Damaged…A day of Damage

Unexpected events bring a new level of low. I struggle to even bring the right words together to describe my insides. The behavior of people send extreme hurt to me. The reflected anger in my inability to have brought this forward sooner damages me more. I remain timid and within express that this is why I stayed quiet. I cannot get them to understand what it is and has been to be a victim. Outside looking in the steps and red flags are so apparent. Living this life, I haven’t been able to bring them to the understanding of my full experience.

Challenge, I was challenged with this question, “I want to know, do you take responsibility for anything?” I stepped directly in front of the inquirer and stated, “Everyday I think about it and feel I have failed her as a mother,” while speaking in reference to my daughter. The dynamics she has been presented with are disheartening and the effects brought to her are concerning. I gave birth to my boys and they didn’t ask for this. The children are of pure innocence and they deserve a bright future without the hindrance of witnessed abuse. I don’t want this behavior to be accepted as appropriate to present or accept.

Emotion, the rush of deep emotion began to pour out of my soul. I crouched by the corner of the vehicle as they stayed inside with the kids. Tears…I sobbed of extreme pain. It was there; I ran to my backyard and vomited. I continued until I was so empty that all I did was heave. I began to gag on nothing. Alone, I am so alone. This is why I never came forward. The reactions, the disbelief, the refusal to understand as the picture they had is the assumed they hold onto. Let me ask you, “Do you think that an abuser is often public?” I am here to state, “It is like a dual personality, you live with a demon and hold on to the angel presented in public.” The struggle to pray that it would carry into our home, behind closed doors and realizing that it wouldn’t brought a roller coaster of hope and sadness.

Here I sit, empty. Where does this go? I was threatened and brought extreme shame as he expressed that I embarrassed him. He told me that it was my fault. I tried, God please know that I tried. I believe in family, I made a vow to stay for better for worse. I gave it everything I had. I will have to let go, I have to let go of the shame. I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t deserve this.

Sorry for this good-bye…

~Nina~