Today was the first time I opened the blinds. After pulling the first one open I saw a light cascade into my living room. Then I made my way to the final shade, I pulled the string with inner strength. The luminance signified my soul, my internal peace. For so long I have been in the dark, hiding the truth. Crossing my arms I peered outside with confidence to myself as a woman with empowerment of bringing forth her providence.
To feel a slight lift of weight from the difficult emotion united to this situation, I was able to carry with proper posture. The achievement was short lived. I had a conversation that I didn’t see coming. An important person in my life, a support I assumed, expressed discomfiture to the outcome thus far. I was blindsided to the idea that I trusted and believed only to be devastated at the current reaction. At what point does a person let go of a tie that causes so much pain? Perspective will give someone insight to a situation, but until it is experienced one will not fully understand. I am confounded by the conversations carried today.
When asked to be silenced of my journey, I was thwarted. Domestic violence is something that is lived in concealment everyday. People don’t confront the behavior of their aggressor because of the reaction listed above. The empowerment was taken from me. I cannot even be recognized as strong, as brave. This type of home takes place more than the public is aware of. It goes beyond just walking away. If it was that simple, the solution would be chosen more often. If I give in, if I stop expressing…my surviving this diminishes. I have lived the ashamed emotion; it is what kept my voice mute. Pretending doesn’t solve this, exposure isn’t a punishment--it is acceptance.
Though extremely difficult I will have to separate myself from the part of society that believes in a continued silence as appropriate. I am responsible for my emotion. I cannot control others’ reactions. Interpretation is in the hands of the receiver, and knowledge is power. All I can do is hope I have clearly expressed my position, my intentions. This isn’t about sides…this isn’t about vengeance. I am seeking the grace of surviving a deep love and the balance of safety from a prospected progression in violence by the discernment of a witnessed pattern of behavior. My sharing will bring awareness to others. It will aid in a healing that I need to embrace. Pride means nothing unless it is held for oneself.
Appreciation is greatly honored to the individuals whom send support, Thank You…An appreciation is also acknowledged for any individuals that may not…It reminds me that a security and belief isn’t reached from the outside, it is achieved from within!
Tomorrow awaits me…
~Nina~
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