A Day of Difference

Today has presented me with a different structure of thought. Someone expressed to me a few days ago, “You are a survivor.” Those words have managed to find their way into my deliberations of the day. One message I conveyed to him on several occasions was that happiness, true happiness comes from within. The table is turned…I have the power to seek my true contentment. I bring to you a piece from my heart. I wrote this poem several months ago and it wasn’t until now that I realized the yearning of strength of survival I sought out back then. The liberation of my writing continues to take me places. I started to read this daily and it provides me with deep inspiration…

Road to Life

Here I am, on this crazy road
The unknown street called life
Sighing as hundreds pass me by
My path carved by this dull knife
I want to speed, to soar and fly high
Dreaming big as my mind a float
Wanting success to survive this maze
In a world that seems so cut throat
In the background the radio plays
I hear this inspirational song
Though totally exhausted inside
It pushes me to remain strong
Never has it been a simple ride
Each curve and unexpected turn
It will not come to me with ease
For this I have come to learn
My aspirations only I can seize
It is my foot pushing on the gas
Changing lanes and facing my fear
I am now taking my turn to pass
Leaving her in the rearview mirror
The girl afraid of the unknown
With a deep breath I can now see
A woman who wants to keep goin’
Gaining confidence for my journey
I look forward to my next mile
For I may carry a large load
Inside I cannot help but smile
It’s my life, I will pave this road
~Nina~

I have dreamed of success. I have prayed for approval. I have wanted to be something that someone could be proud of. What does it matter if I don’t hold it within? Today, today I see that I am a success. I am a woman of great success as I protect the aspirations of my children and myself. I approve of myself as I continue to make decisions with great education. Pride, this one has been of extreme difficult to grasp, but I am here to transmit the satisfaction I know I should hold. I am proud of myself as I continue to inscribe my journey with grace…I am appreciative of the audience captured that continues to support me through this as they login to read my voyage. I deserve this, I deserve to be happy.

Self-actualization…the independence that brings internal success

~Nina~

Alone on a Day for Two

The emotions that surfaced the night he got on one knee, “Will you be my wife?” I was beyond honored and felt desired. That evening had been filled with great romance. I knew I would make him proud; I carried a vision of sweet happiness. Today I wonder how I got here. This day marks our wedding anniversary, our first year anniversary.

I woke up and knew it would be a struggle. Where is he? What is he doing? How is he handling it? I stumbled across my binder where I am compiling a collection of poetry I have written. The words I structured to tell him my emotions, deep emotions of love. As I turned the pages I came cross the one I wrote with the intentions of incorporating with the invitations for our great white affair.

The Joining of Our Hearts

A soft breeze stirs the air
Swirls in with grace the dove
Carrying a symbol so elegant so pure
Encasing our hearts of great love
Happiness shapes the brilliant day
Encompassing the serene of carriage
This warmth each one embraces softly
As they step together into marriage
Joining as one to share this life
Forever they shall walk hand in hand
Him as her husband and she as his wife
~Nina~

This surge of emotion, this cascade of tears…no one will know just how much I invested into him. Giving him my entire being to bring him happiness was my daily aspiration. The reward of his smile enforced that the effort was worth it. This emptiness is a void I doubt will ever be filled.

Our milestone is one we won’t be sharing. The mist of sadness brings a haze to my heart. A day of appreciation is spent feeling a deep pain. What does tomorrow bring…a continued battle of separation. I will place my hand over my heart as I lay my head to rest, I will say a prayer for the soul of my husband. No person should ever live such a profound twinge within. Though separate my love doesn’t sever as he is the man I married, the father of my children. As I look to the heavens I ask to not only bring me strength, but to shower him with the empowerment he needs to prevail.

Love pure…pure fidelity

~Nina~

Exhaustion….Pure Fatigue

Another conversation drained my soul. I can’t help but wonder when a person will set a side the past to make a proper determination of the current and take a different position for the future. I have remained sensitive to the emotion of feeling blindsided due to the notion that was formed by what was viewed prior. I am not blaming for the frustration that initially brought struggle to the concept, but now the picture of my experiences has been made clear. Where does it take my relationship with this individual? I don’t have an answer.

Sickness, this pressing cold is aiding in my exhaustion. The ability to breath is difficult and my head throbs. I told my little girl that she got me sick and her pleasant response was, “Momma, you work with doctors, he will make you better.” While chuckling at her solution, I couldn’t help but kneel down and give her a hug. My sweet daughter, I love you. I am so blessed as she is such a creative child. I adore her as she tilts her head, gives me that innocent grin, and asks for some sort of treat or the desire to watch a movie. How can I say no to such a face! My children are my main focus and that continues to bring me strength, keeping one foot going in front of the other.

I also accomplished a minor feat today. I left feeling a slight weight being lifted from my shoulders. Help, the help I have been searching for was found. The peace I felt today stands close to the tranquility that came to me this past Sunday when I accepted communion. The priest ventured to the room where my boys were. The support I was embraced with as a tear fell while performing the sign of the cross brought light to my heart.

The past few weeks I have spent a large amount of my time praying. One important relationship that I desire to nurture would be my one with God. My dedication to religion hasn’t been of great priority, but there comes a time in one’s life that the only thing that gets one through the day is their faith. The future holds such an unknown and my faith is what brings me to my successful level of function. The saying goes, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” I began to question that, I began to wonder what he sees in me that I don’t. At that point I decided that I would just keep going and placing my fate in his hands. I will embrace the destiny that he has brought forth to me.

Tonight I leave you with this: Believing in yourself will bring you strength, the strength of belief will carry you on, the future you hold is yours to seek, your life is a gift presented each day…overcome yesterday, embrace today, and prevail tomorrow.

Dreams, the motivation of a lifetime…

~Nina~

Damaged…A day of Damage

Unexpected events bring a new level of low. I struggle to even bring the right words together to describe my insides. The behavior of people send extreme hurt to me. The reflected anger in my inability to have brought this forward sooner damages me more. I remain timid and within express that this is why I stayed quiet. I cannot get them to understand what it is and has been to be a victim. Outside looking in the steps and red flags are so apparent. Living this life, I haven’t been able to bring them to the understanding of my full experience.

Challenge, I was challenged with this question, “I want to know, do you take responsibility for anything?” I stepped directly in front of the inquirer and stated, “Everyday I think about it and feel I have failed her as a mother,” while speaking in reference to my daughter. The dynamics she has been presented with are disheartening and the effects brought to her are concerning. I gave birth to my boys and they didn’t ask for this. The children are of pure innocence and they deserve a bright future without the hindrance of witnessed abuse. I don’t want this behavior to be accepted as appropriate to present or accept.

