Empty…Today I feel Empty

Visitors came today. My family, the family that supports me, ventured to see me today. I appreciate each and every one of them. Their efforts to make me feel loved goes beyond what a daughter or grand-daughter could ask for. Thank you…I want to thank you very much!

I woke up from a continued night of disrupted sleep. When will it stop, the nightmares, the restlessness? Exhaustion carries on. I feel empty. No other word can fully describe it better than that. Distance, all day I have put distance between me and the rest of the world. The resistance of crying I constantly had to convey to myself. I wasn’t able to hold up. I broke down and again the emotion poured out of me.

Where does this come from? I don’t even know why today has brought me this hallow feeling. The only expression I have been able to articulate is the love I have for my kids. I brought smiles to their faces and a sparkle to their eyes, but when alone…I feel more than isolation. This journey brings to me a day of sadness that isn’t a direct result of a distressing event. This day just marks a day that will be experienced regardless due to the journey of surviving this.

A memory has clouded my thoughts for the past few days, this memory: I had taken the garbage out a few nights ago and the street light illuminated my skin. I turned my hand over and as my palm faced up the flashback blindsided me. It was the night where I stood out by the street lamp at the end of my driveway. He was very upset and began his cycle of emotional torment.

I constantly felt inside as though I couldn’t do this anymore. I needed to reach out and I dialed a number, the number I used frequently to reach out for help. My husband angrily stated if I involved the party that I would regret it, that I would be divorced by tomorrow. “I can’t do this anymore, the stress is killing me,” I responded. I sent the call through and explained what was going on. This enraged him and he told me that he was going to call in and stay home to torment me. This he did. It was well into the night and I became so frightened that I positioned myself underneath the light by the road. Shaking, I was shaking as I dialed 9-1-1, but froze as I stared at the digits on my phone. He always told me that if I called the police I would regret it. I was too terrified to find out what that meant.

The charade of anger and lack of control brought him to the backyard where the construction of a fire left me concerned. The flames were high and I managed to get myself to the backyard to ask him to please calm the inferno some as I was concerned that the garage would catch on fire. He leaned on the shovel and cycled several times through anger to remorse to asking for forgiveness. I wasn’t feeling good from the parade of intimidation and walked towards the house.

I went inside but was too afraid to lie down in the bedroom. My fear of him left me curled up in the recliner where I could see both entrances to the house. I didn’t want to be off guard and cornered as I wasn’t sure if he had calmed down. When he came in the house I said nothing. He walked to the fridge, grabbed a beer, and came into the living room. After sitting on the couch he scoffed, “Go upstairs, I don’t want to look at you right now.” My heart skipped a beat as I already felt knocked down, “I am just sitting here doing nothing.” He looked at me with those cold eyes of anger, the expression that I fear the most. “I don’t care,” he demanded. As I got up to walk upstairs he asked me to turn around. He continued an aggressive banter towards me. The next thing I remember is him waking me up as I was on my dining room floor. “What the fuck is wrong with you? You just passed out.” Silently I answered within…my body was giving up; I could no longer handle this anymore.

Fear, I have a deeply instilled fear of a man that I love. This fear has caused me many sleepless nights, emotional drainage, and a continued altering of myself to avoid his anger. Dominance, my husband carried emotional dominance over me as he grasped for control. I ponder…the recovery of a physical bruise would heal more efficiently then the emotional damage that he has done. I have nothing left inside. I lack confidence on physical appearance, my cognitive ability, and self worth. Where do I go from here? No one will want me as I have been damaged.

This cascade of tears continues to signify the heartache I have endured. A piece of an email from him, “please try to look past all of the hell and misery that I've caused, past all the heartache and letdowns.” These were words that were constantly expressed to me. Forgiveness, every instance he would recognize the pain, but he lacked the control to maintain the promise he made to me. Loving him, supporting him, and being there every step of the way; it brought his hatred I came to interpret from him…As his wife, I gave him my entire soul and it wasn’t enough. What am I worth?

Please God, fill this shell, bring her back to me…

~Nina~