Extreme Emptiness...Plentiful Pain

Today has pressed my mind and my heart to great levels of exhaustion. The boys will be staying another night, but the task of caring for two sick boys has not drained me nearly as much as the rest of my day. Without a doubt the sadness and emotion of the day impedes my faith that I will survive.

I was woken up to a high level of unnecessary stress. My intentions didn’t even manage to get there in time as I didn’t have the chance. The hardship placed great weight to my already filled plate and I had only gotten a small bout of a nap. Phone calls, there were so many today. The question of my actions and the order they were taken again sends heartache to my soul. I have always and continue to assess the situation fully to act with the intention of everyone’s best interest involved. My position and my reasoning is not one taken into great consideration. The foundation that was once created just continues to crumble into a pile of rubble that contains no fitted pieces anymore.

Another conversation left me with a waterfall of tears. After hanging up I sat and stared at my sleeping children. “I don’t want you to suffer,” were words expressed to me. Suffer…pain has and continues to wound my core daily. I suffer nightmares, I suffer from fear, I suffer from love, and I suffer from the pain of a lack of understanding. I suffer thinking that I am doing the right thing, making the right decision only to be knocked out at the knees as another event compiles to my already overweight load upon my shoulders.

I played several events, occasions, and incidents through my mind. I curled up into a ball. Then without hesitation I sobbed with every ounce of me. Tears flooded my vision, my heart, and my mind. Worthless…I feel like I am not worth anything. I have tried so hard, I have worked every avenue. I have given my entire being to him and the surroundings. I have nothing left. My soul deems empty.

Through out the day I would build a surfaced strength to help my boys heal. The cycle of tending to their medical needs and their rest periods brought a pattern of focused energy and breakdowns to my inside. As I exited another, of many, conversations of the day I placed my hands over my face. The moans of sorrow escaped my throat. No, that wasn’t what was supposed to have happend. I didn’t ask for this to happen. Instantly I feel the urge. I ran to the bathroom and began to vomit. The emotion of another unexpected day heaved from my stomach. Exhausted, this all is wearing me down to a minuscule existence.

The length of today stacks up there to one of the longest since this journey pressed play. My stupor is beaten. Watching my boys rest peacefully eases my heart only to pray for tranquility to seek my soul. I haven’t slept much and I’ve eaten nothing. Will the grief consume me? Will it not stop until it has destroyed me? The dream of happiness has escaped me and the goal of facing tomorrow with self dignity dissolves. I will be what my kids need. I provide the strength and structure they desire. Beyond that my emptied heart embraces solitude—my destiny.

Goodnight…Good Luck…

~Nina~