Emotion, the rush of deep emotion began to pour out of my soul. I crouched by the corner of the vehicle as they stayed inside with the kids. Tears…I sobbed of extreme pain. It was there; I ran to my backyard and vomited. I continued until I was so empty that all I did was heave. I began to gag on nothing. Alone, I am so alone. This is why I never came forward. The reactions, the disbelief, the refusal to understand as the picture they had is the assumed they hold onto. Let me ask you, “Do you think that an abuser is often public?” I am here to state, “It is like a dual personality, you live with a demon and hold on to the angel presented in public.” The struggle to pray that it would carry into our home, behind closed doors and realizing that it wouldn’t brought a roller coaster of hope and sadness.

Here I sit, empty. Where does this go? I was threatened and brought extreme shame as he expressed that I embarrassed him. He told me that it was my fault. I tried, God please know that I tried. I believe in family, I made a vow to stay for better for worse. I gave it everything I had. I will have to let go, I have to let go of the shame. I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t deserve this.

Sorry for this good-bye…

~Nina~

Searched Support…Surfaced Surprises

Today has presented itself with lots of thought. A specific engagement that I attended left me pondering the value of life. I only get one shot at this and at anytime it could be my time to go. I don’t have a crystal ball and my wish to know exactly what the future holds is a strong desire. Realizing that the unknown pushes me to live in the here and now, I am given the ability to recognize that I must present my full potential everyday. No regrets, no going back.

Trust has many definitions, but I am going to focus on two.

1. Reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2. Confident expectation of something; hope.

Through experiences including and going beyond the relationship with my husband, I am left with the inability to trust. I relied on the integrity of my husband and it didn’t prevail. I leaned on strength from an individual I believed to finally be standing in my corner, but again it wasn’t there. I banked on the ability of a specific individual to stand up and realize the severity of this and the cheek was turned. I had confidence in the expectation of previous relationships and the hope was shattered. I have found myself here with a resolve that I cannot trust people.

How does one over come this? I have a substantial list of reasons to build this shield from people. I constantly wonder, “Do they know I suffered this life of darkness? Will or are they looking at me differently? Does this make me a person of lowered integrity and less importance?” Shame, I have carried a coat of shame as though it was my fault that he always acted out. If only I could have done something different to make him happy. I altered myself so much that I lost myself…I lost who I was. Now, now I am a victim and I struggle to swallow the ability to recognize that I am a victim of domestic abuse whom seeks survival. Does this change me? It does, it makes me stronger as I have come forth to protect myself and bring the appropriate actions to stop this cycle.

Today I tried to channel an energy into finding some answers to my emotions. Early in this stance to end my daily experience of damaging heartache I was given a name, someone wanted to reach out to me. This person wanted to share their experience, to assure me that I am not alone. Four weeks later I found myself venturing to this person. I introduced myself and explained that I had received their name. I was greeted with a warm smile and open arm as they said, “Yes, that was me.” I asked questions, I answered questions…a spark of trust unfolded. The abuser of this individual was a well known and highly respected individual in the community. People need to realize that domestic abuse is more than a lower class or blue collar class experience. Lawyers abuse, doctors abuse, and anyone at anytime can be subjected to abuse regardless of their economic status.

Understandably a person with my experiences will not and does not trust, but it is difficult to learn how to trust if one doesn’t try. I walked out onto the branch a little bit today, but my hand remained securely on the trunk for stability. Within time and taking the correct avenues, I will be able to bring my fingertip from my heightened self preservation and to another’s hand. I, someday, will be able to trust people and know that they won’t let me fall. Time, the ultimate medication to such a traumatic experience…time will bring forth the ability to trust again.

Don’t rush tomorrow as it holds one building block for the next day…

~Nina~

Empty…Today I feel Empty

Visitors came today. My family, the family that supports me, ventured to see me today. I appreciate each and every one of them. Their efforts to make me feel loved goes beyond what a daughter or grand-daughter could ask for. Thank you…I want to thank you very much!

I woke up from a continued night of disrupted sleep. When will it stop, the nightmares, the restlessness? Exhaustion carries on. I feel empty. No other word can fully describe it better than that. Distance, all day I have put distance between me and the rest of the world. The resistance of crying I constantly had to convey to myself. I wasn’t able to hold up. I broke down and again the emotion poured out of me.

Where does this come from? I don’t even know why today has brought me this hallow feeling. The only expression I have been able to articulate is the love I have for my kids. I brought smiles to their faces and a sparkle to their eyes, but when alone…I feel more than isolation. This journey brings to me a day of sadness that isn’t a direct result of a distressing event. This day just marks a day that will be experienced regardless due to the journey of surviving this.

A memory has clouded my thoughts for the past few days, this memory: I had taken the garbage out a few nights ago and the street light illuminated my skin. I turned my hand over and as my palm faced up the flashback blindsided me. It was the night where I stood out by the street lamp at the end of my driveway. He was very upset and began his cycle of emotional torment.

I constantly felt inside as though I couldn’t do this anymore. I needed to reach out and I dialed a number, the number I used frequently to reach out for help. My husband angrily stated if I involved the party that I would regret it, that I would be divorced by tomorrow. “I can’t do this anymore, the stress is killing me,” I responded. I sent the call through and explained what was going on. This enraged him and he told me that he was going to call in and stay home to torment me. This he did. It was well into the night and I became so frightened that I positioned myself underneath the light by the road. Shaking, I was shaking as I dialed 9-1-1, but froze as I stared at the digits on my phone. He always told me that if I called the police I would regret it. I was too terrified to find out what that meant.

The charade of anger and lack of control brought him to the backyard where the construction of a fire left me concerned. The flames were high and I managed to get myself to the backyard to ask him to please calm the inferno some as I was concerned that the garage would catch on fire. He leaned on the shovel and cycled several times through anger to remorse to asking for forgiveness. I wasn’t feeling good from the parade of intimidation and walked towards the house.

I went inside but was too afraid to lie down in the bedroom. My fear of him left me curled up in the recliner where I could see both entrances to the house. I didn’t want to be off guard and cornered as I wasn’t sure if he had calmed down. When he came in the house I said nothing. He walked to the fridge, grabbed a beer, and came into the living room. After sitting on the couch he scoffed, “Go upstairs, I don’t want to look at you right now.” My heart skipped a beat as I already felt knocked down, “I am just sitting here doing nothing.” He looked at me with those cold eyes of anger, the expression that I fear the most. “I don’t care,” he demanded. As I got up to walk upstairs he asked me to turn around. He continued an aggressive banter towards me. The next thing I remember is him waking me up as I was on my dining room floor. “What the fuck is wrong with you? You just passed out.” Silently I answered within…my body was giving up; I could no longer handle this anymore.

Fear, I have a deeply instilled fear of a man that I love. This fear has caused me many sleepless nights, emotional drainage, and a continued altering of myself to avoid his anger. Dominance, my husband carried emotional dominance over me as he grasped for control. I ponder…the recovery of a physical bruise would heal more efficiently then the emotional damage that he has done. I have nothing left inside. I lack confidence on physical appearance, my cognitive ability, and self worth. Where do I go from here? No one will want me as I have been damaged.

