Liberation…Confidence

Freedom is a part of our nation. I live in this land, amongst the free. I think about this daily and wonder... Why within a country of opportunities did I feel chained to the prison of my own home? Why was my liberty taken from me? The terroristic emotions of domestic abuse can consume your entire being causing one’s defeated essence to give up. As a little girl I remember standing with my shoulders turned toward the flag ready to recite the Pledge of Allegiance before class started each morning. As an innocent child, I would place my hand over my heart and pledge with pride. Today, as a survivor, I have stumbled across a new declaration…

I Pledge Allegiance

To all the things that are good about me…
And I will, from this day forward,

No longer try to be everything to everybody.
Nor will I be someone I’m not.
I will no longer use all my energies to fulfill the dreams of others while mine go unattended.
I will use my assertive right to take charge of my life.
I will never again know guilt, for this pain is self chosen.
I will fight the manipulators and their ploys by standing up for myself and my ideals.
I will insist on being treated with dignity, and demand goodness in my life.
I will speak the truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others.
I will be the judge of my behavior, thoughts, and emotions – and I will be responsible for them.
I will always challenge put-downs.
I will destroy negative thoughts and fears of rejections.
I will not distress myself with imaginings.
I will be gentle with myself and strive to be happy.
I will live positively – And I will begin now.

~Author Unknown~

Closing my eyes I can see the words of this pronouncement. As I breathe, calmness flows through my veins. Exhaling softly brings the visual white cloud of serenity. My chin is up, my self-awareness peaked. Daily, these words will become apart of my everyday routine. My flag will be the pictures of my children on my living room wall. I will fold both hands over my heart and invest the positive energy into myself. I am worth it, my soul; my heart…the compassion is priceless.

I am honestly grateful for every sunrise, each smile from my children, the constant challenge, and incurring triumphs. I have come to a place in my life where dreams are becoming realities. Accomplishing goals are now a hobby and holding my head high has become a part of my natural posture. I am a woman, a part of the perceived weaker sex, but I am a woman of great achievement. I am a woman with the aspiration to inspire our society. I am a woman with knowledge and the drive to educate others.

There is nothing I can’t do…

~Nina~

Gifts from Above…Cherished Hearts

Some days I wonder just exactly who is in my corner or who sits on the fence. I have lonely days and I have days I feel surrounded by encouragement. My level of security with people fluctuates, but this is a learning curve for me. Each day presents new experiences that compile into my ‘general’ interpretation of this world.

My vehicle has been an issue for a while. One, I was afraid to take it in for the expense wouldn’t be something I could afford. Two, I have no clue what to do with the mechanics of a vehicle. I have limited knowledge and this new aspect of things to manage honestly intimidated me. Finally I got to the point where I didn’t feel the contraption was safe. I turned to a friend and her husband whom both have surfaced a support from day one.

Grateful I am that these people have reached out to me and my children. It was almost like a home away from home. Their smiles are inviting, their house is warm and love filled. I cherish all that they have done and feel my gratitude simply isn’t enough. Giving back is always my highest priority when I am met with such generosity. Again, tonight was just another self-less act of helping a young woman in need of a little assistance.

To give you an idea of how much this couple has helped me I will give you a handful of examples. They lent a hand in watching the kids when I first struggled with daycare coverage, but working was essential. They took the kids several times without hesitation. Another time I was very sick myself and she offered to take the kids so I could sleep with the goal of rest needed to overcome my illness. One other occasion included taking the kids for a couple of hours while I worked on a school project. A tear of appreciation rolls down my face as I stare at my car keys. Tonight he put my vehicle in a safer manner of operation.

Thank you very much to you both. You are a part of my closest support group and I very much appreciate your kind hearts. Admiration I have, a dear respect for who you are. Please never forget us, the kids and me, we have always and will continue to reflect the thankfulness we hold in our hearts.

