can be. Values, my values serve a greater purpose. I will not lash out or reflect anger, but I will not hold another conversation with these individuals.
Tears, the physical sign of many emotions, seem to be my closest liberation right now. I will walk by something and feel a presence tap my shoulder. I look up to see my husband’s ball cap in the closet. A tear will roll down my cheek as I miss him. I stand at the stairs and remember the night when he wouldn’t move so I could walk by. A tear slides down my face as I fear him. I will reread letters written and replay words of sorrow expressed. A waterfall of tears will flood my vision as I continue to hope. I tuck the kids in at night and the boys smile with a twinkle in their eyes while my daughter squeezes tight as she whispers, “I love you so much Momma.” A stream of tears moistens my face as I cherish my children. Emotions, all different emotions I have occurrences with daily.
I feel lost right now, I feel exhausted. I know these days serve a purpose, but I want to sigh while asking, “Why today? What lesson am I learning today?” Today, I am just a student with the lesson of learning that I will have to accept this as a journey, as a process. I am an apprentice of life and this is a necessary part of moving forward. Does it make days like today less tearful? Nope. Does it bring a half an ounce of understanding that this is normal? Nope. Does it bring the knowledge of knowing that tomorrow is a blank canvas awaiting the colors of my essence to paint the expressions of this journey? Yep. Good or bad…joyful or painful, I will grasp this journey and take away from it what I can.
I close no doors, I end no chapters. I just keep stepping forward and flipping pages…
~Nina~
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You are a strong woman. I know what you are going through. I myself have put up with a tremendous amount of emotional abuse from my alcoholic husband. I also got my priorities in order and started putting myself first, cause I am #1! But I stuck by my husband and I helped him get help. It was worth it, I love him, as I think you love yours. He is two years sober, my life has never been better. We worked hard, I think with my love and support, he was able to overcome. I sincerely hope things work out for you, remember God Loves you, and so do many others I am sure.
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