This cascade of tears continues to signify the heartache I have endured. A piece of an email from him, “please try to look past all of the hell and misery that I've caused, past all the heartache and letdowns.” These were words that were constantly expressed to me. Forgiveness, every instance he would recognize the pain, but he lacked the control to maintain the promise he made to me. Loving him, supporting him, and being there every step of the way; it brought his hatred I came to interpret from him…As his wife, I gave him my entire soul and it wasn’t enough. What am I worth?

Please God, fill this shell, bring her back to me…

~Nina~

True Love…Vital Passion

My evening was filled with motherly duties and as I wiped up spilled popsicle I realized, my soul doesn’t have to hinder. Who am I? What brought me here? Where will this take me? Answers, every question asked will have an answer. Maybe it won’t be tonight, or by morning, but in time my every question will be answered.

Romance, the act of sharing one’s emotion with the world, with the one you love. The curtain rises and the opening tune brings rhythm to your essence. Cadence flows to your fingertips as your feet float across the stage. This illustration is life, your life…my life. To be loved, to give love, and to have loved is the cycle of adoration of one’s inner being. Strength is gained by every experience of pride, sadness, courage, and despair.

I bring to you…

Looking to the sky the clouds roll in. As she lifts her arms to the heavens above the droplets of rain cascade down surrounding her with a fresh desire. The dampness brings a spark to her soul. Peering through the mist she gazes over the bluffs. Tipping her chin down, she notices a gentleman behind her as she glances over her shoulder. A flirtatious smirk surfaces the need to dance. Freedom, the amorousness pours from her as she skips through the rain. Splashing puddles and playful banter draws her character to him. The game of hide and seek presents the chase. Cornered and the climax tune hovers as the couple places a foot on the ridge. Guiding his hand to her cheek, her heart begins to race. Stepping forward she brings her hand to his jaw line...

The kiss, tender and sweet…melting of two spirits brings one release. Capturing true love sends vitality from the paradise above. Cultivate the essence and cherish the moment…grab your love and don’t let go.

Everyone deserves true happiness. Everyone is warranted great love. Please, embrace yourself and hold your love close…

The mask suppresses my inner being and dying essence. Love, for me to have loved so deeply brought my great opportunity to bring forth my true character. The answers of who am I, who will I become are deep within. This value of self preservation will protect my nurtured desire…passion for life brings me hope.

Maybe I have found my destiny…I hope you find yours…

~Nina~

Tough Weekend...Exhausted Soul

I am just now getting finished up with tending to sick children and completing a few house chores. This weekend has brought a level of fatigue that has left me drained. I don’t have much more to give yet tonight. I am going to lay my head down, say my daily prayers for all the ones I love, and close my eyes. My goal is to wake rested in the morning. Goodnight to everyone that peeks in here daily and I wish you a peaceful night sleep as well. Tomorrow brings Monday…a new week, a fresh start.

May your dreams enlighten your imagination…

~Nina~

Extreme Emptiness...Plentiful Pain

Today has pressed my mind and my heart to great levels of exhaustion. The boys will be staying another night, but the task of caring for two sick boys has not drained me nearly as much as the rest of my day. Without a doubt the sadness and emotion of the day impedes my faith that I will survive.

I was woken up to a high level of unnecessary stress. My intentions didn’t even manage to get there in time as I didn’t have the chance. The hardship placed great weight to my already filled plate and I had only gotten a small bout of a nap. Phone calls, there were so many today. The question of my actions and the order they were taken again sends heartache to my soul. I have always and continue to assess the situation fully to act with the intention of everyone’s best interest involved. My position and my reasoning is not one taken into great consideration. The foundation that was once created just continues to crumble into a pile of rubble that contains no fitted pieces anymore.

Another conversation left me with a waterfall of tears. After hanging up I sat and stared at my sleeping children. “I don’t want you to suffer,” were words expressed to me. Suffer…pain has and continues to wound my core daily. I suffer nightmares, I suffer from fear, I suffer from love, and I suffer from the pain of a lack of understanding. I suffer thinking that I am doing the right thing, making the right decision only to be knocked out at the knees as another event compiles to my already overweight load upon my shoulders.

I played several events, occasions, and incidents through my mind. I curled up into a ball. Then without hesitation I sobbed with every ounce of me. Tears flooded my vision, my heart, and my mind. Worthless…I feel like I am not worth anything. I have tried so hard, I have worked every avenue. I have given my entire being to him and the surroundings. I have nothing left. My soul deems empty.

Through out the day I would build a surfaced strength to help my boys heal. The cycle of tending to their medical needs and their rest periods brought a pattern of focused energy and breakdowns to my inside. As I exited another, of many, conversations of the day I placed my hands over my face. The moans of sorrow escaped my throat. No, that wasn’t what was supposed to have happend. I didn’t ask for this to happen. Instantly I feel the urge. I ran to the bathroom and began to vomit. The emotion of another unexpected day heaved from my stomach. Exhausted, this all is wearing me down to a minuscule existence.

The length of today stacks up there to one of the longest since this journey pressed play. My stupor is beaten. Watching my boys rest peacefully eases my heart only to pray for tranquility to seek my soul. I haven’t slept much and I’ve eaten nothing. Will the grief consume me? Will it not stop until it has destroyed me? The dream of happiness has escaped me and the goal of facing tomorrow with self dignity dissolves. I will be what my kids need. I provide the strength and structure they desire. Beyond that my emptied heart embraces solitude—my destiny.

Goodnight…Good Luck…

~Nina~

Motherhood Calls for Duty

I am just getting up to the pediatric floor in the hospital. I am only posting a short informational entry. My boys are sick and it has involved a couple of trips to the emergency room. They were admitted and I have been up for over 24 hours now. I apologize as I wasn't able to express my journey. Exhaustion has taken over my body. Tune in later today.

Goodnight...

~Nina~

Everyday Can Hold an Unexpected

There is a woman that has brought continued support to me daily. She has talked, she has listened, and she has embraced me through a time of serious grief. Again today she was holding my hand and guiding me with a difficult day. Unexpectedly this dear friend of mine was faced with a tragedy herself. The call came to her at work; her husband had passed away this afternoon.

The emotion that rushed from her soul brought uncontrollable tears to my eyes. Shock, it froze her entire essence, “What? What are they telling me?” poured through her emotions. A couple of times she looked at me and I knew…I knew what she was trying to tell me. I vowed to return the same dedication, the same support she conveyed to me through my journey. I left her with a network of family and friends as I went to get her children.

While driving I struggled with a range of emotions. I was scared, worried, sick, grief stricken, and more. Strength was what I was seeking so I could be there for her and for her boys. I arrived at the house and knocked at the door. The oldest opened and I had all I could to do from lurching forward to wrap him up with a hug. Can I do this? Can I keep from the eluding of something as wrong? He was surprised to see me, but not. I explained that his mom asked me to pick them up and bring them to town as she was going to be working late. The boys quickly got dressed and we were on our way.