Appreciation forecasted…Love precipitated

~Nina~

The Week Must Start Somewhere

Monday, upon rising I had the determination of bringing endurance for my week. About half way through I started to feel the weight of my loaded list of things to be done while the minutes rolled by at an alarming rate. Now collecting myself I put some phrases together to present a reflection of my inside. Please enjoy this poem…

Soft Rain of the Internal Storm

Clouds billow of passionate emotion
Peaceful love cascades upon her face
Deep romance flowing from the soul
Heart beats of this heated eternal race

Tender touch sends desire through
Fantasy of her embracing craze
Leaving her this venture embarked
Surviving the life as a endless maze

Unknown paths lead to the mystery
Resisting the urge, desired risk taken
Her essence of inviting softness
Closing it would have been mistaken

The morning sunrise brings freshness
Eyes closed, she inhales calmness deep
Confidence approaches with strong posture
Hand over her heart, protecting, pride to keep
Droplets of happiness penetrate to seep

~Nina~

Tomorrow will carry new challenges with a clean slate. The drawing canvas holds an unlimited surface to paint my essence. Lessons await my desire for increased knowledge.

Goodnight…God Bless

~Nina~

Forgiveness…Moving Forward

There was discussion today on forgiveness. The idea was brought up and I began to wonder. What is forgiveness? What does it mean to me? Do I forgive him or can I forgive him? When dealing with a relationship, our relationship as it was abusive…the past facts, memories, and fear can present this cloud of haunt with the question of within.

To forgive him, in my eyes, would to accept who he is, what he has done, and find the inner peace for myself. I cannot look for him to perform in a manner that gets me to the point of forgiveness. I say this because forgiving him doesn’t erase what he has done to me. He abused me, he hurt me, he demeaned me…he took a part of my life from me.

I have a quote I want to share…

“Forgiveness allows us to let go of the pain in the memory and if we let go of the pain in the memory we can have the memory but it does not control us. When memory controls us we are then the puppets of the past.” ~Alexandra Asseily~

Question, this presents question for me and where I am at. Am I a puppet yet? I feel very in control of my life, of my destination, but the emotions of the hurt that was placed upon me still do creep in from the corner every now and then. I still silently ask, “Why,” but the episode of lapsed emotion is very short now. It doesn’t impact my day, it doesn’t re-route my efforts. I see it for what it is and move forward.

Knowing what I want out of my life is powerful. Before I searched for a purpose, I searched for what I could change within myself to make him happy. No more, I am here for me and my happiness! I know what I want and I am working towards that. I know that I can forgive him and I will, but right now I am not sure I am totally there. Allowing myself the proper channel of time will continue this heal.

I want to leave you with one last quote…

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” ~Lewis B. Smedes~

~Nina~

Taken by Surprise

Communication is something I have always prided myself on. I feel fairly confident that my skills are adequate to express my emotions as well as present myself to be approachable. I do have trust issues with people, but those are for closer relationships that I may or could have with people. On the outside, I give everyone a fair chance and invite conversation.

Today I was faced with something that I was not expecting. I feel betrayed and very much hurt. As I pick up on all the subtle actions my insight to a situation is spot on before others realize it. I work very hard for everything I have and for the future. The load of responsibilities weighs heavily, but I feel my fight to maintain my carry of it vs. the dropping of it has been respectable. Confusion seeps in as I never would have expected this.

The information surfaced did strike home. I was hurt and my pain shed as the tears rolled down my cheeks. With the blindsiding emotion my stature wobbled with the uneasiness of a slowing top. I shut down and the skills I carry in communication were boarded up as I refuse to address the situation. Does it make it right? Probably not. Does it make it easy? Absolutely not. Will it change my demeanor in this aspect of my life? For sure it won’t! I will just express certain things with a different light. Life is a classroom full of opportunities to experience highs and lows. The lessons are the learning of how to interpret and handle them appropriately. I will work harder and take from this the positive of knowing I have more to give.

Initially I felt completely alone once again. Those first few hours the water crept above the line of comfort into the red of lost solitude. It was then that a hand touched my shoulder signaling to reach out. A person I hold near and dear to my heart turned towards me. This person has an amazing heart and our friendship holds deep roots. Without this person my tears may have continued. This is one person I do and know that I can whole-heartedly trust. Thank you for your support.

