Gut Wrenching Fear

At what point does one give up and stop greeting the sunshine of a new day? I am not sure, but that point is really close. Today, I have no words that can describe the fear I hold at this very moment. I have no revelation today. I have raw emotion and unsure where to channel it.

The events of today have brought me to the fighting this urge to puke. I have people telling me that I am strong. Am I? Can I survive this? I brought the strength my kids needed to the outside. After I put my boys down to sleep, I looked at my darling girl and began to cry. Shaking, I was trembling with fear of today’s outcome and the unknown of tomorrow. My blessed child crawled into my lap, wiped my cheek, and whispered, “Don’t cry Momma, I miss you, I love you.” Without hesitation I wrapped my arms around her and vowed deep in my heart to protect her from this all. She deserves to grow up with the true expectation of happiness.

Feeling desolate I took extra time for each one of my children tonight. I rocked them; I prayed for them and I promised within to do the right thing...to protect them. I am giving them the power to grow up and not foster improper ideas of mannerisms. Witnessed abuse can trail into a learned behavior. I am empowering them…my kids are going to have a bright future! I will do what I can to ensure they have the tools, the resources to grow with compassion in the heart and values in the mind.

At first tonight I struggled to mold my words into a statue of the true reflection of my inside. I, two paragraphs ago, didn’t know where to channel the rush of this emotion. I now realized that I found an avenue to direct my focus—my kids. I am a mother. I will be the best mother that I can be. At this moment they can’t reach for their own aspirations, but I can do whatever I can to sanction the growth of an imagination that will take them to all the places they desire.

Fear freezes me, but it won’t coagulate my children’s futures….

~Nina~