I held my grip on the steering wheel. Steady, I needed to remain steady. The venture back to work was the slowest ride ever. These kids were going to be met with a deep sorrow and I wanted to find a way to shield them from it. The youngest worked on his homework and the oldest checked it for him. A silent tear flowed down my cheek. Pride, this young boy was going to become an extreme support to his younger brother and his mother. He will have to grow up at a rapid rate. The vision of the future left my feeling as though I was swallowing my heart as it had lodged into my throat. I know he can do it and I am so proud of him already.

I did not leave them until I knew they would be ok. Support is what they needed and support is what I wanted them to feel. They all put their coats on and she explained that they had arrangements for the vehicle as well as transportation to a family member’s home. I so badly wanted to enfold her broken heart and take this all a way. I wanted to erase the distress of her already difficult week. Knowing I couldn’t, I did what I could and that was embracing her with love. I will continue to pray and send the support. Please know you and the boys are in my heart.

As I watched them walk down the hall to leave I couldn’t help but tear up. Her arm around them and there they went. The journey of survival together will bring them together and be stronger then ever. Her husband, their father will watch above and send grace to them everyday. His love will convey through and provide them with courage. He will forever fill their hearts.

I ask, please, grab your husband, your wife, your partner, your kids. Grasp your loved ones and hold hands with prayer. This family needs every ounce of faith they can receive. I am petitioning the heavens and recruiting serenity for their souls. Together we can all provide a sense of sanctuary to hover over them through the up coming difficult days. I thank you for taking this moment to log in and view my writing. Please help me give back to a family that has brought bravery to me. Prayers will give them guidance.

Sista…this is for you!

~Nina~

Information Interpretation…Heart Aches

There is no denying it. Today has been a difficult day, a tearful day. A message was relayed to me and it places question in my heart. Then the question about my wedding ring was presented to me. The emotions continually to rush through my veins and today I struggled to maintain composure through out the day.

I was given a book to read which describes the cycle of abuse. This book was acting as a paper weight until recently. It holds explanation about his side with being the aggressor and it describes exactly what I went through as well as what I continue to go through. This writing along with other material I have read expresses the outlook being minuscule as far as living a life of no more abuse. I gather that there isn’t a “cure” that this is going to be a lifetime battle as an alcoholic or other addict would deal with. Time, truly time will only tell.

Reading the material pushes me in the direction of feeling like I need to be making permanent boundaries such as a dissolved marriage. It chips at the continued hope I have had since I began praying for “this” time to be the last time. The communication of continued steps towards a potential recovery pulls at my heart. I buckle and find myself resisting the urge to vomit as this internal struggle surfaces. Is there a chance he can forever live in a healthy manner? Will I spend the rest of my life wondering if he will hurt me again? Can I trust him again as I feel violated on so many levels? Again, as I stated above…time, time will provide answers.

The tears flood my vision as I stare at my ring, the ring he gave to me that continues to occupy my finger. To love, honor, and cherish…. Words I vowed, words I lived by. I will love you for all the days of my life… Words that I will continue to honor. Love is not an emotion that just gets shut off, if it did then these feelings didn’t really exist. I gave my husband my heart; I don’t think I will ever get it back. It is better to have loved and let go then never to have loved at all. I don’t know where my future will go, but I know that I have given this everything I have.

Tomorrow…a pleasant unknown or a feared mystery…

~Nina~

Wandering Mind…Surfaced Emotions

I am not classifying today as a day of struggle or a day of doubt. Today my mind has meandered and this has brought emotions to the surface. Each day is going to bring new feelings or continued emotions, but it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Depending on my approach with handling these emotions will determine if the day is a struggle. Today I am just reaching out. I need to get my feelings out and then the day will be a success.

I constantly fidget with my wedding ring. This isn’t what I pictured my life to be. Marriage is a sacrament that I value with all my heart. Love is the purest of emotion that I have worked for, that I adore. I tried so hard. All I expected from him was the same effort, respect, and decency that I have given. I have consistently given this my all, every ounce of my being and not to receive a fraction of that same effort is disheartening. It saddens me. My first marriage, this marriage…I am left to feel like I don’t deserve to have the serenity of that deep love that two people share. Like my destiny is to just be alone. I always believed my purpose was to fill this world with love and appreciation, to be a passionate wife, and loving mother. Maybe I was wrong, maybe I am just meant to live in solitude.

Many have questioned my journey, the severity of it, and the reality of it. Others wonder why I place my emotions into words that become shared with others. Writing, for me, is more than giving an emotion a visible description. It is a way to communicate with myself, with my heart, and with others. I started the development of this site to have the ability to fully reflect my inside for myself and for others. Some may think that this whole experience is a personal or private matter. To those I say, “I kept it private, I tried to handle it alone. It got to a point where I needed to reach out for help.” I cannot be ashamed that I needed the help, I didn’t do anything wrong. Abuse is something that will progress exponentially and that I have experienced. There is the old saying of, “It takes a village to raise a child,” and I believe it also takes that same village to ‘save’ a child. Myself and my children are that “child.” The darkness experienced, the murky life lived…it is not easy to overcome, to survive.

My goal at this moment is to take this all one day at a time. There have been moments I have had to take this minute by minute. Safety is the most important thing right now. With a continued escalation expressed, I still live in fear. My decisions or lack of decisions seem to be made from my frightened instinct of his response. This, for the record, is not a healthy way to live. I will continue to build a foundation and preserve what self-esteem I have left to nurture the woman I desire to be.

Each day is one more foot placed in front of the other…

~Nina~

Motherhood…A Blessed Gift

Today I am going to switch gears. My continuing rock has been my 3 beautiful children. Becoming a mother was the most blessed moment of my life. Almost, in March, 3 years ago I brought my darling daughter into this world. The twins will be celebrating their first birthdays upcoming in April. Motherhood has been an adventure of triumphs and tribulations. It is an expedition I venture about with great pleasure and appreciation everyday. Becoming a parent isn’t a right, it is a privilege.

Chloe, my oldest, has a vibrant personality. Her wit brings laughter that fills the room. She is a very compassionate little girl. Every morning I hear the patter of two little feet ever so stealthily tip toeing down the stairs. I wait there in the kitchen as she peeks around the corner with an excited salutation, “Good morning Momma!” The twinkle in her eyes just melts my heart.

Kaden, older by one minute, brings pleasant mystery to each day. He is more of my silent but mischievous son. He is going to be the brains of the operation and let his brother take the fall. At the end of the day, he smiles big and puts his tiny hand on my cheek as to say, “I love you Mommy.” His smirk sends warmth through my veins.

Connor, technically my youngest, is adventurous to say the least. My dear son pushes the limits and will no doubt bring trouble just to spice things up. His giggle just lifts the spirits high. Though he plays hard and picks at his brother, he will settle into my arms and snuggle in under my chin so to say, “Good night Mommy.” The site of playful banter leaves me to chuckle.

My goal as a parent has been to raise my kids to be adaptable. I have hopes that they will trust that I, as their Mom, have vowed to do whatever I can in my power to bring them great opportunity. The connection I have with my children is unbelievable and roots deep. One day I left them with the sitter and watched all 3 of them dive into the activity without fuss for me to stay. There I was patting myself on the back as my goal was met. A single tear fell from my eye and it was not of sadness, but of pride in myself as a mother. That same day I knelt down to give Chloe a hug goodbye and she said, “Momma, I am so proud of you,” as if she was answering any doubt I may have in myself.