Right now, at this very second I am blank. What a day, but a necessary day. I have no concerns or ill feelings, but I have no excitement or elevation. I just have me, myself with the knowledge that tomorrow will bring a new day.

Painful yes…Moving forward

~Nina~

Missing in Action…Acts of Inner Peace

Certainly I have been gone for a few days and I apologize for my absence. The past four days have been amazing in all honesty. I have renewed friendships, celebrated accomplishments, fostered emotions of curiosity, and relaxed. What a wide range to experience, but the joy of living life presents triumphs with the little things as well.

Education…I did have seven days off prior to last week from school, but I am back on the horse as of last Tuesday. Learning is a pleasurable activity for me. My craving for knowledge will provide me with a great intellectual strength. Curiosity for how things work or what things mean constantly has me pondering the purpose of all things in existence. There is always room for improvement or a need in new skills, so I take in as much as I can.

I did go shopping this weekend. For those of you that know me, I mean really know me…I hate to go shopping. I have never been comfortable in clothes or with how I look in them. I can say that I don’t see in the mirror what others see as they gaze at me. Working towards a healthy self image has been something I have worked on for the past six months. I realized this weekend that I am finally finding it. I tried on an outfit or two, stood in front of the floor length mirror, and was struck with a new found confidence. I also stumbled upon a dress, as I have a wedding in a couple months, which was the purpose of my shopping endeavor in the first place. In the dressing room I thought to myself, there is no way that this will look decent on me. Sliding the ensemble over my head my heart began to race. My eyes were closed as I zipped up the back. Turning around I was lost with awe…who was that looking back at me? This woman…a woman with a guiding strength to be the best she that she can be, a woman with the desire to seek what she deserves…that is who was standing there peering back at me.

Another milestone fell upon the weekend as well. My boys, Kaden and Connor, had their first birthday. One year old, the moment was precious. As tradition holds, they each got their own little birthday cake to dig into. Without hesitation they dug in. In amazement I observed them with an emotional stupor while a silent tear fell inside upon my heart. The blessing of my three children aid in the continued drive that keeps me going everyday.

Last night I woke up from a dream. This vision held the softness of a hand touching my arm. The trailing of a few fingers down toward my hand left my heart to race. The vivid release of desire, of electricity exploded within my body as my fingers interlaced with those of another. Then I was standing…I could not see his face, but I could smell his cologne. I looked up and the shadows hide his face. A kiss…my entire essence felt light, my heart was pounding. I woke up only to find myself alone, but wondering who he was…

My appreciation for life gets deeper and deeper everyday. I had the notion that I would eventually reach a point where contentment would simply overflow my soul and my smile would mark the highest achievement. I am embracing the possibility of growing with a continued adventure of admiration for more. I can honestly say I feel the best I ever have, I feel the healthiest now then ever in my entire life. The energy of euphoria lifts my spirits even higher with each sunrise.

The future is my story waiting to unfold…One I want to share, to be told

~Nina~

Reality…This is truly Happening

I will be honest; the past two days have been difficult. The emotion of the process, signing papers, and having to face this brings everything to a reality. Though yesterday lead into today and presented me with a struggle…it must be known I wasn’t afraid. I know that these days, that these emotions will be there lurking with the desire to beat me down, but I am standing strong with the front of fearless…not fearful.

Tears, I have shed the moisture of pain from my eyes. I never wanted this. I didn’t want the life he gave me. I did my best, I worked so hard. Three months ago I thought that my determination, those hours of busting my tush was for nothing. Though my marriage crumbled, it doesn’t mean that my hard work meant nothing because it meant and speaks volumes!

Sometimes as the clock ticks by and the days fall one by one off the calendar one may forget where they are or how far they have come. The reality of this maybe overwhelming, but I know it is not going to hold me down.

Looking within…

Slowly closing my eyes I draw in a breath of calmness. Peace flows from my heart to my fingertips. Love, the warmth of adoration for my life surfaces elation to my affect. This smile is of purity…of deep happiness. I am a woman with purpose…

Goodnight…hours of rest rejuvenate your soul

~Nina~