They will grow to be brilliant. They will aspire and do great things. I will proudly proclaim my satisfaction for each and every one of them. I will guide them and present them with the resources they need to follow through with their own dreams.

Each day I dedicate myself, my strength to my kids. The continued fight for survival is for them. They need a healthy environment to grow, develop, and foster their own personalities. There is not one day that goes by and my kids don’t know that I love them. Daily they express the appreciation of having Mom bring the warmth of a hug, wrapping them with courage to seek the quest of their own life.

My blessed trio…striving for your success

~Nina~

Valentine’s Day…The day of Love

Today, February 14th, is a day that I have always looked forward to every year. This year was the first time that I have prayed the date would fall off the calendar. A majority of the afternoon I peered out the window and wondered my purpose today. Sadness found my heart and a tear flowed for my lonely soul.

Love is defined as, a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. I had an opportunity to have an adult adventure this weekend. While embracing my mini vacation, I was surrounded by many couples celebrating the weekend in honor of their deep connections to one another. My side has been empty. The pride of men escorting their partners left me wondering what it is to be shown off. Dancing, the movement of two bodies interlacing to the music formed a tear. Holding hands, innocent affection shared by couples of all ages. The romance of it all left my essence poignant as I didn’t have anyone to share this day with.

Solitude on a day that is intended for the sharing of this delicate emotion of love between two people has been difficult. Love is a characteristic that weighs heavy on my personality. Hopeless romance is a desired aspiration daily. I thrive on surfacing this emotion for the one I love. Fidgeting with my wedding ring sends sorrow down my spine. The root of grief encases my heart. My hope is that my love can survive today leaving me with the ability to love tomorrow.

Love…I hope you all experience the pureness today…

~Nina~

Ignorance or Dominance

Sleeping has been a struggle. Nutrition has been a struggle. People have been a struggle. Each day I wake up and pray for a better day. As the morning progressed, I was left to believe that today was going to be my brighter day.

Things were going well. I managed to run some errands and achieve some of my goals for the house. The feat of physical tasks brings inner strength to my spirits each day. My self worth has lifted slightly above the red line. As I was alone today I took a few extra minutes for myself. While in the shower I allowed the hot water to trickle on my neck. The stress of this whole situation is presenting tightness in my body. The soothing warmth rooted right into the cold, dark pain I have been suffering from daily.

I hopped out of the shower and smoothed lotion onto my legs. The discomfort of tension in my life left me wanting to itch like having dry skin. Softness, my personality of presenting care and compassion marks my soul. I turned the radio on and danced through the house. Free, my whole being was pouring from my body. The need to move, the body language of happiness escaped. Euphoric power was bringing an elated pleasure, emotions I have been searching for.

Understanding this as a process and that the journey is much like a roller coaster. Comfort levels, extreme drops, upside down bouts, and abrupt turns can lead both joy and sadness. Going about my day in a very positive manner, I get the feeling of my stomach dropping to my knees as I receive an email that disturbs me.

Ignorance or dominance, which are they trying to hold over me. The pushing must stop. I have maintained a pleasant cooperation. I have brought efforts that I shouldn’t have to. I will say, “No more.” People may not like it, but the request is ridiculous. I was not the abuser, I was not the aggressor. Why the treatment as if I destroyed him? Does anyone have a clue what I have experienced? The disturbance to my personal growth and development has halted aspirations I desire to achieve. I didn’t hinder, I promoted self-worth and tried to provide guidance to his desired achievements.

The past few days have surfaced a determination in me that I didn’t know existed. I am going to stand up and hold ground. I don’t deserve to be treated like this. I am not going to allow my presence to be bullied any longer. I will again present myself with cooperation, but compromising is the art of meeting in the middle. The other side will have to give too, if not they will have to nurture their own needs and except that the ability to manipulate me no longer exists.

Believing in me…standing up for me…

~Nina~

Determination…Strength

Hmm…today has definitely brought an emotion I haven’t been acquainted with since the beginning of this journey. Frustration, not anger, a heavy frustration. The past few days has brought me to this front of, “Enough is Enough.” I am beginning to feel cornered and pressured…my reaction you may wonder? My stance is, “No More.” I feel this inner strength coming forward and placing my foot down.

A conversation or two through the proper channels has brought my insides to bring forth an obverse of protection. I am being thrown suggestions, hope, and desired outcomes, but I am making decisions with education and the outside factors supply the facts of contradicting behavior. This is placing weight into my caution side, my awareness. I will not allow the opportunity to come forth for a repeated danger and I won’t allow one foot to get in the door. My life will continue no doubt. Will it continue with him? Will it continue alone? My answer is, it will continue without domestic abuse, without emotional abuse, and without verbal abuse. My life will continue with a fostered happiness. I didn’t deserve this, I deserve better.

Control, by definition is: to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command. No more will he exercise restraint to dissolve my personality. No more will he provide direction over my desired ambitions of who I want to be. No more will he dominate my existence in this world. No more will he command a behavior with the reinforcement of fear. I declare that today I take the reigns. I make the decisions for me. I am going to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command in the direction of my life.

Each day I strive to make someone smile. Each day my goal is to help someone when I can. Each day I maintain providing my full potential. I am going to turn and look in the mirror. Today I made myself smile, I helped myself, and exceeded my potential. I am a good person, I am a strong woman!

Fortitude, my mindset is guided by courage…

~Nina~

Goodnight…To each of You

I did not sleep at all last night. I am suffering from extreme uneasiness during the night time hours. I have an enlightening essence within my home tonight that leaves me with a sense of better security. I am hoping for at least an ounce of sleep this evening. I am not going to be able to share my journey of today, but I will be back tomorrow. Early engagements leave me grasping the desire to rest my mind. Please, thank you to everyone who has logged in tonight. I invite you back tomorrow on a clear update with me.

Goodnight…

~Nina~

Gut Wrenching Fear

At what point does one give up and stop greeting the sunshine of a new day? I am not sure, but that point is really close. Today, I have no words that can describe the fear I hold at this very moment. I have no revelation today. I have raw emotion and unsure where to channel it.

The events of today have brought me to the fighting this urge to puke. I have people telling me that I am strong. Am I? Can I survive this? I brought the strength my kids needed to the outside. After I put my boys down to sleep, I looked at my darling girl and began to cry. Shaking, I was trembling with fear of today’s outcome and the unknown of tomorrow. My blessed child crawled into my lap, wiped my cheek, and whispered, “Don’t cry Momma, I miss you, I love you.” Without hesitation I wrapped my arms around her and vowed deep in my heart to protect her from this all. She deserves to grow up with the true expectation of happiness.

Feeling desolate I took extra time for each one of my children tonight. I rocked them; I prayed for them and I promised within to do the right thing...to protect them. I am giving them the power to grow up and not foster improper ideas of mannerisms. Witnessed abuse can trail into a learned behavior. I am empowering them…my kids are going to have a bright future! I will do what I can to ensure they have the tools, the resources to grow with compassion in the heart and values in the mind.

At first tonight I struggled to mold my words into a statue of the true reflection of my inside. I, two paragraphs ago, didn’t know where to channel the rush of this emotion. I now realized that I found an avenue to direct my focus—my kids. I am a mother. I will be the best mother that I can be. At this moment they can’t reach for their own aspirations, but I can do whatever I can to sanction the growth of an imagination that will take them to all the places they desire.

Fear freezes me, but it won’t coagulate my children’s futures….

~Nina~

Tough Days…Powerful Days

The day ventured down a difficult path. Again, I had the unfortunate opportunity of being on the other end of a conversation that wasn’t supportive. My goal to get through these is just to maintain cooperation, stand with proper posture, and breathe calmness. What point would it serve to be angry with these people? I try to see all perspectives, I try to be sensitive to other's interpretations, I try to be the best person and mother I can be. Values, my values serve a greater purpose. I will not lash out or reflect anger, but I will not hold another conversation with these individuals.

Tears, the physical sign of many emotions, seem to be my closest liberation right now. I will walk by something and feel a presence tap my shoulder. I look up to see my husband’s ball cap in the closet. A tear will roll down my cheek as I miss him. I stand at the stairs and remember the night when he wouldn’t move so I could walk by. A tear slides down my face as I fear him. I will reread letters written and replay words of sorrow expressed. A waterfall of tears will flood my vision as I continue to hope. I tuck the kids in at night and the boys smile with a twinkle in their eyes while my daughter squeezes tight as she whispers, “I love you so much Momma.” A stream of tears moistens my face as I cherish my children. Emotions, all different emotions I have occurrences with daily.

I feel lost right now, I feel exhausted. I know these days serve a purpose, but I want to sigh while asking, “Why today? What lesson am I learning today?” Today, I am just a student with the lesson of learning that I will have to accept this as a journey, as a process. I am an apprentice of life and this is a necessary part of moving forward. Does it make days like today less tearful? Nope. Does it bring a half an ounce of understanding that this is normal? Nope. Does it bring the knowledge of knowing that tomorrow is a blank canvas awaiting the colors of my essence to paint the expressions of this journey? Yep. Good or bad…joyful or painful, I will grasp this journey and take away from it what I can.

I close no doors, I end no chapters. I just keep stepping forward and flipping pages…

~Nina~

Yesterday…A Dream

Yesterday was a difficult day. A chain of events, a series of phone calls all pressed my emotions again. How do I go from a swing in the positive direction to this gut wrenching emotion again? It is part of the process. All one can do is embrace the sunshine while it is present and push through the darkness to seek it again.

A dream, yesterday I had a dream. In this dream I saw my husband. I was walking along and heard a tap. As I turned in the direction of the noise, a gust of wind swirled up from my feet circling snow all around my body. It was as if I was in a snow globe. I didn’t see anything so I turned to continue my journey. Again, the tapping noise filled the air. This time as I turned, I noticed a veil of lacy fabric lift. There he was--my husband.

My heart broke as I saw the sadness in his eyes. I was halted, my whole being stopped in mid stride as I watched him point to his eyes, cross his hands over his heart, and then point to me. The message of “I Love You” was being relayed. Without hesitation I too pointed to my eyes, crossed my hands over my heart, and pointed back to him. The tears flow down my cheeks, “I Love You” too. I blew him a kiss and then he was gone…

Heartache, the pain woke me up abruptly. I touched the back of my hand to my face…moisture. I cried, I even continue to cry in my sleep. This vision left me wondering, “Where is he? What is he doing?” I ventured over to the picture of us and gave it a hug. Love is a divine emotion of both an elated happiness and a saddened pain. The experience of both will either destroy me or allow a great sheath of passion to wrap my soul.

Yesterday was a struggle, today…awaits me

~Nina~

My apologies to you…I am very Sorry

I will not be writing this evening. The whirlwind of emotion leaves my mind unable to process anything other that the ability to feel this raw sense of sadness that I have today. I will be back tomorrow….

Goodnight…

~Nina~

A day of Solitude...No a day of Peace

Though up late last night, I did find myself reaching a deeper level of sleep for the first time. Bizarre dreams captivated my mind, but imagination is the key to one's youth. The morning did indeed come quick, but I felt rested for the first time in months.

A few days ago I experienced a day of obscurity, bringing me to close the blinds. Today I sauntered over to the windows; I took a deep breath and then vowed to break that desire to hide. Nurturing a positive essence will bring a constructive atmosphere for me and my children. We are here to live this blessed gift of life. Every experience necessary…they are the building blocks to whom one desires to be. Moving forward while taking a piece of each day will allow me to embark and breathe a fully engaged existence.

Today surfaced a first for me. I had brought the house to a full recovery and the kids were satisfied. I found myself with my hands on my hips pondering, “What can I do? I feel the need to be doing something.” Misplaced, a new type of lost I sensed today. My life has been such a whirlwind of task after task having to be done with urgency and now here I was faced with all the current responsibilities competed. I sat down and this stillness didn’t last long. My beloved brood had all closed their eyes for a snooze leaving me surrounded by silence. The loneliness wasn’t a negative; it ventured my mind to search for something to do for me.

I am always the last person on my priority list. My needs fell below my husband’s, my children’s, my responsibilities, and all other additional liabilities. No more! My needs are going to hold hands with my kids’ needs. Goals, that’s right, my personal desires were structured into objectives for myself today. I am seeking to return to a proper nutrition as I haven’t eaten much in the last 2 weeks. Movement, I found a training regimen that will suit perfectly for my next aspired feat. Inscribing my dream onto the pages of my planner was the most powerful move of the day. August 8, 2010 I will be running a half marathon and this achievement is for me—for my inner vigor.

Seeking a balance to attain all the things I am required to maintain while progressing to the finish line of my own ambitions will allow the vitality my soul yearns. I visualize the lacing of my running shoes and racing my personal challenges that have suppressed my true identity. I know, in my heart, that I will win that pursuit…I will rise above. Each day will bring different levels of question to my integrity but at the end of the day, I will prevail.

Bottom-line: this solitude isn’t trepidation; it is a peace that soothes thy soul. I am going to grasp it and recognize the ability to focus on the woman—this woman whom dreams high.

Reach for the stars, they are only an arm’s length away…

~Nina~

No Expectation…Unexpected Outcome

I found myself going through the motions this morning. The journey thus far had been above challenging which left me to expect nothing less today. After another restless night I gathered all of my children as they woke one by one. The normal parade of breakfast, bathing, dressing, and entertaining led to the kids smiling with security and me with my determination to plug away on the house some more. Eventually this house will be clean, just as my soul will one day feel revived. Who knows when or how long this goal will take to be reached.

My sweet darlings had put their heads down to rest and I bundled up to head outside. The driveway had been neglected from the day before as I didn’t have the opportunity to conduct snow removal. It had begun to come down again this morning. I had to shovel; there is no one to do it for me.

As I began to push the slight accumulation I had a revelation. If one leaves the snow and disregards the opportunity to sweep the downfall from the pavement, then the possibility of a packed crust can crystallize the surface. An uncared for driveway leaves its fate subjected to the elements. It will become hard, slick, and iced over leading into a concern of uncertainty. Though the frozen precipitation left a trivial amount on my responsible ground, I was going to take the time to foster proper care. The correlation to a saddened heart is the same.

If I don’t take the opportunity to facilitate a grievance each day then my heart has the opportunity to become an uneven, hardened block of ice. Waking today and assuming it will hold the same outcome as yesterday has left me surrendering faith. As I hit a solid chunk of ice on my driveway, I knew what I needed to do. I needed to reach deep within and continue to fight for a happiness I once forfeited.

Hard work and determination will allow me to battle the urge of giving up. I was presented with a gift of two bracelets today. The box of one read “Empowerment Bracelet,” the other “Speak Out Against Domestic Violence Bracelet.” I didn’t want to embrace the emotion of opening this gift at first, but later I went back and found myself receiving the courage that was intended by the generous soul that gave them to me. Thank you is not enough, but all I have to offer this individual at this moment.

I did have visitors today. The support that filled the house as they entered my front door encased my heart. When each person left I felt this invisible warmth wrap over me, protection of family even with miles separating us remains powerful. With this and my day taking a stroll down a positive lane, I accepted a dinner invitation. Again, the experience was empowering. Freedom, conversation, the sharing of precious moments brought me great appreciation for everyone who sends support. When asked, “Has it been a better day?” I was able to respond confidently with, “Yes.” Yes, the day I had been praying for, the day I lost faith in…it is this day that brought me a new vault of strength.

Thank you to all that have brought this day to me. You all are amazing people! I know now that each day has the potential to be a struggle as this journey will not be easy, but that same day also has the potential of being an enlightening day as today was. I placed both bracelets upon my wrist before writing tonight and already they have created an essence of endurance for this whole experience to come.

The uncertainty doesn’t need to be feared, it needs to be lived…

~Nina~

Alone Before…Alone After

The late evening of yesterday left me praying for a better tomorrow. I woke up several times through out the night. The words of sadness, the emotion I was forced to endure left me restless. The alarm went off as I was gazing at the ceiling, “Please God, I need some sort of hope. Can this be the day of a lighter preponderant?” I have been waiting for the glimmer of ease in sensation. Could this be the day I find it?

I had decided not to let last night trump the vitality of having my drapes open. Natural light was lifting the spirits. My morning proceeded with giggling babies and a thriving toddler. The kids are showing signs of a more relaxed nature. Positive, here is a sign of the positive I had just prayed for. Nodding at the progress I was making with the house I heard my phone ring. It was notification of a list of desired personal property for my husband.

My precious angels were napping while I searched the house for everything listed. I did my best, but was unable to locate a couple of the items. As I gathered the belongings into bags and boxes a lump grew in my throat. The exchange of the stuff, my husband’s stuff, began to bring anxiety. My heart raced, but I have maintained presenting myself in a calm and cooperative manner. After all I am not here to hinder or shroud any animosity towards the individual whom was completing this transaction on behalf of my husband.

I was met with a flat affect and an abrasive tone while stating to me, “I trust no one.” I lost control of my inside and the tears streamed down my face. I turned and walked away. After taking the kids to the sitter I returned home. As soon as I entered my house I walked over to the blinds to shut each and every one of them. Darkness, it swamped my heart. The sobs of failure, doubt, fear, and more escaped from my throat. This whole process is what leaves the recipient of a terrible aggression in solitude. I curled into a ball and just heaved with struggle. At this very moment I wanted to just give up…to give in. The loneliness I had undergone is what kept me from stepping forward. That same loneliness was continuing to haunt me now.

Relief, I am convinced it doesn’t exist. I cried for 40 minutes. My hair was a mess, I had no make-up on, my eyes red, and I was wearing a ratted up sweatshirt with jeans. My outside reflected my inside. I didn’t care; I was surrendering to the depression that was pressing my heart.

Ten minutes before I had to be to work I wiped my dampened face, “No, you can’t allow the demon of within to win.” I found an ounce, last ounce I had of strength for the day and put myself together. Though my blinds were drawn shut and will remain closed, I picked my chin up. As I walked outside I knew at least the world would see a perceived strength of courage.

Inside remains tore up. Am I back to square one? I don’t know. The stress of living that life was killing me and the stress of surviving is doing me in as well. The hiding of me is a reflex coping method. My whole day I have avoided the net of support that has reached out thus far. Giving up is the internal struggle I have held for hours. It doesn’t appear that any light will be peeking through any time soon. This process is going to be slow and painful. All I want is one day…one day of lessened strife, lessened stress. Today was not my day.

Just Keep Praying…

~Nina~

A new Day…A disheartening Day

Today was the first time I opened the blinds. After pulling the first one open I saw a light cascade into my living room. Then I made my way to the final shade, I pulled the string with inner strength. The luminance signified my soul, my internal peace. For so long I have been in the dark, hiding the truth. Crossing my arms I peered outside with confidence to myself as a woman with empowerment of bringing forth her providence.

To feel a slight lift of weight from the difficult emotion united to this situation, I was able to carry with proper posture. The achievement was short lived. I had a conversation that I didn’t see coming. An important person in my life, a support I assumed, expressed discomfiture to the outcome thus far. I was blindsided to the idea that I trusted and believed only to be devastated at the current reaction. At what point does a person let go of a tie that causes so much pain? Perspective will give someone insight to a situation, but until it is experienced one will not fully understand. I am confounded by the conversations carried today.

When asked to be silenced of my journey, I was thwarted. Domestic violence is something that is lived in concealment everyday. People don’t confront the behavior of their aggressor because of the reaction listed above. The empowerment was taken from me. I cannot even be recognized as strong, as brave. This type of home takes place more than the public is aware of. It goes beyond just walking away. If it was that simple, the solution would be chosen more often. If I give in, if I stop expressing…my surviving this diminishes. I have lived the ashamed emotion; it is what kept my voice mute. Pretending doesn’t solve this, exposure isn’t a punishment--it is acceptance.

Though extremely difficult I will have to separate myself from the part of society that believes in a continued silence as appropriate. I am responsible for my emotion. I cannot control others’ reactions. Interpretation is in the hands of the receiver, and knowledge is power. All I can do is hope I have clearly expressed my position, my intentions. This isn’t about sides…this isn’t about vengeance. I am seeking the grace of surviving a deep love and the balance of safety from a prospected progression in violence by the discernment of a witnessed pattern of behavior. My sharing will bring awareness to others. It will aid in a healing that I need to embrace. Pride means nothing unless it is held for oneself.

Appreciation is greatly honored to the individuals whom send support, Thank You…An appreciation is also acknowledged for any individuals that may not…It reminds me that a security and belief isn’t reached from the outside, it is achieved from within!

Tomorrow awaits me…

~Nina~

Divine Strength...Surreal Challenges

The sun came up, but I had already been awake well before. I laid there in bed and watched my precious daughter sleep. Surreal, that is how this journey has been. Never did I ever picture myself on a day where I needed to put myself together to appear in court.

While I moseyed downstairs to get ready I looked out side. I stood at the landing of my stairway and peered out the window. The absence of the black little SUV sure added to my already black hole. What is he doing? Where is he right now? These are just a few of the questions that I want the answers to, but unsure if I truly need the answers. After taking a shower I put on a nice outfit. While looking in the mirror I fought back tears as I tried applying my make-up. My hair twisted up in a sophisticated up-do and there I was--the wife…a victim. The goal was to present a woman of strength and determination to instill protection from the disheartening life she had been living. I wanted to avoid giving him the power of seeing the train wreck of my insides, the doubt.

I walked into the court room and faced forward. “I can do this,” I recited over and over. As I took my place at the table before the Judge, my heart lurched up into my throat. I glimpsed at him and sorrow flooded my heart. Fear of his rebuttal paralyzed me for a second. “Can I do this?” was the question that crowded my thoughts. I told a few pieces of my story and there it was--victory. The Domestic Violence Restraining Order was put into place. I thought there would be relief, but there wasn’t. It was a heavy weight in my stomach as I resisted the urge to vomit. This meant that my story was now public and even more, I was truly being recognized as a victim of domestic abuse. I cried as I waited for the Judge to bring me a copy of the order that would be separating my husband from the opportunity to hurt me anymore.

Walking out deemed a struggle. His face was buried in his hands. Was it shame? Maybe it is best that I don’t know. I no more than sat down to take a few deep breaths and it rushed out of me. I ran to the bathroom and without hesitation the emotion heaved out of me. I crouched in front of the toilet and gagged on nothing, I hadn’t been able to eat this morning. I collected myself enough to stand up. Leaving the stall in which I flushed the reigns he had on me and there she was…my mom. I looked in the mirror and the tears flowed. She wasn’t sure what to say, nor was I able to even speak myself. She saw the pain I had been living; she heard a few pieces of my diminished existence during this relationship. I always tried to protect her from the truth, but no longer is my life silent.

Driving this afternoon allowed me to reflect upon the day’s events. Taking in the reality of him not denying past violence and grasping the odds of where my future will go was unreal. My gut, my instinct is influencing my soul to prepare for the ending of my marriage. The realism of him not holding resentment towards me is slight. This was a conclusion I was going to have to arrange myself to venture. Now I will have to accept the process and nurture my essence.

Not the end…just a new chapter…

~Nina~

Doubting leads to Questions….Answers leads to Affirmation

Today has been a difficult day. I was hoping that I would wake up and have this surge of power and confidence. I am learning that just as Rome wasn’t built in a day, neither will my buoyancy. Several times I have stopped in my tracks and wondered, “Is this just a dream?” Then the twins pull on my pant’s leg and Chloe brings me a movie to put in. No, there is no waking up and life just being different. I have a journey to experience, I have pavement to place towards a better future.

Tomorrow brings anxiety as my heart races just at the thought of appearing in court. My appetite poor and stress melting weight, I continue to feel this urge to vomit. Nervousness is an understatement. Tears well until my vision is blurry while reciting my concern to the judge in my head. I have become terrified of a man I love deeply.

I began to question myself, “Am I doing the right thing?” As I begin to surface repressed experiences, the answer is yes. Still, to this day, my heart beats out of control and the fear freezes my body as I remember the day that he demonstrated an act of abuse towards a past relationship. I will never forget how he placed his hands upon me and his right knee on my chest and simulated the jumping on that person’s upper body. I cower as I relive the night of August 21, 2008. He charged at me and ripped a cigarette out of my mouth, then proceeded to tear the entire pack into shreds. He stood above me as I curled into a ball and sobbed with fear. He screamed, “There now what are you going to do?” I remember the degraded feeling I had when he spit on me. I responded to his disgusting behavior with, “You don’t deserve what you have.” He doesn’t deserve me.

With the cycle of domestic violence the aggressor has a cycle as well as the victim. Constantly I am struggling with maintaining my position and not getting sucked into my “faith phase.” This is where I believe he has opened his eyes and will begin to follow through on his once empty promises of breaking the disturbing pattern. Multiple times I have put myself back together and decided, “Ok, one more shot…one more chance.” What are the odds? I consistently hear that the chance of a full recovery without slipping back is slim. An outsider can without a doubt recognize this. While carrying an intimate roll in the situation as his partner I may see that it is 99 to 1, but I have that one.

Where do I go from here? Endurance to focus on the reason I am here will keep the insight up front. This apprehension wasn’t developed over night; it wasn’t formed by one incident. Embracing my fear and realizing that I don’t deserve this will pull me through. Upholding the approach of taking it one day a time will allow each inquiry of my personal strength to be an elated achievement.

I can do this…I can survive!

Goodnight….

~Nina~

The First Day of the Rest of My Life

Eight days ago this journey began. Light was brought to my life of secrecy as I reached out for help. I had been living in a home with domestic abuse and on Monday, January 25, 2010 I placed boundaries to protect my children’s lives and my life.

Everyday I woke up and wondered, “How did I get here? How did it get this far?” I spent days committing to this life to allow my ability to intervene and protect the kids. My fear of being alone and the uncertainty of surviving paralyzed my soul. Believing the apologies and promises built into the continued faith I have for his desired change. It was suppose to be different, he pledged to a new life. I come to realize that regardless of the margins I put in place on my own, his judgment became impaired while angry. He continued to challenge and push until the boundaries were crossed yet again.

The point came where I needed to separate my head from my heart. It doesn’t matter how much I love him or the emotion have I invested into this. I can only control what I can control—myself. I needed to take action and remove myself as well as my children from the situation that was damaging. No longer could I allow this to happen to us. My decisions were made for the emotional well-being of my kids. The bottom line remains: they do not deserve to grow in an atmosphere where there is no sunshine for them to develop and mature. Their existence is of pure innocence.

Does it make this easy? No! I thought each day was supposed to get easier. I have found that each day actually brings new trials and tests. It seemed to get harder and my perceived strength was continually being tested. My internal turmoil was and is tearing me apart, but my beautiful children need the empowerment of a composed mother. Identifying a balance allowed me to foster each and every emotion I was experiencing as well facilitating the ability to bring tranquility as I embraced the process.

At this very moment I try to acknowledge my current emotion. This is not a sentiment I am familiar with. Lost, I feel as though I am in an empty room. I love him; he is my husband, the father of my kids. I want to trust, yet have a hovering apprehension. Tomorrow holds this uncertainty that I am forced to explore. Preserving my determined inner spirit will nurture my ability to triumph!

Until tomorrow....

~Nina~